Mike Myers hints that a 4th Austin Powers movie may be in the works saying, “I can neither confirm nor deny the existence or non-existence of such a project”.

- With a line like that he should take over for Jen Psaki when she soon leaves her job as WH Spokesperson to become a cable news host. (True!)

*****

This week a woman in Florida celebrated her 100th birthday by going skydiving.

- Most skydivers say the hardest part is the landing. But like most 100 year olds… this lady said the hardest part was getting up AFTER the landing.

*****

Security has been beefed up around the residences of the 6 Conservative SC Justices after some Liberal Groups published the Justice’s home addresses and called for protestors to “Rise up to force accountability using a diversity of tactics."

- Gosh, that almost sounds like they’re calling for an INSURRECTION.

*****

A Virgin Airlines flight from London to New York was forced to head back to England after the Captain realized the Co-Pilot was a trainee who hadn’t completed his training.

- Did he not see the “Please Be Patient… Student Pilot at the Wheel” Bumper Sticker on the back of the plane?

*****

NASA is attempting to communicate with aliens by sending pictures of Naked Humans into space.

- Nice to see Anthony Weiner’s pics (aka “Carlos Danger”) will now be enjoyed by an Intergalactic audience.

*****

A New Jersey man who worked as a driver for a morgue was caught stealing credit cards and prescription pills from the dearly departed.

- Why? It’s not like the pills WORKED. The people all died.

*****

NOTE: IMMEDIATE JOB OPENING!!!

A remote post office in Antarctica is looking for mail carriers… whose duties include counting Penguins.

- Sounds like a Dream Job… But does EVERYTHING have to become a Black and White issue??

*****

An Oklahoma Couple was married in an impromptu wedding aboard a Southwest flight.

- The Co-Pilot even walked the Bride down the aisle! Well… he walked BEHIND her as they had to go single file.

- Of course it took 45 minutes because the flight attendants were in the middle of the beverage service.

- And in keeping with the times, instead of Rice… everyone on the Plane threw Punches.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s May 4th… The day Star Wars Fans Everywhere celebrate as “May the Fourth be With You”!

- It’s extra special this year, because now we know that Hans Solo can have babies… and sometimes Princess Leia has a Light Saber!

*****

An NFL investigation has found no evidence that the Cleveland Browns deliberately lost games during previous season.

- Notice they don’t even BOTHER investigating the Lions.

*****

With the controversy over the leak of the Supreme Court draft opinion Amazon has announced it will reimburse employees up to $4,000 for the cost of traveling to get an abortion.

- Whatever happened to their famous “Prime Delivery”??

*****

According to researchers from the University of Florida, the inability to distinguish fake news from reality can lead to declines in physical and emotional health as well as financial well-being.

- Then again, that could be fake news.

*****

Police in Nebraska got a call about an intruder who had broken into a family’s home, but when they arrived, they discovered the “Suspect” was the families robotic “Roomba” vacuum moving around upstairs.

- The cops marked it down as a Robbery since the Roomba really cleaned ‘em out.

- Good luck dusting for prints.

*****

Last night, British TV aired a show about a man who - after his Penis fell off due to a blood infection - had a new one attached to his ARM for SIX YEARS - before Doctors could finally surgically attach it in the proper place.

- The bad news was he had a hard time putting on his shirt… the good news was he didn’t have to unzip his pants when he went to the mens room.

- Another plus? He didn’t have to bother going to the gym to “Pump Up” anymore!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Supreme Court has been rocked by a massive breach of protocol - with an alleged draft of an opinion that would overturn Roe v. Wade leaked to the Press months ahead of time.

- There hasn’t been this much uproar over a leak since the Red Wings fired their Zamboni driver, Al Sobotka.

*****

At last night’s “Met Gala” - aka the most prestigious night in fashion - Kim Kardashian briefly wore the $5 MILLION gown originally worn by Marilyn Monroe when she sang Happy Birthday to President John F. Kennedy in 1962.

- Things have changed… Back then, there were RUMORS that Marilyn was sleeping with JFK. Now there are VIDEOS of Kim sleeping with just about EVERYBODY.

