The new issue of Vogue has First Lady Jill Biden on the cover… Vogue has also featured former First Lady Michelle Obama on it’s cover 3 times and Hillary Clinton once - but has never included Melania Trump.

- Hmmm… I wonder why that is? I guess they just don’t wanna have a former model on the cover of a modeling magazine.

*****

The Guinness Book of World Records has crowned a new “World’s Oldest Person”… 112-year-and-326-day- old Emilio Flores Marquez from Puerto Rico.

- TIP: Never answer the door if Guinness shows up to crown you “World’s Oldest Person”. If you do… you’re days are numbered.

*****

A musical based on Harvey Weinstein may be heading to Broadway.

- The show will either be called “Beauties and the Beast” or “Diddler on the Roof”.

*****

A Scientist says he’s learned to communicate with frogs.

- He says talking with Frogs has always been on his “Bucket List”… you know, things you want to do before you croak.

*****

A new study out of MSU found that 1 in 4 couples choose not to have children and that they’re just as happy as couples who do.

- And by “Happy” they mean better rested with a whole lot more money in the bank.

*****

According to new research, People who have the ability and skill to BS their way through a conversation may actually be more intelligent.

- If this is true… Dr. Fauci may just be THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD!!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

27 year old Kataluna Enriquez will be the first openly transgender woman to compete for the title of Miss USA after being crowned Miss Nevada on Sunday.

- Can’t you just hear Burt Parks singing… “Here HE is… Miss America!”

*****

Starting today, parents in Wisconsin can select a Gender-Neutral on Birth Certificates… So instead of automatically picking “Mother and Father”… they can choose “Parent-Parent”, "Parent Giving Birth” and “Parent Not Giving Birth”.

- They say a lot of women called for the change… and you know what they say, “If the Parent Giving Birth Ain’t Happy… Ain’t NOBODY Happy”.

- I don’t care what you call ‘em… When Push comes to Shove… Men aren’t going to be the ones doing the Pushing and Shoving.

*****

An Odor Psychologist at Macquarie University in Australia claims a new study proves that the more Meat you eat, the more attractive your body odor smells.

- Thus Elvis’s big hit… “Love Me Tenderloin”.

- Since this study came out of Australia… I’m thinking of testing this theory by turning my 4th of July BBQ into a “Kangaroo Cookout”.

- I never knew there were “Odor Psychologists”.

*****

College Admissions Scandal Alums Lori Loughlin and her husband - who both spent a few months in jail - were photographed frolicking together on a Mexican beach.

- Neither of them speaks Spanish, but before they went down, they paid someone to take a Berlitz course for themselves and rowing lessons for their daughter.

*****

Female Olympic Hammer Thrower Gwen Berry is taking heat for turning her back to the Flag when the National Anthem was played during her Medal ceremony at the Olympic trials.

- Hey Gwen… If you don’t like the USA, why don’t you go throw your Hammer for the Russians… It’ll go great with the Sickle on their Flag.

- The last thing we need right now is a Hammer-thrower with an attitude.

*****

I got a notification on my phone this morning reminding me to update my system to “IOS 14.6” - which will allow me to “Unlock iPhone with Apple Watch while Wearing a Facemask”.

- Huh?

- Call me old fashioned, but I don’t have an Apple Watch. The watch I do have only tells time and I only have to update it twice a year when we Spring Forward and Fall Back. THAT I know how to do. And I normally don’t wear a Facemask to do it.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Portland, Oregon is actually running TV commercials to try to get people to visit by showing it as a good time vacation destination.

- I can see the ads now… “Come to Portand this Summer… You’ll Have a Riot!”

*****

62 year old Madonna put on a surprise performance at NY’s Boom Boom Room over the weekend - wearing leather hot pants and a “Fishnet Bra” over her breasts.

- I’m no fashion designer… but don’t the Fish Nets usually go on the legs… And you put the Leather Bra on your Boom Booms??

- I’m betting it was a SUPPORT Fishnet Bra.

*****

New research out of Isreal found that being unhappy with your marriage, or even perceiving your marriage as bad is as detrimental to men’s health as a lack or exercise or smoking.

- No wonder Bill Clinton smokes cigars. He’s been living on borrowed time he married Hillary.

