With hair salons closed in much of the country, Prez Trump showed off a new grey doo in a Rose Garden Press Conference.

- He was immediately knocked by CNN and MSNBC for wearing hair that was the same color as Confederate Soldiers Uniforms in the Civil War.

*****

After polling at just 2%, Kanye West has dropped out of the 2020 Presidential Race.

- I guess the public just wasn’t ready for his slogan, “Make Big Butts Great Again”.

*****

Ghislaine Maxwell will be held in jail until her trial - a year from this month -because the Judge says she is “an extreme flight risk”.

- Why? Does she know somebody with cash and a private plane who might help her flee to some secret island??

*****

A new trend has teenagers posting videos of themselves dressing up like Senior Citizens in order to buy alcohol.

- So Ladies… if you see a guy in black socks and bermuda shorts picking up some booze, don’t assume it’s your husband.

*****

Dearborn’s own Squad Member Rashida Tlaib has attacked DTE claiming that power outages are caused by “systemic racism”. DTE denied the claim saying the power goes out because of why?? “Bad weather and Trees”.

- Ya know I’m starting to think Tlaib isn’t the brightest bulb in the Intelligence lamp.

*****

The NFL has partnered with Oakley Sunglasses on a new face shield that will protect players from the Coronavirus when and if the season resumes.

- But they still can’t come up with anything to protect Lion fans from years of disappointment.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Hillary Clinton was back on TV saying that President Trump “May not go quietly” if he loses the election in November.

- Well she outta know.

- Hello Pot… I’d like you to meet Kettle.

*****

Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews will NOT be returning when DWTS returns for it’s 29th Season as ABC says it’s “going in a different creative direction”.

- To make the show more current, it’s going to be called “Looting With the Stars”.

- I saw a preview of the new show. It’s a riot!

*****

Disney has re-opened the Magic Kingdom at 25% capacity to defend against the Coronavirus.

- But they still have great rides like “6 ft. Spaced Mountain” and “Mr. Toad’s Wild Hand Washing”.

*****

In a speech about empowering women, Joe Biden used what he thought was a proverb, but was actually a quote by the infamous Chinese Communist Dictator Mao Tse Tung.

- Joe’s age must be getting to him. He’s not Sum Yung Guy anymore.

*****

A CDC study found that a Chinese Woman infected seventy-one people with Coronavirus during a sixty second elevator ride at a Hospital.

- Which begs the question: How did they get 72 people on one elevator?

- The number of people she exposed keeps changing. First it went Up. Then it went Down…

*****

Sex workers in Hamburg, Germany are trying to get back in business after the the city’s red light district was shut down due to the Coronavirus.

- They’re even offering the first 100 customers 10% off on their “Bunker Buster Special”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

President Trump wore a mask in public for the FIRST TIME Saturday while visiting wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Medical Center.

- Or as the mainstream media reported… “Trump Covers Mouth So Americans Can’t See His Lips Moving While He Lies”.

*****

A study shows that crocodiles walked on two legs 120 million years ago.

- That’s quite a feet.

- They even wore shoes… Loafers. (You thought I was gonna say Crocs didn’t you??)

*****

The Washington Redskins announced this morning that, after 87 years, they’re changing their name to something “Less Offensive”.

- Wait… Which part are they changing?? “Washington” or “Redskins”???

- With their 3 - 13 record last year, they were definitely the Washington “Less-Offensives”.

*****

A replacement for the Concord called the XB-1 will be unveiled in October that can travel at speeds of up to 1700 mph.

- So now we can fly around the world four times faster! Nobody will let us land because of the Virus… but we’ll get there in RECORD TIME!

*****

Ford is expecting a huge audience tonight when they unveil the new Bronco during a primetime event on ABC.

- If I recall correctly, this isn’t the first time a Bronco on TV has attracted a lot of viewers.

*****

A gorilla at the Miami Zoo was tested for Covid-19 after he was bitten by his brother.

- Apparently his brother accused him of having a chimp on his shoulder.

- Zoo handlers had to step in to get the monkey off his back.

(Pardon us for those last two lines… It’s been a slow day!)

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

This morning, The Supreme Court ruled that President Trump must turn over his Tax Records to Stormy Daniels attorneys who are looking for proof he paid her hush money.

- Stormy couldn’t re reached for comment as she was in the Middle of a Topless Car Wash to raise funds for Charity. Note: Charity is one of Stormy’s stripper friends.

*****

A Dairy Queen customer on Long Island was flipped off by the manager after the customer asked him why employees weren't wearing masks.

- In his defense, the manager was busy at the time working on one of DQ’s “Pandemic-Buster Parfaits”.

*****

Retail experts say that COVID-19 may mean the cancellation of “Black Friday” this year… and possibly forever.

- So if you want to get trampled trying to get your hands on a Big Screen TV… go out on the streets and do some Looting.

*****

“The Views” Joy Behar says that she and her husband go for drives “Looking for people who aren’t wearing masks”.

- For the record, her husband ALWAYS wears one… because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s the guy who married Joy.

*****

Visitors to “Disneyland” in Japan have been banned from “Screaming” on roller coasters because it could spread COVID-19.

- Hey… As long as I can still scream on the Old-Fashioned Cars at Cedar Point, I’m good.

*****

Police in Italy issued tickets to hundreds of Naked people at a Nudist Beach who weren’t wearing masks.

- I saw the pics from the beach and I’m gonna be honest. They should have been fined for not wearing CLOTHES.

*****

During the lockdown, Gwyneth Paltrow says she bought her 14 year old son a $40-dollar puzzle titled “Boobs,” which features drawings of breasts of various shapes, sizes, and colors to help him pass the time.

- And to think my Mother grounded me for setting up my sister’s Barbie on dates with Howdy Doody and Mr. Bluster.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

For the 2nd straight month, Joe Biden has topped Donald Trump in fundraising.

- Joe plans to use the money for campaign commercials, “Biden 2020” Pins, and to finish his basement.

*****

According the explosive tell-all book written by President Trump's Niece, Mary Trump, her “Uncle Donald” paid someone to take his SAT’s for him.

- Rumor has it there’s yet another Anti-Trump book coming out… this one by Donald’s Stingy, Rich, Penny-Pinching Uncle “Scrooge McTrump”.

*****

Kanye West announced he’ll run for President under “The Birthday Party”… because when he wins… it’ll be “Like everybody’s Birthday!”

- And if they play “Pin the Tail on Kim’s Butt” EVERYBODY wins!! How could they miss??

*****

The World Health Organization is monitoring a case of Bubonic Plague in China, but said it’s not “high risk” for now.

- It IS high risk… they’re just not gonna tell us that yet.

- What is it with Deadly illnesses and China? Seems like every time they come up with one, they find another one an hour later.

*****

On this day in 1913, Alfred Carlton Gilbert got a patent for one of the most popular children’s toys of all time: The Erector Set.

- It’s still sold today… under the name “Viagra”.

*****

Heinz has released kits that turn Mayo, BBQ Sauce, and Ketchup into Heinz-flavored Ice Cream.

- I can think of 57 reasons why this is a bad idea.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

61 year old Madonna, who’s recovering from a knee injury, posted a topless picture of herself leaning on a crutch on Instagram yesterday.

- Remember her famous coffee table book?? Hey Madonna show us something we haven’t seen before.

*****

A German man’s bachelor party in the Austrian Alps ended with the man being rushed to the hospital with a snake bite on his tongue.

- NOTE TO GUYS: Never hire a stripper wearing a Feather Boa Constrictor.

*****

Word is, Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend and Madam Ghislaine Maxwell will use her secret stockpile of the late pedophile’s sex tapes as an insurance policy to save herself from Prison.

- Formal charges will be filed Friday, sooner than expected. Apparently they don’t want to keep her hanging.

*****

According to a new study, 75% of Americans say the Pandemic Lockdowns has caused them to feel like they’re living the same day over and over.

- Wait… Didn’t I just cover this story yesterday??

*****

The Playhouse strip club in Romulus has been linked to 13 cases of COVID-19.

- It’s ironic that Gov. Whitmer is considering implementing Stage 5 of her plan to reopen Michigan… Stage 5 is where the Virus was spread at the Strip Club.

*****

If you’ve been outside today… you know the heatwave continues. How hot is it?

It’s so hot Historical Statues are throwing THEMSELVES in the river just so they can cool off.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Kanye West celebrated the 4th of July by announcing that HE’S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!

- Finally! Some GOOD news!!

- If he wins, Kim Kardashian will be the 1st First Lady in US History to make a Sex Tape in the Lincoln Bedroom… as far as we know.

*****

Prince Andrew has canceled his annual golfing trip to Spain because he’s “nervous” about leaving the UK after Ghislaine Maxwell’s arrest.

- He’s gonna stick close to the Castle and take his 14 year girlfriend Putt-Putting instead.

*****

Officials in Los Angeles and Miami are now admitting that Protests may have led to an uptick in COVID cases but NYC Mayor DeBlasio denies the mass events have increased the spread.

- Apparently in New York you can “Start Spreading the News” without “Spreading the Virus”.

*****

Scientists say they’ve debunked the theory that one year in a dogs life is equal to 7 human years, saying that a four-year-old dog is acutally equivalent a 52-year-old human.

- So if your 4 year old Schnoodle-Doodle wants a snout-lift and buys a convertible… he’s just going through his mid life crisis.

*****

According to a new survey, most Americans are still willing to help out strangers and perform acts of kindness towards others.

- Unless those “others” happen to disagree with them on Facebook.

*****

Competitive Eater Joey Chestnut wolfed down a world record 75 hot dogs and buns at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in NYC on Saturday.

- They’re haven’t been that many hot dogs and buns on public display since Anthony Weiner got out of the slammer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy 244th Birthday to America!!

Speaking of our Great Country…

A petition circulating on Left-leaning Change.org is calling for a statue of Christopher Columbus in Cleveland to be replaced with a native of the city … Chef Boyardee.

- What a great idea! They could have the Chef holding a can of Spaghetti in his right hand and his Meatballs in his left.

- Even the Chef would be Ravioli-ing in his grave if he heard about this.

*****

Queen Elizabeth called President Trump on Tuesday to wish him a Happy 4th of July.

- Nice to see she’s gotten past that whole Revolutionary War Thing.

*****

The Washington Redskins have been told they can’t move from Maryland to RFK Stadium in D.C. unless they agree to change the teams “offensive” name.

- If they want something “Offensive” they should watch the Lions blow their lead in the 4th quarter.

*****

Dr. Anthony Fauci says people should cease going to Bars in order to stop the spread of COVID-19.

- Well I’ll drink to that.

*****

A survey by AAA is predicting that Fewer Americans will take road trips over the 4th of July Weekend.

- After 4 months of being stuck in the house with their family, NOBODY wants to spend three days trapped in a car with ‘em.

*****

The NYC Council passed a budget that will cut Police funding by $1 BILLION… but Squad Member & Democratic Socialist AOC says “It’s not enough”.

- If we want this Country to survive as we know it, we better start practicing some “Social-IST Distancing”.

*****

Two new studies suggest that using public transit increases your chances of dying from Coronavirus.

- Sing with me! “The Germs on the Bus Go Round and Round… Round and Round…”

*****

A study by Lafayette University found that people who constantly nitpick their partners can send them to an early grave.

- If that’s true, Joy Behar’s husband must be on life support.

*****

Have a great day and a Safe & Happy 4th of July Weekend!

- Dick

Protestors are trying to bring down ANOTHER statue of Abraham Lincoln.

- HONEST??? ABE??? As I recall… he signed the EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION!!

- I’m thinking if Abe was alive today he’d gladly go back to the Theater for some entertainment and see that Play again.

*****

The White House confirmed plans to keep troops at the Mexican Border until 2021.

- Remember the good old days (like six months ago) when the big thing people were arguing about was our Immigration Policy??

*****

Thirteen years ago this week, The iPhone went on sale for the first time.

- And one of these days I’m going to learn how to do more than Answer it.

*****

Two commercial Airline pilots in Ireland are in hot water after video surfaced of them using a rubber chicken to operate the controls in the cockpit.

- Hey… at least unlike the Pilots, the CHICKEN wasn’t drinking.

*****

The Brooklyn Home where Al Capone was born is on the market for $2.9 million dollars.

- The property taxes are high - but if you want to be like Al, just don’t pay ‘em.

*****

A British survey found that 1 in 3 dog owners would choose their pet over their partner.

- The other 2 in 3 say they’d like a Spouse/Pet mix like the “Dave-A-Doodle” and the “Golden Re-Steve-er”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

- Dick

Hey… Jackie here! Thanks so much to all of you for your kind Birthday wishes! Dad took me out for a wonderful dinner at Chuck E. Cheese!! I’m a lucky girl…

Protestors set up a GUILLOTINE outside Jeff Bezos house in Washington DC house saying “Support our Poor Communities not Wealthy Men”.

- How much you want to bet they ordered the Guillotine from Amazon??

*****

Vladimir Putin says he’ll CONSIDER running for President through 2036 - but ONLY if the Russian Parliament votes to amend the Constitution allowing him to do that.

- And, honestly, what are the chances of them doing that??

- I mean what’s he gonna do?? Put a gun to their heads??

*****

A woman in Uganda - dubbed the World's Most Fertile Woman - has become a single mother after her husband walked out after the birth of their FORTY-FORTH CHILD.

- It reminds me of what George Kell used to say when Sparky Anderson walked out to the mound to change pitchers… “He has seen enough”.

*****

Mississippi Lawmakers have voted to remove the Confederate symbol from their State Flag.

- Those OPPOSED to the move said, “M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-WHY??”

*****

For their flight to the moon in 2024, NASA is offering a $20,000 reward to the person who designs the best space toilet.

- They want it to be sound proof “Because in Space… No One Should Hear You………… !!!”

*****

Kim Kardashian says her cosmetics brand is now worth $1 BILLION after signing a new deal with COTY Cosmetics.

- That’s a hefty bottom line.

*****

RIP… Carl Reiner. 98.

*****

Congratulations to Sherry Margolis who retires today after 35 years at Fox 2 in Detroit!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden is vowing to release his campaign diversity data after facing criticism that his staff is overwhelmingly White.

- How long do you figure it’s gonna be before someone starts complaining about the name of the White House??

*****

Congrats to “Jeopardy” and Host Alex Trebek who took home Statues for Best Game Show and Best Game Show Host at the 47th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards.

- But the way things are going… their “Statues” will be torn down by the end of the week.

*****

Meanwhile, “The Young and the Restless” won Eight awards.

- Y&R went on the air almost 50 years ago which mens the Original Cast is now “The Old and The Incontinent”.

*****

CHOP protestors in Seattle’s “Police Free Zone” have moved into the abandoned Police Precinct.

- Cuz, you know, when you’re trying to lead a revolution, you need air conditioning and all the donut shops on Speed Dial.

*****

According to new “Wedding Rules” in Britain, the Brides and Grooms have to wash their hands immediately before and after exchanging rings.

- In the old days, Brides were supposed to be “Pure”… Now they have to be “Purell”.

*****

A Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend with a pizza.

- The argument started because he was feeling “Hot” but she wasn’t “Ready”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Joe Biden will accept the Democrat Nomination in a “Virtual” Convention without any delegates. In other breaking news… 12 time Hot Dog Eating Champ Joey Chestnut has announced he will attempt to break his record of 74 Hot Dogs - with 5 challengers in an air conditioned venue.

- So Joey Chestnut will defend his HOT DOG EATING CHAMPIONSHIP alongside 5 challengers in an air conditioned auditorium… but Joe Biden’s gonna accept the Democratic nomination for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES with no challengers in his air-conditioned BASEMENT???

*****

President Trump’s plan to visit Mt. Rushmore on the 4th of July has drawn anger from Native Americans.

- Elizabeth Warren is really on the warpath.

*****

New York’s Governor Cuomo announced that Cops will stop cars with license plates from Coronavirus Hot Spot states and issue $1000 fines to people for not quarantining.

- Oh sure… NOW they WANT the Cops.

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is threatening to create a “sensational event” that will lead to the destruction of America.

- His plan is to Defund the Police and tear down our statues!!

*****

The McDonald’s in NYC’s Times Square is closing its doors after seventeen years.

- If a burger joint was going to close because of the riots you’d think it would be White Castle.

*****

A 62 year old Indiana woman is facing charges of animal cruelty after she tried to neuter her dog using a rubber band.

- The dog ran away… not to mention her Husband!!

*****

A Chinese man’s bladder exploded after he held his pee for 18 hours during a beer drinking binge.

- How did he hold it for the first 17 hours you ask? Ancient Chinese Secret!!

- NOTE TO BEER DRINKERS: If you hold it too long… Urine for big trouble.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump says he wants to offer Americans a very generous second “Stimulus Package.”

- That sounds familiar… Back in the 90’s, didn’t Bill Clinton offer a “Stimulus Package” to someone when he was in that little room off the Oval Office?

*****

Scientists say the number of space settlers needed to successfully start a colony on Mars is 110.

- If we start with the co-hosts of “The View”… we’ve only got 105 more to go!

*****

A 52 year old Pennsylvania mom has been arrested for driving her 28 year old son to and from a store which he robbed of $4000 dollars.

- Give her a break. These days it’s not easy to organize a Home-School Field Trip

*****

Porn Star Ron Jeremy has vehemently denied charges that he sexually assualted three women.

- The alleged victims say they can describe his man-parts… but then again I’d imagine anyone who’s ever seen one of his movies can to it too.

*****

On Thursday, Delta will become the first airline to resume flights between the U.S. and China… with some restrictions.

- You can only bring two bags when you leave NYC and one Virus on the flight back from Beijing.

*****

A dog from Tennessee named “Augie,” turned 20 in April making her the oldest living Golden Retriever in history.

- To celebrate, the owners threw her a party… but she kept bringin’ it back.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

As historical statues continue to be torn down there are rising fears that Mount Rushmore could come under attack.

- Where would they even begin?? If I was one of those moronic rioters, I’d pick George Washington’s nose.

*****

The family of a Texas woman who played Aunt Jemima is upset that Quaker has decided to scrap her legacy by doing away with the brand.

- Speaking of which, I remember the time daughter #2, Jackie, asked me why Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben slept in separate cupboards. (True!)

*****

Apple is closing eleven stores around the country after a surge in Coronavirus cases.

- So apparently an Apple a day WON’T keep the Virus away.

*****

A new study found that exercising too much may shorten your life span.

- If the reverse it true, Micheal Moore will be around for another hundred years!

*****

A British man was busted at the Brussels Airport for carrying a fake penis that was filled with cocaine.

- To add to his humiliation, the Flight Attendant said the penis was “Small enough to fit in the pocket of the seatback in front of him”.

*****

The AMC Theater Chain has reversed its position and will now require all moviegoers to wear a mask when theaters open in July.

- So let me get this straight… we buy the popcorn, put in in the mask, put the mask on and graze during the movie??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

A survey by Omaha Steaks found that 68% of men admit to feeling more like their father with each passing year.

- Another survey found that Bruce Jenner feels more like his mother every year.

*****

“Tiz The Law” won the 152nd running of the Belmont Stakes in New York Saturday.

- Since his name includes “Law”… I guess now we can expect a “Defund the Horse” movement.

*****

Teenage Tik Tok Users are claiming responsibility for the low turnout at Prez Trump’s rally by purposely reserving tickets and then not showing up.

- I always thought “Tik Tok’s” were those the little mints in plastic containers some women carry at the bottom of their purse.

*****

Trump is under fire for referring to the Coronavirus as the “Kung Flu,” which some say is racist.

- Everybody is “Kung Flu Fighting” about it.

*****

Over the weekend, protesters tore down statues of Union Leader Ulysses S. Grant and “Star Spangled Banner” writer Francis Scott Key.

- How long until somebody claims that Lady Liberty is racist because she’s white and “put herself up on a pedestal”??

*****

A wildlife photographer caught a rare picture of a Humpback Whale’s massive ten foot penis off the coast of Australia.

- Reminds me of a book by Herman Melville I had to read in high school… I just can’t remember the name!!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick

To the over 150,000 of you who responded to the news of my marriage, Donna and I can’t begin to thank you enough for all of your kind comments about our Wedding last weekend! They meant the world to us! And in case you were wondering… We’re going to enjoy being married for a while before we start trying to have children!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

And now… on with the news!

*****

Democrat insiders say Elizabeth Warren, who turns 71 on Monday, is emerging as the leader on Joe Biden’s short list for VP even though he is under pressure to pick a Black Woman.

- Apparently Elizabeth assured Joe that as “Chief”, she has the power to change herself from “Indian” to “Black”.

- Warren is favored by 57% of voters according to a new Totem Poll.

*****

Ford says it’s decision to unveil the new Bronco on July 9th - OJ SIMPSON’s BIRTHDAY - is a “complete coincidence”.

- If you want a test drive just call Ford and ask for Al Cowlings.

- Car experts say the new Bronco can go from Zero to 25 in under 6 seconds!!

*****

A growing number of airlines are banning alcoholic drink sales because of Coronavirus concerns.

- If you still want to drink, you’ll have to bring your own. You know… Like the Pilots do.

*****

It’s been 3 months since he was diagnosed with COVID-19 - Prince Charles says his sense of smell and taste hasn’t come back.

- This explains why he’s been raving about British food.

*****

Chuck E. Cheese is said to be on the brink of filing for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

- Apparently they don’t have enough tokens to pay all their bills.

*****

A new poll found that Americans are the unhappiest they’ve been in the past fifty years.

- Why?? Is something going on??

*****

14,000 people have signed a “Change.Org” petition to replace Tennessee’s Confederate Monuments with Bronze statues of DOLLY PARTON.

- As soon as the news broke… They ran out of Bronze.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

You may have heard by now… I had kind of a big weekend. I got married! Her name is Donna and she is a very wonderful lady.

Let me back up a bit. When I lost Gail back in 2018 - I was devastated. We were married for 60 years - together for 65. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

In my attempt to “get out more” (everyone kept telling me to do that) I ended up having lunch with a lady that Gail and I had known from “back in the day” as the kids say. That lady was Donna.

She was kind, funny and understanding. And - it occurred to me as time went on - she was pretty darn good looking too! Lunches turned to dinners and, well… you can figure out the rest.

We got married this past Saturday at my house with our combined kids (Six daughters for me, one for her), their husbands, our grandkids (10 in all!) and some of our closest friends cheering us on.

It was a fabulous day - great weather, great food, great music, great people! The only thing that could have made it better would have been a Wedding Night that didn’t require staying 6 away from each other!

To be honest, this is not something I ever imagined happening at this stage of my life (You know, being 49 and all) but I’m so grateful that it did!

See you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

President Trump celebrated his 74th Birthday Sunday.

- He opened gifts and had cake… after making a wish and blowing out the flames on a Police car.

*****

Are you ready kids??? CNN is reporting that a cryptic Gay Pride Tweet sent out by Nickelodeon is proof that Spongebob Square Pants is Gay.

- In a related story, they’re reporting that his brother Spongebob No Pants is a Nudist.

*****

HEADLINE OF THE DAY:

Poland Accidentally INVADES Czech Republic in “MINOR MISUNDERSTANDING”.

- If only people were so understanding back in 1939 we could have avoided the whole World War II thing.

*****

According to a new poll, you start becoming your father at age 37… with 1 in 4 saying they now grunt when getting off the couch and 1 in 5 say they get annoyed when someone in the family changes the thermostat.

- I knew I was becoming more like my Dad when my nostrils and eyebrows started getting bigger.

*****

Health Officials in Houston are considering a second lockdown after an increase in Coronavirus cases.

- Remember the good old days when we had NASA COUNTDOWNS in Houston instead of LOCKDOWNS??

*****

North Carolina Police are looking to arrest a man who’s been running naked on public jogging trails.

- Not because he’s naked but because he’s not wearing a Mask.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Trump Campaign announced that they’ll go back to holding rallies in two weeks.

- They’ve already started handing out red hats embroidered with “Make Masks Great Again”.

*****

1,000 protesters toppled a Christopher Columbus statue and threw it in a lake in Virginia.

- If Chris was alive today, I’ll bet he’d be wishing the Earth had been flat after all.

*****

Activists and Protestors are calling for the wildly popular Kid’s cartoon “Paw Patrol” to be cancelled because it “Portrays Police in a good light”.

- And there’s always the chance that “Dora the Explorer” was friends with Columbus.

*****

A CNN contributor called for the removal of the Washington and Jefferson Monuments because they were slave owners.

- Yes they were in the 1700’s.... But is she also aware that Washington and Jefferson were responsible for creating the system of Government that allows her to go on TV and say that their statues should be torn down??

*****

NYC Officials are encouraging residents to wear masks while having sex to stop the spread of COVID-19.

- They got the idea from the pics Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner used to send to his 15 year girlfriends.

*****

A survey of 2,000 British Couples found that 1 in 5 men have ended a relationship over their partner’s bathroom habits.

- Ladies… Are you gonna Stand for this??

*****

“Looney Tunes” announced that Elmer Fudd will no longer carry a Shotgun in the cartoon to “protect kids from the image of guns”.

- If they’re worried about damaging kids… how about making Donald Duck wear some Pants??

*****

A woman in the UK who competed in the “Miss Hitler Pageant” was arrested for being tied to a terror group.

- Well there goes her chances of winning “Miss Congeniality”.

- Her duties will now be fulfilled by the Runner Up… “Miss Mussolini”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Happy Birthday to Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Phillip who is 99 today!!!

- Wow. 99 years of doing that special “Royal Wave”. It’s a wonder he doesn’t have Crownal Tunnel Syndrome.

*****

It’s not just humans who are packin’ on the pounds during the coronavirus quarantine - According to a new survey 33% of cats and dogs have put on extra weight.

- They call it the CANINE-19.

- The dog breed that’s gained the most weight? Chow Chows.

*****

Paramount has cancelled the TV series “Cops” after 37 seasons because of the protests.

- Look for a reboot of the series to air on CNN called “Defund the Cops”.

*****

The restaurant review website YELP.com put out a list of the most-ordered delivery item in each State during the Pandemic. #1 in Michigan is Bubble Tea.

- Which begs the question, What is “Bubble Tea”?? Maybe it’s what Micheal Jackson’s pet monkey “Bubbles” used to drink.

*****

According to new research, 81% of Americans said music has helped them cope during the COVID-19 Pandemic - with people listening to an average of 38 minutes a day.

- Which is about right if you listen to “Stairway to Heaven” and “MacArthur Park” back to back.

*****

Music Insiders believe Kim Kardashian was behind Kanye West’s decision to donate $2 million dollars to Black Lives Matter.

- I’m pretty sure Kim’s Behind everything Kanye does.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick