With a possible indictment of former President Trump still looming, daily searches for Stormy Daniels videos have shot up by 21,655%.

- There have been so many searches for her videos… some people actually found some of Trump and Biden’s Secret Classified Documents.

*****

This morning, 73 year old Elizabeth Warren announced that she will seek a third term as Senator from Massachusetts.

- Liz says she’s proud of everything she’s accomplished… but winning a third term would really be a feather in her cap.

*****

A new Bill introduced in the Michigan House would recommend that the Michigan Department of Education develop a Cursive Handwriting Instruction Plan for public schools in Michigan.

- FOR THOSE OF YOU UNDER 40: Cursive is that funny looking writing that your girlfriend or boyfriend used to use to describe how they felt about you that you would save for years and read over and over before somebody came along and invented the “❤️” button.

*****

Swedish researchers have found that smelling other people's body odor could reduce social anxiety.

- Which explains why everyone always seems so relaxed and chatty while waiting in line for the “Wild Mouse” at Cedar Point.

*****

United Airlines will begin offering a “Flying Taxi” Service from Downtown Chicago to the City’s O’Hare Airport starting in 2025. For $100, passengers can “fly” to the airport in just 10 minutes avoiding traffic.

- And more importantly… Bullets!

*****

Singer/Comedian Nick Cannon - who has 12 kids by 6 different women - called his ex-wife Mariah Carey a “Gift from God.”

- At this point Nick calls ALL his women “A Gift from God” because it keeps him from calling them the wrong name.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Yesterday, as he wrapped up 3 days of meetings in Moscow, Chinese leader Xi Jinping told Vladimir Putin, “Change is coming that hasn’t happened in 100 years… and we are driving it together”.

- Putin responded, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship…”

- Then Vlad went back into the Palace and waited for Xi to find the “SPRING BREAK MOSCOW 2023” Sweatshirt he slipped into Xi’s carry on.

- And Xi set an alarm on his phone so he’d remember to text Vlad and let him know when he got back to Beijing safely.

*****

VP Kamala Harris took another trip to the “WORD Salad Bar” during a White House event celebrating Women’s History Month yesterday when she said, "So, during Women’s History Month, we celebrate and we honor the women who made history throughout history”.

- I for one agree with her. I mean… if history has taught us anything, it’s that historically speaking there really is no better time to make history than throughout history.

*****

Domino's Pizza's franchise in Italy has entered into liquidation, after it failed to catch on with Italians.

- Apparently in Italy, “When the Moon hit’s your eye like a DOMINO’s Pizza Pie… That’s NOT Amore”.

- Perhaps this is why you won’t find any Taco Bells in Mexico. (It’s True! I googled it!)

*****

Almost two hundreds years after his death, researchers are analyzing the DNA in snippets of hair from Ludwig von Beethoven to determine what caused his death at age 56 in 1827. The composer was known to suffer from hearing loss, GI issues and severe liver disease.

- Apparently Beethoven was a big drinker. At the time of his death he was loaded up on at least a Fifth.

*****

Two inmates who escaped from a Newport News, Virginia, jail by digging out of their cell with a sharpened toothbrush, then scaling a wall were found hours later having breakfast at IHOP.

- They were arrested and fingerprinted using the Powdered Sugar from the pancakes in their “Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity” Breakfast Combos.

*****

Ben Affleck has confirmed that his next film project will star his wife, Jennifer Lopez.

- She’s not the first Celeb wife to star in a film project. Didn’t Kardashian star in a Movie?? I think it was a remake of “Rear Window”…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back her Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to William Shatner - TV’s Captain Kirk - who turns 92 today.

He say’s he’ll celebrate by going where “No Man Has Gone Before Men Started Identifying As Women” … The Gynecologist.

*****

97-year-old Dick Van Dyke is recovering at home after losing control of his Lexus and crashing it into a gate in Malibu this morning.

- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… “Oh, Rob!”.

- Van Dyke told cops on the scene he was “Driving along “Humming a Pretty Ditty and then, Bang! Bang!”

*****

The average price for a Big Mac in the US - which cost $1.30 in 1980 - is now $5.15.

- Which beg the question… What exactly are they putting in that “Special Sauce”???

*****

According to a new survey, more than 25% of Americans have already spent the tax return money they're expecting to get back.

- And they spent it… on a Big Mac.

*****

More torrential rain is headed for Southern California.

- Makes sense. I mean it NEVER rains it California. But man, don’t they warn ya. It pours. Man… it pours!

*****

A new report says that the virus that causes Covid-19 may be linked to Raccoon Dogs that were sold at the wet market in Wuhan, China.

- I don’t think I have to worry… I only eat Plant-Based Raccoon Dogs.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

According the Wall Street Journal, even if former Prez Trump is indicted and arrested this week… he most likely won’t be placed in handcuffs.

- Unlike how Stormy Daniels likes to spend her free time.

*****

- Whoopi Goldberg debuted a new look on "The View" Monday... when she appeared without glasses for the first time in 28 years. She announced she'd had surgery for Presbyopia which makes it hard to see up close - but her eyes are now "fixed".

- And after taking one look at Joy Behar, she asked if there's anyway she can have the surgery "Undone".

*****

The latest Beauty trend is the “Everything Shower” where people - mostly ladies - spend UP TO ONE HOUR in the shower using special shampoos, conditioners, scalp treatments, exfoliators, serums, oils and lotions.

- If I spend an hour in hour in the shower all I end up with is a lot of wrinkles. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what we’re all trying to avoid???

- And whose Hot water tank lasts for an HOUR??? I don’t care how much “Conditioner” you use… Shrinkage is Shrinkage!!

*****

Ozzy Osbourne - who infamously once bit the head off a bat on stage - said he’s now a big fan of bats and birds and animals - and - at age 74 - “Doesn’t want to hurt anything anymore”.

- Put another way… Turns out, the Batman loves Robins!

*****

After a week of drunken brawls and shootings, the mayor of Miami Beach, Florida wants to “Cancel” Spring Break in his city. He says even an unprecentdented police force couldn’t prevent the violence saying, “We don’t want Spring Break in our City”.

- He recommends that College kids looking for a good time head somewhere more suitable to their vibe… like say Mexico.

*****

According to new research, elite European soccer players are more likely than the average person to develop dementia.

- Like the Soccer players themselves, the Doctors really used their heads to figure that one out.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Chinese leader Xi Jinping is in Moscow for three days of meetings with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

- The meeting is being billed as "Coffee, Commeraderie & Communism!" What could go wrong?!?!

*****

Putin started the meeting by referring to Xi as his “dear friend”.

- Well… yeah! A lot of people don’t know this, but in addition to sharing strategies for taking over the World, Vlad and Xi call each other every day to compare their “Wordle” scores.

*****

Elon Musk Tweeted that if NY District Attorney Alvin Bragg goes through with his plans to arrest former President Trump tomorrow in relation to an alleged hush money payment to Stormy Daniels - it will assure a Trump Presidential victory in 2024.

- Trump is already handing out “Make Perp Walks Great Again” Baseball Caps.

*****

91-year-old William Shatner says he can't resist using the F-word.

- At his age… the “F” word is “FIBER!”

*****

What used to be New York City’s busiest McDonald’s is now being converted into a shelter for migrants.

- And in keeping with NY's "Woke" policies, Mayor McCheese also defunded Officer Big Mac and let the Hamburglar out of Jail with no bail.

*****

After only a week, a shiny new subway train in New York City is already covered by graffiti and has been taken over by vagrants, druggies and scofflaws.

- "Varants, Druggies and Scofflaws"... wasn't that a song by Cher???

- Oh wait... that was "Gypies, Tramps and Thieves".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

According to new Registration Stats, for the first time in 31 years, the Labrador Retriever has been unseated as the most popular dog breed in America… The new Top Dog in the U.S.? The French Bull Dog.

- But no worries… If history has taught us anything, the French Bull Dog will surrender the title, and Labs will be back in the Drivers Seat by next week.

*****

Whoopi Goldberg issues public apology for using the racially charged (??) word “Gypped” while slamming Trump about Stormy Daniels on “The View” yesterday. She said she should have used the word “Cheated” instead of “Gypped” which is considered a slur against Romanian Gypsies.

- And I’m sure that comes as a great relief to the MILLIONS of Romanian Gypsies who watch “The View”.

*****

Speaking of Whoopi… After her fellow co-hosts and audience members heard an unusual noise coming from Whoopi’s chair while she was chatting during the show, Whoopi looked into the camera and said, “That was Gas”.

- Well they don’t call her “Whoopi” for nothin’.

*****

PETA - the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - has asked Jill Biden to consider replacing the real chicken eggs used at the annual Easter Egg Roll with “reusable plastic or wooden eggs” so as not to prop up the “cruel egg industry”.

- This is NOT gonna go Over Easy with Egg lovers.

*****

According to a new study, Great Apes like Gorillas get themselves “High” by spinning around until they're dizzy. Researchers say they’re hoping this could provide new insight into why humans seek out mild-altering drugs like like booze and cocaine.

- I knew a Gorilla with a drinking problem. Took him forever to get that monkey off his back. (Ba-da-boom!)

*****

A new survey reveals that 1 in 4 adults plans to wager on the NCAA tournament during “March Madness” to the tune of $15.5 BILLION.

- But not worries… If you hedge your bets and lose, they’re a good chance you’ll get a government Bail Out!

*****

Students in a Health Class at an Oregon High School were asked to write a short “Fantasy Sex Story” for class credit. The story couldn’t include anything that might subject them to a Sexually Transmitted Disease but had to incorporate three things like massage oil, feathers, or sex toys.

- When I was in high school, thought it was risqué when I got to make an ashtray out of plywood in Shop.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s March 15th… The Ides of March… The Day Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of Roman Senators in 44 B.C. Of course, Caesar was famously stabbed in the back by his friend Brutus as they ordered lunch at the Collisseum Olive Garden. “What can I get you”, the waitress said. “I think I’ll have salad” said Julius. “Et tu, Brute?” said Caesar. And then Brutus killed him.

*****

New reports say a Japanese movie studio is releasing a film called “Ninja vs. Shark.”

- It’s a big budget blockbuster about two opposing Vacuum cleaners.

*****

Dove soap has joined “Fat Activists” in slamming the Oscar-winning film 'The Whale' for using a “Fat suit' on it’s star Brendan Fraser - who won the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of an Obese man… Saying that Overweight Roles should be played by Overweight Actors.

- I’m sorry… but isn’t “Pretending” the whole point of “Acting”??

*****

And to makes it even crazier… some of the so-called “Fat Activists” Dove Soap was trying to stand up for are now accusing Dove of only voicing their support in order to sell more Soap.

- In a related story, following her successful transition from Man to Woman, Bruce-now-Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly in talks to become spokesperson for “Irish Spring”… cuz… you know, “It’s Manly, Yes… But She Likes it, Too!!”

*****

A close friend of Prince Andrew says “Randy Andy” is considering writing a Memoir to make some extra cash since his big brother King Charles stripped him of most of his Royal Titles.

- Like most things Andrew does, the book will be geared towards teenage girls.

*****

The Texas Department of Public Safety warned Americans to skip spring break vacations in Mexico.

- If you want to enjoy cheap tacos and get someone to buy your drinks… Stay home, order Taco Bell and raid your Parents Liquor cabinet.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Albert Einstein Day! The Day we Celebrate the Genius who gave us the Theory of Relativity… The day I like to follow with “Kardashian Day”… when I try to figure out just who makes up this group of Relatives.

*****

Morgan Freeman debuted a newly bald head at Sunday nights Oscars causing a flood of opinions on his new “look”.

- What’s the big deal? It certainly wasn’t the only round object to come bobbing down the aisle with nothin’ covering it.

*****

A woman who lost her office job during the Pandemic… says she had to get creative to pay the bills and now makes $55 an hour - as a Naked House Cleaner… Sweeping, Vacuuming, Dusting in the Buff - while her clients watch. She says her clients are usually naked as well.

- Well that’s an interesting way to make ends meet. Literally and figuratively.

*****

Disney is celebrating its 100th anniversary with special merchandise.

- It’s actually the same merchandise they usually sell… but in honor of the big anniversary, they’ve marked the price of each item up to a celebratory $100!

- And to adjust for some of the Disney characters being older as well, they’ve made some changes. For example, "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" is now known as "Mr. Toad's Wild Colonoscopy" and Sleeping Beauty is now wearing a CPAP machine due to Sleep Apnea.

*****

A Chicago man has filed a class-action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, claiming the restaurant chain falsely advertises its boneless wings as the “real deal”, when in reality, they're just pieces of chicken BREAST”.

- So he’s upset about the faux “Boneless Wings” but he’s cool with where they the get “McNuggets”??? No questions asked??

*****

RIP…….. Dick Fosbury, legendary Olympic gold high jumper who revolutionized the track and field event with his signature technique the “Fosbury Flop”, died Sunday of lymphoma at 76.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Donald Duck Day”! The day we celebrate by Not Wearing Pants! And if you watched the Oscars last night… it appears that some of the ladies decided to celebrate a day ahead of time…

*****

Jamie Lee Curtis won Best Supporting Actress for her role in the Best Picture Winner “Everything Everywhere All At Once”. She covered all her bases including thanking her parents Tony Curtis & Janet Leigh.

- In fact she covered a lot more than she did in “Trading Places” if you remember THAT movie.

*****

Priscilla Presley has reportedly been locked out of Elvis's Graceland mansion by her granddaughter Riley Keough who changed the locks on the doors after Priscilla contested her daughter Lisa Marie's $35 MILLION Will.

- Needless to say, Priscilla is All Shook Up and told Riley… “Don’t Be Cruel”.

*****

Incredible new video showed more than 1000 MIGRANTS trying to rush a border crossing from Mexico into the US yesterday.

- That story again… The border is secure.

*****

Guinness World Records held an event for pro skateboarders in London that led to five records being broken.

- Along with three legs, two arms and a collar bone.

*****

Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly is NOT RETURNING Senator Elizabeth Warren's phone calls due to an interview Liz gave earlier this year where she avoided answering whether she thought Harris should remain President Biden’s running mate in 2024.

- Liz has reportedly left several messages and even sent several Smoke Signals… but no response.

- If those two gals can’t bury the hatchet… How are the rest of us supposed to get along??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

RIP… Chaim Topol, who played Tevye, the long-suffering and charismatic milkman and father of three daughters in Fiddler on the Roof has died at age 87 after a battle with Alzheimers.

*****

Novak Djokovic - the #1 Tennis Player in the World is STILL being denied entry to play in the US because he won't get a COVID Vaccine - despite President Biden declaring the Pandemic over months ago. Now Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis says he'll get Djokovic to Florida on a boat from the Bahamas to play in the Miami Open if he has to.

- Of course if he could just walk in from Mexico or hitch a ride on a Chinese Spy Balloon and there’d be no questions asked. But try to do it legally and NO CAN DO.

*****

The Government is warning US Citizens - including Spring Breakers - to avoid traveling to Mexico after four Americans were kidnapped and two killed after crossing the border last week.

- So parents, if you’re looking to send your kids somewhere safer for their Senior Trip… you might want to think about booking your student a flight to Ukraine!

*****

64-year-old Madonna has gone Instagram official with her new boyfriend, 29-year-old boxer Josh Popper.

- I don't mean to be judgmental... but these days Madonna’s “relationships” don’t last as long as her prescriptions for antibiotics.

*****

Congress is holding more hearings into the origins of COVID today ... in an attempt to finally get to the truth about how the COVID Pandemic started.

- Well you know what they say... If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck... it's probably Sweet and Sour Duck!

*****

Two Georgia suspects were taken into custody for stealing thousands of dollars worth of electronic gaming systems after police surrounded them when they STOPPED TO CHARGE THEIR ELECTRIC GETAWAY CAR.

- If only all criminals were this Environmentally Conscious!

*****

One of the oldest men living in the U.S. had the celebration of a lifetime, ringing in his big 109th birthday with the help of a belly dancer!

- Well… actually it was a 99 year old female co-resident in his nursing home. And she wasn’t so much “Belly Dancing” as she was trying to make it to the Ladies Room due to an Incontinence issue, but still…

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Polish wax museum is facing mockery over it’s less than Royal replicas of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

- It’s not TOO bad of Kate… but William looks like he’s a tad constipated.

- Time to spend some quality time on the Throne…

*****

Reaction to Tucker Carlson’s airing of parts of previously unseen footage from the J6 Protest at the Capitol brought swift reaction from pundits on the left who said he “cherry picked footage to fit the conservative narrative”.

- Well… What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!

*****

A new survey reveals that Men with mullets have more fun than those who don’t.

- Especially the ones at sporting events with the team name painted on their chests.

*****

A new study ranks Chicago as the best city for Creative-types.

- It's also a great choice if you're looking to be the victim of a drive-by or car-jacking!

*****

A Connecticut school lunch lady, 31, is charged with sexually assaulting a 14 year old male student after texting him saying "Wanna see something?" then bombarding him with nude photos of herself.

- Boy things sure have changed. In my day, the lunch ladies wore HAIR nets… now apparently… they wear FISH nets.

*****

According to a 2022 Gallup poll, 83% of U.S. adults say they keep their smartphone near them almost all the time during their waking hours.

- The other 17% (including me!) spend almost all of their waking hours trying to figure out where they LEFT their Smartphone the last time they set it down.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

After years of speculation by fans and the media alike, 77 year old Bette Midler finally admitted that she’s had some plastic surgery.

- When I saw Bette Midler at Pine Knob about 20 years ago… She came out for an Encore wearing nothing but a towel and high heels. She thanked the crowd, dropped the towel, and ran off stage. And trust me… after that… I could have told you what SHE just told you… 20 YEARS ago.

*****

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police were forced to issue a public reminder on "What Constitutes an Actual Emergency" after a Canadian woman called 911 to request assistance because of "a long line at the Burger King drive-thru".

- No offense to Burger King, but this sounds more like the long lines at Chick fil A.

- I guess "Special Orders" don't upset ‘ em at Burger King, but it does bother the folks at 911.

*****

THE RCMP said they've also gotten “Emergency calls” for people in need of a Zamboni to “Clear their ice”.

- They didn’t mention what the “Emergency” was specifically… but my guess is it involved one of two things: Either Hockey or Curling.

*****

A Thai drug lord has been busted despite getting plastic surgery while on the run to look like a “Handsome Korean man.”

- If that was his goal, he should have gone with the “Kim Jong Un” look!!

*****

Last week, Courtney Cox got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... but David Schwimmer, Matthew Perry, and Matt LeBlanc her three male "Friends" co-stars were all no-shows, raising eyebrows.

- Well, everybody's eyebrows went up but Courtneys… that’s because from what I hear, she's had so much plastic surgery she has to call her assistant when she wants to blink.

*****

With the Oscars less than two weeks away, the Motion Picture Academy say celebs and viewers alike can rest easy as they have a “Crisis Team” in place to prevent another “Will Smith/Chris Rock Type Incident” from overshadowing this years ceremony.

- Great news! We won’t have a pesky slap to distract us from hearing all the riveting speeches about Climate Change, Personal Pronouns and Diversity.

*****

Kayla Lemieux, the allegedly transgender teacher in Canada who made international headlines for wearing giant, Z-Cup prosthetic breasts to school, has FINALLY been placed on Paid Leave - months after parents began complaining about the Shop Teacher's inappropriate outfits in the classroom.

- Lemieux says despite not working, "She" is "A lucky woman whose Cup runneth over".

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

FBI director Christopher Wray Confirmed the Energy Departments conclusion that COVID “Most Likely” leaked from a lab in Wuhan and claims that China is “Thwarting and Obfuscating” U.S. investigations into the virus.

- So… this is new NEWS??? Isn’t this what a LOT of Americans have been saying for the LAST TWO YEARS???

*****

Meanwhile… China on Tuesday said it has been “Open and Transparent” in the search for the origins of COVID-19.

- And if we can't believe Communists... Who can we believe??

*****

Police in Missouri were called to a McDonald's last Thursday afternoon to deal with a man sitting at one of the restaurants tables... completely naked.

- Who are we to judge how a man enjoys his McNuggets?

*****

King Charles has reportedly kicked Harry and Meghan to the Curb... taking back "Frogmore Cottage" the home gifted to them by the Queen for their 2017 Wedding - and giving it instead to Charles disgraced brother Prince Andrew of Jeffrey Epstein infamy. Harry and Meghan are said to be "Shocked" and have until early summer to box up their stuff and move out.

- This is when Harry and Meghan are gonna find out who their REAL friends are... Oprah may seem like a real pal, but just wait til they ask her to fly over and help them move their couch.

*****

Speaking of Harry... According to a one of his Prep School friends, Prince Harry “hated Political Correctness” and “made jokes we are no longer allowed to make” before meeting the Ultra-Woke Meghan Markle.

- Oh yeah... I seem to remember something about a hotel room in Vegas and a Nazi Uniform.

*****

A new Harvard study suggests that men who wear hard hats may have higher levels of testosterone than their white-collar bosses.

- Did they really need a HARVARD Study to figure this out?? How about asking any woman who's ever walked by a construction site??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It's National Tooth Fairy Day! Which reminds me…

- ATTENTION : If you see an unidentified object flying through the air today… DO NOT SHOOT IT DOWN!!!!! It’s the Tooth Fairy carrying my Grandson Braydon’s Tooth that got knocked out in a sledding accident NOT a Chinese Spy Balloon!!!

*****

Researchers say that people who wish they were a few inches taller, are more likely to display “Dark” personality traits including Psychopathy and Narcissism

- Well, Joy Behar is 5’ 6” and Putin is 5’ 7”… So I guess it must be true.

*****

Nick Cannon - who has ___12_ kids by ___6__ different women said when it comes to deciding whether or not to have more kids, he's turning that decision over to God.

Come on Nick... Even GOD rested on the 7th day.

*****

A Chinese man has been found alive and well nine years after his family had him cremated following a car accident. Turns out he wasn’t even in the car when it crashed… and had been living down the street the whole time. He’s been reunited with his family, and officials are trying to determine whose ashes are in the family grave.

- His family says they’re “Thrilled he’s alive… but they still won’t give back the stuff they took from his house when they thought he was a gonner”.

*****

The author of a book about Meghan Markle's life before and after she met Prince Harry claims she was "Greatly surprised and disappointed" to find out that Prince Harry had "Very little money" (A paltry $10 MILLION) when they met - as she expected him to have "Hundreds of Millions"... and that the couple struggles to fund their current lifestyle.

- I'm not one for gossip, but I've heard they cut corners by using Oprah's Netflix Password.

*****

RIP… Colonel Clarence Harvey of the Salvation Army who died yesterday. He was the Colonel we started the Radiothon with back in 1987 and through the years became a good friend. Clarence was the real deal… Smart, tough, personable, funny… he even picked up the lunch check once when I forgot my credit card!! I was proud to work with him and even prouder to call him my friend. My thoughts and Prayers are with his wife Lois and his entire family.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

$1,888,503 MILLION Thanks!!!

Unbelievable! You did it again Detroit!!! Thanks to all of you who listened, streamed and most importantly donated to the 36th annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon on Friday!!! Thanks to your incredible generosity, we not only met, but exceeded this years goal of $1.8 MILLION - money that goes to work IMMEDIATELY helping people right here in our own community!!! Thousands of men, women and children will now get nutritious meals and have a safe, warm place to sleep... because of YOU!!! And a very special thanks to our sponsors The Ford Motor Company Fund, Edsel Ford Jr, The Dick & Gail Purtan Family Foundation (pardon the plug), Jack & Annette Aronson’s Garlic & Artichoke Foundation, and of course AM 760 WJR for hosting the Radiothon!

I had a great time co-hosting the 4-7 p-m slot with Guy Gordon and my daughter Jackie… plus four of my other daughters who called in and donated generously! Detroit's own Tim Allen even took a break from filming on the "Santa Claus" set to talk to us and donate an amazing $25,000!

I couldn't be prouder of the Salvation Army Bed & Bed Program... and the generous people who support it!! Thank you Detroit!!!

In other news…

*****

During an interview last week, President Biden joked that he’ll have to call his wife “to find out” if he’ll be running for re-election in 2024.

- All of the married guys in the country were like, "What do you mean he was "Joking"???"

*****

Trader Joe’s announced that they believe in the importance of Human Interaction and will NEVER cave to the "glitz and glamour" (??) of Self-Check-Out aisles like most other grocery stores.

- Cuz there's nothing more glamorous than dragging a 36-roll pack of toilet paper over a smudged piece of glass, with 10 people in line behind you while a light flashes and a computer voice announces to the whole store "HELP IS ON THE WAY...!"

*****

Royal Event planners are said to be in a panic after A-List celebs including Adele, Ed Sheeran, the Spice Girls and Sir Elton John have TURNED DOWN the invitation to perform at King Charles Coronation May 6th.

- At this point, they may have to bring in the Village People.

*****

RIP… Don Shane, longtime Channel 7 Sportscaster, who passed away in Los Angeles Friday at the age of 70. No cause of death has been given.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

PSSST…… TOMORROW (FRIDAY!!!) IS THE DAY!!!!

The 36th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon happens TOMMOROW, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24TH and can be heard LIVE on AM 760 WJR!!! This Is THE FUNDRAISER for this vital program that Feeds 3500 Men, Women and Children on the streets in and around Detroit 365 DAY A YEAR off the mobile Bed & Bread Trucks. And it provides a warm place for 200+ people to sleep each night! That comes out to nearly 1.3 million meals and more than 72,000 nights of safe shelter each year! But you can even get a head start by donating TODAY starting at 4pm!!!

We started the Radiothon back in 1987 with the hopes of giving something back to the community. That first year… we raised $15,000 in 4 hours and we were thrilled! This year… our goal is $1.8 MILLION - and with your continued support, I know we can do it!

You can donate two ways: Just call 833-SAL-HOPE (833) 725-4673 or text the word BREAD to 24365. You can even do it NOW! As they say… “Operators are standing by!”

The last several years have been a challenge for us all… none more so than those struggling just to get themselves and their families through another day in this especially cold, snowy and icy winter. That’s why the Salvation Army’s Bed & Bread Feeding and Sheltering Program is needed NOW more than EVER. The Bed & Bread Trucks are out delivering nutritious meals and hot beverages daily - no matter what the weather.

They say “Charity begins at home”… and with the Bed & Bread Club, every penny of every dollar you give goes straight to the people in need - in our own community. If you can find it in your heart - and your pocketbook - to donate to this most worthy of causes (and one that is so dear to my heart!) - it would be so appreciated.

A $120 donation feeds five people for nearly a month and designates you a member of the Bed & Bread® Club.

A $240 donation feeds ten people for nearly a month and solidifies you as a Double Bed & Bread® Club Member. You will also receive a limited-edition Bed & Bread Club® Radiothon 43" telescopic folding umbrella as a thank you gift.

At $255 or more you will receive the umbrella AND an umbrella will be donated to someone in need!

Hunger and homelessness do not take a day off, nor does The Bed & Bread® Club.

Jackie and I will on the air with Guy Gordon from 4pm to 7pm tomorrow night (Friday) as we wrap up the Radiothon. I hope you’ll tune in and give whatever you can!

After 45 years on the air here, I know one thing for sure: Detroiter’s take care of each other. It’s what makes me so proud of this city… and so proud of the Bed & Bed Program!!

-Dick

PS… You can watch a livestream of the Radiothon starting tomorrow morning (Friday) at 6am and running right up until we announce the total at 7pm by going to Salmich.org! Thank you!

A new bill introduced in Florida this week would make it illegal for dogs to stick their heads out of car window.

- Great. Now… Whose gonna tell the dogs??

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Heinz is trying to track down a man who claims he survived for nearly a month at sea in the Caribbean on nothing but ketchup, garlic powder and seasoning cubes. They say they want to buy the man, 47 year old Elvis Francois, a new boat but - even going door to door - have been unable to track him down.

- Apparently, Elvis has left the Building.

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Rapper 50 Cent has reached a settlement with a Florida Plastic Surgeon over claims he had penis enlargement surgery. The female surgeon posted a pic of herself and the rapper on Instagram implying that she’d performed the surgery on him… which he vehemently DENIES despite the settlement.

- I think if any Rapper would have gone for that type of surgery it would have been the late, “Biggie Smalls”.

- You know, it takes a lot of nerve to stand up and admit you had you picture taken with a Penis Enhancement Surgeon.

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Rihanna’s dad reportedly found out that she was pregnant while watching her perform during the Super Bowl halftime show.

- He's hoping she'll hold her “Gender Reveal Party” at the Indy 500 because he’s planning on watching that too.

This reminds me of (another!) personal story… Some years ago I Emceed an event at a Sports Banquet at Cobo Hall that featured race car driver Mauri Rose. Mauri won 3 Indy 500 Races in the 1940’s.

Now when I was a kid, my Dad told me a number of times that HE had WON the Indy 500 THREE times.

I looked it up, and back in those days, the driver and his mechanic rode in the car together - like you’ve seen in the old movies. So I started thinking maybe he didn’t actually win as the DRIVER but won as MAURI’s MECHANIC!!! And here was my opportunity to confirm my Dad’s story after all these years!!

So before the Banquet, I went up to Mauri, and told him the story my Dad had told me. He looked at me and said… “What was your Dad’s name?”. I said “Paul or Joe Purtan… Either one, He used both names”. He smiled and said, “Never heard of him”.

I guess my Dad just forgot the “Mechanic” part of the story.

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Police in Hollywood got a call on Sunday from a man threatening to blow the famous Hollywood sign to smithereens with pipe bombs -- unless - that is - he was paid a WHOPPING $10,000. The only problem was… the man called his demand to the cops in Hollywood, FLORIDA.

- This sounds like the plot of a Dr. Evil/Dumb & Dumber Bromantic Comedy.

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Liam Neeson says a recent appearance on “The View” where Joy Behar admitted that she has a thing for him and want’s “Her ashes sprinkled over him” made him uncomforfortable.

- Talk about a fate worse than death.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s Paczski Day! aka FAT TUESDAY! I’m sorry… I understand the latest rule from the Woke World is we can’t say “Fat” so… It’s “Plus-Size Tuesday!”

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Speaking of the “F” word…

Critics are accusing the publisher of Roald Dahl’s children’s books of censorship for removing colorful language from books like “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” to make them "more acceptable". For example, Augustus Gloop, in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” is no longer “enormously fat,” he’s just “enormous”.

- So “ixnay” the “fat” part.

And in order to be “Gender Neutral”… the Oompa Loompas are no longer “Small men” they are “Small People”.

- I thought Size Didn’t Matter!?!?!?

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President Biden met with the President of Poland in Warsaw this morning and told him that he grew up "surrounded by so many Polish immigrants in his Delaware neighborhood" that he "wanted to add 'ski' to his last name".

- Between claiming he was raised by Puerto Ricans, in a Black Church, as an Irish Catholic... among Poles... I'm beginning to think Biden's NOT from DELAWARE... He's from EPCOT at Disneyworld.

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Don Lemon will return to the CNN morning show on Wednesday after shooting himself in the foot with his “A woman past her 20’s, 30’s, or MAYBE her 40’s is PAST HER PRIME” comments last week… BUT he will be required to undergo unspecified “Formal Training”.

- Just a thought here... but I suggest the "Training" should be Tag Teamed by two very strong women who, according to Don, are “Past their Prime”… Judge Judy and Dr. Ruth.

- Or put him in a room with my daughters for an hour. His choice.

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Finally, some feminists organizations are urging the Biden administration to "abandon plans" to allow biological males to share locker rooms with women and compete in women's sports… saying it “Unfairly Penalizes” female athletes.

- EXACTLY!!!! It PENAL-izes them!!!

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According to a new poll, 4 in 10 adults admit they have agreed to go home with a potential date specifically to meet that person’s pet.

- These days, everybody wants to date someone with a pet chicken so they can get some free eggs.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s Presidents Day! The Day we honor those who many people consider the two Greatest Presidents in the History of the US: Abraham Lincoln whose birthday is Feb. 12th and George Washington who was born on Feb. 22nd.

How do we celebrate President’s Day?? By getting a GREAT DEAL ON A NEW MATTRESS AT GARDNER WHITE!!!!!!

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All kidding aside, our thoughts and Prayers are with former President Jimmy Carter and his family as it was announced that the 39th Commander in Chief of the US has entered hospice care. At 98 years old, Carter is the longest living President in US History.

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The Canadian teacher “Kayla Lemieux”, a man who began identifying as a woman last September and went viral for wearing huge, Z-cup prosthetic breasts to school… now claims the breasts are “Real” and the result of a rare genetic condition.

- I’m no Doctor, but I believe the Medical term for Gigantic Boobs on a man is “Chesticles”.

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In honor of Presidents Day, a company that specializes in “Memorial Spaceflights” announced plans to send hair samples from George Washington, John F. Kennedy, Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan into Space on a rocket next year.

- They were going to send it up this week… but they were afraid the Government might go crazy and shoot the rocket down.

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A long-lost letter from George Washington - where he is trying to sell land for cash in 1787 - hints at the first president’s financial woes, and it is expected to fetch $50,000 at auction.

- Too bad he didn’t think of selling the LETTER at the time!! He could have gotten the CASH and kept the LAND!!!

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Get Better… Tom Sizemore… The 61 year old actor, born in Detroit, best known for his work in “Saving Private Ryan” who is in Critical Condition after suffering a Brain Aneurysm over the weekend.

RIP… Richard Belzer… The comedian and actor best known for his 23 year run on the "Law & Order" TV Shows has died at age 78. No cause of death given.

RIP… Stella Stevens… Co-star of movies including the “Nutty Professor” with Jerry Lewis and the “Poseidon Adventure” has died at the age of 84 after a battle with Alzheimers. I met Stella twice - both memorable. As I mentioned on the radio show a couple of times, I interviewed her on the air in Cincinnati once - and after the show (I signed off at 3pm) she asked me out for a drink. I nervously explained that I couldn’t as my wife, Gail and baby daughter, Jennifer were on their way to the station to pick me up.

The second timeI was at Channel 4 in Detroit… and unbeknownst to me, Stella was there promoting a play. Alan Frank, who was General Manager of 4 at the time had heard me tell my “Stella Story” on the air before and decided to “recreate” the moment. So i’m sitting in his office, and all of a sudden the door opens up and there stands Stella Stevens. This is 20 years later mind you. I look at her and I say “Stella!” And she just smiles.

Did she remember me? I have no idea. But I doubt it.

Did I go out for a drink with her?

Not that time, either.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

RIP… Raquel Welch... the legendary actress of film, tv and stage who passed away yesterday at age 82 after a brief illness.

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80 year old President Biden will head to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland for a Physical Exam Thursday, ahead of an expected announcement that he will seek a second term in the White House.

- He's also expected to undergo a Colonoscopy in the coming weeks to check for Polyps... and Secret Classified Documents.

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The White House says they will release a “Written Summary” of the doctors report on the President’s health later this afternoon.

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the report is going to say he’s in better shape than Tom Brady.

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Pharma giant Pfizer/Viatris - maker of Viagra - announced that they will SUSPEND SHIPMENT of the drug to Russia do to Putin’s ongoing war against Ukraine.

- Well Vlad’s gonna be up in arms about that… but apparently that’s about it.

- NOTE: Pfizer formed “Viatris” when they merged Mylan and “Upjohn”… Coincidence???

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Yesterday, CNN's Don Lemon - who recently screamed at and made his co-host Kaitlyn Collins cry - claimed that Nikki Haley, who is running for President is "Past her Prime" as a woman. Why? Because she’s not in her "20's, 30's or 40's".

- Oh... that's not gonna go over well with the ladies. Not that that's gonna affect Don's dance card on Saturday night.

****

White House Officials now say that many of the “mysterious” objects in the sky could be “Benign crafts and NOT aliens visiting earth or spy satellites”… or even… Wait for it… “USED CAR LOT BALLOONS”.

- You know, when I woke up this morning I thought I lived in the USA. But it turns out, I'm living in a Comic Book.

*****

A Eurasian eagle owl who escaped from the Central Park Zoo in New York earlier this month is now hunting for his own food.

- If he was as "Wise" as they say, he'd set up camp outside a "HOO-ters".

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick