It’s Flag Day!!! The day we celebrate and remember the introduction of the Country's first flag on June 14, 1777, as the official American flag by the Continental Congress.

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Yesterday, Little Caesars and the NFL announced a multi-year partnership that names Little Caesars as the Official Pizza of the NFL.

- So even if the the Lions aren’t “Hot ‘n Ready”… at least the Pizza will be!

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The January 6th hearings resumed yesterday with the second session focusing on Donald Trump’s claims that the Election was “Stolen”.

- Just to clarify… yesterday’s hearing covered TRUMP’s claims that the 2020 Election was Stolen. The hearings about HILLARY’s ongoing claims that the 2016 Election was stolen are next on the schedule … But don’t your breath.

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Experts are warning consumers to be on the lookout for “Shrinkflation”. Shrinkflation is an economic term that describes the practice companies use - where they keep prices the same, but reduce the amount of PRODUCT in the Package.

- As opposed to “Shrinkage” - which is when the “Package” itself actually gets Smaller. (Thank you George Costanza on Seinfeld).

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Bridal Fashion Experts say one of the hottest trends in Wedding Dresses this year is… Black Gowns… with more and more brides ditching the traditional White Dress and choosing a “Dark, dramatic ensemble” instead.

- Nothing says… “Til Death Do Us Part” than a dress that doubles as Funeral wear.

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Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, Boy George, & Daughter #1 Jennifer today!!!

- The former President turns 76, Boy George is 60… and my daughter Jennifer wouldn’t reveal her age. Even to me. You know how the ladies are about those kind of things…

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Gas prices hit a national record high average of $5.01 a gallon over the weekend… with the average price in Michigan at $5.21 for regular (as of this writing).

- Being the fun guy I am… I’ve turned it into a game! Every morning I get up and try to guess which has gone up higher… Gas Prices or my Blood Pressure.

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Queen Elizabeth II officially became the world's second-longest serving monarch of all time Sunday, having officially reigned as head of state for 70 years and 126 days.

- With all the family drama she’s been through… I’m sure it seems more like 80 years and 126 days.

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Louis XIV of France holds the title for longest-serving sovereign with 72 years and 110 days. He was on the throne from 1643 until 1715.

- And that’s why to this day he’s known as the “King of Hemorrhoids”. So apparently it’s not ALWAYS “Good to be the King”.

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Prince Harry took an embarrassing fall off the spirited horse he was riding in a Polo Match in California over the weekend.

- Meghan rushed over and threatened to “Have the clumsy beast put down”… and she wasn’t very nice to the horse either.

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Juan Carlos Garcia, the first CEO of Amazon Mexico, remains on the lam even as the trial in which he is charged with killing his wife begins today.

- He was supposed to be in court by 8am this morning with Prime, but is now expected to be delivered to court Wednesday by 3pm… OR he can ask for a refund.

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Ted Cruz is taking heat for comparing Liberal Woke-Craziness to the old “Girls Gone Wild” Videos adding that he’s glad we don’t have to see Elizabeth Warren and AOC in bikinis.

- To be fair, at least he didn’t add Nancy Pelosi to that list.

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On this day in 1920 the U.S. Post Office announced that children could no longer be sent by parcel post.

- And that Boys and Girls… is how the Stork got involved in delivering babies.

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Happy Birthday to Detroit’s own Tim Allen who turns 69 today!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A new large-scale study found that Optimists were more likely to make it to the age of 90 than their more negative counterparts.

- Case in point: My dad made it to 96. He always had a a smile on his face and loved to tell stories of the adventures he’d lived through - claiming they were all TRUE. For example… One time he told me that he’d survived a Flight from Cincinnati to Buffalo in a storm so bad that the plane FLEW UPSIDE DOWN FOR HALF AN HOUR. He said he just “thought positive thoughts” and knew everything would be fine. When I questioned his story, he nailed a toy airplane upside down to a piece of wood and gave it to me as a reminder that you can survive anything as long as you stay positive. Uh huh. I’ll you one thing I’m POSITIVE about… His story was B.S.!

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Scientists have discovered that Scallops are uncontrollably attracted to Disco Lights.

- How long before “The People for the Ethical Treatment of Scallops” are out on the street protesting??

- Interesting. But I hope Scallops don’t become attracted to Disco SONGS. I’m not sure I could stand listening to Donna Summer’s 7 minute Disco Version of MacArthur Park… one more time.

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The number of Monkeypox cases in the U.S. has risen to 30… but the CDC says it seems “contained”.

- Oh sure… they say that NOW. But how long until we start hearing about the “Davy Jones”, “Michael Nesmith”, “Micky Dolenz” and “Peter Tork” variants??

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There’s a new Kid’s book out called “I am Dolly Parton”.

- It’s designed to teach little ones the alphabet… but it only goes from A to Triple D.

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The soft-on-crime District Attorney of San Francisco has lost his job after getting voted out in a recall election.

- He says the election was “stolen”… Hmmmm…. Ya think maybe it was by one on those criminals he let out of jail??

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A new 10 year study out of South Wales found that men who have sex “frequently” reduce their risk of dying by 50% compared to men who only have sex once a month or less.

- Go ahead guys. I’ll wait while you go tell your wife.

- You’re welcome.

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I know we just mentioned him earlier in the week, but… today is officially “National Donald Duck Day”!!

- So relax and do what Donald does… Drop your Drawers and Shake Your Tail Feathers! (But no Twerking!!!)

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A 21 year old North Carolina native and recent graduate of NC State was the winner of last weekends “Cooper’s Hill Cheese Roll” in England… taking home the coveted “Wheel of Cheese”.

- Well… Gouda for her!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Nancy Sinatra who is 82 today! I was gonna say Something Stupid about Her Boots Being Made For Walking… but instead, I decided to mention that, ironically, she’s now the same age her father Frank was when he passed away in 1998.

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Rapper Cardi B posted a three-minute long video on Social Media to teach new Mom’s how to change a baby’s diapers without wrecking your manicure.

- How long before the White House taps her to tackle the Baby Formula Crisis??

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A new viral video shows President Biden’s son Hunter in a hotel room partying naked with a prostitute while holding a handgun.

- Remember when we thought Billy Carter “Making his Bladder Gladder” on the tarmac at an Airport in front of reporters was the most embarrassing thing a member of the President’s family could do? Ah… I miss the old days…

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A new poll found that 9 in 10 American adults have tried at least one weight loss strategy in their lifetime.

- And if you’ve been to Cedar Point lately, you know that most of those attempts FAILED.

- I’m NOT Judging. I’ve lost the same 5 pounds so many times in my life they once appeared on the back of a milk carton.

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The Missouri Court of Appeals has upheld a decision ordering GEICO Insurance to pay $5.2 MILLION to a woman who claims she caught a sexually transmitted disease from a romantic partner - in his CAR.

- Geico may have to change their slogan from “15 minutes Could Save You 15% or More” to “2 Minutes Could Cost You $5 MILLION or More”.

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An Amish man in Ohio was arrested for being drunk while driving a horse and buggy.

- Police say he fell off the wagon as a result of falling off the wagon.

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RIP… Jim Seals… One-half of the 70’s duo Seals and Crofts whose hits included “Summer Breeze”, “Get Closer” and “Diamond Girl” has died at 80.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Doctors in the UK are asking anyone with Monkey Pox to stop the spread by not having sex.

- No one was more disappointed by the news than “Curious George”.

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A Chinese restaurant in Queens, New York was vandalized by a regular customer who had been kicked out earlier that day for not wearing pants.

- No pants? Who does he think he is? Donald Sweet & Sour Duck??

- What is it about Ducks and not wearing pants?? Donald… Daffy… even Daisy! But being a “woman” (although I’m not a biologist so I had to look it up) she wears “Feathers”.

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President Biden has refused to provide Secret Service Protection for Hunter Biden's illegitimate love-child with a stripper.

- I’m thinkin maybe if Hunter had thought about “Protection” a few years ago… this wouldn’t be an issue right now.

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U.S. transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg said increasing production will be part of the solution to lowering gasoline prices.

- Great idea Pete! If only someone had thought of that before…

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A doctor is warning people that flying in economy class can actually reduce their sex drive.

- Forget your sex drive… If you’re assigned the DREADED MIDDLE SEAT, it can reduce your will to LIVE.

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In a move designed to make “Endangered Species” more inclusive, an appeals court in California has ruled that some types of Bees are now legally considered to be Fish.

- But the question remains… Can the Male BEES… Who are now FISH… Have GUPPIES???

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One year ago today, we lost my beautiful daughter, Julie - our baby - due to complications following surgery for Thyroid Cancer. She left behind her husband Brad, her son Brayden - now 10, friends too many to count, and a Dad & 5 sisters who are lost without our “#6”. But we take comfort knowing she is with her Mom, my beloved Gail who we lost in 2018.

Julie, Julie, Julie… We Love and Miss You!!!

-Dad

Ann Turner Cook - whose face became the iconic Gerber logo more than 90 years ago - died last Friday at age 95.

- They say she was a wonderful woman… although some of her relationships - like the peas she represented - were sometimes strained.

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During this weekends Platinum Jubilee Celebrations, Queen Elizabeth surprised everyone with a video she filmed with “Paddington the Bear” when she pulled a Marmalade sandwich out of her purse.

- If she had done the video with Harry and Meghan instead of the Bear, I’ll bet she would have pulled out a Bologna sandwich instead.

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Scandal plagued Prince Andrew was nowhere to be seen during the festivities - with his office saying he was staying away because he’d “tested positive for COVID”.

- Right. “I’ve got COVID” is the 2022 version of “The dog ate my homework”… which is probably what Andrew’s 14 year old ex-girlfriend suggested he tell the Queen.

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Gas in parts of California was going for $9.60 for a gallon on Friday.

- Well that’s one way to keep people from fleeing the state. Make it so expensive… they CAN’T drive away.

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85 year old Pope Francis has sparked rumors that he's going to retire soon after mobility issues forced him to use a cane and wheelchair last month.

- Well, that and the fact that an Amazon Prime truck was seen delivering Black socks, dress shoes, and a metal detector to his apartment at the Vatican.

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Today is the 78th anniversary of D-Day… when 156,000 American, British & Canadian forces stormed the beaches of Normandy in Nazi-occupied France.

- And I’m betting not one of those brave young soldiers spent even a second thinking about their Woke “preferred pronouns”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth was all smiles as she took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace with members of the Royal Family for the beginning of 4 days of celebration marking her 70 Years on the Throne.

- The Queen did not wear her Crown or carry her Scepter. For those of you that don’t know… a “Scepter” is a bejeweled staff carried by the Queen on Ceremonial Occasions. It’s also the terms the Queen uses for Meghan Markle… as in, “I love everyone in my family… ‘Cept HER”.

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It’s National “I Love My Dentist Day”! So I went out this year and bought my Dentist a Plaque to hang on his office wall. (Ba da Boom!)

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Elon Musk says he doesn't believe Tesla employees are being productive working from home and that they must return to the office 40 hours a week or look for another job.

- Apparently Elon’s not a fan of “Self-Driving Employees”.

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ABBA has made history by holding a virtual concert for a live audience in London starring the band’s “Virtual Holograms”.

- Everything was going great until the fans found out the stadium only had “Virtual Bathrooms”.

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Aerosmith has cancelled a concert after front-man Steven Tyler checked into rehab for a drug relapse.

- Steven is 74… so unlike his younger days, the drugs he relapsed on this time include Lipitor, Pepcid AC, and Viagra.

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A Chinese Tennis player had to withdraw from the French Open because she was experiencing menstrual cramps.

- I think it’s great that we’re so open about these things now. In my day that would have been treated as an “Ancient Chinese Secret”.

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1 in 4 food delivery drivers admit that they’ve done the “Horizontal Mambo” with someone in their delivery vehicle.

- So apparently your Pizza isn’t the only thing that’s been “Hot ‘n Ready” in their backseat.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Archaeologists have discovered some previously unknown mummies in Cairo, Egypt.

- Most of them were located in a “Condo made of Stone-a”.

- The lead archeologist said one of the mummies was discovered, “Buried with a donkey”. Later adding, He's my favorite honky!”.

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Speaking of Mummies… This weekend, Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 70th year on the Throne during her Platinum Jubilee.

- And the whole time Prince Charles will be following her around saying, “Mummy! Mummy! When are you going to step down and let ME be the KING??”

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According to a new report, President Biden is “angry” that the White House rushes to “clarify” and “walk back” some of his remarks… which he says makes him look “weak and not in charge”.

- Ya think??

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According to Britain’s leading artificial intelligence experts, by 2070 1 in 5 parents will likely opt for a computerized “digital baby” - which would cost about $25 a month to raise - over having a real one.

- Who wouldn’t love to hear the Pitter Patter of Little Pixels around the House??

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According to AAA, the national average for regular gasoline climbed by five cents on Wednesday to a new record of $4.67 a gallon… that’s up 48 cents in the past month alone.

- I guess that what the Biden Administration means when they say things are "Looking Up”.

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Theater owners are warning that a labor shortage and supply chain issues may lead to a severe Popcorn shortage at theaters across the country this summer.

- I’m okay with that… but there’s gonna be hell to pay if anyone messes with my Raisinettes. (Dark Chocolate of course! You know, for health reasons!?!?!)

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

“Top Gun: Maverick” set a new Memorial Day box office record bringing in $151 MILLION and landing Tom Cruise the biggest movie launch of his career.

- I saw the movie over the weekend and thought it was terrific… Tom Cruise was great. I hadn’t planned on mentioning it… but as you can see from the picture, Tom’s character was based on my Military career. But, hey, enough about me… This was Tom’s weekend!

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Nancy Pelosi’s 82 year old Husband Paul was arrested for drunk driving after a two-vehicle collision involving his Porsche in California over the weekend.

- He never should have gotten behind the wheel but to be honest… If anybody deserves a few cocktails it’s the guy married to Nancy.

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A team of scientists in the U.S. have accidentally created a group of overly aggressive Mutant Hamsters.

- Which will come in really handy if the US ever goes to war with PetSmart.

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The Mattel toy company has created the first-ever transgender Barbie Doll that retails for $40.00.

- Or you can save the 40 bucks and just put one of Barbie’s dresses on Ken.

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A 64-year-old retiree in Florida was arrested for pulling down his Speedo and exposing himself to a 28 year old woman on the beach.

- The man told the cops he “Didn’t see what the big deal was” at which point the woman said… “I was about to say the same thing”.

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Happy Birthday to Clint Eastwood who is 92 today.

- I’m bettin’ every time he wakes up he’s feelin’ lucky….. punk.

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It’s World Parrot Day! Of course this year… When Polly tells you she wants a Cracker, you’ll have to explain that with Inflation, Crackers just aren’t in the budget.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A new report claims New York State is struggling to get rid of an extra 700,000 gallons of hand sanitizer.

- Apparently they’ve decided to wash their hands of the whole current state of the world.

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Scientists now say eating up to ONE EGG EVERY DAY can increase the amount of heart-healthy metabolites in the blood, thus lowering your risk of cardiovascular disease.

- One week eggs are bad… then they’re good. Could their advice be any more Scrambled??

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A passenger gave birth during the middle of a flight from California to Florida earlier this month in the new “Comfort” section of the plane’s cabin.

- The woman thanked the flight crew for their help… but after 4 1/2 hours of labor… she suggested they might want to consider renaming the “Comfort” section something more appropriate.

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A couple in Tennessee woke up during an overnight Thunderstorm to find their dog snuggled in bed between them… the only problem was - it wasn’t their dog. Turns out it was a runaway who got scared by the storm, broke into the house and jumped into their bed.

- This reminds me of a story my mom used to tell about the time I climbed into bed with my Mom and Dad when I got scared during a thunderstorm. According to her I said, “Oh Mom… You’re so warm and soft and Fat”. Of course, I was in my mid-30’s at the time.

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After possible Salmonella was discovered at their processing plant in Kentucky, JIF is recalling 50 Peanut Butter products from store shelves.

- So far, the recall is going Smoothly.

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The discovery of new fossils by archaeologists in Argentina suggest gigantic dragons were flying around Earth alongside dinosaurs 86 million years ago.

- I hate to break it to the archeologists, but we’ve all known this since Comic Books and Japanese Monster Movies.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A weeklong vacation for a family of four at Disneyworld will now set you back at least $6000.

- Maybe they should have thought about adding an 8th Dwarf… GREEDY.

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Kanye West announced that he has redesigned McDonald’s fast food packaging… which he says includes “minimal and understated” burger boxes The only problem is… he forgot to ask McDonalds. (TRUE!)

- That’s a Whopper of a mistake. Maybe Kanye should have gone to Burger King.

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A British man left his girlfriend of 10 years for a Ukrainian refugee who moved into their home last month. The man said the Ukrainian woman made him feel like Winston Churchill.

- And I’m bettin’ his first time with her was “His finest hour”.

- Hey… we all do what we can for the War Effort.

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After 30 years of marriage, an 83 year old Pastor from North Carolina has retired from religious life, come out as Gay and now has a new career as an Adult Film star.

- Wow. And I thought it was a big deal when I considered trying “Naked Twister”.

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Conspiracy theories are swirling in China that Monkeypox was deliberately leaked by the UNITED STATES.

- Well isn’t that the Covid Pot calling the Kettle Pox!

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Yesterday Bill Clinton offered a “unique” take on President Biden’s sinking approval ratings saying, “Biden cares more about people than polls”.

- As opposed to Bill who cared more about people ON poles. (Bada Boom!)

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Biden told reporters that Monkeypox cases are quote, "Something to be concerned about”… meanwhile the latest info indicates the disease can be transmitted during sex.

- Well I can’t wait to see what THOSE MASKS are gonna look like.

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New research found that Women showed a decrease in the production of stress hormones when they get a hug from their romantic partner.

- Men on the other hand don’t get the same benefit. They just get hornier.

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A huge asteroid - TWICE the size of the world's tallest building will pass Earth on Friday – and while NASA says it’s “potentially hazardous”… it’s expected to pass at a distance of about 2.5 MILLION miles.

- Oh sure… that’s what they told the Dinosaurs 66 million years ago.

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Johnny Depp is expected to take the stand today in his $50 MILLION defamation trial against his ex-wife Amber Heard.

- I don’t how you feel… but I think Johnny’s gonna win. Maybe not win the trial… but he’s a shoe-in for the “Cutest Ponytail” Award!

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A new survey found that Adult American’s favorite picture books from their childhood were… “The Berenstain Bears”.

- Today’s kids have different favorites like… “The Little Engine That Could Run On Solar Power!”, “Curious George Goes To the Sex Change Doctor” and “Pat the Bunny But Only if She Consented!”

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An Australian Dentist who woke up from surgery with an IRISH accent, despite never having visiting Ireland, says she still has the accent a year later.

- If you don’t think mixing an Australian and Irish accent can be dangerous… You’ve never been around a Kangaroo with a drinking problem.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The U.S. set a new record for gas prices this week when the average cost at the pump topped $4-dollars a gallon in all 50 states for the first time ever.

- See?? We’re NOT DIVIDED as a Nation!!! We’re all going broke TOGETHER!!! One gallon of gas at a time…

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Speaking of gas… Students at John Hopkins University developed a new edible adhesive called “Tastee Tape” designed to hold Buritos together when you eat ‘em.

- Burritos?? I need something that will keep my Chalupas together.

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The White House announced that they are “Pausing” their controversial new “Disinformation Governance Board” because of…. “Disinformation”…. about what the boards role would be.

- This reminds me of a headline I once read (TRUE!!!): “Global Warming Conference in DC Cancelled Because of Blizzard”. You can’t make this stuff up kids! And amazingly, we don’t have to!!!

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Inflation has caused food prices to skyrocket so much that a restaurant in NYC… Sal and Mookie’s Pizzeria… now lists a 15 piece order of Chicken Wings on their menu as “Market Price” - a description usually reserved for pricey entrees like Lobster.

- So men, we finally know what the Cummerbund on a tux is for… Use it to wipe the barbecue sauce off your fingers when you take your lady out for a Fancy Candlelight Wing Dinner!

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The NY Post is reporting that Netflix is in the middle of filming an “At Home with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex-Style” docu-series about Harry and Meghan & the Royal Family.

- I can’t wait!!! And I’ve even I’ve got some suggestions for episodes for the show… How about: “How I Met Your Domineering Mother”, “Meghan’s Never Going To Be Queen For A Day” and “The Biggest Losers”??

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Marvel has released a trailer for a new She-Hulk movie.

- In the Female version, she explodes out of her clothes and turns into the Hulk when anyone asks if her jeans make her butt look big.

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Reports continue that Vladimir Putin will soon be having surgery - although details are sketchy.

- The only thing we know for sure is it’s NOT Heart Surgery…. since he doesn’t have one.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Cambodian officials have asked the public to stop picking the “Carnivorous Penis Plant” over fears it might be driven to extinction.

- If you’re interested in planting it in your Garden, you can order it online. But keep in mind that it takes a special kind of “Miracle Gro” that you can only get with a prescription from your doctor.

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Doctors have urged the Pope to use a cane and wheelchair to get around as he nurses a knee injury - but he told a group of Semininarians that he had his own cure for knee pain: “Tequila”.

- I know there’s one drink he won’t go near… Blue Nun.

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Researchers in Japan say that despite their reputation for being “aloof”… Cats are so smart they not only know their own names but the names of other cats and dogs that live in the same home.

- If the Cats are so smart… how come they can’t leap in the air and catch a Frisbee in their mouth??

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An Elderly Indian couple is suing their son for $646,000 for not giving them grandchildren… even though the son says he’s “Thinking about it”.

- As Archie Bunker once said, having kids isn’t something you want to do on the “Sperm of the moment”.

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After almost a half a century of weekly publication, People Magazine is expected to go all digital and stop publishing a printed copy of it’s magazine.

- Luckily… If you still haven’t read the 2003 Issue featuring Johnny Depp as the “Sexiest Man Alive”… you can still find it in the waiting room of my Dentist’s office.

- Or just give Amber Heard a call and see if she agrees.

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A woman in the UK feared for her life after accidentally swallowing a COVID test swab — which travelled all the way down toward her intestines - and had to be removed during emergency surgery.

- But on a bright note… the test was negative for COVID!

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On this day in 1860, the Republican Party nominated Abraham Lincoln for President.

- For those of you non-history fans… Abe was an amazing man who signed the Emancipation Proclamation and led the Union to victory in the Civil War. Your welcome.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

It’s World Hypertension Day…

Why? Is something going on in the World we should be worried about??

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Scientists in Indonesia say they’ve found evidence that a mysterious group of hobbit-like humans are still alive… shattering the belief that the 3’ 6” creatures went extinct 50,000 years ago.

- Well, they THOUGHT it was “evidence”. Turns out it was just an old video of “Fantasy Island” with Hervé Villechaize telling Mr. Roarke, “The Plane, Boss! The Plane!”

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Hyundai is developing cars with independent legs that can take steps over challenging terrain.

- Let me get this straight… I can spend 50 grand on a car that can walk… or I can pocket the cash and just walk myself?

- Well that’s one way to save money at the pump.

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Elon Musk - who says he has voted “overwhelmingly for Democrats” - suggested that President Biden is a bit of an empty suit saying, “The real President is whoever controls the teleprompter”.

- The WH says President Biden will respond… as soon as they load his speech into the teleprompter.

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The budget for “Fast & Furious 10” has reportedly ballooned to $300 million due largely to cast salaries.

- After 10 movies they’ve run out of plots… so this new one will be about a guy who’s in a bad mood because he’s on a diet and sick of drinking canned shakes… It’s called “SlimFast & Furious”.

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A Florida woman is facing felony charges for allegedly hitting her husband with a belt after she came home and found him watching adult videos on his cell phone.

- Apparently he misunderstood when she left their daughters home and told him to “Watch the girls” while she ran some errands.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Despite the White House saying that President Biden came up with his new nickname for former President Trump - “Ultra Maga” - himself… it turns out the term was coined by a Liberal Think Tank after 6 months of research.

- And I thought “Ultra Maga” was a new laundry detergent.

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This morning, McDonald’s announced that they will sell all 850 of their Russian locations and will leave Russia PERMANENTLY because of the war in Ukraine.

- Luckily, fast food fans over there can still go to Burger King because as their jingle says, “Hold the Pickle, Hold the Lettuce… INVASION Orders Don’t Upset Us!”

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A secret recording of a Russian oligarch with ties to the Kremlin seems to confirm rumors that Vladimir Putin is “Very sick”.

- Hey… tell us something we don’t already know.

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Taco Bell is making a musical about their discontinued Mexican Pizza.

- I believe there’s already a musical about this called… “Grease”.

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Seattle bus drivers say they’re now in danger due to second-hand fentanyl fumes spread by addicts who openly buy and smoke the deadly drug on public transportation.

- Sing with me! “The Drug Deals on the Bus Go Round and Round… Round and Round… Round and Round!”

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Jen Psaki carried out her last White House press briefing on Friday, fighting to hold back tears at the end of a 16 month stint that saw her hold 224 briefings.

- As Jen always said when she couldn’t come up with an answer to a question from the press… quote, “I’ll Circle back for more on this story later in the week”… and so will I !!!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Researchers have found an Undersea Road that they think could be the gateway to the lost city of Atlantis.

- But we won’t know for a while as there are orange construction barrels blocking the exits a sign saying: Road closed until 2027.

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A Florida lawmaker is moving to strip Disney of its Mickey Mouse copyright.

- Personally… I think we should take away the copyright that allows Disney to “strip” Donald Duck of his pants.

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Madonna has been mercilessly ridiculed online after releasing a bizarre collection of digital “artworks” including naked depictions of herself giving birth to trees.

- Madonna is 63… so I’m betting those trees have A LOT of rings on ‘em.

- I miss the younger, saner Madonna… you know, when she was dating Dennis Rodman.

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In an effort to. increase diversity, the makers of Barbie have unveiled an inclusive range of dolls - including one with hearing aids.

- If they want to make Barbie appeal to Seniors… they should introduce “Bladder Leak Barbie”.

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Kate Middleton revealed that her and Prince William’s four-year-old son Louis’s favorite Superhero is Spiderman.

- What are the chances?? Spiderman is MY favorite Superhero too!!!

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More than 20% of Americans say they met their future spouse while traveling.

- And those were just the basketball players.

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Prosecutors say Boxing Champion Mike Tyson won't face charges for punching a fellow passenger on a commercial flight.

- Needless to say, that was music to Mike’s ears.

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Happy Birthday to Burt Bacharach who is 94 today! We note his birthday because… “That's What Friends Are For”!!! Burt says he stays active but admits each night he “Says a Little Prayer” that he wakes up the next morning!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Joe Biden’s sister Valerie, the one we mentioned yesterday who said Joe’s “Gaffes” are just him “Speaking the truth”, also said she thinks Meghan Markle would make a great President… after Joe finishes his 2nd term.

-I can see the bumper stickers now… “Sparkle with Markle!”

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A new survey shows 1 in 10 people say Pina Coladas count as fruit.

- I’m bettin’ these are the same people who say the little umbrella comes in handy when it rains.

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A community in northern Louisiana has deployed Drones to combat out-of-control mosquito populations.

- Why didn’t they just send in the S.W.A.T. team? (Ba da boom!)

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A Texas man is on the run after being caught on home surveillance video allegedly burglarizing a residence and running from police, but not before he mowed the victim’s back and front yards.

- This is what this country needs more of… Criminals with a work ethic!

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On Saturday, the Taliban Government in Afghanistan issued a new decree ordering women to wear burkas and other clothing in public that covers everything but their eyes.

- There are even rumors that they’re going to ban TV shows that feature modern technology… like, say… “The Flintstones”.

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Ten nurses and one OB-GYN at Liberty Hospital in Liberty, Missouri are all pregnant at the same time… with two of them even due on the same day.

- Apparently there’s a lot of pushin’ and shovin’ going on at that hospital.

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On this day in 1811… Siamese twins Chang and Eng were born.

- Ironically, their parents said the brothers “Weren’t that close” growing up.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

President Biden’s little sister - who works on his campaign - says that her brother’s frequent “Gaffes” aren’t signs of mental decline - but instead, “His gaffes are truths. He speaks the truth”.

- So - as he has said a number of times… Kamala Harris IS the President of the United States.

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BREAKING NEWS this morning… Tom Brady will join Fox Sports as Its Lead NFL Analyst After He Finally Retires!

- Then again… I’m not sure if it’s real. I don’t know if it came from Fox Sports….. or Joe Biden’s sister.

*****

35 year old Ian Goodfellow, an Artificial Intelligence expert at Apple quit his $800,000 a year job over Apple’s new policy that employees must work from the office 3 DAYS A WEEK saying he wanted “more flexibility”.

- Hey Ian… You want “flexibility”?? Buy a Thigh Master. You wanna make the big bucks? Take the office gig.

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A new study out of the University of Bath found that avoiding social media for just ONE WEEK significantly improves a person’s well-being and also lowers levels of both anxiety and depression.

- With the exception of the time you spend reading THIS blog, of course!

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A resurfaced clip from the American Film Institute reveals that “Star Wars” director George Lucas paid actor James Earl Jones only $7,000 to voice Darth Vader in the first-ever “Star Wars” film.

- Well this explains the OTHER clip they found where Darth Vader says “Luke… I need a Lawyer”.

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The study also found that despite stereotypes, Older adults are NO MORE LIKELY than their Younger counterparts to believe misinformation they come across online.

- Of course that might be because 80% of Older adults can’t figure out how to GET online in the first place.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Don’t know if you watched the Kentucky Derby Saturday but it was SPECTACULAR!!! With 80 to 1 odds against him winning, Rich Strike was in the 17th position at the final turn. The rest… as they say… is History! Watch and enjoy!

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I hope you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend! I called my girls to say “Happy Mother’s Day”… and they reminded me of the song by Doug Setterberg & Stan Boreson that I used to play on the air every year… “If It Wasn’t For Your Father Would Your Mother Be Your Mother? So Remember Dad on Mothers Day!” So Happy belated Mother’s Day to all you Moms… and DADS… out there!!!

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Speaking of which… Rumors are swirling that VLAD is going to be a DAD again! Russian Media is reporting that 69 year old Vladimir Putin’s 38 year old girlfriend - and mother of two of his children - is PREGNANT!

- Apparently Ukraine isn’t the only thing Vlad’s been invading lately.

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Kim Kardashian said she got a pair of hand-decorated sweatpants from her four kids North, Saint, Chicago, & Psalm for Mother’s Day.

- The kids said at first they had trouble finding pants in her size… but ended up locating a pair at Big Lots.

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“Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” brought in $90 MILLION on its first day making it the biggest movie opening of 2022.

- I managed to see “Doctors Strange in the Multiverse of Madness” without even leaving my house! I just watched the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Trial on TV.

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Willie Nelson canceled a performance at the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage festival after a member of his band tested positive for COVID.

- If Willie cancelled his concerts every time someone in his band tested postiive for SOMETHING… he wouldn’t have performed on stage since 1962.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick