It’s Over “Fore” The Woods’
So it’s finally official… Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren surprised the tabloids by appearing together in court in Panama City, Florida to execute a secretly negotiated divorce agreement and officially end their marriage. They issued a statement saying that the happiness of their children “has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.” Elin’s settlement is rumored to run anywhere from $100 million to five times that.
Tiger should have cheated on his golf score instead of Elin… it would have been a lot cheaper.
I thought it was kind of tacky that Tiger brought along his caddy to pick out which pen he should sign the agreement with.
Although he’s been off his game lately, Tiger vows to get it back in the upcoming “Masters and Johnson Tournament”.
So look at the bright for Tiger… he’s losing a lot of money, but he get’s to keep his clubs and balls.
This Will Really Put Her On The Map…
Last night, Miss Mexico, Jimena Navarette, was crowned Miss Universe at the pageant in Las Vegas. Unfortunately Miss USA, Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih, didn’t even make it into the final 15. Donald Trump, who runs the pageant will give the new winner a salary, clothes, jewelry, a luxury New York apartment and pay her tuition to the film academy.
You know, all the stuff you need when your main goal in life is to help achieve world peace.
So Miss Mexico won, eh? I bet it never would have happened if the pageant had been held in Arizona!
Another example of a Mexican taking an American’s job…
NOTE: Whenever I think of pageants… I can’t help but think of the inspired, thought provoken answer given by Miss Teen South Carolina a few years ago… Just click on the link below and enjoy!
Abs-Solut Workout!
The David Barton Gym Chain has added something unusual to their gyms in Chicago, Miami and New York: cocktail hour. The owner cut a deal with a vodka company and all this month, customers can trade their usual protein smoothies for vodka and orange juice screwdrivers. He says he’s not pushing alcohol but that, “It’s better to work out and drink than to not work out and drink.” The gyms motto is “Look Better Naked”.
After a few screwdrivers doesn’t everybody look better naked?
Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson immediately signed up for a Lifetime Membership.
The owner has renamed the chain “Gym and Tonic”.
They should put out a line of exercise videos and call them “Sweatin’ to the Smirnoff’s”.
General Tso’s Traffic
With China’s economy booming, the Chinese are buying cars faster than they can build highways causing severe traffic problems. In fact 400 police have spent the last nine days trying to untangle a traffic jam on a Beijing Expressway that is over 60 miles long and involves thousands of cars and scattered accidents. It’s expected to last until September. For now, drivers are camping out and playing cards while vendors have shown up to sell food and other items.
A traffic jam that lasts for weeks? That’s just plain Wong!
The most popular dish being sold by the vendors? Almond Boneless Chicken!
In China they only have a choice of two lanes of traffic: Column A or Column B.
Nostril-Damus Never Predicted This…
On September 24th, Guernsey’s Auction House in NY will give bidders the chance to own a piece of the Statue of Liberty’s nose. It’s a 2-foot-long copper nose tip left over from the Statue’s restoration in the 1980’s. Four potential replacements were made. An auction spokesman said the one up for bids is “the tip of the nose with the area around the nostrils. It doesn’t sound like it… but it’s fairly attractive.”
So apparently the restoration committee had four noses made but didn’t pick this one.
This is perfect if you’ve got a lot of money to blow…
If you buy the nose you can put up a sign in your home reading: “Give me your tired, your poor, your nasally congested…”
The winning bidder will get the nose and a really big bottle of Afrin.
Have a great Tuesday! See you back here tomorrow!
- Dick