*****

An intelligence report sent to Congress last week has scientists considering the possibility that UFO's are real.

- On one recorded piece of communication, Aliens can be heard telling citizens not to be alarmed - they're only here to take Joy Behar back home.

*****

EMS workers in Japan rushed to save a woman reported to be floating in sea… only to find out it was actually a Sex Doll somebody had thrown off a boat.

- Paramedics gave her mouth to mouth and chest compressions for 10 minutes. And after realizing she was a sex doll… another hour and a half.

*****

North Korean state TV ran a clip of one of the country’s citizens saying that Kim Jong Un's “Emaciated condition” is “Breaking our people's hearts”.

- If Kim Jong Un is emaciated… I’m the Pope.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Scientists have identified 29 planets where they say Aliens could observe Earth and intercept radio broadcasts.

- They knew Aliens were listening when radio stations kept getting calls requesting tunes by “Jefferson Starship” and “Bill Haley and the Comets”.

*****

McDonald’s locations in California are offering COVID vaccines to their customers.

- So now you can get Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions and PFIZER on a Sesame Seed Bun!

*****

A recent study finds that consuming Caffeine even 6 hours before bed could ruin your sleep.

- Same thing goes for watching the News.

*****

A new study finds that the vast majority of people would donate a part of their liver to a family member in need.

- Unless your in the ROYAL Family… and the “Member in Need” is Meghan Markle.

*****

A Nebraska man has successfully landed after 60 skydives in just 24-hours… all while completely naked.

- There’s talk of Erecting a statue in his honor.

*****

Norwegian Public Television has released an online “Sex Guide” with descriptions and photographs of 60 different sex positions including “The Squeezing Koala”.

- I’m assuming that one’s from Australia… the Land Down Under.

*****

Russian Navy Vessels have put the Pentagon on alert after they practiced sinking an Aircraft Carrier - 35 miles off the coast of Pearl Harbor… as Russian forces carry out the largest war games since the Cold War.

- We knew it was the Russians instead of the Japanese this time, since instead of yelling “Tora! Tora! Tora!” they shouted “Vodka! Vodka! Vodka!”

- So I guess that little chat Prez Biden had with Vlad Putin last week was a little less “Productive” than the White House would have us believe.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Sharon Stone said she doesn’t understand why everyone thinks Meryl Streep is so great - and says there are lots of other actresses who are “just as talented”.

- I think they’re both great! Nobody can do an accent like Meryl… and nobody can take their pants off like Sharon.

*****

Yesterday, Governor Whitmer lifted all Pandemic restrictions in the State of Michigan - so we no longer have to Socially Distance and we can finally take off our Masks.

- Too bad Sharon Stone isn’t our Governor… We could also take off our PANTS!!

*****

Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria are hosting a new Podcast about… Mental Health.

- Are they the HOSTS… or the SUBJECTS??

*****

Sesame Street" is celebrating Pride Month by introducing a new family to the show - Gay Dad’s Frank and Dave. It’s the first time the show has featured a Same-Sex couple.

- Although to be honest, I think we’ve all wondered about Bert and Ernie.

- And what about Statler and Waldorf on the Muppets… the two old guys in the balcony named after Hotels?? I’ve always wondered about them too.

*****

Senator Marco Rubio says that right now China could be developing a much deadlier Pandemic than COVID-19.

- Terrific… Just more great news about China!!

- I’m just hoping the NEXT ONE comes with an Egg Roll and “Chef’s Special Sauce”!

*****

Bill Clinton says that when he first left office, he had “Nightmares” about what could happen to the country after his Presidency.

- Which was a big change from the “Sex Dreams” he had DURING his Presidency.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Kim Jong Un’s sister, Kim Yo Jong, dismissed the idea of better diplomacy with the US, saying hopes of having “talks” with North Korea will "Plunge America into a greater disappointment."

- It can’t be any greater than our dissapointment in her brother’s haircut.

*****

Kim Kardashian has told friends she will not change her sexy style when she becomes a lawyer.

- She’s also said she plans on becoming a Personal Injury attorney since she’s got plenty of experience with Rear-End Collisions.

*****

Harry and Meghan confirm they DID buy “LilibetDiana.com” BEFORE their daughter was even born so “Greedy people couldn’t make money off of the name”. .

- And if anybody knows how greedy people make money off a name it’s Harry and Meghan.

*****

The Emmy Awards Committee announced that in order to be more “Gender Inclusive” from now on Winners of Best Actor and Best Actress Awards can ask to have their statuette engraved with the more Gender-Neutral “Best Performer”.

- What about Losers who “Identify” as Winners? Do they get a statuette too??

*****

A new study out of Penn State found that eating 2 mushrooms a day could lower the risk of developing Cancer by 45 percent.

- But if you have your Daily Mushrooms on a Daily Pizza - it will increase your chances of developing Obesity by 100%.

*****

Pope Francis, Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg and French Prez Emmanuel Macron are all calling for “Eco-cide” - ie: knowingly harming natural eco-systems - on parr with International War Crimes.

- You wanna talk “Crime”?? How about waking up this morning - on June 22nd - to a temp of 48 degrees?? Mother Nature outta be locked up!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I hope you all had a great Father’s Day! Bittersweet at my house… but still a nice day. Thanks for all of your kind and thoughtful comments.

*****

Over the weekend, Former President Donald Trump sent Father's Day wishes to “The Radical Left… and other Losers of the World”

- Gee I wonder what store sells that card… I’ve never seen it at Hallmark.

*****

President Biden spent a quiet Father’s Day at the White House.

- Then Hunter surprised his Dad by stopping by and taking him out for Chinese!

*****

The White House announced that the First Dog, Champ, died on Saturday.

- In a related story, President Biden announced that he’s put VP Kamala Harris in charge of finding out the root cause of why dogs run around in circles and drag their butts across the carpet.

*****

Prosecutors in New York City announced that there dropping the cases against most people arrested for Rioting and Looting stores during last year’s protests.

- And as an added bonus, their giving each of the rioters a coupon for a free “Rooty Tootie Fresh and LOOTY Breakfast” at IHOP.

*****

Last Thursday, CNN welcomed political analyst Jeffrey Toobin back on the air… after he was off for several months after being caught “Pleasuring Himself” during a Zoom call with co-workers last year.

- Who’s glad he’s back? Can I see a show of hands?

- So let me get this straight… In these “Woke” days, you get FIRED for SAYING the “Wrong thing”… but Jeffrey gets to KEEP his job for DOING the “Wrong thing”??

*****

Prince Harry was treated to a “Completely Private Father’s Day Celebration” at his California mansion by his wife Meghan and their two kids Archie and 3 week old Lilibet.

- You’ll be able to see pictures of the “Completely Private” party when Meghan leaks them to the Press later this afternoon.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Taking a few days off…

We’ll be back to our usual lighter take on the news in a few days.

Hope you understand…

-Dick & Jackie

I don’t know where to begin to thank you for all of your Prayers and heartfelt condolences about the death of my youngest daughter Julie, who passed away suddenly one week ago today at the age of 45.

As you can imagine, the girls and I are still walking around in a fog of disbelief.

But I thought I’d take a deep breath - and a moment - and tell you a little bit about this wonderful Daughter, Sister, Wife and Mother to 9 year old Brayden.

Julie was the shiest of my girls - not surprising when you come into the world with 5 strong, older sisters. She was thoughtful and kind, funny and smart, and fiercely loyal. When Julie loved you - she did so with her whole heart.

She was passionate about Sports - and a terrific athlete in her own right. When she was growing up, she and I used to go outside and toss the football around. And what an arm!! Julie could throw a pass that would sail the length of 2 front lawns... and I used to think… “I finally got my boy! A really pretty one, but a boy!”

She married her College Sweetheart, Brad Johnson in 2002 and then, in 2012 they welcomed their son Brayden. “The Johnson Boys” as she called them were the center of her Universe. The family of three went everywhere together, whether it be a vacation in Florida or Caribbean Cruise - or a trip downtown to see her beloved Red Wings. Julie wanted Brayden to experience EVERYTHING. She couldn’t have known what a gift she was giving him.

We had a private service for Julie on Thursday attended by family and close friends. One after the other, people talked about how much she cared. How she was never too busy to ask how someone was doing - to lend an ear and a smile - and never ever let anyone leave without a hug goodbye and an “I Love You”. She got that from her Mom… along with her beautiful blue eyes.

As a Dad, I couldn’t be more proud of my little girl. Her loving heart and enthusiastic spirit will live on in our memories - and in my Grandson Brayden - who at 9 is already funny and wise beyond his years - and who we will continue to love with a passion matched only by Julie & Brad.

Over the years, people often referred to our Family as “Dick & Gail, and the 6 J’s” - Jennifer, Jackie, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica and Julie.

And we still are.

-Dick

It is with utter disbelief and a truly broken heart that I share the news that my youngest daughter Julie passed away suddenly Monday morning at the age of 45. . Julie had been battling Thyroid Cancer for the last few months… but was doing well after extensive surgery and radiation and looking forward to being completely healed. We don’t really know what happened… Maybe the treatments were too much - It appears that her heart simply stopped.

Julie… #6 as her 5 older sisters fondly called her… was an incredibly special girl who touched the lives of so many. She was kind and caring, loyal and loving… an amazing Mom to her 9 year old son Brayden and a devoted wife to her best friend and husband of 19 years, Brad. For my late wife Gail and Me… Julie was the happiest of surprises. To be honest, I can’t believe I’m talking about either of them in the past tense. But I take some solace in knowing that they are together again.

I will have more to share with you about my beautiful Julie in the days to come. For now, I just ask that you keep Brad, Brayden - and all of us - in your thoughts and Prayers.

Thank you so much.

-Dick

Footage that seems to show Donald Trump wearing pants without a front zipper fly at a speech this weekend, has thrown his critics into a frenzy, drawing accusations that he put his pants on backwards.

- Hey… Unlike that Disney Duck, at least this Donald WEARS pants.

*****

Medical researchers in Maine, say new research proves that - like Salamanders - Humans have an 'untapped' ability to regenerate parts of their body.

- No one was happier to hear this news than John Wayne Bobbitt.

*****

After welcoming their new baby girl to the world on Friday, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced that they’ll be “taking time” off from their jobs.

- What Jobs??

*****

Royal insiders say that naming the baby “Lilibet” - Prince Phillips very private nickname for the Queen was “rude and disrespectful” to her Royal Highness after the Oprah debacle.

- The Palace was hoping they were gonna go with the QUEEN’s nickname for MEGHAN, but Harry and Meghan said “Jezebel” wasn’t even in their top five.

*****

A new poll found that almost 50% of Americans believe that Dinosaurs still exist.

- Well, duh. I just saw a documentary about ‘em called “Jurassic Park”.

*****

A new study finds that edgy drivers might actually be genetically predisposed to “Road Rage” because they over-react to “stress provoked by acceleration events” - a condition they call “Accelerousal”.

- I thought “Accelerousal” was what happened to you when you and your date started “making out” in the car.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

General Motors is building a Lunar Rover to drive astronauts across the moon.

- Question: Does the Moon Rover come with an “Earth Roof”?

*****

Chinese President Xi Jinping has instructed top officials in the country to create a “Lovable” image for China.

- If they want a “Lovable” spokesperson… Ellen DeGeneres is looking for a new gig.

*****

A New Mexico sheriff who is running for mayor of Albuquerque was interrupted at a campaign event when a drone flew in carrying a sex toy.

- Well that’s one way for his campaign to get a lot of buzz.

*****

When a Bride dropped dead of a heart attack during her wedding in India this week, the families made the “Tough Call” to keep the festivities going by having her maid-of-honor SISTER marry the Groom instead.

- Thus the expression… “Never the Bridesmaid, Always the Bride”.

- In their defense, they’d already paid the band.

*****

Buckingham Palace announced that Queen Elizabeth will host President Biden and the First Lady at Windsor Castle later this month.

- The Biden’s are expected to present the Queen with “A Gift From America”… Fingers crossed they give her Meghan Markle.

*****

Google’s “Head of Diversity” may lose his job after it was discovered that he made anti-Semitic posts back in 2007.

- Did he not realize that people could GOOGLE his old comments??

*****

The final installment of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” book series was published this week - finally bringing the S&M saga - that sold millions of copies and was dubbed “Mommy Porn” to an End…

- … Or should I say, Climax.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Pringles has released new chips flavored like a Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

- Which raises the question: Why did the Spicy Chicken Sandwich Flavored Potato Chip cross the road?

*****

As of this morning, Gov Whitmer has lifted all capacity limits for OUTDOOR STADIUMS… but PARENTS, COACHES, and OTHER ADULTS who AREN’T VACCINATED and DO NOT MEET A MASK EXEMPTION are REQUIRED to WEAR A MASK INDOORS… but they’re RECOMMENDED but NOT REQUIRED, for those who are NOT VACCINATED and are PARTICIPATING in any contact sport.

- Could that BE anymore clear??

*****

Dolly Parton days she didn’t wear Sweat Pants around the house during the Pandemic, but opted for a “Super soft Teddy” instead.

- She got the Teddy at a “Victoria’s REALLY BIG, TRIPLE D Secret” store.

*****

Now that Pres. Biden announced that he wants a 90 day investigation into the possibility that COVID came from the Wuhan Lab in China (as Trump has been claiming for the past year) THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA is NOW ADMITTING that they pushed the Chinese story that the VIRUS WASN’T man made in the Lab at China - because THAT’S WHAT TRUMP SAID - and are now embracing the idea that the virus WAS MOST LIKELY MADE in the Chinese Lab in Wuhan.

- Bottom line: According to the Media… If Biden says it - it might be TRUE. If Trump said it - it was definitely FALSE.

*****

Meghan Markle is said to be performing “Reiki Therapy” on Harry and their baby son Archie - meaning should puts her hands on them to send “Healing Energy”.

- Queen Elizabeth says she’s interesting in trying it out… and will start by putting her hands around Meghan’s neck.

*****

Over the weekend, President Biden, his wife Jill, VP Kamala Harris and her husband were going to go to a French Restaurant in DC for lunch.

- But at the last minute they changed their plans and went on a fact finding mission to a Mexican restaurant so Kamala could work on “Finding the root cause” of why refried beans cause gas.

*****

RIP… Tom Shannon who died last week of Cancer at the age of 82. Tom and I were friends for many years - after actually meeting in our high school days in Buffalo. He was the consummate professional on CKLW as well as WKBW in Buffalo. Everybody who knew Tom always said he was as nice a human being as you’d ever be lucky enough to know. And I couldn’t agree more. He was a great talent… and an even greater guy.

*****

Have a good day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Memorial Day 2021

Over my last few years on the air approaching Memorial Day Weekend, I recited the following poem in honor and in memory of the brave men and women of the Military who have laid down their lives that we may live ours.

That poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to me by a listener, Paul Reside. Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, penned it around 1932. The poem was picked up and published in the the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”.

Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier. 

I hope you will share “The Inscription” with your family and friends.  In these turbulent times, it is imperative that we never forget the sacrifice our men and women in uniform have made, and continue to make today, so that we may live in freedom.  

Just click on the underlined link below to hear me reading the words written so long ago… that still resonate today.   

“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones

I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!

-Dick 

A 2-year-old girl in California just made history by becoming the youngest member of the American Mensa Society.

- For those of you that ain’t that smart… MENSA is for people that isn’t that dumb.

Kashe Quest has an IQ of 146… Most ADULT Americans have IQ’s of 115 or less.

- I just did the math… and that’s like a… ah… uh… 200 POINT DIFFERENCE!!

*****

Dr. Anthony Fauci is facing calls for resignation after flip-flopping on the origins of the coronavirus.

- This guy’s changed his story more often Elizabeth Warren on her Ancestry.com page.

*****

Just a day after buying MGM, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos is planning to open brick and mortar pharmacies to compete with Walgreen’s, CVS and RiteAid.

- You think maybe Jeff’s gettin’ a little too big for his britches? Hopefully one of his pharmacies will carry an ointment to help cure that.

*****

The first man to get the COVID Vaccine in England - a man named William Shakespeare— has passed away from an unrelated illness.

- I wonder if this William Shakespeare will go down in history… Just like Romeo and Juliet.

- Ultimately he died… Just like Romeo and Juliet. (Special thanks to England’s OTHER William Shakespeare and Detroit’s own “Relections”!)

*****

Following his split with J-Lo, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’s launching a makeup line for men.

- Some guys deal with a break-up by going to the bar… other’s introduce their own line of Bronzers!

*****

New research found that sitting in a hot tub for an hour a day can have similar health benefits as an hour of aerobic exercise.

- You’ll be wrinkled, pruny, dehydrated and passed out - but, hey - at least your heart will be in great shape.

*****

Some restaurants in Colorado have closed their doors due to a shortage of Chicken Wings brought on by Pandemic supply issues.

- Why don’t the chickens just fly themselves in?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

If you were up at about 5:41 this morning… you might have seen the spectacular “Blood Moon” a combination of May's Super Moon and a total Lunar Eclipse.

- I don’t mean to name drop, but it reminded me of the time I flew Carly Simon up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the Sun. (I guess I just let the cat out of the bag… When Carly sang, “You’re So Vain”… she was talking about me!!! And you thought it was Warren Beatty!)

*****

Speaking of Super Moons… Kim Kardashian has taken down a new level of her smartphone game featuring a Prince and Princess who leave Royal life after being treated badly by the Royal Family. Critics accused her of making $$$ off Meghan and Harry.

- Say what you want… It’s nice to see someone making money off of Harry and Meghan other than Harry and Meghan.

*****

A $47,000-per-year Prep School in Manhattan is teaching 16 year olds a class called “Pornography Literacy” featuring nude pictures and a section on Orgasms.

- When I was 16… I made a transistor radio in Shop Class!!

*****

Today Amazon announced that it’s reached a deal to buy MGM for $8.45 billion and could be in the market for more movie studios.

- In fact, when Jeff Bezos logged into his Amazon account this morning it said… “Based on your recent purchase history, you may also like Warner Bros, Paramount and Universal”.

*****

Cicadas are returning to America after being underground for 17 years. Each Cicada will have a lifespan of 4-6 weeks.

- In a related story… J-Lo and Ben Affleck are back together after breaking off their engagement 17 YEARS AGO (True!) and I’m betting the lifespan of their new relationship will also be 4-6 weeks.

*****

A survey of 2,000 Americans finds that three out of four people claim to have an appreciation for the “finer things” in life before they turn 30.

- The list of “Finer Things” includes the couch in their parents basement and having their Mom’s credit card number committed to memory.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Washington Post says President Biden sometimes has lunch on the go… carrying a “little bag of stuff” including a protein bar, a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich and a travel-size Gatorade.

- Reading this is so wild! That’s EXACTLY what my Mom used to pack for me when I went to Summer Camp! Except for the Gatorade and Protein Bar.

.*****

One longtime Biden advisor joked that the President “Has the tastes of a 5-year-old”.

- That’s EXACTLY what my Mom used to say about me! Of course I was 5 at the time.

- Biden’s advisor made the comment while cutting up Orange Slices and packing Juice Boxes for the White House Soccer Game.

- Which is EXACTLY what my Mom used to pack for MY Soccer Games… except in those days we didn’t have Juice Boxes. But I’m pretty positive we had Orange Slices… At least I think we did.

*****

The Supreme Court rejected a bid by a death-row inmate to be executed by firing squad because he was afraid a lethal injection would “cause pain”.

- As opposed to a FIRING SQUAD??

- Either way, it’s a shot that’s not going to end well.

*****

According to new research, abnormal heart rhythms almost doubled among vulnerable patients after Prez Trump won the 2016 election.

- And by “vulnerable patients” they mean Bill and Hillary Clinton.

*****

A new survey of 2,000 Americans finds that the average person thinks they can survive alone in the wilderness for 16 days.

- That number fell to Zero days when they realized there were no electrical outlets in the wilderness they could use to charge their phone.

*****

IHOP is launching a spinoff restaurant offering To-Go only service.

- It’s for multi-taskers who want to eat their Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity Pancake Breakfast in their car on the way to the Gym.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Golf great Phil Mickelson made history Sunday when he won the PGA Championship at the age of 50 - becoming the oldest golfer ever to win a Major.

- Everything went perfectly until Tiger Woods gave him a ride home.

*****

A new study found that 1 in 5 men want to bring back the mullet haircut.

- We went months without being able to even GET a haircut… and that’s the one they pick??

*****

Disneyland announced that they’ll now sell a $100 sandwich in it’s California theme park… It comes with salami, ham, provolone and sun-dried tomato spread on toasted bread and can feed up to eight people.

- An eight person sandwich?? Well that’s PERFECT for Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

- Then they can all get on “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” and lose their lunch.

*****

A study by the University of Michigan found that HALF A BILLION people on the planet now have diabetes and many of them don’t even realize it.

- The technical term for this condition is “Kim Jong Un Syndrome”.

*****

A team of Scientists have made Vodka from Apples grown near the melted-down Chernobyl nuclear power plant.

- Everyone who’s tried it is giving it Glowing reviews.

*****

A former music exec who is writing a new tell all about the Country music biz.

- Every Country star will have their own Chapter… Except for Dolly Parton who gets two.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Cher who turns the Big 75 today! She’ll spend the day celebrating with her face… which turns 4… again!

*****

A major new study found that men’s Sperm Counts have dropped by nearly half in the last 40 years, and scientists are predicting that at this rate men may not be producing Sperm at all by 2045.

- Apparently after that we’ll have to get babies the good old-fashioned way… from the Stork.

- Speaking of Swimmers… Reminder: The Summer Olympics are just three months away.

*****

More and more parents say they’re worried about the nation’s Colleges “Indoctrinating” their kids to Socialist ideals.

- In the old days we worried about our kids Marks. Now we have to worry about their Marx… and Engels.

*****

When President Biden joked about running over a reporter in a new F-150 Lightning Electric Pick-Up Truck earlier this week in Dearborn, the Mainstream Media reported it as “Light-hearted ribbing”.

- If Trump had said it, they would have reported: “Unhinged Trump Threatens to Murder Any Journalist Who Gets In His Way”.

*****

Jeff Bezos' space firm is auctioning one of six seats on the New Shepard Rocket for an 11-minute “Space Tourism” trip to the edge of Space… with the highest bid currently at $2.8 MILLION.

- $2.8 MILLION sounds high… but it includes a carry-on and one FREE checked bag.

- Plus, it’s a Round-Trip ticket.. or at least that’s the Plan.

*****

Singer, Demi Lovato says she identifies as “Non-Binary” - meaning she see’s herself as two or more genders - and from now on, people should refer to Her as “They” and “Them.”

- Am “I” and “Me” the only ones totally confused by this stuff?

*****

Hunter Biden was seen out and about this week sporting a mask and what looked to be about 20 extra pounds on his belly.

- See… This is what happens when you stop SNORTING Coke and start DRINKING it.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Three years ago today… Our long, national nightmare began... when Harry and Meghan tied the knot. So Happy Anniversary to you two crazy, publicity loving kids! Today’s your day!! (just like every other day).

- If you want to get them a gift, they’re registered at Bed, Wrath of Meghan, & Beyond.

*****

Meanwhile… there’s Baby News out of Britain that is raising eyebrows. Stick with me on this… This morning Princess Beatrice (Prince Andrew and Fergie’s daughter) announced that she and her husband Eduardo are expecting their first child. Royal insiders say they purposely timed the announcement to coincide with Harry and Meghans’ Anniversary because Harry and Meghan stole Beatrice’s sister Eugenie and her husband Jack’s thunder on Eugenie’s wedding day in 2018 by announcing that Meghan was pregnant with their first baby, Archie.

- You got that? Me either. And I even had Jackie explain it to me.

*****

According to an expose in the Atlantic Magazine, VP Kamala Harris keeps a Nixon-like list of Reporters that she doesn’t like because they’ve called her “Aloof and Inaccessible”.

- Reporters couldn’t get her to comment because… you know… she’s Aloof and Inaccessible.

*****

A recent study found some Mammals are able to “Breathe through their bottoms” and that humans may one day have the ability.

- If this happens and Kim Kardashian ever hyperventilates… we’re all gonna suffocate.

*****

Cops in Lehigh Acres, Florida reported that a large alligator was seen chasing a man through a Wendy’s parking lot.

- So THAT’s where the beef is.

Speaking of “Where’s the Beef”… I tried to eat healthy in a restaurant the other day and ordered one of those meatless, plant-based burgers. I almost lost my lunch. There isn’t enough ketchup or mustard in the world to make that taste like anything but an old pizza box. When the waitress asked if everything was okay, I said, “Not really”. She asked me if I wanted something else instead and I said, “PLEASE!” I went with a plain old chicken sandwich. It was delicious!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick