ABC News has finally found hard evidence of the $800 BILLION stimulus bill creating jobs.  All over America there are signs posted along roads, touting a stimulus funded project and the slogan, “Putting America Back to Work”.  In many places, nobody’s actually working on the projects, but about $20 million has been spent hiring people to make the signs. 

Well, that’s just a “sign” of the times.

What happened to the good old days when a “Stimulus Package” meant a prescription for Viagra?

 While we’re on the subject, please sign on the dotted line…

John Marcotte of Sacramento is against California’s Prop 8 gay marriage ban, so he’s collecting signatures to get his own proposition on the ballot.  It would ban divorce.  He says banning divorce is a much more effective way of protecting the “traditional marriage” than banning gay ones.  But he’ll need 700, signatures to get the measure on the ballot. 

Mr. Marcotte says he has 699,999 signatures locked up; now if he can just get his wife to sign on!

Mel Gibson says the idea is a bunch of @#*#@!

If the “No Divorce” law passes… Larry King is going to have to move out of state.

Speaking of Young Women Larry King Could Eventually Marry…

Filipino pop star Charince Pemperngco claims she was under “tremendous pressure” to “look fresh on camera” during an upcoming guest shot on the show “Glee”.  So she got Botox and an anti-aging Thermage skin-tightening facial.  Oh, did I mention she’s only 18?

Joan Rivers was said to be shocked – despite the fact that she was unable to change facial expressions. 

When I was 18 I did stuff to look better too… I used Clearasil.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Be Older…

To mark Beauty Month, QVC TV polled 2000 men and women on the subject of attractiveness.  Surprisingly, a majority of both sexes said that confidence, style and personality were more important to attractiveness than youth.  When it came to the question “at what age does a woman look most beautiful” the most often mentioned response was 31.  

After that… it’s all downhill. 

They also say wine becomes better with age… And we all know the more you drink, the better-looking people become! 

So technically, Betty White is a lot hotter than Megan Fox.

If Only He’s Had a Dingy To Hold Onto…

66 year-old Candido Dominguez was on his sailboat in Tampa Bay, Florida when it overturned.  He tried towing it to shore but got too tired so he swam to a nearby bridge.  With nothing else at hand, he took off his trunks and began waving them for help.  A deputy saw the naked man and stopped to pick him up.

How come when he does that, the police come help him; but when I do it, they tell me to get dressed and leave Wal-Mart?

At first the cops just thought he was a fisherman with a pretty impressive lure…

Candido is lucky he got noticed at all considering the “shrinkage factor”.

 “Let Them Eat (a lot of) Cake!”

Hall hunt of Florida is the ninth-ranked competitive eater in the world – famous for downing 68 hamburgers in 8 minutes.  After he began dating Emily Wright in 2008 she took up competitive eating too.  They married recently and the ceremony pitted the bride and groom in a wedding cake eating contest.  The bride won. 

Love is never having to say “Are you gonna finish that?” 

The Groom has been in traction ever since he carried his bride over the threshold.

Big Al wants to know if the bride has a sister. 

The Moon and The Stars…

On this day in 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin became the first and second men to walk on the moon. 

The third man to walk on the moon?  You guessed it… Michael Jackson.

Sadly, ask any teenager today who Buzz Aldrin is and they’ll tell you… “Oh, yeah, he’s that old geezer from Dancing with the Stars”. 

When Push Comes To Shiv…

And finally… a special shout-out to Lindsay Lohan who has begun serving her 90 prison sentence, although due to the fact that she’s a celebrity…uh… I mean over-crowding, she’ll only serve 23 days.

Having gotten her start in Disney films, walking into her cell gave Linsday a whole new appreciation for the song, “It’s a Small World Afterall”. 


Have a great day… See you back here tomorrow!