As the Spartan Community continues to reel from the horrific events of Monday night... I have to say, on a personal note, as a Father and Grandfather, like all of you - I am devastated.

Four of my Grandchildren - JoAnne's daughter Lauren & son Adam, and Jessica's sons Preston & Jack are students at MSU and were on campus when the shots rang out. Jack - a sophomore - was in the Union - just 20 feet away from where the gunman stood when Jack heard what he thought was something falling or breaking. If only that had been the case. Instead we have three dead, and five others fighting for their lives in Sparrow Hospital.

And here we are. Just 15 months after Oxford. And, of course, all the other tragedies - the names... the tears... the memorials... Again.

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And now for a look at a lighter side of the news…

For the first time since the Bureau of Labor started keeping stats in 1980, a dozen eggs now cost MORE than a pound of BEEF.

- So many people are eating beef, some Chickens have started laying Hamburgers to try keep up with demand.

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A new study explains that morning gym-goers reap slightly more rewards and burn more calories than those who workout later in the day.

- And SIGNIFICANTLY more than those who put if off all day... and then decide not to go at all.

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When asked about President Biden's communication style during the White House press briefing Tuesday, Karine Jean Pierre said President Biden is "The best communicator in the White House".

- Isn’t that kind of like saying Harpo was the most “Talkative” of the Marx Brothers??

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Researchers from the National Institutes of Health say they are closer to approving a Fast-Acting MALE Birth Control Pill that Starts working within 30 minutes and “Stops Swimmers for a full 24 hours".

- Well if it doesn't work out for Birth Control, we could aways use it against our competitors at the next Olympics.

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Insiders at the World Health Organization (WHO) say there will be NO FURTHER INVESTIGATION INTO THE ORIGINS OF COVID. Why, you ask? Well apparently it's because "The Chinese aren't being cooperative".

- Well okay then. I guess we'll just have to let it go...

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Prayers for the three MSU students who tragically lost their lives, the 5 still fighting for theirs, and all those whose world has been forever altered by yet another senseless act of violence - this time, like Oxford… so close to home…on the campus of Michigan State. Our hearts are with each of them and their families as they try to comprehend the incomprehensible.

Hug your kids and I’ll see you back here tomorrow.

-Dick

HAIL TO THE CHIEFS!!!

What a game!!! One of the best Super Bowls in a long time… MVP Kansas City QB Patrick Mahomes - on a bad ankle - and the Chiefs came back from a ten point deficit in the second half to defeat the Philadelphia Eagles 38-35. It was the Chiefs 2nd Super Bowl Bowl win in 4 years!

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Immediately after the crushing loss, Eagles fans flooded the streets of Philadelphia, scaling lampposts, hurling bottles and chanting “F*** the Chiefs”. Police and SWAT teams made several arrests.

- And that’s why they call it “The City of Brotherly Love”.

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It’s been reported that each 30 second commercial during Super Bowl LVII cost companies $7 MILLION up from 6.5 MILLION a year ago

- But Super Bowl ads are still cheaper than a dozen eggs.

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Hip-Hop star Rhianna brought a special guest to her halftime show… her unborn baby! The 9-time Grammy Award winner revealed a prominent “Baby Bump” under her red latex outfit - announcing to the world that she and boyfriend A$AP Rocky are expecting their second child.

- If she can lip sync the labor pains as well as she did the performance… I don’t think she’ll need an epidural.

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To this day, the group that holds the record for the most performances at a Super Bowl Halftime Show is… UP WITH PEOPLE… who performed at the Big Game in 1971, ‘76, ‘80, ‘82, and ‘86.

- If you don’t remember “Up with People” …was like “Donny & Marie” on steroids.

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George Toma, the 94 year old official NFL Groundskeeper was trashed on social media after both Super Bowl teams struggled to keep their feet on the ground without slipping during yesterdays game.

- Hey… He’s 94. They’re lucky he wasn’t yelling at the players, “Hey kids… Get off my lawn!”

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Tom Brady sent out a tweet before the game yesterday - his first Super Bowl since retiring (for real this time) from the NFL indicating that he was at a bit of a loss. He wrote, "I’m not sure what to do with my hands,"

- Well, Tom, if you had stayed retired the first time and thus stayed married to Gisele, you wouldn’t be wondering about that right now.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Pentagon now says that the Chinese Spy Balloon is part of a “Larger Spy Effort” on China’s part.

- Part II will have some guy dressed up like Ed McMahon showing up at the Front Door of the White House with a big check and a bunch of Spy Balloons, telling the Prez that he won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

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Madonna lashed out at those who criticized the “work” she’s had done on her face after video of her at Sunday night’s Grammy’s left viewers shocked. She blamed “Ageism and Misogeny” and “Photos taken with a long lens camera that would distort anyone’s face!”.

- On “The View” it’s known as the “Joy Behar Cam”.

PS… I had a shot of me taken like that by a photographer from People Magazine one time when they did a story on the Radio show. I was in the foreground and I looked like a fish with a mustache. I didn’t blame it on “Ageism and Misogyny”…. I blamed it on what it really was… REALITY!!

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Florida led the world in “unprovoked” shark bites in 2022 — accounting for 28% of all global attacks.

- Are there a lot of “Provoked” shark attacks??

- Seriously… Are there a bunch of people who go swimming in the ocean and say, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s body surf for a while…. then provoke a couple sharks… then maybe grab some lunch”.

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According to a new Free Speech Survey, a majority of College Students are afraid to express their views in class.

- Including THE Ohio State University… Thus, we wrote a song for them that we played every year before the Michigan-OSU game. Here’s a sample of the lyrics…

“They say the girls… who go… to OSU…. are husband hunting dames…

They dig the jocks…who got… the killer instinct… not the boys with Brains!!!

At Columbus… You’re way ahead! With Straight A’s in Physical Ed!

Down with Ohio State! It’s a No Nothin’ Party School!”

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48 year old Leo DiCaprio - who famously only dates women 25 years old or younger - was roasted online this week over an alleged romance with a model who’s just 19. That means Leo’s girlfriend was born 7 years AFTER the movie “Titanic” came out.

- His “Heart May Go On”… but if he keeps dating teenagers… he’s gonna need Viagra to keep everything else afloat.

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A new horror movie "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey" opens in theaters next week... It follows Pooh and Piglet who have become "bloodthirsty murderers" as they terrorize a bunch of college co-eds and a grown-up Christopher Robin.

- Sounds like the feel-good movie of year!! I hope it’s a MUSICAL!!!!!

- What’s next? "The Cat In The Hat Sticks an Ax in Their Backs"??

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The Oscar winning movie “La La Land” is in development to become a Broadway Musical.

- If they're looking to make Movies into musicals… might I suggest, the “The Godfather”? I always thought that scene where Luca Brasi gets garroted with piano wire could use a nice song and dance number.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Pundits are betting that President Biden was previewing the slogan for his 2024 Presidential run during his State of the Union last night when he repeatedly said "Let's Finish the Job".

- He talked for an hour and 13 minutes. By the end I was like... "Let's Just Finish the Speech!"

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First Lady Jill Biden and Kamala Harris’s husband Doug Emhoff raised eyebrows at last nights State of the Union when they shared a full-on kiss on the lips before the President’s Address.

- I’ll admit I was shocked. But that’s because I thought Emhoff was Bill O’Reilly!

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An 82-year-old woman was pronounced dead at a New York nursing home but found to be alive three hours later at the funeral home where she had been taken.

- Start Spreading the News! I’m Breathing Today!!! I want to be a part of it! New York New York!!!

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A Swiss baker earned a Guinness World Record at a wedding fair by creating the world's largest "Wearable Dress" made out of Cake. The edible outfit which weighs 289 pounds and 13 ounces.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't women usually AVOID cake so they can fit INTO their Wedding Dress??

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A record 50.4 million adults in the United States -- roughly 20% of the population -- are expected to bet approximately $16 billion on Super Bowl LVII.

- And that number goes up to $20 BILLION if your factor in Pete Rose and Denny McLain’s wagers.

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Researchers say they've narrowed down the most stressful time of the day... and that time is: 7:23am.

- Which is why I always set MY alarm for 7:24!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Tom Brady posted a pic on Social Media of himself sitting on the corner of his bed wearing nothing but a pair of his “Brady Brand” underwear.

- I’m no divorce lawyer… but when it came to splitting things up, I think Tom should have gotten all the Jerseys and Gisele should have gotten all the under-things.

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President Biden will deliver his State of the Union Address tonight at 9pm.

- Joe says he plans to keep it short as he usually likes to stay home on Tuesday nights and order Chinese.

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Meanwhile… While China continues to insist that the Spy Balloon the US shot down over the Atlantic off the coast of S. Carolina Saturday “accidentally veered off course” - they are also claiming that a SECOND Chinese Balloon currently flying over Central America was ALSO “ thrown off course by weather”.

- Right… I wouldn’t count on them coming clean about the Balloons anytime soon… I think this is what’s known as an “Ancient Chinese Secret"!!!

- Ironically, the Balloons are the first things to arrive in the U.S. marked "Made in China" that didn't stop working five minutes after they showed up.

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A Japanese zoo said it has solved the mystery of a Gibbon who became pregnant while living ALONE in an enclosure… with NO MALES allowed in or out. Turns out there was a small hole in a board at the back of the enclosure which a male Monkey who lived nearby “Used to his advantage”.

- Zookeepers said, “By George, he’s not only Curious, he’s Creative!!!”

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JLo and Ben Affleck appeared to be in a bit of a tiff during the Grammys Sunday night… and the tabloids hired “Expert Lip Readers” to study the video. They say JLo told a bored looking Ben to “Stop” and “Look more friendly”. And an annoyed Ben responded, “I might”.

- But no worries! It’s to be expected!!! I mean THINK ABOUT IT!!!! They got married LAST JULY!! (True!!!) It’s the 7 MONTH ITCH!!!!

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Scientists from the Korea Research Institute of Chemical Technology are developing 100% biodegradable, environmentally-friendly paper straws that don’t get soggy.

- Forget straws… Can’t they figure out a way to keep Cereal from getting soggy the second you pour milk on it??

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Have a great day and I’ll see you b ack here Wednesday!

-Dick

The U.S. military shot down the suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been flying across the country for days. The Chinese said it was just a “Civilian Airship that accidentally drifted off course”.

- Of course if was!! Kind of like Covid was just a Civilian Virus that accidentally drifted out of that lab in Wuhan.

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The balloon was reportedly shot down by a single missile fired from a US fighter jet.

- But today… is National Chop Sticks Day (True!) so it’s POSSIBLE that instead of a missile, we brought down the balloon using a Giant Chop Stick.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci is facing backlash after it was revealed that he is charging up to $100,000 for speaking engagements. Fauci is described by his agent agent as "A man who can alter the course of Human Existence”

- It's true. Fauci's like a really short Super Hero... He flies in, saves the day... and people are like "Who was that Masked Man??"

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Madonna was all but unrecognizable at last night's Grammy Awards... with fans flooding social media with concerns that she might have finally had too much plastic surgery on her face.

- How tight is her skin? Let's just say when she tried to smile, her panty hose rode up and accidentally gave her a wedgie.

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A new study claims drivers of Mini Coopers have higher IQs than everyone else on the road… while owners of Land Rovers, Fiats, and BMWs were found to have lower than average IQ scores.

- If owning a Mini Cooper means you’re smart… I’m gonna do one better and get me one of those MAXI-Coopers! Then I can join Mensa!!!

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A growing number of lawmakers, business leaders, and academics are pushing for the U.S. to embrace a 4-day work week...that would allow employees to work 32 hours instead of 40 without losing any pay or benefits.

- So far, the only company against it is the T.G.I.F. Restaurant Chain which says it doesn’t want to have to pay to re-do all of its signs to read "Thank God It's Thursday".

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

Dick

Punxsutawney Phil saw his Shadow… meaning six more weeks of Winter...

AGAIN…

SERIOUSLY…

FOR REAL…

PHIL’S NOT KIDDING THIS TIME…

STAY TUNED…

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A UK man flying to Ibiza to help get over a recent breakup from his girlfriend was arrested after attacking flight staff who told him he was too drunk to board the plane.

- And unfortunately the entire flight ended up being cancelled since he was, you know, the Pilot.

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A man looking for "treasure" with a metal detector ended up finding a priceless artifact... A gold heart shaped pendant given by Henry the VIII to Catherine of Aragon to celebrate their marriage - his first of six.

- Catherine is said to have loved the necklace... telling her Ladies-in-Waiting, “He went to the Tower of London Jared!!!!"

- Even so, unlike Henry’s second wife Anne Boleyn, Catherine wasn’t HEAD over heels with Henry.

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Porn Star Ron Jeremy, who is locked up while awaiting trial on Sexual Assault charges, is reportedly so senile… he believes he’s “Shooting sex scenes with ‘Naughty Nurses’ at the psychiatric hospital where he’s being held.

- When I think "Naughty Nurse" and "Psychiatric Hospital" I usually think Nurse Ratched in "One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest" NOT "Bi-Polar Panty Raid ". (Btw… Nurse Ratched was played by Louise Fletcher - who passed away last September 23rd).

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A woman in Seattle returned to her home Friday night to find a broken window… and a fully clothed man taking a bath in her bathroom.

- She called the cops who arrived before he was able to make a clean getaway. (Ba da Boom!)

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74 year old Ozzie Osbourne announced that due to ongoing health battles, he is cancelling the remainder of his scheduled concert dates and retiring from the road.

- Put another way... "Bat's all Folks!"

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A man in Singapore is suing a woman for $2.3 MILLION after she turned down a date with him and said she “just wants to be friends”. He says the rejection caused “Damage to his Stellar Reputation” along with “Trauma, Depression and Impact to his Life”.

- If men could sue every time a woman turned ‘em down for a date... Big Al would own "Twitter" right now instead of Elon Musk. (Just kidding Al…!)

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A Gas station attendant in Mobile, Alabama called the Cops after he found a human Penis lying on the ground near one of the gas pumps. Police have begun an investigation but say at this time, “There is nothing to indicate Foul Play”.

- EXCUSE ME????? No "FOUL PLAY"???

- Do they think someone just bought it at “Bed, Bath, Penises, and Beyond”???

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

BREAKING NEWS… TOM BRADY IS RETIRING…

AGAIN…

SERIOUSLY…

FOR REAL…

HE’S NOT KIDDING THIS TIME…

STAY TUNED…

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After 3500 episodes dealing with everything from marital strife to addiction interventions to mother-in-law troubles… The “Dr. Phil” show is coming to an end this Spring after 21 seasons.

- I did a phone interview with Dr. Phil one time… To be honest, he didn’t seem like he was in a very good mood. Maybe he was having some Marital Strife… Or addiction issues… Or Mother-in-law troubles… You think?? I mean, he’s only human!

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Major airlines including JetBlue, Virgin Atlantic, and Delta have begun altering their uniform policies for pilots and flight attendants, with many now allowing employees to choose between Women's or Men's uniforms regardless of their biological gender.

- So if your flight attendant offers you “Coffee, Tea or ME??” you might want to make sure “She” doesn’t have an extra “Carry on” under her skirt that you’re unaware of.

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The Tennessee cop fired for having kinky sex with Multiple Officers WHILE ON DUTY told investigators she “cracked” while going through a difficult divorce.

- Tom Brady went through a “Difficult Divorce” - and he may have lost many MILLIONS of dollars in the process and didn’t even end up going to the Super Bowl again… but he DIDN’T sleep with a bunch of other players DURING ONE OF THE GAMES!!!

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According to a new survey, 1 in 5 employees “Hate” their work environment.

- And that number goes WAY UP if you poll the people who work in Kamala Harris’s office.

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A new study says Chimpanzee Teens may not be so different from the human kind… claiming that teen chimps experience the same rapid hormone changes, increased aggression, and competition for social status as typical high school students.

- And, like teen boys, teen Chimps like to Monkey around.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

What a year it’s been so far! So many losses… Yesterday alone we lost two.

RIP… Bobby Hull… the “Golden Jet”… of the Chicago Black Hawks who died yesterday at age 84. He was one of of The Greats… flying down the left wing of the ice, firing off a rocket-like Slapshot that thrilled fans and scared the skates off every goalie in the league.

It reminds me of the time Gordie Howe called and asked me to drive downtown with him to Cobo Hall to receive an Award. (Gordie and I were friends… plus we played together on my Charity Hockey Team - the “Purtan No-Stars” - of which I was the Founder, General Manager, Coach, & Goalie! And Gordie was… well… The Star!!! )

Afterwards, on the way back to Gordie’s house, I mentioned that on that very day I’d heard an interview Bobby Hull gave to the Press in which he announced that he was such a fan of Gordie’s… that if he ever came close to breaking Gordie’s all-time NHL Goal Scoring Record - he wouldn’t do it.

Gordie looked at me and said, “Bobby said that?? “Really?”

And I said, “That’s what I heard him say”.

And Gordie mouthed, “Wow”.

Yesterday, when I heard the sad news of Bobby’s passing, I looked up their goal scoring records in the NHL. Gordie had 801. Bobbie ended up with 610. So….. Bobby was true to his word.

Rest well Bobby… and our Hearts and Prayers to the Hull Family, including of course, Bobby’s son, former Red Wing Brett Hull.

And

RIP… Cindy Williams… who, along with Penny Marshall, starred in “Laverne & Shirley” has died at age 75 after a brief illness. You might also remember her from 1973’s “American Graffiti”. We had her on the show one morning when she was in town performing in a play… Nice lady! (Penny Marshall died in 2018) And In the words of Laverne & Shirley… "Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!"

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Researchers say that the Greenland Shark postpones mating until it’s over 100 years old.

- Apparently it wants to be there for the Conception... but wants to skip the whole "Raising it" phase.

- My Dad made it close to 100. He died at age 96. I asked him one time… “Hey Dad… You still doin’ it??” He looked at me, winked… and didn’t say a word.

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A massive fire destroyed a large Egg Farm in Connecticut on Saturday… killing 100,000 chickens and injuring thousands more.

- If only the Chickens had chosen THAT moment to Cross the Road.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Super Bowl LVII is set: The Philadelphia Eagles will face the Kansas City Chiefs in Arizona on Sunday, February 12th!

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Gwyneth Paltrow admitted that she had to close the London location of her “Goop” store after the pricey boutique which featured items including a $60 candle shaped like a Woman's Butt, lost almost $2 MILLION last year.

- A Candle shaped like a woman’s butt? No wonder she lost $2 MIL in ASSets.

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King Charles has reportedly asked the Archbishop of Canterbury to broker a deal between his two warring sons so Prince Harry can attend his Coronation.

- Sounds more like a job for Dr. Phil. That’s who we use in my family… but only when Jerry Springer's not available.

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State Farm and Progressive Insurance have confirmed that they plan to DROP COVERAGE of certain Kia and Hyundai models made between 2015 and 2019 due to an increase in thefts of up to 300% due to “Car Theft Challenges” posted on Social Media.

- Meanwhile... How about we start a movement to get Liberty Insurance to change their theme song??? I mean c'mon!!!! LIBERTY... LIBERTY... LIBERTY.……… LIBERTY... That's all they could come up with???

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A new study found that dogs have “Special ways” to communicate with humans that animals such as pigs don’t have.

- Well good for dogs! But PIGS can FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On this day in 1873 “Around the World in 80 Days,” by Jules Verne was published.

The book told the story of what was supposed to be an hour long flight from Detroit to Chicago... that ended up taking 2 1/2 months because the characters in the book took Southwest.

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RIP... Barrett Strong… singer and songwriter who wrote classic hits for the Temptations, Marvin Gaye, Edwin Starr and others Motown Greats has died. He was 81.

RIP... Annie Wersching, best known for TV shows including "Timeless", "24" and "Bosch", has died following a nearly three-year battle with cancer. She was 45.

RIP... Lisa Loring, who as a 6 year old became the first actress to play Wednesday Addams in the original “The Addams Family” sitcom, has died at the age of 64.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

In a new book, Robert Redford claims that he wore two pair of “tight underpants to protect himself” from Barbra Streisand during the sex scenes in the 1972 movie “The Way We Were” because she was “Infatuated” with him. He says Barbra wore a Bikini.

- Can it be that things were all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? If they had the chance to do it all again... Tell me, Would they? Could they?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a deal to write a new “Motivational” book.

- The working title is: “Work Hard: The Ultimate Guide to Having It MAID In The Shade!!!”

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The ladies of the View are known for erupting over a lot of topics... but Wednesday... they were left mostly speechless when it appeared that one of the co-hosts broke wind live-on the air while during a discussion of Secret Classified Documents.

- To be honest, it was the least offensive sound to come out of that show in a long, long time.

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A time out was called with 16:30 left in the second half of the Loyola Chicago-Duquesne college basketball game Wednesday night, when an Uber Eats delivery man WANDERED ONTO THE COURT with a bag full of McDonald’s burgers and a drink… looking for the guy who ordered it.

- The Refs ordered him to leave but not before they ended up with, Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, and a Sesame Seed Bun all over the Basketball Court… not to mention all the Ketchup after he tried to Dunk a few Fries while he was looking for his customer.

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Google… who last week announced the lay off of 12,000 employees world wide, admitted that number includes 27 “In-House” massage therapists who will no longer be available for on-demand massages in Google’s California offices.

- Oh this is really gonna rub people the wrong way… (A little massage humor there… Very little!)

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Researchers say a Diet high in Fat and Junk Food actually “Rewires” the brain… and can reduce ability to regulate appetite and calorie consumption in as little as 10 days.

- Which is why I eat Potato Chips and Raisinettes for 9 days in a Row… have a Salad and a Piece of Salmon on Day 10… and then Start all over again!

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According to a new study, 58% of people agree that Bugs could become a legitimate meat alternative in the future.

- Is there anyway we could skip over eating the ACTUAL INSECTS and go right to the “PLANT-BASED” Bugs part??

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Sunday, Sheriff’s deputies in Albuquerque, NM arrested a man for running through the streets naked before jumping onto a crowded patio dining area.

- He was arrested for “Indecent Exposure"... but applauded by the restaurant staff for "leaving a nice tip".

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

As of January 15th, is is now illegal to Smoke outdoors in Mexico - and lighting up in public squares, parks, sports stadiums and on beaches will now get you a ticket and a fine of up to $500.

- But on. a bright note, if you want to walk into the US with a backpack full of Fentanyl… you’re good to go!

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THIS JUST IN… The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed that Universal has cancelled production of it’s Movie based on Madonna’s decades-long music career. No reason has been given for the project being axed.

- Call me a conspiracy theorist… but I’m betting’ the FBI may be searching Madonna’s “Drawers” for Secret Classified Documents.

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As Egg prices continue to skyrocket, Egg smuggling cases have doubled at the US-Mexico border in the last month alone.

- Border Agents are Scrambling to get a handle on the situation.

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The Food and Drug Administration on Monday proposed treating COVID-19 vaccines like the annual flu shot.

- I didn’t see that one coming’… (Yeah, right!)

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Ghislaine Maxwell insisted in her first jail-house interview that, as a Vegan, the food she if offered to eat in Prison is “Tasteless”.

- Well, if anyone knows about “Tasteless”… it’s the woman who was in charge of filling Jeffrey Epstein’s Dance Card.

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The Prime Minister of Sweden is facing Political backlash after it was discovered that one of his top aides went Eel fishing - which is illegal in Sweden… and then lied to Police about it.

- The aide could not only face Prison time, but being Sweden… would face the added humiliation of having to put his own Jail Cell together using a kit from IKEA.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

We don’t even know who’s playing yet… but the average cost of a ticket to the Super Bowl is already $5,911 and the cheapest seat will set you back $4,489.

- But after his divorce from Gisele Bundchen, I think we can all agree - Tom Brady paid the most in an attempt to make it to the Super Bowl this year… and it turns out he’s not even going!!!

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Hollywood has largely come out in support of Alec Baldwin (BIG SURPRISE!) saying he shouldn’t be facing Involuntary Manslaughter charges in the accidental shooting death of the cinematographer on his movie set.

- Here’s an idea… At the Academy Awards, why don’t they just have Will Smith slap Alec, give ‘em both an Oscar and call it a day??

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Meanwhile, Alec’s wife Hilaria was ripped on Social Media for using a fake Spanish accent…AGAIN… when she asked photographers to give her family privacy after it was announced that Alec WILL FACE charges.

- The Baldwins seem confused… There lives would be so much easier if they used MORE fake BULLETS and FEWER fake ACCENTS.

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Police were called when a loose cow was spotted wandering outside an Olive Garden restaurant in OKLAHOMA.

- Turns out the Wind that Came Sweepin’ Down the Plain smelled like Veal Parmesan… and it turns out Cows LOVE Veal Parmesan! Who would have thunk it??

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A local police department in Rhode Island received a handwritten letter from a young girl asking them to run a DNA test on a partially eaten cookie she left out for Santa on Christmas Eve to prove that Santa is a “Real Person”.

- But the way the world is going, I’m afraid we’ll also find out that Santa is not only REAL, he’s also wanted at the North Pole for a series of robberies at the “Elegant Elves Small & Short Shoppe”.

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Doctors amputated the testicle of a young man who got clubbed in the groin by a police officer during a huge demonstration in Paris.

- Reminds me of that scene in Casablanca when Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman… “The Germans wore Grey… And parts of that young man were Black & Blue”. (Or something like that…)

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new survey found that office workers are at their most productive at 10:22 a.m. each morning but start to slump by 1:27 in the afternoon.

- So basically… I spent 45 years signing off 22 minutes BEFORE I peaked. Wow. The show could have been so much better if only we’d stayed on a few minutes longer!

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Temperatures in the world's coldest city - Yakutsk in east Siberia - have plummeted to -58 degrees Fahrenheit.

- But it’s a Dry Cold.

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Jennifer Lopez say she suffered from PTSD before her wedding to Ben Affleck last summer - because she was nervous it would "fall apart" like their engagement did back in 2004.

- I'm sure the soldiers who made it back from Vietnam, the Gulf War, Afghanistan, etc... can REALLY identify Jennifer’s trauma!

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Fresh off the finalization of his divorce from Kim Kardashian, Kanye “Ye” West 45 has married 27 year old Bianca Censori. Kanye may love her… but Kim is said to “Hate” her ex-husband’s new wife. (True)

- Kim went so far as to say Bianca is "Butt-Ugly"... and coming from Kim... that's a PRETTY BIG insult.

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Five Florida men are headed to Prison for stealing over $1.3 million of perfume from a warehouse in New Jersey.

- They were each sentenced to Chanel No. 5 to 10.

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According to new research, Protein-Rich “Beetle Burgers” - Patties made out of crushed beetles - could soon be a staple food all around the world.

- Yummy!

- I can hear it now… “You want FLIES with that?”

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20 year old Climate activist Greta Thunberg was detained by police during an anti-coal mining protest in a small German Village last weekend… telling the crowd, “Germany is really embarrassing itself right now”.

- Oh Greta… it takes A LOT more than that to embarrass Germany…. Like, for example, starting that little thing known as “World War II”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s “National Thesaurus Day”!!!… I wish I could think of a word to describe how excited I feel about that!!!

It’s also “National Peking Duck Day”… So if you see a Duck Peking in your window… tell him to put some pants on!

*****

The famous Von Trapp family from “The Sound of Music” is developing a dramatic TV series about their lives following the iconic movie. Producers say it WON’T be a musical.

- So the Network will be the only one getting any “Do-Re-Mi”.

- And since it’s a more modern version, instead of wearing Drapes, in the new TV Series, Maria makes the Von Trapp kids clothes out of Venetian Blinds.

- Plus… to appeal to today’s “Woke” audience, in the new Series, Captain Von Trapp identifies as a Woman and - in a moment of irony - leaves Maria and the kids - to join the Convent as Austria’s first Trans Nun.

*****

Speaking of Nuns…

The World’s oldest known living person- Sister Andre - a French Nun - died yesterday at the age of 118. No cause of death has been released.

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say………….. OLD AGE???

*****

A new study warns that eating just one portion of freshwater fish from US lakes and rivers — such as a Catfish or Trout — could expose people to a tremendous amount of harmful “Forever Chemicals”.

- Well this is just GREAT! First they tried to shove Plant-Based MEAT down our throats… Now they’re gonna be pushing, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Catfish!”

*****

Madonna announced that she will play Little Caesars Arena on Saturday, August 5th as part of a 40th Anniversary North American and European Concert run called Madonna: The Celebration Tour.

- And like everything that touches Madonna, the news has already gone Viral.

*****

The Department of the Interior will replace the word "Squaw" in the names of Public Lands and Waterways because it's considered an "Offensive ethnic, racial and sexist slur, particularly for Indigenous women". The announcement was made by Interior Secretary, Deb Haaland.

- So we can't say "Squaw" (which means "Woman") But we can still refer to a woman as a "Secretary"??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A second batch of Classified Documents from President Biden’s time as V.P. has been found… this time in the garage of one of his homes “Next to my Corvette”.

- So Trump had “Mar a Lago”… And Biden’s got “Car-a-Lago”.

*****

Scientists from Indiana University report the average age that humans conceive children over the past 250,000 years is 26.9 years old… With the average man becoming a father at 30.7 year old… and women giving birth at 23.2 years.

- BOTTOM LINE: Even 250,000 years ago… Men went for a younger chick in the sexy loin cloth.

*****

Julia Roberts says she was “Shocked” to find out that her last name is really “Mitchell” after appearing on the Ancestry show “Finding Your Roots”. Turns out her Great, Great Grandmother Rhoda Suttle Roberts had an affair with a married man - Henry Mitchell - after her husband Willis Roberts died… and THAT man is Julia’s Great Great Grandfather.

- Well apparently Julia’s Great Great Grandmother was a “Pretty Woman”, too.

*****

According to new research, listening to music reduced stress during the pandemic.

- Unless, of course, you listened to “All By MYSELF” by Eric Carmen” or “Every BREATH You Take“ by the Police.

*****

Archaeologists in Germany have uncovered some of the earliest evidence of the use of clothing, with newly discovered cut marks on a bear paw suggesting the prehistoric animals were skinned for their fur some 300,000 years ago.

- This explains why they saw the “Dittrich’s Furs” sign over the entrance to the Cave.

*****

An English model whose had 16 breast implant procedures now says that she’s been left in “agony” with severe back pain after her latest operation.

- Well I’m glad she got THAT off her chest.

*****

Six journalists in South Sudan have been arrested for circulating video that appears to show President Salva Kiir wetting himself at an official event.

- He was giving a speech on “Trickle Down Economics” at the time.

*****

RIP… Jeff Beck… Jeff Beck, the rock guitarist who rose to fame when he replaced Eric Clapton in the Yardbirds and often regarded among the greatest guitarist of all time, has died at 78 after contracting Bacterial Meningitis.

and

RIP… Charles White… the legendary USC running back and winner of the 1979 Heisman Trophy died Wednesday at the age of 64. No cause of death has been released.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s National “Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day”.

- So if your name is Dot… This is YOUR Day!!!

*****

According to his Publisher Prince Harry's memoir “Spare” sold 400,000 copies in it’s first day, making it the “fastest-selling Non-Fiction Book of all time”.

- … Or as the Royal Family calls it the “Fastest-selling FICTION Book of all-time”.

*****

Thousands of Flights across the US were grounded by the FAA this morning after a Computer Safety System went down for several hours.

- There were a few exceptions… Flights from Mexico were allowed to come in across the Southern Border… No Questions Asked.

*****

Yesterday, the newly sworn in House of Representatives voted 221 to 210 to rescind more than $70 billion in funding earmarked to hire 87,000 new IRS agents.

- YAY!!!!!!!!

*****

The University of Southern California's School of Social Work will no longer use the word "Field" because it "may have connotations for descendants of slavery and immigrant workers that are not benign," according to a letter from the department. From now on, they’ll use the word “Practicum” instead.

- Did someone complain or did that just come out of Left Practicum??

*****

A new study finds that less than 4% of men are accepted as sperm donors.

- But on a bright note… in this “Woke” World, 9 out of the top 10 Sperm Donors in the US will soon be… WOMEN!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-.. .. -.-. -.- (Dick)

The former First Lady of France, Carla Bruni is being called a “racist” by some after she posted an edited photo of Harry and Meghan on Social Media which replaced Meghan Markle with Yoko Ono.

- I’m not a big fan of Meghan… but c’mon! Her singing voice can’t be THAT bad!

*****

Yesterday, it was revealed that some Classified Documents from Joe Biden time as Obama’s VP were found in a locked drawer in a rarely used office at a Biden “Think Tank” in Washington, D.C.

- I don’t know what’s funnier… the Irony of the situation… or the idea that the “Think Tank” was described as “Rarely Used”.

*****

The US Government is reportedly considering a ban on GAS STOVES (used by about 40% of American homes for cooking)… claiming that they are a “source of indoor pollution” that - according to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission - may contribute to respiratory illnesses.

- Next Up… They’re gonna teach us how to cook bacon, eggs… and Toast… on the engine of our ELECTRIC CARS!!!!

- Hey… while the Prez is in Mexico, maybe he could work out a plan to eliminate Gas AFTER eating Burritos and Refried Beans??

*****

Two female best friends who describe themselves as “Platonic Life Partners” are living together after they were each Divorced from previous partners.

- Relationship Experts even have a fancy term for this kind of living arrangement: It’s called “Roommates”.

*****

One of the many revelations Prince Harry made in his autobiography “Spare” which hit bookstores today: He ended up with a Frost Bitten Penis (or “Todger” as he called it - must be a British thing) during a 200 Mile Charity Walk in the Arctic that left him in great pain during William and Kate’s 2011 Wedding.

- Did he not realize he needed to put on Fur lined underwear when his Wee Willie Winkie started to Wee Willie Shrinky???

*****

A recent study of U.S. adults over 50 found that those who owned a pet for more than five years scored better on cognitive memory tests than those living without “Interspecies Housemates”.

- “Interspecies Housemates”?? That sounds like a new Reality Show where the Kardashians move in with the cast of “Duck Dynasty”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new study finds that 68% of American singles would kiss on the first date. Additionally, 80% say they would be open to kissing on the second date, and 88% would kiss on the third date.

- And if you don’t get a kiss by then, you better KISS your chances goodbye!

*****

The Lions beat the Green Bay Packers Sunday in Green Bay 20 -16… That brings the overall record between the two teams’ 187 match-ups to Packers 105 Wins… Lions… 75 Wins (counting yesterday) and 7 ties.

Despite the win… the Lions were eliminated from the Playoffs because of the weird scheduling that occurred when Damar Hamlin suffered Cardiac Arrest during last weeks Bills/Bengals game. Seattle got the final Playoff spot by winning their game yesterday, before the Lions even played. (Confused?? So am I…!!!)

But… the Buffalo Bills did beat the NE Patriots 35 - 23… so yesterday was a good day overall for my two Hometown teams… Detroit & Buffalo!

*****

Prince Harry sat down for a bunch of conflicting TV interviews ahead of the release of his bombshell Memoir, “Spare”… telling 60 Minutes that his step mother, now Queen Consort Camilla was a “Villain” and “Dangerous” but just 12 hours later telling Good Morning America that he has “Great compassion for her”.

- Meghan immediately defended Harry’s flip flop saying, as a Woman, It’s HER perogative to change HIS mind.

*****

Alec Baldwin - father to 6 kids ages 9 to 1 with his current wife Hilaria is going to be a GRANDPA! Turns out his 27 year old daughter Ireland - who he shares with ex-wife Kim Bassinger - is expecting!

- Ireland isn’t married… but I’m bettin’ if Alec has anything to say about it… there’s a Shotgun Wedding in her future.

*****

M&M's has launched Woke “All-Female” packs of their famous candies to celebrate female empowerment... featuring the companies three female mascots: Green & Brown (who some claim are a “Lesbian Couple” - TRUE) along with the new “Plumper” Purple M&M which is supposed to represent “Body Positivity”.

- Wait a minute… If the Green and Brown M&M’s are Lesbians… Does that mean the Three Musketeers Candy Bar means more than I thought it did when they say, “All for One… And One for ALL???”

*****

Gisele Bündchen posed topless for a Louis Vuitton campaign - her official return to modeling following her divorce from Tom Brady.

- After Tampa Bay’s 30 -17 loss to Atlanta yesterday… looks like Tom lost on Two Fronts.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick