The local ABC TV station in Chicago is red-faced after they put up a graphic reading "P.F. Chang 2018" instead of "Pyongchang 2018" while an anchor read a story about the Olympics. 

- It was embarrassing, but to be honest, P.F. Chang's Kung Pao Chicken is Medal worthy.

- And "Tempura Calamari" sounds like the name of a Japanese Figure Skater. 

*****

It's Fat Tuesday! 

- The day set aside to gorge on Paczkis and binge watch "My 600 Pound Life". 

*****

The official portrait of former President Obama unveiled at the Smithsonian's National Portrait Gallery Monday has raised a lot of eyebrows; It looks like the artist gave him a 6th finger.  

- Which is most likely pointed at a nearby portrait of Donald Trump. 

*****

An Arizona women who went to sleep with a bad headache woke up with a British Accent. Doctors say it's a real medical condition called "Foreign Accent Syndrome".  

- The first documented case was a Ms. Meryl Streep. 

*****

RIP... Art Van Elslander, the founder of Art Van, has died at the age of 87. In addition to his furniture empire, Van Elslander was a well known philanthropist. 

- In a very classy move, Gardner White is flying all of it's "Greatest Sale In Our History" flags at half mast. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

DON'T FORGET... The 31st Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Program which feeds & shelters thousands of men, women and children everyday, 365 days a year, is one week from this Friday... Feb. 23rd! The 16-hour event will be held at the Emagine Theater in Novi and will be broadcast live from 6am to 10pm on 760 WJR AM! I'll host the last four hours along with Big Al, my daughters Jackie and JoAnne, & Kevin O'Neil. We'll also have some special guest stars and "Best Of" bits from my Radio show! I hope you'll tune in and give to this great cause! You can even donate NOW by going to @salmich.org! 

As always, Thanks!

-Dick 

RED GERARD!!! Congrats to the 17 year old US Slope Style Snow Boarder who took the OLYMPIC GOLD over the weekend! What an AMAZING performance!!!

*****

CNN is taking heat for running a glowing piece on Kim Jong Un's baby sister (and head of North Korea's Propaganda Dept.) saying she is "stealing the show!" at the Olympics. 

- Politics aside, it's amazing that the same parents who produced her brother FATSO Jong Un, also gave us this Communist Cutie!  

*****

Mirai Nagasu became an overnight sensation by becoming the first American woman to land a triple axel at the Olympics. Tonya Harding landed one in a competition, but not the Olympics. 

- Tonya said, the hoopla surrounding Nagasu's achievement is just "a knee-jerk reaction".

*****

The #MeToo movement has spawned a cultural shift - with thousands of women expected to "pop the question" to their boyfriends this Valentine's Day. 

- It's about time SHE went to Jared! 

*****

A golf course in Oregon will soon give Golfers the options of renting Goats as their Caddies. 

- I don't know if this is gonna work. Most people golf to get away from the "Kids". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

IMPORTANT! The 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon that raises funds to feed more than 4000 people a day and shelter around 500 people a night - is less than two weeks away! It will be held on Friday, Feb 23, from 6am to 10pm LIVE from the IMAX section of the Emagine Theater in Novi. All 16 hours will be carried on 760 WJR AM. Big Al, Jackie and I will be manning the microphone for the final four hours as we take your donations for this incredible feeding and sheltering program! You can even donate now by going to @salmich.org. Thanks in advance for your support!!! 

-Dick 

It's National Dry Bean Day! 

- The day when bean lovers everywhere toot their own horn. 

*****

Sports Illustrated is coming out with a special issue in support of the #MeToo movement... featuring naked female models with words of empowerment written on their bodies. 

- Yup. Nothing says "Don't Objectify Me" like the words "Don't Objectify Me" scrawled in magic marker on your bare boobs. 

*****

Police in Scotland successfully ended a 45-minute stand-off with a Tiger... after finding out it was a little girl's stuffed animal. 

- She won it at a fair and left it outside in her Scotland Yard. 

*****

An outbreak of the Norovirus and below zero wind-chills have the Olympics in chaos before they've even held the Opening Ceremonies.  

- On the bright side it's given rise to a new sport: Frozen Projectile Vomiting. 

***** 

A Florida college student says she was forced to flush her "Support Hamster" down the toilet after Spirit Airlines refused to let her furry friend "Pebbles" board the plane. 

- I feel bad for the hamster... But if someone needs a "Support Hamster"... THEY'RE the one who shouldn't be allowed to fly. 

*****

A new study found that 100 Germans every year die while... um... "pleasuring themselves". 

- Another 500 or so stop as soon as they go blind. 

*****

An elementary school in Staten Island, NY has cancelled it's "Daddy Daughter Dinner Dance" because it's "not inclusive" enough.

- Instead they'll have a "My Daddy Identifies as A Mommy Daughter Dinner Dance".

- Soon all weddings will be cancelled, because the guests don't feel as special as the Bride and Groom. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

NOTE: The 31st Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Club Feeding and Sheltering program is just two weeks from tomorrow, Friday, Feb. 23! The 16 hour event is the ONLY fundraiser of the year for this incredible program that feeds over 4000 people a day and shelters over 500 men, women & children every night. (They'll really be jammed tonight with upwards of 7" of snow expected!). It will be broadcast LIVE on WJR 760 AM from 6 in the morning until 10 that night... with Jackie, Big Al and I hosting the 6pm to 10pm slot! You can even donate NOW by clicking on @salmich.org. and I will let you know the phone number to call as soon as it's up and running! Thanks so much for your support! 

-Dick

American Coney Island is bringing back last year's hit: "Paczki Coney's" for  Fat Tuesday next week. Each hot dog, covered in chili, mustard & onions snuggled in a sugary donut bun will set you back 5 bucks. 

- Just make sure you get it with a DIET Coke and you're good to go. 

- Fries are extra... but the Heart Attack is FREE! 

*****

Hooter's is trying to help singles mend their broken hearts by offering 10 free wings (with the purchase of 10) to anyone who brings in a pic of their ex and rips it up at the restaurant. 

- Ironically, most of the guys ex's dumped 'em because they went to Hooter's in the first place. 

*****

Kim Jong Un has sent 200 cheerleaders to the Olympics in matching red outfits. 

- They're good, but the Egyptian cheerleaders still make the best Pyramids. 

*****

The top Dem on the House Intelligence Committee, Trump-foe Adam Schiff was pranked by two Russian radio show hosts who called him last Spring and offered up naked pics of the Prez allegedly taken by a woman he slept with.

- In Russia, this is known as a "Putin Call".

- The guys were part of the morning show "Vlad Putin and Putin's People".  

*****

Barbra Streisand is in talks to star in a Netflix show about politicians. 

- The first episode will be called, "Bill Clinton: You Don't Bring Me Gennifer Flowers Anymore". 

*****

Two women claim that Richard Dreyfuss grabbed their butts backstage at a Broadway show in 2004 - and they've got pics.

- You can find out the whole story in the new movie, "Mr. Holland Groped Us".

*****

SAVE THE DATE! The 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radionthon is just a little over two weeks away - on Friday Feb. 23rd! All 16 hours - from 6am to 10pm - will be broadcast LIVE on 760 WJR AM. Jackie, Big Al and I will be back behind the mics for the final four hours so I hope you'll tune in... and more importantly... Donate to the feeding and sheltering Bed & Bread Program! You can even donate NOW @salmich.org! Thanks!

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Are you ready for this?? Doritos is developing "Lady-friendly chips" for women who don't enjoy the loud crunch of traditional Doritos. 

- Just when women find their voice... Doritos is trying to Silence their snacks!

- Here it comes... The #MeChew movement.

- Okay, but they better not mess with my Cheetos!

*****

Investors are on edge after the Stock Market fell a whopping 1175 points yesterday. 

- There hasn't been that big a drop since Michael Moore's boobs hit the floor when he took off his Manziere. 

*****

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took PC to new heights yesterday when he told a woman at a Town Hall Meeting to say "Peoplekind" instead of "Mankind" because it's "more inclusive". 

- He then left to give a speech in the Province of Person-a-toba. 

*****

The National Weather Service sent out a Tsunami Warning for the entire East Coast of the US this morning, but they forgot to mention that it was just a "practice test". 

- Sending out fake tsunami and missile warnings has become the "Ice Bucket Challenge" of 2018. 

*****

Officials in South Korea have called in almost 1000 military troops to take over for Olympic Security Staff members who have been sidelined with a virus causing intestinal distress. 

- It's so contagious, Athletes now have the chance to win Gold, Silver, Bronze and Porcelain. 

*****

The North Korean Olympic Hockey Team lost their first scrimage game against Sweden 3 to 1. 

- On the bright side, since they didn't lose an actual Medal Event, Kim Jong Un just maimed the players instead of killing them. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

DON'T FORGET! The 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon is coming up on Friday, February 23rd! It'll be broadcast live from 6am to 10pm on WJR 760 AM! Jackie, Big Al and I will host the last four hours. Hope you'll tune in and Donate! 

Congratulations to the Eagles who toppled Tom Brady and the Patriots 41-33 to win Super Bowl LII. Incredbile game... but the Eagles were ON FIRE! 

- As were several cars in the streets of Philadelphia, thanks to tens of thousands of drunken fans. 

NOTE: Both Tom Brady, and Brandon Graham, the Eagles player who sealed the deal by knocking the ball out of Brady's hand BOTH PLAYED FOR MICHIGAN!!! 

*****

Social Media lit up as Giselle Bunchen was caught on camera chugging red wine during her husband Tom Brady's crushing defeat. 

- Feel as bad as you want for Tom... He lost, but he still got to go home with a tispy Super Model. 

*****

Snow and bitter temps caused scores of Metro-Detroit schools to close today. 

- Which worked out great: The kids were snowed-in this morning after their parents got plowed last night. 

*****

If you're one of the 14 million Americans skipping work today on what's known as "Super Sick Monday" beware: 33% of employers admit they'll ask for a doctors note to prove you've got the flu and not a hangover.

- Unfortunately, chances are good your Doctor called in sick with "the flu" too. 

*****

Fans of Prince were less than impressed with Justin Timberlake's gigantic Hologram tribute to the late Minnesota native claiming that Prince didn't even like the Timberman. 

- In other words, they were hoping for a giant screen shot of Janet Jackson's boob.

*****

Comedian Kevin Hart tried to jump onstage during the MVP presentation, then crashed the NBC broadcast set, grabbed a mic, admitted he was drunk, and dropped the "F" bomb on live TV before walking away. 

- This kind of thing never happens at the end of "The Masters" golf tournament. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

CBS's "48 Hours" announced that Robert Wagner is now a "person of interest" in the drowning death of his then-wife Natalie Wood back in 1981. 

- Police say they won't interogate Wagner, but will bring him in for a "Hart to Hart". 

- "RJ" says he's okay with the murder allegations... he's just happy he's not being accused of sexual harassment. 

*****

California Congresswoman Maxine Waters is calling for TV stations to run a Parental Warning whenever Prez Trump appears on The Tube reading: "This may be may not be acceptable for children".

- In a related story, she wants every show on CNN marked "Must See TV!!!" 

- Trump Tweeted: "Maxine should be BANNED from being on TV... Except for Halloween!!! Scary!!!"

*****

Roseanne Barr admitted that she suffered from several nervous breakdowns during the 90’s.

- Finally... a Hollywood type who admits to breaking down mentally BEFORE Trump became President.

*****

Tom Brady claims the key to staying healthy is drinking half your body weight in ounces of water every day (in his case, 37 glasses) - but dieticians warn his hydration formula could kill an average person. 

- And it could turn Michael Moore into a Cruise Ship. 

*****

Michelle Obama told Ellen DeGeneres that the "mystery gift" that incoming First Lady Melania Trump gave her during the Innauguration last year was a "lovely frame". 

- And to return the kindness, in a nice gesture, the Obama's have been trying to "frame" the Trumps for colluding with the Russians ever since. 

*****

90-year-old Edward Gouin and 89-year-old Lena Gouin renewed their vows Saturday in celebration of their 70th Wedding Anniversary. 

- A family member said in keeping with tradition, the Blushing Bride "Married something old (her husband), and wore something new (Her left hip)". 

- The happy couple said the wedding night would have been "unforgetable" had either of them been able to remember it. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Tom Hanks has inked a deal to play "Mr. Rogers" in the upcoming biopic "You Are My Friend". 

- In related news, rumor has it that Harvey Weinstein in in talks to play "Mr. McFeely". 

*****

President Trump goes Prime Time tonight with his first official State of the Union Address. 

- The only thing we know for sure is that it will be a lot less political than last Sunday's Grammys. 

*****

84 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will NOT attend the 9pm Address. 

- Two reasons: One, she hates Trump. And two, there's a "Matlock" marathon on the Hallmark Channel. 

*****

Critics of the Prez are mocking him after tickets inviting guests to his speech had to be reissued after a misprint reading: "Address to the Congress on the State of the UNIOM."

- Trump Tweeted: "Spelling Error! Big Deal! What's all the Covfefe about??? SAD!"

*****

Amazon is getting into the health care biz, announcing it will create a more affordable option later this year. 

- And if you've got prime, you can get a Colonoscopy for FREE in just two days! 

*****

Piers Morgan told Kim Kardashian to "Put them away!" after she posted another topless shot of herself on Instagram. 

- In Kim's defense, she says she was just trying to show support for the "#MyTwo" movement. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

DON'T FORGET! This year's 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up on Friday, Feb. 23rd, broadcast from A NEW LOCATION... the Emagine Theater in NOVI. You can hear all 16 hours LIVE on 760 AM WJR! 

Los Angeles will reportedly make Hugh Hefner's old home - the Playboy Mansion - a "Historic-Cultural Monument" within 30 days. 

- Visitors will receive a map of the bedrooms and a free shot of penicillin. 

*****

Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA has died at the age of 91. 

- The burial has been put off by two weeks to give his undertaker time to figure out how to assemble the casket the family purchased from IKEA. 

*****

A study at a high school in NYC found that 83% of students admit to cheating on tests. 

- And of the 83%, 75% admitted they paid someone else to take the survey for them. 

*****

President Trump and rapper Jay Z are in a war of words with Trump reminding Z that Black unemployment is at an all time low, after Z criticized the Prez for his "S---hole" countries comments.  

- Kanye West joined the fight, tweeting that "Beyonce is responsible for the best Black Employment rate of all time!" 

*****

Airlines are complaining that more and more people are faking papers that document their pooches as "Support Dogs" so they can bring their furry friends into the cabin on flights. 

- This is how Greyhound got started. 

*****

An 89 year old woman whose been dubbed the "World's Oldest Supermodel" just became the face of a new line of Mascara. 

- Her husband is also a model, often appearing on the cover of the AAR-I-Get-Up-Ten-Times-A-Night-To-Pee Magazine. 

*****

SAVE THE DATE! The 31st Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Program is coming up on Friday, February 23rd! Details (including the NEW location) tomorrow! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

An overly excited contestant knocked "The Price Is Right" host Drew Carey off the stage after correctly guessing the price of a Treadmill.

- The is the first time a game show host has been injured since Pat Sajak sprained his wrist giving The Wheel "a final spin". 

- She took the "Come on Down" line a little too seriously. 

*****

A judge sentenced MSU gymnastic coach Larry Nassar to 40 to 175 years in prison for sexually abusing scores of young girls. 

- The way other prisoners treat predators like him, Nassar will be lucky to make it to lunch.

*****

A woman is claiming that magician David Copperfield drugged and sexually assaulted her back in 1988. 

- I'm pretty sure if he can make the Statue of Liberty dissappear, he can make this go away. 

*****

Cher took a swipe at WH Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders in a Tweet imploring her to "Stop dressing like a 'Sister Wife'" - a reference to the women who marry polygamists and wear "Little House on the Prairie" like clothing. 

- Hey Cher... at least Sarah WEARS clothing. 

*****

Scientists hosting an outdoor conference in Davos, Switzerland on the dangers of Global Warming, found themselves nearly buried beneath 6 feet of snow yesterday.   

- Nice to see them shoveling something other than predictions about The End of The World. 

*****

A cab driver in West Virginia turned in a man he unknowingly drove to and from a bank robbery after seeing the thief's pics on TV. 

- This is why you always take Uber to rob a bank! The driver won't turn you in, he'll just demand half the money you stole. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

A Florida motorist was so drunk that he mistook a Bank of America drive-up lane for a Taco Bell and tried to order a burrito from a teller.

- Surprising, since most people think of Taco Bell as a gas station, not a bank.

*****

Rumor has it that Elton John is set to announce that he's giving up touring so he'll be available to drive his 5 and 7 year old sons to and from school. 

- He'll be the only guy in the pick up line wearing a Duck suit. 

*****

An unnamed "informant" has confirmed that there was a "Secret Anti-Trump Society" within the FBI during and after the election. 

- I think the most shocking part of this story is that they call it a SECRET Anti-Trump Society. 

*****

San Francisco has officially changed "Columbus Day" to "Indiginous People Day" in a nod to Native Americans who were here before America was "discovered". 

- No matter what they call it, it's still the best day of the year to get half-off a memory foam mattress. 

*****

A female railroad conductor in Canada has been fired for taking sexy pics of herself on the train tracks and posting them on social media. 

- Apparently she showed off a little too much of her Caboose. 

*****

Mexican Drug Lord "El Chapo" is asking a Judge not to sequester the Jurors during his upcoming trial, saying he promises "not to kill them". 

- Works for me!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Sad news... 76 year old Neil Diamond has announced that he's been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and has given up touring. He holds the record for the most sold-out concert appearances ever at the Palace of Auburn Hills. 

*****

Bill Cosby, who faces another sexual abuse trial this Spring, hopped on stage at a club in Philidelphia and did stand-up last night. 

- Luckily for the women in the audience, the drinks were "On the House" and not on Cosby's nightstand. 

*****

Speaking of being "Slipped a Mickey"... Congratulations to Minnie Mouse who finally got a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame - 40 YEARS after her significant other!!! 

- No wonder she was spotted at one of the Women's Protest Marches over the weekend. 

*****

Actress Suzanne Somers admitted that she's a huge fan of President Trump... adding that by owning up to that, she's probably "committing career suicide". 

- I thought she committed "career suicide" when she did those ads for "The Thigh Master". 

*****

The NFL is coming under fire for rejecting a Veterans' Group Super Bowl ad encouraging players to stand up for the National Anthem. 

- So it's official: Football is no longer a game of inches, it's a game of politics. 

*****

The Governor of Hawaii says the reason it took so long to inform people that the recent missile alert was a false alarm was becasue he forgot his Twitter Password. 

- He should try using "Kim Jong Un" as his password... He wouldn't forget that one. 

*****

A Tsunami warning has been cancelled after an almost 8 point earthquake rattled Alaska overnight. 

- Experts say the quake was centered under an Alaskan Cruise Ship and was triggered when a vacationing Michael Moore hit the Midnight Buffet. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

One of the big trends at Men's Fashion Week in Paris were thigh-high fur lined Ugg boots. 

- Now I know where the name "Ugg" came from. 

*****

It's day three of the Government Shut-Down... meaning "non-essential government workers" have the day off. 

- Isn't the term "Non-Essential Government Workers" redundant?  

*****

Stormy Daniels, the porn star who claims she slept with Prez Trump in 2006 kicked off her "Make America Horny Again" tour at a strip club in S. Carolina on Saturday. 

- And just like Trump, only 30% of the people approved of the her job performance on the poles. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's kids "Saint" and "North" have a new little sister that their Mom and Dad named "Chicago". 

- They were gonna go with "Sally" but they didn't want her getting teased for having a weird name.  

*****

Over 2 million women participated in Women's marches around the country on Saturday, including Jane Fonda who spoke at a rally in Utah. 

- And then hawked her old work out videos off the back of a Viet Cong Anti-Aircraft Gun.  

*****

Some criticized Caitlyn Jenner for skipping the Women's March to vaction in Mexico instead. 

- Caitlyn tweeted, "YOU try Marching in size 14 Heels!"

*****

It's National ANSWER Your Cat's Questions Day. 

- And tomorrow is National ASK Your Cat a Question Day... for instance, "What's with the attitude???" 

*****

Have  a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

In his new memoir, Nick Nolte claims Barbra Streisand fell in love with him and always 'wanted him naked' while filming The Prince of Tides.

- I mean take a look at that picture... Can you blame her?? 

*****

CNN was the big winner when President Trump announced his "Fake News Awards" yesterday... winning 4 out of 11 stories cited. 

- CNN claims they only won so many of the "Fakies" because the Russians colluded with Trump to affect the outcome. 

*****

Despite a clean bill of health from his physician, CNN medical analyst Sanjay Gupta declared Trump to be “borderline obese", said he "suffers from heart disease" and predicted he would have a heart attack in “3-5 Years”. 

- Trump immediately "predicted" that Gupta would be deported in "3-5 Months".  

*****

Amazon announced the top 20 finalist cities for its second headquarters this morning... and Detroit did not make the cut. 

- Luckily we'll get the rejection letter in just two days for FREE because Mayor Duggan has Prime. 

*****

The best-selling anti-Trump book "Fire and Fury" is going to be made into a TV series. 

- Alec Baldwin may play Trump, but producers can't decide whether to give the Steve Bannon role to Michael Moore or Rosie O'Donnell. 

*****

Experts say that a one-pound piece of the metal laced meteor that crashed in our area earlier this week could net a lucky finder a cool million bucks. 

- I don't usually pull out my metal detector, black socks & sandals until summer, but hey, when opportunity knocks! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Meteorologists believe the bright lights and big boom seen and heard a little after 8pm in Metro Detroit last night was a "Bolide" - a meteor that explodes in the atmosphere. 

- I just thought it was my neighbors finally doing the finale to the fireworks they've been setting off every night since the 4th of July. 

*****

Yesterday, the Prez's doctor said that despite eating a lot of McDonald's and KFC, Trump is in "excellent physical health" due to "genetics", and that he aced a mental competency test with a score of 30 out of 30. 

- And this guy should know... he's been Trump's Pediatrician since he got his very first booster shot. 

*****

Reporters asked questions including "Does he have a drug addiction?" and "Does the President wear dentures?". ("No" on both, btw).

- Trump immediately tweeted: "Now FAKE NEWS implying I have FAKE TEETH! SAD!"

*****

North and South Korea officially announced that their Olympic teams will March together under a united flag during next month's Opening Ceremonies. 

- There hasn't been a "relationship" so manufactured for the cameras since Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie Presley. 

*****

A 50-something Frenchwoman is on trial for seducing and poisoning 4 wealthy elderly men to get their cash.

- The gents said they knew they were being scammed, but did what comes naturally to Frenchmen: They surrendered.

*****

IKEA has a new ad in a Swedish newspaper that doubles as a pregnancy test. Women just have to "tinkle" on the ad and give it to the cashier who will announce the results.

- This gives a whole new meaning to "Clean Up in Aisle 3".

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

An adult humpback whale is free after marine biologists removed 285 feet of braided rope from it's mouth. 

- The whale said, "So much for dental flossing". 

*****

Medical researchers are warning that stifling a sneeze can rupture your throat, burst an eardrum, or pop a blood vessel in your brain. 

- To those who figured this out, I say God Bless You! 

- The only thing more dangerous is sneezing on someone who doesn't buy your story:  "I'm not sick... It's just allergies". 

*****

20 years ago this week, America learned about the affair between Bill & Monica.

- The traditional 20th Anniversary gift for this sort of thing is a box of cigars. 

- 75% people didn't believe Bill when he said, "I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinsky",  but 100% believed him when he said "I did not have sex with that woman... Hillary Clinton",  last week. 

*****

CNN broadcast the word "S---hole" 195 times in a 24 hour period vs. zero on ABC & Fox. NBC said the "S" word once.  

- Trump immediately tweeted "CNN SAD! What a bunch of A--holes!"

*****

Twitter insiders claim the company employs 400 workers to look at and save all users sex pics and tweets, then sells info about their "interests" to the highest bidder. 

- 400 sounds like a lot until you realize that 399 of them are responsible for collecting pics from Anthony Weiner. 

*****

An app called "Natural Cycles" that claims to be 'as effective as the pill' has been reported to Swedish authorities after 37 women claim they ended up pregnant. 

- This is what happens when you rely on birth control you bought with your iTunes account. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Hawaiian residents and tourists spen 38 minutes in terror after an emergency Tweet was accidentally sent out saying that the Islands were about to be hit by a nuclear missile. 

- Most people found out about it on their phones, but Gilligan and the Skipper didn't know until they heard the news bulletin on the radio the Professor made out of a coconut. 

*****

The Hawaiian government employee who accidentally sent the impending doom tweet has been "reassigned". 

- So now, if you want to get shocked by an alert on your phone you'll have to follow President Trump on Twitter. 

*****

Kim Jong Un's BFF Dennis Rodman was arrested for drunk driving in California Saturday night. 

- The two of them were thousands of miles apart, but both spent their weekends talking about getting bombed. 

*****

A prankster projected the word "S---hole" onto Prez. Trumps Washington, D.C. hotel Saturday night to protest Trump's using the word to describe Haiti. 

- What was Trump thinking? This would have been the perfect time to use "Covfefe". 

*****

Hooters is now offering home delivery of their Chicken Wings. 

- For no extra charge, each order comes with two breasts. 

*****

According to new research, most women want to look like they're 37. 

- And if you don't believe 'em, just take a look at the "current" profile pictures of 50-year-old women on Match.com. 

*****

Today, of course, is Martin Luther King Jr. Day!  I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Billionaire investor Warren Buffet told CNBC he has no interest in having a smartphone and is sticking with his low-tech flip-phone. 

- So basically I'm the same person as Warren Buffet... except for the "Billionaire investor" part. 

*****

The author of the new book "Fire & Fury" claims that Donald and Melania are the first Presidential couple to sleep in separate bedrooms since John and Jackie Kennedy.

- Three words: Bill and Hillary.

*****

Harvey Weinstein and his wife Georgina have filed for divorce. 

- Why? Did he do something to upset her??

*****

Immigration agents raided one hundred 7-Eleven stores around the country in an effort to crack down on illegal hiring. 

- 21 illegal workers were apprehended. Along with three hot dogs which have been "on the roller" since 2008.

*****

Jay Leno says that Trump has made late nite TV "depressing" and that it was more fun to make jokes about "Bush being dumb and Clinton being horny". 

- I thought according to a lot of people, Trump is BOTH. 

*****

The married stars of "My 600 Pound Life", 714 lb. Lee Sutton and his 542 lb. wife Rena Kiser announced that they'd lost enough weight so they had sex for the first time.

- Or at least they THINK they did.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

LG has unveiled a new 65" TV that can be rolled up like a newspaper and put away when you're not watching it. 

- Even better, you can take it into the bathroom with you, unroll it,  and watch "Game of Thrones". 

*****

A survey by the Commerce Department is predicting a surge in Construction jobs in late 2018. 

- Sounds like it's time for the Village People to make a comeback. 

*****

NYC held it's annual "Pantsless Subway Ride" yesterday. 

- Anthony Weiner spent the day in his prison cell under a 24-hour Suicide Watch. 

*****

After tense talks, officials announced that North Korean athletes will travel to South Korea to compete in the upcoming Olympics there. 

- The games don't start until February, but Kim Jong Un claims North Korea has already taken the Gold, Silver and Bronze in every event. 

*****

Some Historians are upset about President Obama's plans to include a yoga studio, basketball court and "test kitchen" in his Presidential Library set to open in Chicago in 2021.

- Obama poo-pooed the critics saying, "If I like my yoga studio, basketball court and test kitchen, I can KEEP my yoga studio, basketball court and test kitchen." 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Sunday Night's Golden Globes was awash in actresses dressed in black to protest sexual harassment, and speeches saying that women must be heard. 

- Bill Clinton applauded the move, adding that even in Black, "those chicks looked HOT". 

*****

Social media went crazy with support after host Seth Meyers floated the idea of Oprah running for President in 2020. 

- And unlike with Obama... if Oprah promises everyone a new car, we'll probably get it! 

- Oprah said she was bowled over by the support, but mad at herself for using up a weeks worth of Weight Watcher points on hor d'oeurves at the post-party. 

*****

President Trump responded to criticisms of his mental health over the weekend by tweeting, "I'm like, really smart. A very stable genius". 

- It reminds me of Einstein's famous quote:  "E = like, MC Squared".

*****

A psychiatrist from Yale University claims that Trump - although she's never met him - "may lead to the extinction of the Human species". 

- Wait... I thought Global Warming was going to do that? I just read about it while huddling under a blanket to fight off the -25 degree wind chill. 

*****

It's Kim Jong Un's Birthday! The madman of North Korea turn 34 today. 

- He'll celebrate with a nuclear missile launch before heading over to Chuck E. Cheese for a pizza party. 

- He wanted a Bouncy House, but he's over the recommended weight limit. 

*****

It's National Show and Tell at Work Day!

- Or as Matt Lauer and Harvey Weinstein used to call it: Monday.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick