No Camp for Kwame…
Yesterday, Judge David Groner denied Kwame Kilpatrick’s request to be sent to a Prison “Boot Camp” that would have made him eligible for parole in just 90 days. But critics say the former Mayor still has it pretty good in the slammer… He’s isolated from the other prisoners, he’s got his own cell, bathroom and gets to watch TV.
- His favorite show? Re-runs of “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!”
- Since he gets to shower alone, the only “Cheeks” he has to see is when his mom comes to visit.
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A Los Angeles court sentenced a man who pleaded no contest to stalking Ryan Seacrest to two years in state prison and ordered him to stay away from Seacrest and his workplace for the next 10 years.
- I always wondered what happened to Clay Aiken.
- If I were this guy, I wouldn’t tell my fellow inmates what I’m in for!
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They Don’t Call It the Land of Fruits and Nuts for Nothing…
A California law bans people from profiting from a divorce if they tried to kill their spouse, but – and this is a Kim Kardashian size but – they can still collect if they hired someone else to do the deed. Now some politicians there have proposed a new law that would specifically prevent wives from getting anything in a divorce if the hitman they hire is unsuccessful.
- NOTE TO DISGRUNTLED WIVES IN CALIFORNIA: Ask your hitman for references before you hire him!
- Too bad OJ’s in Prison… this sounds like a whole new career opportunity for him.
- Of course if you divorce a big-time celebrity in Hollywood, you can make a killing without actually making a killing.
- I don’t think they should change the law, husbands and wives should just change the pre-nup!
- It’s a good thing Tiger Woods lives in Florida…
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A 74 year old woman in Boise, Idaho, was arrested for allegedly pouring a jar of mayonnaise down the book return slot of her local library. Police say she’s a “person of interest” in a string of at least 10 incidents where librarians have found various condiments in the book drop slot.
- Her family says she can’t be guilty as she always uses “Miracle Whip”.
- Because of all the condiments, the library is changing over to the “Gooey Decimal System”.
- I can’t understand how it took the police so long to Ketchup with her…
- The Librarians say her arrest is long “over due”.
- Her lawyer insisted on postponing the case until he can he can have her evaluated at the Mayo Clinic.
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A 26 year old man in Bavaria walked into a Hell’s Angels clubhouse, pulled down his shorts, mooned the bikers, threw a puppy at them, then fled. He stole a frontloader from a construction site and headed for Munich, but the vehicle moved so slowly it caused a three mile traffic jam. After police nabbed him, it was discovered that he had forgotten to take his anti-depression medication.
- No disrespect intended, but any guy who moons the Hell’s Angels isn’t depressed… he’s suicidal!
- Hey… at least he didn’t put mayonnaise down a book return slot.
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Stunning news in the Sex Department…
Researchers in Toronto have revealed that nearly one in twelve people studied at a sleep clinic admitted to initiating or engaging in some kind of romantic romping while asleep. It’s call “Sexsomnia”. The study’s leader says it’s not a problem as long as your partner doesn’t mind and that the only drawback is that it can leave you tired the next day.
- Having sex and sleeping at the same time? Who says men can’t “multi-task”?
- The men in the study weren’t that tired the next day… after all, they’d only been active for two or three minutes.
- The dangerous part is smoking the cigarette afterwards.
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On this day in 1752, Ben Franklin flew a kite during a storm to prove that lightning was a discharge of electricity…
- For the first time, wives had a place to tell their husbands to go when they were mad at ‘em.
Also on this date in 1844, Charlie Goodyear received a patent on his process for vulcanizing rubber. But he didn’t profit from it.
- Poor guy… he died “Flat” broke.
- To this day, his family has his body rotated twice a year.