- Kim says she had to drop 16 pounds to fit into the famous dress… which comes out to 8 pounds per cheek!

*****

A former Astronaut says a company called Bioharvest is working on plans to grow Cannabis in orbit.

- He say’s it will be “A Small Step for Man… and a Giant Toke for Mankind”.

- I can hear it now… “Houston, we have the munchies”

*****

With the recent death of 119 year old Kane Tanaka of Japan, the world’s “Newest” “Oldest Living Person” is now a 118-year-old Nun from France who says she enjoys chocolate, has a glass of wine everyday and is “Open to retirement”.

- Question: What do you do when you RETIRE as a NUN?? Pray less??

*****

A new survey about Mother’s Day found that the average person would spend about $300 on a gift for the special day to show moms their appreciation.

- So get ready Mom… Come Sunday, you’re gonna be treated to a gallon of gas and a loaf of bread!

*****

A new study from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology claims to have found the best way to twist open an Oreo so that you keep cream on both sides.

- If you’re one of the lucky parents who scrimped and saved the $57,590 it cost to send your kid to MIT PER YEAR, may I be one of the first to say… Congrats! Money well spent!

*****

Happy Birthday to Frankie Valli whose 88 today!

- He may be an Octogenarian, but Frankie still walks like a man… and sings like a Woman.

*****

We took the day off yesterday and did get to mention it… but wanted to say RIP… Naomi Judd who lost her battle with Depression at the age of 76.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A study out of Finland found that active children are more likely to drink and smoke during adulthood.

- Especially those who actively drink and smoke as children.

*****

In reaction to those claiming his buying Twitter is a “Threat to Democracy”, Elon Musk jokingly tweeted “Next I’m buying Coke so I can put the Cocaine back in”.

- Could we add TAB to his tab??? It’s not like he doesn’t have the money!

*****

Newly released documents show that “Major” Biden, the German Shepherd who once lived at the White House bit secret service agents on eight-consecutive days before being shipped off to live with friends of the Biden’s in Delaware.

- If only it was that easy to re-home Hunter.

*****

A Turkish restaurant owner tried to celebrate the 61st anniversary of human space flight by sending a Kebab into space, attached to a helium balloon.

- “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s Super Shawarma!”, that according to the restaurant owner, a Mr. Bob Kebab.

*****

Taco Bell is releasing a luggage collection inspired by its food and hot sauces that come with “Mild”, “Hot” and “Fire” luggage tags.

- The suitcases are cheap, fill up quickly and are easy to “lose”.

- And what could make you more popular on a crowded plane that a carry on that announces your passion for Double Bean Burritos??

*****

I found an articles on the web yesterday that said when when women were asked to stop wearing corsets and girdles during World War I… enough steel was saved to build one entire battleship for the war effort.

- It was known as the “Big Buns for Big Guns” Program.

*****

Tinder is launching a new product to help users hookup with each other at music festivals.

- They had something like that at Pine Knob back in the 70’s… but it was called “Beer”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Netflix has released the first trailer for it’s live action “Barbie” movie set to be released in the Summer of 2023.

- In keeping with today’s values, the movie opens with Barbie (they/them) hosting a baby shower at her Malibu Dream “Smart-Home” for Ken who is Pregnant with GI Joe’s Baby!

- Meanwhile, Midge is in court suing Flash Gordon for Indecent Exposure.

*****

Kane Tanaka, the world's oldest person, has died in Japan at the age of 119. No cause of death was given.

- REALLY??? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess…. maybe… um… Old Age???

*****

Some members of the British Parliament have launched a probe into claims that a senior MP was caught watching PORN on his phone in the House Of Commons by a female member of Parliament.

- The movie in question: “Debbie Does Downing Street”.

*****

The administration announced plans to phase out incandescent “Edison” lightbulbs and replace them with LED lights by 2023.

- At this point, I think most Americans are just glad to know there are ANY bulbs burning at the White House at all.

*****

Kim Kardashian has once again been accused of photoshopping a picture she posted to Instagram - this time she’s has a perfectly flat stomach but no belly button.

- Hey… some people have an Innie. Some people have an Outie. From the pictures she posts of her backside, I’d say Kim’s definetely got an Outie.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Yesterday… Twitter approved Elon Musk’s offer to buy the Social Media platform which he has vowed to return to a haven for “Free Speech” for $44 BILLION.

- As one of the first to comment as a “Free Speecher” Elizabeth Warren said, “Wow… That’s a lotta Wampum!”

*****

A new study finds that one in six Wordle players - the new game where you have to figure out a single 5 letter word - compete while sitting on the toilet.

- Which would explain why so many people start with the word “FLUSH”.

*****

According to a new book about the Royal Family, Prince William was a “holy terror” as a toddler who used to talk non-stop and say, “When I am King… I will have you punished!”

- Hey… It could of been worse. They say when Henry the VIII was a kid… he could really talk people’s heads off!!!

*****

According to a recent study, scientists believe the Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaurs had such SHORT ARMS to protect them from getting bitten off during feeding frenzies.

- This also explains why the T-Rex were known for never picking up the checks at Dinosaur Banquets.

*****

In an effort to lure customers who have less cash to spend on “extras”… Car Washes are offering ammenities like for example cooked-to-order Lamb Chops which you can eat while you and your car are going through the car wash.

- It’s a good thing they didn’t have Car washes back when T Rex’s roamed the earth. With those short arms, they NEVER would have been able to reach the machine that takes your credit card!

*****

Happy Birthday to Carol Burnett who is 89 today!

Speaking of that…

I’m so glad we’ve had this time together… Just to have a laugh and sing a song

Seems we just get started and before you know it…. Comes the time we have to say so long! So… so long!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s National Plumber’s Day! So this would be a good day to call your plumber and tell him you made him a cake to celebrate! Tell him he can stop by ANTYTIME today between 8 and 10… Tomorrow from Noon to 3… or Thursday from 1 to 5 to pick it up!

*****

Going under the knife for a nose job is becoming less popular as people turn to “non-surgical alternatives” to change the appearance of their schnoz - although they didn’t mention what those “alternatives” are.

- Here’s an idea…. Get on an airplane, then talk incessantly and throw bottles of water at Mike Tyson until he’s so annoyed he’ll rearrange your face for free!

*****

The famous painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware River that hung in the White House for 40 years is being auctioned off this week and is expected to sell for $20 MILLION.

- And for an extra 50 GRAND, you can get a painting of Joe Biden crossing INTO DELAWARD on an Amtrak Train painted by Hunter Biden.

*****

The University of Waterloo in Canada has announced an opening for a tenure track position… but it’s only available to qualified individuals who “Self-identify as Women, Transgender, Non-Binary or Two-Spirit."

- Two-Spirit?? Is that someone who likes Vodka AND Gin in their Martinis??

*****

Apple is taking a lot of heat for it’s new “Pregnant Man” emoji… which came out last week and features Pregnant men in 5 different skin tones.

- So men CAN have babies!!!!!!!

- NOTE TO SELF: Send all my pregnant guy friends a congrats Text! And make sure it’s got the RIGHT colored emoji.

*****

On Friday, in response to Disney’s “Woke” policies, Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a bill dissolving the special tax status they had in Florida.

- It you thought the HATTER was MAD before… you should see him now!!

*****

And Happy Belated Birthday to #4 Daughter JoAnne!!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to the Queen! Not the “Dairy” Queen… Elizabeth! Who is 96 today!

It’s been quite a year for her. Let’s see… She lost her husband, Phillip. Andrew is embroiled in a major sex scandal. William and Harry aren’t talking. Charles and Harry don’t get along. Meghan continues to be… well… MEGHAN. About the best thing that’s happened to the Queen this year is… She got Covid!

*****

GORILLAS IN THE NEWS…

Another Birthday… The world's oldest gorilla, “Fatou” celebrated her 65th Birthday at the Berlin Zoo in Germany when the Zookeepers serenaded her with her favorite old-time song…

- … “Gorilla My Dreams… We love You… Honest we do!”

*****

A gorilla in Chicago is being forced to cut back on screentime after developing a smartphone addiction.

- Apparently he was spending all his time looking at pictures of female gorillas in bikinis on “Chimpsta-Gram”.

*****

80-year-old Bernie Sanders says he has not ruled out running for President in 2024 if Prez Biden decides not to run again.

- Run?? By that time he’ll be lucky if he can WALK.

- No offense to Joe… but maybe it’s time to move on and give the Youngsters a chance.

- When Kennedy was President… he put a Swimming Pool in the White House. For Joe and Bernie… they’ve installed Walk-In Bathtubs.

*****

A video of a senior citizen twerking contest - the dance where they shake their butt in the air - has gone viral.

- Well they THOUGHT it was a “Twerking” contest. Turns out it was just two Seniors who forgot to take their anti-seizure medications.

*****

Mike Tyson allegedly punched a man repeatedly in the face while they were waiting for their JetBlue flight to take off for Florida last night.

- Apparently Mike was irritate because the guy was talking his ear off. (Bada Boom!)

*****

A teacher in Texas has lost his job and faces jail time after he was caught watching an X-rated film when it was accidentally projected onto a big screen in front of the class.

- The most controversial film we ever watched in school was, “What Are Those Bumps in Jenny’s Sweater?”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Prince Harry told People Magazine that he and Meghan’s 2 year old son Archie is in “Why” mode and walks around questioning everything like all two year olds.

- You know, like “Why is the sky blue??”… “Why can’t I have a cookie??”… “Why is Mommy so mean to Grandma??”

*****

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin criticized the decision to lift mask mandates on airplanes.

- This from the man who doesn’t believe in wearing PANTS on Zoom Calls.

*****

The flight attendants of Spirit Airlines are picketing all around the country to protest their poor working conditions.

- Apparently they can no longer fit their Emotional Baggage in the Overhead Bins… so they’re takin’ it on the road instead.

*****

A new report claims that babies who were born during COVID talk less than people born during non-health emergencies.

- Which begs the question…. Why were none of the Ladies on “The View” born during a Pandemic??

*****

A new survey of 2,000 candy lovers finds that a person’s preference for certain sweets may say a lot about their personality and lifestyle choices.

- For instance, people who like “Payday” Candy Bars are Career-Focused… Class-Clown types like “Snickers”… and guys with an upcoming Prostate exam tend to like “Butterfingers”.

*****

Researchers in Japan have developed Electric Chopsticks that can add sodium to your food.

- This is perfect timing for me because it’s been costing me a fortune to fill up my GAS POWERED sodium dispensing Chopsticks at the pump lately.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

After a federal judge in Florida struck down a national mask mandate on airplanes and mass transit Monday… Delta, American, United, Southwest, Alaska Airlines and JetBlue are no longer requiring masks.

- Yay!!!!! Now… If they would just PERMANENTLY take out the middle seats… We’d be all set!

Meanwhile, Amtrak and Uber also announced that they’re ditching their mask requirements.

So…. that mean we’ve covered all three forms of transportation. Which also happens to make up the name of one of my favorite movies of all time… “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”!

*****

According to Customs and Border Protection data, the Border Patrol apprehended at least 23 people coming across the southern border in 2021 whose names are on the Terror Watchlist.

- On a bright note… if any other Bad guys snuck through, they can always call the Feds and turn themselves in on that free phone the Government gave ‘em!

*****

According to a new poll of 2,000 dog owners, 45% believe their dog is in better shape than they are.

- Well they should be! People pay good money to hire other people to take their dogs on walks!

*****

A new poll finds that 58% of adults in the UK believe that their life choices will send them to hell.

- And 99% of people in Britain think Prince Harry’s romantic choices already have him living there.

*****

Parents in Austin Texas are upset after someone dressed as the Easter Bunny gave away condoms to children at an Elementary school there.

- Police have asked the unidentified Bunny to come forward and identify themself… but so far, they haven’t heard a peep.

*****

According to a new survey of people who had flings while on Vacation, Scots have been voted the “World’s Best Lovers”.

- Well, yeah… Do ya think the fact that EVERYBODY’s wearing a Skirt has something to do with it??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A Florida woman is accused of attacking her father after he opened an Amazon package addressed to her and found a sex toy inside. Police have charged her with Assault and Battery.

- Specifically… Assault and Two AA Batteries.

*****

Jennifer Lopez told the NY Post that she was completely naked in a bubble bath when Ben Affleck proposed.

- O…… M…… G…… !!!!!!! That’s EXACTLY what I was doing when I got engaged!!! What are the chances of THAT??

*****

Speaking of the Royals… Rumor has it Harry and Meghan are shopping for an apartment near the United Nations building in New York City.

- Which is PERFECT! Because if anyone knows about building relationships with leaders of foreign countries… it’s Meghan Markle!

*****

Julian Lennon sang his father John Lennon's "Imagine" for the first time ever during a fundraiser for Ukraine.

- And in an effort to get Putin to call-off the war, the Ukrainians pointed their phones towards Russia and blasted a “Yoko Ono’s Greatest Hit’s” marathon.

*****

The Cracker Jack brand is introducing a female focused line of snack packs called "Cracker Jill."

It’s just like the Original Cracker Jack… But when you get to the bottom, there are no nuts and no prize.

*****

An Irish woman says she was hospitalized with a burst appendix after holding in her “wind” around her boyfriend for two years.

- And we thought WE were paying a high price for Gas…

- I think I saw a movie about this once - starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton… “Something’s Gotta Give”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s “Thomas Jefferson Day”! For most of us, it’s the day we celebrate one of the greatest minds in American History… the man who wrote the Declaration of Independence. And for those suffering from “Wokeness”… it’s another great day to tear down a statue.

*****

Authorities in Spain are investigating a business man who was found in possession of a 1,000-piece black-market Taxidermy collection.

- For those of you who don’t know what “Taxidermy” is… It’s when you take a taxi to an appointment with your dermatologist.

*****

While he was giving a speech on Infrastructure in Iowa yesterday, a bird pooped on President Biden’s suit coat.

- Well, as they say, S*** happens.

*****

At a rally in North Carolina, Donald Trump suggested that he is “Perhaps the most honest human being” ever created.

- NOTE FROM JACKIE: Obviously “The Donald” has never met my ex-husband.

*****

Sweden will reportedly apply for NATO membership today in a move set to infuriate Vladimir Putin by expanding the US-backed security alliance's presence on Russia's borders.

- Vlad’s already mad at Sweden because he can’t figure out how to put together a bunch of tanks he bought at IKEA.

*****

RIP… Gilbert Gottfried… rough-voiced Comedian, “Aladdin” star, and one time voice of the AFFLAC Duck has died after a long battle with a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy at 67.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Economic numbers released this morning show that Inflation ballooned by 8.5% in March, the fastest rise since January 1982.

- That’s the fastest inflation since Pamela Anderson got her first boob job.

*****

On Monday’s episode of “The View”, Joy Behar announced that - because she’s off filming a movie - Whoopi Goldberg will be “Missing” from the show for a while.

- It’s an Easter MIRACLE!!!

- Hey… why don’t put our heads together and write a movie script that JOY can be in… so she’ll be “Missing from the show for a while too! Say a remake of “The Taming of the Shrew”?? Just a suggestion…

*****

According to a new survey, 7 in 10 Dog owners claim they can read their furry companion’s minds.

- I don’t mean to be a naysayer, but you don’t have to be “The Amazing Kreskin” to figure out that incessant barking and clawing at the backdoor means “I have to pee”.

*****

The study also found that most dog owners believe they know their pets so well that a majority consider calling their canines “Mini-Me”.

- And if you’ve a man whose lost a lot of hair and your wife has started calling you “Mr. Bigglesworth”… it’s probably because she thinks you look like Dr. Evil’s hairless cat.

*****

New research found that mushrooms can communicate to each other using WORDS.

- Turns out mushrooms even SWEAR… with their favorite expletive being “Shiitake”.

*****

Kim Kardashian says that her soon-to-be-ex-husband Kanye West wanted to give up his singing career to become…. her full time Fashion Stylist.

- You know what they say, “Behind every great woman… is a great behind”. That has nothing to do with the story… it’s just what they say.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It’s National Pet Day! So if petting is your thing… today is perfect for some Heavy Petting!

*****

A new study claims that fish can add.

- See kids? That’s what happens when you stay in School.

*****

According to a new study… more people are swearing at work. While in 2020 - a majority of people on Zoom calls talked about “Gratitude”… now more are swearing and dropping F-bombs.

- It’s about damn time!

- Hey… you gotta hand it to people. At least they haven’t gone “Full Jeffrey Toobin”…. Yet.

*****

The US Postal Service has suspended services in a neighborhood in Santa Monica, California because of repeated human attacks on mail carriers.

- Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan should make a movie about it called… “You Don’t Have Mail”.

*****

Newly revealed texts show that Hunter Biden frequently covered expenses for his parents, Joe and Jill Biden.

- Apparently he put Joe and Jill on his insurance plan because he had better Prescription Drug Coverage.

****

Jussie Smolett has released a new song proclaiming his innocence. (TRUE!!!)

- I don’t know what it’s called, but it should be a remake of Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”.

- Or maybe Jussie could put his own spin on Frank Sinatra’s classic… “I Swear I Was Attacked By Two Strangers In The Night”. (“Do be do be do…” or as Jussie would say, “Do ME do ME do…”)

FYI… On this day in 1966 Sinatra did record “Strangers In the Night”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Burrito Day!” It also happens to be “National Making the First Move Day”… If you celebrate both… The first move you’ll be making is towards the bathroom.

*****

Paleontologists have found the fossilized leg of a dinosaur in North Dakota they say was killed when an Asteroid hit the Earth 66 MILLION YEARS AGO… wiping out the Dinosaur population.

- They know it was from that time, because they also found a fossilized cup of coffee and a newspaper with the Headline: “Lions Lose to Triceratops Late in 4th Quarter”.

*****

China warned it would take “Strong measures” that would severely impact US-Chinese relations if Nancy Pelosi follows through with a trip to Taiwan reportedly planned for next week.

- Apparently Nancy found a new salon in Taiwan that does a “Cut, Color, Mani & Pedi Combo” with a free Egg Roll & Bottomless Saki!

And speaking of Saki… WH Spokesperson Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House to host a TV Show. .

- It’ll be a game show called “To Tell The Truth”.

*****

Skippy has recalled 161,000 pounds of peanut butter over concern some jars could contain small pieces of stainless steel.

- Apparently, the Peanut Butter and Shrapnel Sandwiches didn’t go over as well as they’d hoped.

*****

Airbus has announced the world’s largest passenger airplane has completed a test flight powered by cooking oil.

- The flight was operated by SouthWesson.

- For the the health conscious, they are planning flights to Italy run on Olive Oil.

- For those looking for an even healthier way to fly, there’s a “Frequent Air Fryer-Flyer Program”.

*****

A new study shows that feeding Hemp to Cows helps them relax.

- Udderly.

- Question: If a Cow is kind of stressed and kind of relaxed… will it give Half and Half? (Bada Boom!)

*****

Disney has named a former Hillary Clinton campaign official to be its top spokesperson.

- Rumor has it… the official is actually Bill… whose first suggestion was to install a Hooter’s restaurant inside Disney’s “Hall of Presidents”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

According to new research, 47% of Americans don’t know the names of all four of their Grandparents.

- Are you kidding me?? It’s Grandpa, Grandma, Grandpa & Grandma. How hard is that??

*****

Veterinary Scientists believe that the muscles in dogs faces have evolved over the years to let them communicate their feelings more effectively to their owners - and that they’ve even developed “Puppy Dog Eyes” specifically to manipulate human emotions.

- Oh yeah? If dogs are so smart, how come they still chase their tails and drag their butts across the carpet??

*****

A Middle School teacher in Texas was fired for “torturning” her students by blasting a video of a high-pitched dog whistle for 40 minutes to punish her students for some unnamed infraction.

- On a bright note… At least she didn’t have sex with any of her students… As far as we know!!

*****

The Pentagon has released a previously classified document describing effects reportedly suffered by victims of “Alien Abductions” over the years including “Burns, paralysis, pain, rashes, amnesia, time-lapses, and sexual encounters”.

- They say the “Burn’s, paralysis, pain, rashes, amnesia and time-lapses” are eerily similar to the list of effects reportedly suffered by people who had “Sexual Encounters with Madonna”.

*****

Meghan Markle is attempting to trademark the word “Archetypes” - which first appeared in the English language 470 years ago - after deciding to use it for the title of her new podcast on Spotify.

- I think there are some words that have been around even longer than that, that the Queen might wanna Trademark to use when she talks about Meghan.

*****

President Biden has nominated Coast Guard Admiral Linda Fagan to be the first Woman in Charge of a branch of the US Military.

- Oh…. So NOW they know what a WOMAN is???

*****

RIP…. Bobby Rydell, the teen idol from the ’60s known for songs like “Wild One” & “Volare” and his role as Hugo Peabody in the 1963 movie “Bye Bye Birdie,” has died from complications of pneumonia at 79.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

We all know someone who doesn’t like to be without their cell phone… but did you know there’s an actual name for it? “Nomophobia” is described as “The fear of being without a mobile device”.

- I don’t mind being without my smart phone… but I’ll admit I’ve still got a touch of “Flipophobia” - the fear of being without my trusty Flip Phone that I finally had to get rid of when I went swimming with it in my bathing suit pocket. (NOTE: If you want to amaze people and tell them that you can talk underwater - just have them close their eyes, keep your head ABOVE water, put your index finger up to your lips, hum and go “bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb” while flapping your finger up and down on your lips. Your welcome.)

*****

Whoopi Goldberg says Will Smith’s career shouldn’t be affected by what he did to Chris Rock at the Oscars and that there is “absolutely a path back for him”.

- And if he doesn’t get any dramatic movies… he can always go for Slap-Stick roles.

*****

Joe and Jill Biden will host a wedding celebration at the White House for their granddaugher Naomi - daughter of Hunter - when she gets married next November.

- Joe and Jill will provide the alcohol… and Hunter will bring the Pepsi and Coke.

*****

Hilaria Baldwin penned a lengthy tribute to her husband Alec in honor of his 64th birthday on Sunday telling him to “Dial down the negative” and “Live life…. despite having suffered incredible pain”.

- Not as much pain as the woman he shot… but still, a lot of pain.

*****

Former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin announced that she's running for Congress in Alaska.

- They should make her Ambassador to Moscow so she can keep her eye on Putin… because, you know… she can see Russia from her house!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

RIP… Estelle Harris who played George Costanza's mother on “Seinfeld” died Saturday at the age of 94. One of my favorite Seinfeld scenes is where she’s in the hospital and asks George to go to the cafeteria to get her something to eat. George reaches in his pocket and says… “Here Ma, have some TicTacs!”… because he wants to watch a woman behind a curtain get a Sponge Bath. It’s in my Top 10… No Contest!

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The 64th Grammy's - Music’s biggest night - went off without a hitch in Vegas last night.

- There were lots of Hits…. but zero Slaps.

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President Biden accidentally referred to his wife Jill Biden as Barack Obama's VICE PRESIDENT during a speech on Saturday… which was immediately corrected by the White House.

- Do you think maybe JILL would take Kamala’s place and go down to the Southern Border if Joe asked her……. nicely?

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According to a new survey, Americans are so uncomfortable with their financial situation, they’d rather watch a scary movie (30%), speak in front of a large audience (27%) or sit in two hours of traffic (28%) then even THINK about finances.

- And you can take that to the bank!

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A spokesman for the Secret Service told ABC News that the Feds are shelling out $30,000 a month to rent a Spanish-style estate in Malibu -with six bedrooms, six baths, a spiral staircase, a pool and a spa - all so they can “protect” Hunter Biden and his family who live next door.

- And you don’t even want to know HOW MUCH they’ve spent on Hunter’s Artwork.

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A 60 year old man in Germany got NINETY COVID VACCINATION SHOTS in order to sell forged vaccination cards - with real vaccine batch numbers - to people who didn’t want to get the jab themselves.

- The man is said to have suffered no bad effects from the shot…. and Dr. Fauci says it’s not to early for him to consider getting a Booster!

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NBC is being criticized for airbrushing photos of transgender swimmer Lia Thomas to make the former-Him-now-allegedly-Her appear more feminine.

- I get the impulse… but if they wan’t it to work, they shouldn’t have hired Bea Arthur’s Make-up Artist.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Palace insiders say Harry and Meghan looked “Petulant and Rude” for skipping Prince Phillip’s Memorial Service this week and that they “Missed an opportunity” to “Build Bridges”, and ultimately further upset the Queen.

- So it’s true!!! London Bridge HAS fallen down. Fallen down. Fallen down. London Bridge HAS Fallen Down… My POOR Lady!!!

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The Hollywood Film Academy said that they asked Will Smith to leave the auditorium after he rushed the stage and slapped Chris Rock during Sunday night’s Oscars, but “He refused”… so they let him stay and gave him the “Best Actor” Oscar.

- Of course they did! That’s what I always did with my daughters. “You are not allowed to fight your sister! You’re going in a Time-Out”. They’d say, “No I’m Not!” And I’d say… “Oh…Okay!!!! … Here’s a new bike!”

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Jim Carrey called out the stars in the audience who gave Will Smith a standing ovation when he won his “Best Actor” statue less than an hour after slapping Chris Rock.

- Pretty smart for a guy who stared in “Dumb & Dumber”.

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Actress Zendaya revealed that she did her own makeup for the Oscars.

- She wasn’t the only one. Will Smith did the same thing. He slapped on some foundation too…. on Chris Rock.

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Scientists in Switzerland have developed plant-based steaks from pea protein that accurately imitates the marbling of real steak by making “streaks of white fat” out of an “oil in water emulsion”.

- My mouth is watering after hearing this! But I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gonna throw up…

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A Florida man was arrested for drug possession after police found him trapped inside a Porta-Potty.

- I think he’s more than paid his debt to society. If anything screams “Cruel & Unusual Punishment” it’s an hour trapped inside a Porta Potty.

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Good news! New research found that eating two or more servings of Avocado a week can cut the risk of heart disease by 20%.

- So now we finally know the answer to the age old question “How are things in Guacamole?” - uh, “Glocamorra”!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Professor of History at Temple University who specializes in “Ufology” (The study of UFO’s) claims Aliens are currently abducting humans and using mind control techniques to integrate themselves into Earth’s societies in preparation for an impending invasion.

-So if the Ukrainian thing doesn’t work out for Putin… he can always form an alliance with the Aliens.

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Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria announced that although they thought their family was complete with six kids… She’s pregnant with the couples 7th!!!

- Wait… I thought Alec was her 7th child??

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74 year old O.J. Simpson tweeted that Will Smith was “Wrong” for slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars… but that he “Understood the feeling” - having “Wanted to ‘B**ch slap the comedians” who made fun of him during his murder trial.

- But he didn’t do it, cuz as his attorney would say, “Even if you Snap… You must not Slap!!!”

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Disney's Diversity and Inclusion Chief said that theme park visitors are no longer addressed as “Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls” but are welcomed instead as “Dreamers and Friends”.

- Okay…. But how do we know which bathroom to use??? Are we “Dreamers” or “Friends”??

- I don’t mean to be a Dumbo here… but come on!

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The NFL says that every team must have a Minority Offensive Coach this season.

- They got the idea from the Lions… who at 3-13-1 this season - have a history of Offensive Coaching decisions.

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87 years after it hit the Silver Screen, the Tin Man's Oil Can from “The Wizard of Oz” sold for $250,000 to an unnamed bidder at an auction in California.

- Do you realize for $250,000 that guy could have filled up his tank with 59,665 gallons of gas??

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick