“Merry Christmas Darling! Uh, Darling?”
According to a 25 year study by the journal Social Sciences & Medicine, Christmas is the deadliest day of the year. Sociologists studied all official death certificates in the U.S. between 1979 and 2004 and found a big spike in deaths during the two weeks after Santa’s arrival, especially on Christmas and New Years Day. They say holiday stress could be a factor - but only a small one. And if people are willing themselves to live until after the holidays so they can be with their families one more time, they’re should be a drop in deaths right before Christmas, but there’s not! Deaths just stay level, then shoot up on the big day.
- A secondary study revealed that 50% of those who died had been hit in the head with a fruitcake during an egg nog-fueled food fight.
- Maybe people would rather die than wait in line to return the ugly “reindeer playing poker” sweater they got from their crazy aunt.
- There are four words to describe the high rate of death among women: “Visiting Mother-In-Law”.
Taking “Timeout” From the Internet
Remember the good old days when your parents would punish you by taking away your TV privileges? Well 57% of today’s parents are taking that a step further by limiting access to the Internet when their kids misbehave; double the number since 2000. Parents say “social networking” is not only reducing the time kids spend with their families, it’s also reducing the time they spend with their actual friends, face-to face.
- What next? Waterboarding?
- So now the kids are forced to lock themselves in their room and text on their cell phones while listening to their iPods.
Dash-er On Over To Dairy Queen!
Dairy Queen announced what could be the most hard-to-claim Christmas promotional deal in history. Anyone who brings a real, live reindeer to a Dairy Queen on Christmas Eve between 1 and 3p.m. will get a free “Reindeer Bites Blizzard”. But it’ll be tough; the Reindeer Owners and Breeders Association says there are no more than 3,000 reindeer in the continental U.S. and it’s not clear how you’d get one of them to a Dairy Queen.
- You’d attach him to your sled and fly him there, that’s how!
- Rumor has it that “Prancer” & “Blitzen” are partial to Ben & Jerry’s.
- Why not just tie a pair of antlers to the family dog? It worked for the Grinch.
Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect!
In a poll, members of the Associated Press chose the Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien NBC late-night fiasco as the #1 entertainment story of the year. And the “Entertainer of the Year” award went to 88-year-old Betty White, who had a hit Super Bowl commercial, hit movies, a hit TV show and a fan-sponsored Facebook campaign that landed her a top rated “SNL” hosting gig. Betty said, “It’s ridiculous. They haven’t caught-on to me and I hope they never do”.
- Well if they’re gonna catch-on to her they’d better hurry… there’s not much time left!
- So it turns out that Betty White actually is a “Golden Girl”!
- As for the Jay Leno - Conan O’Brien thing… they actually thought that was a bigger story than Big Al appearing for seven seconds on “Detroit 1-8-7”? Whatever!
- Personally, I think the “Entertainer of the Year” Award should have been shared by Kate Gosselin on DWTS and Larry King. Neither one of them seemed to have any idea what they were doing, but it sure was entertaining to watch!
Today’s Almanac
On this day in 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts.
- Luckily “Ye Olde Walmart” was open late so they still had time to finish up their Christmas shopping!
Have a great day… I’m off to celebrate with my child bride! See you back here tomorrow!
- Dick