It’s National Visit Your Relatives Day! It’s also National Stress Awareness Day.

- COINCIDENCE?? I don’t think so!!!

*****

Goop blasted a lawsuit filed against its vagina-scented candle as “frivolous.”

The Gwyneth Paltrow-founded lifestyle company responded to a lawsuit filed by a Texas resident named Colby Watson who claims the candle exploded after burning it for the first time for “an estimated three hours or less.”

*****

The MTV Movie Awards turned on Ellen DeGeneres during their “In Memoriam” segment when they put up a pic of Ellen with the caption, “Ellen’s Reign of Terror - 2003-2021”.

- But on a bright note, she was named “Miss Congeniality” by members of the Alec Baldwin Street Fighters Fan Club.

*****

Jeffrey Epstein reportedly gave advice to Bill Gates about ending his marriage with his now-estranged wife, Melinda, during meetings the two had at the pedophile’s townhouse in Manhattan.

- Did you ever wonder how all these famous, big name rich guys ended up picking JEFFREY EPSTEIN as their Personal Life Coach??

- I’m sure Jeffrey is smiling up from Hell knowing that Bill took his advice.

*****

At a Gender Reveal Party, when a father-to-be found out his wife was having a Girl, he had a fit and threw all the party decorations on the ground.

- Well I know SOMEONE who’s not getting invited to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance in 2037.

*****

Last night, NY Mets outfielder Kevin Pillar took a 94 mph pitch directly to his face during a game against the Braves… leaving him with a fractured nose.

- There hasn’t been this much talk about a guys nose since Hunter Biden went on Spring Break.

*****

ChicK-Fil-A is reportedly running out of its famous dipping sauces and is now limiting customers to one packet per order.

- Personally, I think whoever came up with the concept for the way they Operate their restaurants, Season and Cook their Chicken and Run their Drive-Thrus - should have run for, and been elected, President! Amazing.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Despite breaking off their engagement in 2004, sources close to Jennifer Lopez said her re-romance with Ben Affleck this past week is THE REAL DEAL.

- Just like her romantic REAL DEALS with Drake… Casper Smart… Marc Anthony… Chris Judd… P. Diddy… A- Rod… (Did I miss any??)

*****

Prince Harry is being criticized by just about everybody after he called the First Amendment - which guarantees OUR right to Free Speech - “Bonkers” because it allows people to spread potentially false information.

- You know, like going on Oprah Winfrey and telling the world that your Grandma and the whole Royal Family is Racist.

*****

Organizers of the Gay Pride Parade in NYC have banned Cops from the event until 2025!!

- But so far… the Native American, the Sailor, the Leather Guy, the Construction worker, and the Cowboy are still invited, so at least MOST of the Village People will be in attendance… but NO COPS!!

*****

22 people were left hangin 20 feet above the ground for TWO HOURS when a ride broke down at the Castles ‘n Coasters Amusement Park in Phoenix.

- Same thing happened to me and some of my daughters on the Mine Ride at Cedar Point back in the day. But luckily, with a little pep talk and some hand holding… the girls managed to get me to stop crying.

*****

After the picture of the man putting trash bags full of gasoline in the trunk of his car went viral it got me to thinking.

- Why doesn’t Hefty offer three new varieties of bags: Regular, Premium and Unleaded?

*****

On this day in 1536 Anne Boleyn's four “lovers” were executed just days before Henry VIII ordered her own beheading.

- Ironically, all four of the men claimed they were “Head over Heels” in love with her.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The FAA may impose a $10,000 fine against a JetBlue passenger who coughed and blew his nose in a blanket.

- They have BLANKETS on JetBlue?? The last time I napped on a plane, I had to cover up with a Moist Anti-Bacterial Towelette.

*****

A picture of a man hoarding big garbage bags of gasoline in the back of his car prompted the media to point out that, “Putting Gasoline in garbage bags is not a good idea”.

- What if you use a ZipLoc?

*****

President Biden had a noon meeting with Congressional Republican Leaders Wednesday to try and sell them his $4 TRILLION Infrastructure Package.

- For lunch he served them All-Pork Bologna Sandwiches.

*****

A new poll shows Californians believe Kamala Harris is ready to take on the Presidency.

- How about she starts with “taking on” the Southern Border which she’s in charge of and then we can go from there. You know, Baby Steps.

*****

A teacher’s aide in Texas has been sentenced to four years behind bars for having sex with multiple students.

- Her lawyer said, “Can she help it if she’s a multi-tasker?”

*****

A woman in Alabama is being celebrated for Graduating from college… at the age of 78.

- She celebrated by doing shots of Sugar-Free Jell-O and going to a tattoo parlor to get a “Gramp Stamp”.

*****

As cases of COVID continue to fall in Europe, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given the British people permission to have casual sex.

- Well isn’t that special.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Before that ginormous Chinese Rocket fell into the Indian Ocean this weekend, and everyone was worried about where it would land, my good buddy and former “Purtan’s Person” Joe Noune sent me this email describing a conversation he had with someone in his neighborhood…

“A female neighbor in my condo complex told me she was afraid that the Chinese rocket scheduled to come down this evening may end up landing in her parking space thus destroying her car. So she moved her car over 2 parking spaces. I told her, "Good thinking. Great Move! But you should know that the rocket is pretty good sized so you should have moved your car at least 4 parking spaces away." So she did”.

Turned out to be a smart decision… because it landed a mere 9000 Miles away in the Indian Ocean. Talk about a near-miss!

You gotta love Joe!

*****

Following a cyberattack believed to be orchestrated by a Russia-based criminal group which closed the 5,500 mile Colonial Pipeline, more than one thousand gas stations on the east coast have run out of gas.

- So if you want to top off your gas… you’ll have to go to Taco Bell.

*****

Oceanographers say they have no idea how a Pacific Football Fish - with teeth as sharp as glass and a body shaped like a football washed ashore on a California beach last week - as the species lives miles below the surface of the Pacific.

- The WH immediately announced that Prez. Biden has put VP Harris in charge of “Getting to the root cause of why bizarre fish Migrate to the US”.

*****

A new survey reveals that Americans are turning to salads “more than ever” to avoid packing on the dreaded Pandemic Pounds.

- Americans are desperate to lose weight… and salads are just the tip of the Iceberg.

*****

The survey of 2,000 Americans finds 73% have been dedicating themselves to better daily routines over the past year, which includes healthy habits like getting more quality sleep, eating healthier foods, and working out more often.

- THEN WHY DO WE NEED TO EAT SALADS??

*****

Elon Musk’s girlfriend was so anxious about his hosting gig on SNL - that she suffered a Panic Attack and had to be taken to the hospital TWO DAYS AFTER his appearance.

- Let me get this straight… She’s okay with the whole “Going to Mars” thing… but the TV thing caused her to panic?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Many Italian-Americans in NYC are up in arms over the cities decision to abolish “Columbus Day” and replace it with “Indigenous People’s Day”.

- Other, more cooled-headed New Yorkers are just sayin’ “Fuhget about it”.

- When asked if she thought Massachusetts should follow NY’s lead and cancel Columbus Day Elizabeth Warren said, “And How”!

*****

Also, NYC Public Schools have announced that all future snow-days will be replaced with remote learning days.

- Years from now… todays kids will tell their GRANDKIDS how they had to “Walk from their bedroom to their computers in the living room - Uphill - both ways”. And they liked it!!

*****

An Ohio politician was pulled over, ticketed and criticized for using a fake background of his living room during a Zoom meeting - when he was actually driving at the time which is illegal.

- Did anyone consider that maybe he lived in a Mobile Home??

*****

Dracula's castle in Romania is now offering tourists COVID-19 vaccines.

- They do things differently in Drac’s Castle… Instead of giving you the vaccine with a syringe, the Nurses use their teeth.

*****

Bill Gate’s biographer says that contrary to his “Nerdy-Geek Image”, Bill was known for hiring strippers to swim with him… Naked.

- Wow. Microsoft… then Shrinkage?? No wonder Melinda’s divorcing him.

*****

Former President Trump called Medina Spirit a “Junkie” after the Kentucky Derby winning Horse tested positive for an illegal substance.

- Question: How exactly does a horse go about injecting himself?

- It’s gotta be hard to hold the needle between your hooves.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Democratic National Committee is putting together opposition research files on potential contenders for the 2024 Presidential race… including “My Pillow” founder Mike Lindell.

- Say what you want about Lindell’s politics… you gotta admit he’s put more people to sleep than Bill Cosby.

*****

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s son Archie turns the Big “2” today!

- The Family will celebrate with a Birthday Party at Prince Charles E Cheeses.

- Meghan asked that everyone “Respect our Privacy on this very special day”… That, according to the 300 reporters and photographers she invited to the Party.

*****

TMZ is reporting that Bill and Melinda Gates “Surprise” Divorce has actually been in the works for months and that the entire family is siding with Melinda and is “Furious” with Bill.

- So the old expression is true… “Having more money than God doesn’t buy Happiness”.

*****

A new poll found that 1 in 3 Americans admit to showering less now than they did before the Pandemic… with 20% saying they now shower just once a week because it’s better for the environment and they don’t have to go to the office.

- People showering just once a week?? Suddenly there are TWO reasons for the whole “6 Ft. Social Distancing Thing”.

*****

The West Side Story 60th Anniversary reunion special airs tonight (Thursday) on TCM at 8 p.m. How much you wanna bet they recreate scenes from the movie for today’s “Woke” audience?

- For example, Maria and Tony profess their love for each other on the Balcony of a Nursing Home.

- And the Jets and the Sharks don’t fight each other… they have a “Mostly Peaceful Rumble”.

- In a related story, there have been reports of efforts to “Defund Officer Krupke”.

*****

The U.S. government is asking Kim Kardashian to forfeit an ancient Roman sculpture that was apparently illegally smuggled out of Italy… but admits that Kim isn’t the one who smuggled it out.

- Bottom line: Kim may have a lot of junk in her trunk, but apparently none of it’s illegal.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

When asked why he’s still wearing a Mask outdoors when the CDC says it’s not necessary, the fully vaccinated Prez said he considers it his “Patriotic Responsibility” to ignore their advice.

- I’m confused… Does anyone else feel like we’re playing a Masked version of Marco Polo??

*****

PC Critics are up in arms about the “True Love Kiss” scene at the end of the Snow White Attraction at Disneyland because Snow White is asleep and not able to give Prince Charming “Consent” to kiss her.

- Jiminy Cricket! Does EVERYTHING these days have to be a THING???

- So let me get this straight… An Auto-matronic Prince Charming has to ask for consent… but a Living NY Governor doesn’t??

*****

A One Poll survey found that because of the Pandemic, 7 in 10 elderly Americans were forced to become more “tech savvy”.

- And by “Tech Savvy” they mean “Called Their Grandkids Seven Times a Day for Help Getting Into Their Email”.

*****

The Washington Post is reporting that Vice President Kamala Harris - who says she likes to Crochet - has made the pastime “Cool again” and is giving it “Street cred”.

- If only she could make going to the Southern Border to do her assigned job and solve the Immigration Crisis “Cool Again”.

*****

Two Intruders scaled the wall at Queen Elizabeth’s Windsor Castle Estate on Saturday before being caught by security.

- Scary, yes. But it was nice to finally see Harry and Meghan back on British Soil.

*****

A woman - who says she had no idea she was pregnant - gave birth to a healthy baby in the middle of a flight from Salt Lake City to Honolulu earlier this week.

- The Flight Attendants helped deliver the little bundle of joy… and then charged the Mom for an extra carry-on.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s National “Zipper Day”… ( Personal Note) A a yearly reminder for forgetful Senior Men to remember to Zip Up!)

*****

In his address to the Nation last night, President Biden called January’s protest riot at the Capitol the “Worst attack on our democracy since the Civil War”.

- Apparently the Prez forgot about those pesky little attacks on Pearl Harbor and 9/11.

- At least we assume Joe remembered to “Zip Up” after visiting the “Little President’s Room” right before his speech.

*****

Speaker Nancy Pelosi and VP Kamala Harris made history by becoming the first two Women to sit behind the President during an address to Congress.

- Call me sentimental… but it reminded me of Mary Ann and Ginger adoringly looking on while the Professor made a radio out of a coconut.

*****

Social Media was up in arms after Tulane University announced that they have invited Hunter Biden to teach a 10-week course on “Fake News”.

- I don’t know what officials at Tulane are smoking’… but chances are really good that Hunter is the one who sold it to ‘em.

*****

Russian Space researchers claim that while it may be possible to colonize the Moon and Mars, having SEX in space will be “extremely difficult” due to a lack of gravity and that one person may have to be “tethered down”.

- Apparently it’s going to be a bit more challenging than we thought to go where no man has gone before.

*****

New research out of U of M found that men who wear large logos on their shirts are more likely to cheat on their partner.

- With the exception of men who wear shirts with Star Trek logos… who are more likely to Not HAVE a partner to cheat on.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

It’s " National Superhero Day”! The day set aside to honor the men and women behind the masks… like Batman, Batgirl and Joe Biden.

*****

Tonight, in his 1st Address to Congress, President Biden will pitch his $1.8 TRILLION plan that includes Free Universal Pre-K, Tax Cuts, 12 Weeks of Family Leave and Two years PAID College Tuition.

-There hasn’t been this much free stuff given away since “Oprah” went off the air.

*****

Last night, a contestant on Wheel of Fortune made show history by winning a new house. Her total haul came to over $398,000 - but bad news…. During the celebration Vanna White was hit in the head by a clump of confetti.

- Vanna was taken to the…. Remember, the category is “On the Map”. H _ _ P _ T _ L.

*****

New York has officially lost a house seat… According to the Census Bureau, the Empire State would NOT have lost a seat if it had counted just 89 more people.

- Gov. Cuomo is wishing he hadn’t sent all those people to the Nursing Homes right about now.

- The Democrats had planned on filling that seat with Kim Kardashian… but it’s just as well… she wouldn’t have fit in it anyway.

*****

A new political poll shows Americans want compromise.

- To be more specific… They want YOU to compromise.

*****

An 85-year-old Italian man was fined twice in less than an hour for breaking COVID lockdown laws to meet Prostitutes. He told cops that his sex drive “shot through the roof” after getting the COVID vaccine.

- Well… at least he’s protected from getting ONE Virus.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

.. - ... / .-..-. -. .- - .. --- -. .- .-.. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / -.. .- -.-- -.-.-- .-..-.

(It’s National Morse Code Day!) The day we celebrate two amazing women… Brigit Bar-Dot and Mrs. Dash!

It’s also “National School Bus Drivers Day”… which to be honest holds a special place in my heart. Before I wanted to become a “Radio Guy”… I wanted to become a Bus Driver. So I ended up trading “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round” for “The Songs on the Turntable Go Round and Round”.

*****

A woman has been charged with felony embezzlement for failing to return a VHS copy of “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” which she rented in 1999.

- So THAT’S who the video store guy was talking about when he told me it was out of stock because some woman had rented their only copy and hadn’t brought it back!

******

A 40-year-old man wrote a viral essay in the Orlando Sentinel vowing to never go to Disney World again because the park is becoming “Too Woke”.

- As proof, he said that Prince Charming went to kiss Sleeping Beauty the other day… and she was already Awake.

*****

After Elon Musk’s “SpaceX” beat out Amazon’s Jeff Bezos’ “Blue Orbit” for a $2.9 BILLION contract from NASA to send a rocket ship full of passengers to the Moon, Musk tweeted that Bezos “Can’t Get it Up”. (True!)

- Well you know what they say… “Billionaire boys will be Billionaire boys!”

*****

Border Patrol Officers have seized more than $4 million in meth that was hidden in pickles.

- Thus the old slogan, “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, meth-pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun”.

*****

Officials in Bali arrested a local man and woman for having sex on a sacred volcano.

- Police didn’t buy his story that he was only on the Volcano to Sacrifice a Virgin.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Last night was the Oscars telecast and I found myself faced with a big decision: Do I watch Hollywood’s big night or “Fear of the Walking Dead” on another channel. But thanks to the Pandemic lockdowns last year, the whole movie thing was pretty much “The Walking Dead” anyway. In the end, I ended up watching a bit of both and bottom line…. “My Oscar goes to…… ‘Fear of the Walking Dead’”.

*****

Speaking of movies… Plots must be hard to come by because there’s a new documentary in the works about the infamous Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson “Wardrobe Malfunction” at the 2004 Super Bowl…

- Remember the good old days when the biggest issue dividing the country was whether “Nipplegate” was planned or accidental??

*****

According to new research out of the University of Virginia, puttering around your garden can improve your health and well being as much as vigorous exercise.

- So if you want more time to stop and smell the roses… stop and smell the roses.

*****

A Texas Democratic state lawmaker raised eyebrows at a recent meeting when he said, “Modern science obviously recognizes that there are many more than two biological sexes…In fact, there are six”.

- 6 ???? I think we can all agree there are only 5.

*****

California Highway 1 has reopened along Big Sur after a portion of it collapsed in January.

- Governor Newsom only allowed to Highway to re-open after it swore to socially distance from other highways in the area.

*****

Somebody texted this to me yesterday… and I thought it was kind of funny!

“I see people my age out there climbing mountains and zip-lining… and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear this morning without losing my balance”.

Sound familiar?? It did to me too.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s National “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day”!

- So move over and let Junior sit next to you on the couch!

*****

New technology has been developed that will allow Streaming Services to “place products” and insert “subtle ads” into Classic blockbuster films like Casablanca and Gone With The Wind.

- I can see it now… Rick will say to Ilsa… “The German’s wore Grey… You wore something from Nordstom”.

- And Scarlett O’Hara will hold her fist up to the sky and proclaim, “As God as my witness… I’ll never go hungry again… because I’m on Nutrisystem!”

*****

A man in Morocco had to have a “Homemade” sex toy cut off his genitals with an electric saw after the device got stuck and cut off his blood supply while he was attempting to “Romance Himself”.

- This makes the whole “Going Blind” thing seem like a walk in the park.

*****

This week, the last remaining Hooters restaurant in Macomb County closed its doors permanently.

- But all is not lost guys… After exhaustive research we’re happy to inform you that there’s still a Hooters open in Taylor!!!! What we won’t do for our audience…

*****

TV viewers in Iraq are outraged over a new state sponsored TV show where Celebs are “Kidnapped” by actors wearing ISIS costumes, strapped with fake suicide vests and told they’re going to be executed… before being told it’s a “Prank”.

- “Smile! You’re on Jihadi Camera!

- If it’s a success… look for “Terrorists Say the Darndest Things!” and “Suicide Bomber for a Day”.

*****

According to a Royal Author, Prince Philip had "only one complaint" about Queen Elizabeth II during their 73-year marriage. He once said, “She never gets off the phone. Who is she talking to??”

- He was just like the rest of us guys! His wife loved to chat and he preferred to sit quietly when he was on the throne.

*****

Because of the Pandemic, Elton John is taking his annual Pre-Oscar Party Online this year… and the public can join the festivities for just $25.

- Question: Are any of you planning on wearing giant Rhinestone Glasses and a Duck Suit to to the party? It would be so embarrassing if somebody showed up dressed in the same outfit I’m wearing.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Queen Elizabeth who turns 95 today.

- In an attempt to make amends for the infamous interview with Harry and Meghan, Oprah is going to give the Queen “A FREE CARRIAGE!”

*****

Prince Harry missed his Grandma’s Birthday and flew back to California Tuesday.

- He said he had to get back for his and Meghan’s weekly mid-week Pasta dinner. Why? Because Wednesday is “Prince Spaghetti Day!”

*****

After yesterdays verdict in the George Floyd murder trial was announced, OJ Simpson said that Derick Chauvin “deserved to be convicted”.

- Well it takes one to know one.

*****

3.3 inches of snow were officially recorded on the ground at Metro Airport - marking just the 9th day in the last 147 YEARS where metro Detroit had 1" of snow or more after April 20.

- There hasn’t been this much white stuff on the ground in April since Hunter Biden threw an Easter Party.

*****

The producers of this Sunday’s Oscars say that COVID will make this years ceremony “Completely different than anything we’ve ever seen before”.

- So the women are going to wear BRAS??

*****

According to a new study, the “Snobbiest State” in the US is… Massachusetts.

- Senator Elizabeth Warren said it’s not true and that the results of the study were “Sitting Bull-S***”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

A Chinese company is selling a $200 “Hyperrealistic Muscle Suit” made of 100% Medical Grade Silicone that they say will transform even the wimpiest body into a “Sculpted-David-Hasselfhoff-on-Baywatch” physique.

- They got the idea to use Silicone from watching "Pamela-Anderson’s-Silicone-Sculpted-Chest” on the same show.

*****

A Buddist monk in Thailand cut off his own head with a guillotine to ensure “Good Luck” in the afterlife.

- Friends of the monk said he “always had a good head on his shoulders”… Right up until he didn’t.

*****

A group of Drywall installers in Ontario were caught on video drinking vodka and dancing with a semi-naked woman at a home they were hired to remodel.

- Well that’s one guaranteed way to get the workmen you hired to ACTUALLY SHOW UP!

******

Prince Harry is still in England following Prince Phillips funeral, and may stay to help celebrate his Grandmother - Queen Elizabeth’s 95th Birthday on Wednesday.

- Harry says he wants to get his Grandma a gift that will “Cheer her up” - But how do you wrap up a divorce from Meghan Markle??

*****

For the 4th year in a row, Finland has been named the “Happiest Country in the World” with social scientists saying the Finns don’t concern themselves with “Keeping up with the Joneses.”

- For example, people in Finland don’t get jealous if their neighbor gets a new Mercedes… they’re happy to just keep driving their FJORD Fiestas.

*****

April is “National Poetry Month”… when we honor famous Poets such as Robert Frost, Emily Dickenson, Walt Whitman, Longfellow, Maxine Waters… you know, people who just seem to have a way with words.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hester Ford, the oldest living American, died at age of 116 in Charlotte, North Carolina on Saturday.

- Boy, I didn’t see that one coming.

*****

This morning a team of scientist at the Jet Proulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California remotely guided the Ingenuity helicopter for the first ever remote controlled flight on another Planet.

- Big whoop. I once rode the Gemini Roller Coaster at Cedar Point NO HANDED!!!

*****

The state of Oregon may implement a PERMANENT Mask Mandate and extend Social Distancing requirements for residents and businesses.

- Bottom Line: You’re still free to burn down Portland… but the Mask will make it harder for what’s left of the Cops to identify you!

*****

President Biden finally admitted there’s a “Crisis” at our Southern Border while speaking with reporters during a round of golf on Saturday.

- He added that it was “A good day on the course”… He hit the ball right into the Clown’s mouth!!

*****

According to a new survey, Men value “Personality over Looks” and are looking for a woman who is “Honest, Confident and Kind”.

- And has big boobs.

*****

The former Bruce-Now-Caitlyn Jenner says the Former-He/Now-She will “decide soon” whether to run for Governor of California.

- He’s out shopping right now looking for the PERFECT Hat to throw in the Ring… Preferably one that goes with his shoes and handbag.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

On this day in 1912, The Titanic went down less than three hours after hitting an Iceberg.

- Historians say it’s the second fast sinking in history - right after Andrew Cuomo’s political career.

- The biggest question of all about the sinking of the Titanic is: WHY DIDN’T ROSE MOVE OVER FOR JACK WHEN THERE WAS PLENTY OF ROOM FOR HIM ON THE DOOR???

*****

President Biden will address a Joint Session of Congress on April 28th.

- Nancy Pelosi is so thrilled she’s having his speech laminated so she doesn’t get over excited and accidentally rip it up.

*****

Speaking of the Speaker … Ms. Pelosi claimed that people who entered the Capitol on Jan. 6th would have “had a battle on their hands” if they had encountered HER — declaring she’s a “Street Fighter.”

- This from the woman who last year described a meeting with President Trump as a “Tinkle Contest”.

*****

The AP is being ridiculed for banning the word “Mistress” to describe “A woman who is in a long-term sexual relationship with a man who financially supports her - while he is married to someone else”. Instead, reporters will use Gender Neutral terms like “Companion”, “Friend” or “Lover”.

- And instead of “Homewrecker” reporters should describe the woman as a “Dwelling-Privileged-Disasembler”.

*****

“Inside sources” say a pregnant Meghan Markle was “Desperate” to go to England to attend Prince Phillip’s funeral… and was “devastated” when her Doctor said she couldn’t go.

- Maybe Oprah can have her on for another two hour special where she can work through her pain.

*****

Prince’s Harry and William will be together for the first time since the infamous Oprah interview when they attend the Funeral this Saturday.

- Well that outta put the “Fun” in “Funeral”.

*****

China has launched a hotline for its citizens to report Anti-Government comments so that the citizens who made them can be punished.

- The American word for this kind of Hotline is “Twitter”!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

U.S. News & World Report released it’s annual rankings of “Top 10 Countries in the World” based on Quality of Life and Social Purpose and the winner is….. CANADA.

- Upon hearing the news, proud Canadians took to the streets shouting, “We’re #1, Eh?! We’re #1, Eh?!”

The US came in sixth on the list behind Japan, Germany, Switzerland and Australia.

- “We’re #6! We’re #6!”

*****

Meanwhile, new federal data show that sexually transmitted diseases have reached an all-time high in the U.S. for the sixth consecutive year.

- They attribute the increase to COVID lockdowns and Madonna being back on the market.

*****

Nike announced that they’ll begin selling “Used Shoes” under the name Nike Refurbished… that will offer “Gently Used” sneakers for a discounted price.

- What’s next…. “Gently Used” underwear??

- They have “Previously Enjoyed” watches, cars and jewelry… Why not “Previously Enjoyed” Underpants??

*****

Chinese officials have launched what they say is the world’s first traffic light for Camels.

- Not surprising that this story came out today… Wednesday IS Hump Day! (Ancient Chinese Joke!)

*****

Hasbro is now selling a Voice-Activated Robot that “Talks, Punches and Drives” for $700.

- Who needs a Robot when we’ve already got Alec Baldwin??

*****

Bernie Madoff who scammed investors out of more than 17 BILLION dollars in an elaborate Ponzi scheme has died in Prison of natural causes at the age of 82.

- In case you wanted to start a “GoFundMe” page for Bernie, the Madoff family says it’s not necessary. Turns out before he passed on, Bernie came up with an elaborate scheme to sell shares to investors to pay for his funeral.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

VP Kamala Harris has now moved into her official residence - on the grounds of US Naval Observatory where scientists observe the Sun, Moon, Planets & Stars.

- So… THIS explains why she isn’t flying down to take a look at the Border Crisis that she’s in charge of… She’s “Observing” it through a telescope.

*****

NY has now surpassed California as the country's highest taxed state.

- And thanks to Gov Cuomo, NY can also boast, “More Gropes Per Capita” than any other State in the US.

*****

Researchers say that eating together at the dinner table without phones could be key to combating childhood obesity.

- That… and you may want to cut back on the Mac ‘n Cheese.

*****

Actor and former Pro-Wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson says he may run for President after a new poll found that 46% of Americans would support him.

- The Rock is even accepting campaign donations now… So this would be a great time to become an Athletic Supporter!

*****

A New Mexico man began driving out of a grocery store parking lot when he looked back and found 15,000 bees in his backseat.

- Police apprehended the Bees in a Sting Operation. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Prince Andrew told British reporters that the death of Prince Philip has left a huge void in his life.

- His girlfriend said he’s “So sad” he has barely touched the Girl Scout Cookies she sold him.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Charlevoix has become a “Hot Spot” for huge numbers of 4-feet-tall Wild Turkeys that are “Incessantly chasing and even jumping on” residents.

- We better hope that Home Inspector that “Romanced” Elmo last week doesn’t try the same thing with Big Bird.

*****

Starting this month, pregnant Marines will finally be able to purchase better fitting maternity uniforms along with “Nursing” undershirts.

- And they’re going to change their slogan to “The Few… The Proud… The Pregnant”.

*****

Former President Trump referred to Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell as a “Dumb Son of a B-tch” during an event at Mar A Lago on Saturday.

- Love him or hate him… you gotta admit he’s always had a way with words!

*****

A Florida Woman is facing a felony child neglect charge after police found cocaine and a cut straw atop her three-year-old son’s copy of Dr. Seuss’s “The Cat in the Hat.”

- Turns out she’s not in trouble for the Drugs… She was arrested for having a Dr. Seuss book in the same house as her little boy.

*****

Meghan Markle - who is due this summer - will miss Prince Philip’s funeral because her Doctor says she can’t fly “At this stage of her Pregnancy”.

-Well that… and the fact that she can’t show her face in England “At this stage of her marriage”.

*****

A married Mississippi Biology Teacher was arrested after videotaping herself having sex with a teen student.

- Personally I think she should be applauded for getting back into the classroom to provide hands-on learning.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

It’s “National Dog Gas-Passing Awareness Day”! (TRUE!!!)

- Question: Did we really need a special day to be AWARE of this?

- Hallmark even has a special card for it…

Roses are Red,

Green grows the Clover.

That wasn’t me…

I swear it was Rover!

*****

A 59 year old Clarkston Home Inspector was caught on a families’ Nursery Cam "Romancing” an Elmo doll.

- Afterwards Elmo yelled at him… “I said TICKLE me you idiot!”

*****

CNN is being mocked for declaring that certain Text Fonts - like those often used by Chinese Restaurants on their Menus - "Communicate Asian-ness" and are therefore “Racist”.

- O… M… G…

- Which text fonts are they talking about you ask? Ancient Chinese Secret!

- To make sure you don’t use a Racist Text, CNN has divided them into a handy list. Appropriate fonts are in Column A… INappropriate in Column B.

*****

Days after saying that Vaccinations could prevent a 4th wave of COVID in the US, yesterday Dr. Fauci reversed course and said that Vaccinations may not be enough to prevent a 4th wave.

- Love him or hate him, Fauci flips more often than the Head Pancake Maker at IHOP. (Home of the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity Breakfast Combo!)

*****

A new study by OnePoll found that 65% of Americans admit they have to write their computer passwords down or else they’ll forget them.

- I always use Dick123 as my Password for EVERYTHING!!! It’s easy to remember and I’m pretty sure nobody could ever figure it out!

*****

A Royal Biographer claims that Meghan Markle was once told by the Queen that after her marriage to Harry she could continue acting.

- And Meghan really took it to heart. She’s been acting like a “Woke”, entitled, spoiled brat ever since.

*****

Egypt has transported its mummified kings and queens from one museum to another in a mummy parade.

- They got the idea from watching Joe Biden walk across the stage to the Presidential Podium.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick