The FBI has been brought in to investigate a couple who were having sex in their seats during a Delta flight from LA to Detroit over the weekend. 

- Passengers who witnessed it, say they now have tons of "emotional baggage"... which of course Delta is going to charge them for. 

- The man's tray table wasn't the only thing in it's full and upright position. 

*****

The Dodgers 3-1 win over the Astros last night has forced a decisive Game 7 tonight. Verlander pitched well, but came up short and took the loss in what has been a crazy World Series.

- The only thing crazier would be if the Tigers were one of the teams playing. 

*****

Serious XM announced that it will feature 8 different Holiday Music Channels... from Traditional to Pop to Country, with two of them launching today. 

- Nothing will motivate you to get that pumpkin off your porch like listening to "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". 

- The Country Christmas Channel will kick off it's programming with "I'll Be Home For Christmas... But My Ex Won't, Since She Ran Off With My Best Friend, My Pick Up Truck And My Dog". 

*****

The Senior VP of News at NPR has been put on leave after several women came forward with claims that he made unwanted advances and kissed them during job interviews. 

- But he said, "I'm no Harvey Weinstein... All Things Considered". 

*****

Meanwhile Harvey Weinstein told friends that he believes he was put on earth to be a "Martyr" and "Change the World" in regards to sexual harassment. 

- Harvey's not a "Martyr". He's a "Leper". 

*****

At a Halloween party over the weekend, Kim Kardashian dressed up as Cher with a friend dressed as Sonny Bono by her side. 

- Ironically, Cher dressed up like Kim, and a friend stood behind her dressed as Kim's butt. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

President Trump and Melania hosted a Halloween party for kids at the White House last night. 

- They carved pumpkins with the kids and handed out the usual goodies, but only if the kids said, "Trick or TWEET". 

- Nobody's gonna show up at Robert Mueller's house tonight... the only thing he's handing out is Supoenas. 

- Meanwhile, Bill Clinton just finished carving his annual Jack-O-Intern. 

*****

Candystore.com released the names of the most and least popular Halloween candies. The fav? Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The most disliked treat? Circus Peanuts. 

- FYI... Stop by the Purtan's tonight! Gail and I will be handing out our traditional ladles of piping hot Chunky Beef Soup! 

*****

Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that she's going to dress up as "The President" for Halloween. 

- Let it go Hillary. Let it go.

*****

Netflix has cancelled the hugely popular series "House of Cards" after it's star Kevin Spacey was accused of sexually assaulting an underage actor. 

- He'll be joining the cast of "The Walking Dead". 

*****

A second model is now accusing magician David Blane of groping her. 

- Blane's attorney admitted that the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat, but denied that he pulled anything out of his pants.

*****

Simon Cowell says that the fall he took down the stairs at his home last week was due to "low blood pressure". 

- One of his fellow judges said the "thud" Cowell made when he landed was "enthusiastic...but a little pitchy". 

*****

Have a Happy Halloween and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Tonight is Devil's Night! Or as Hillary Clinton calls it "Another Evening With Donald Trump as President".

*****

74-year-old Mick Jagger is reportedly "romancing" a 22-year-old film producer. 

- For example, Friday he showed up at her apartment with flowers and chocolate. The chocolate was actually Ex-Lax, but it's the thought that counts, right? 

*****

A study by the University of Connecticut found that people who smoke marijuana every day have 20% more sex.  

- No wonder Willie Nelson looks so tired all the time. 

*****

Chinese scientists believe that if Kim Jong Un explodes one more hydrogen bomb inside the mountain he uses to test them, it could destroy the mountain and leak radiation across the border. 

- Why can't Kim be like most 30-year-olds who live in their parents' basements playing video games??? 

*****

A driver has been banned from the Iditarod Dog Sled Race after several of his dogs tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. 

- Officials caught on when they overheard one of the dogs saying, "This is some good Shit Tzu". 

*****

A man who worked to repair homes damaged by Hurricane Harvey has contracted a flesh eating bacteria. 

- And hundreds of women who met with Harvey Weinstein have contracted an STD. 

*****

Have a great day... a BIG Happy Birthday to Daughter #3, Jill... and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Police in Maryland have posted a "Pumpkin Line-Up" pic of stolen Jack-o-Lanterns they recovered from thieves and are asking people to come forward to "Identify" their missing Pumpkins. 

- Huh?

- There hasn't been a pic of something so orange and rotund since the last shot of OJ in prison.

*****

Rosie O'Donnell says that she's not sure she'll "be able to survive" the rest of the Trump Presidency. 

- Relax Rosie. There were a lot of people who didn't think they were going to survive your time on "The View". 

*****

Two actresses have accused former President George H.W. Bush of touching their butts from his wheelchair while telling them his favorite magician is "David Cop-a-Feel". 

-He got the idea from Bill Clinton who used to tell actresses his favorite musical is "Fondler on the Roof". 

*****

Revelations that the Clintons and the DNC paid the Russians to collect dirt on Donald Trump have even some Hillary supporters saying she did exactly what she accused Trump of doing. 

-  Hillary said, "Oops... I guess I forgot to mention all that REALLY happened in my book 'What Happened'". 

*****

New security measures go into effect today for people flying to the United States, including a "brief conversation" with EACH PASSENGER about their luggage and itinerary. 

- And if you can't trust a Terrorist to tell you what's really in his Samsonite, who can you trust? 

*****

79-year-old Kenny Rogers says he's retiring from performing because he "can't do it like he used to anymore". 

- Kenny obviously knows when it's time to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Turns out in addition to Palaces and Royal Jewels, Queen Elizabeth actually owns a McDonald's restaurant outside of London. 

- Poor Prince Charles. He doesn't even get to be The Burger King. 

*****

An investigation has begun after it was revealed that the Clinton Campaign and the DNC paid for the infamous "Anti-Trump Dossier" during the campaign. 

- I'm beginning to think Hillary and the Democrats don't care for Trump. 

*****

A protester threw a Russian flag at President Trump during his appearance at the Capitol yesterday. 

- It went right over his head since he was taking a knee during the Russian National Anthem. 

*****

Time Magazine has named Google the "Most Influential Website of All Time".

- Obviously they've never clicked on dickpurtan.com!

*****

On this day in 1936 a radio station in Berlin broadcast the first call-in request show, called "You Ask - We Play". 

- A Mr. A. Hitler made the first request: the "Let's Invade Poland Polka!"

*****

RIP Fats Domino who has died at the age of 89. Ain't That A Shame. :(

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Tonight is Game One of the World Series and word is, NONE of the Astros or Dodgers will take a knee during the National Anthem.

- In keeping with tradition, they will however, spit tobacco and scratch their groins. 

*****

Psychic Uri Geller says that he was brought in by the CIA to help with the JFK Assassination investigation and that he has held onto "shocking" info for more than 50 years.

- If he's such a great Psychic, wouldn't he have called the CIA BEFORE the assassination???

***** 

A study by the University of Beirut found that giving marijuana to fish will not reduce their stress levels. 

- Researchers said Pot still gave them the munchies but instead of Doritos they all wanted Goldfish. 

*****

A new report revealed that North Korea has been secretly manufacturing biological weapons. 

- Sounds like Kim Jong Un finally cracked open the "Chemistry Set for Jr. Scientists" that Dennis Rodman gave him for his birthday. 

*****

Hillary Clinton will be at Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor tonight as part of the tour for her Election Memoir "What Happened". There are plenty of tickets still available. 

- When she found out it wasn't sold out, she was like, "What Happened?" 

*****

A Yahoo survey found that 74% of young adults prefer to communicate digitally. 

- They say it's quicker than actually "talking" and is known as "Instagram-ification". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

The President of France broke out laughing when his Black Lab was caught on video peeing on the floor during an official meeting. 

- It could have been worse. It could have been a French Poo-dle. 

- In France, it's known as going "Oui Oui". 

*****

Hillary Clinton swore during a TV interview over the weekend calling President Trump's inauguration "Some weird S---".

- She had planned to swear AT the inauguration... Correction: she had planned to be SWORN IN at the inauguration. 

*****

Justin Timberlake, formerly lead singer of N'Sync, will headline the half-time show at Superbowl LII - his third time appearing at the Big Game. 

- At this rate, the only chance the Lions have of appearing in a Super Bowl is if they become a Boy Band. 

*****

Arby's sold sandwiches stacked with deer meat for one day only on Saturday. 

- They were a buck a piece. 

*****

The World Series is set with the Los Angeles Dodgers taking on the Houston Astros. 

- It's fitting since both cities have been hit hard this year by an event called "Harvey". 

*****

Harvey Weinstein announced that he's leaving Sex Rehab but will continue working with doctors. 

- Translation: He will continue PLAYING Doctor with as many Nurses as he can get his hands on.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

OJ Simpson reportedly lost more than 100 pounds during his last two years in prison. 

- He says he didn't mean to lose the weight, but claims Mark Furman planted "Nutrisystem Belly Bloat Buster Shakes" in the prison yard. 

- OJ said it was hard to stick to the diet but "If the Pant's Don't Fit, You Must Commit!"

*****

California is holding it's second "Great ShakeOut" Earthquake Survival Drill today where residents are urged to "drop, cover and hold".

- As opposed to the drill Harvey Weinstein used to conduct by forcing women to "drop, UNcover and hold". 

*****

Twitter blew up yesterday with rumors that Melania Trump is being replaced by a "Body Double" at public appearances. 

- As opposed to Chris Christie, who appears as a "Double Body" every day. 

*****

Arby's will be serving deer meat sandwiches this Saturday for one day only. 

- Arby's... "They Have The Bambi!"

*****

After 18 years and 450 shows, Elton John announced that he's ending his Las Vegas residency in 2018. 

- When asked if he'll be back, the Rocket Man said, "I think it's gonna be a long long time til touchdown brings me round again to Vegas". 

*****

Northern Michigan University in Marquette is offering a Degree in "Marijuana Studies". 

- Students have been High-Fiving each other ever since the news broke. 

- It's great for kids who want to go on to Grad School and Get their LsD. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Tim Horton's is now selling a Buffalo Spice Latte that's made with Espresso and Wing Sauce. 

- It's a great way to wash down their Boneless Chicken Donuts. 

*****

The FBI has confirmed that former director James Comey drafted a letter exonerating Hillary Clinton in the email scandal months before dozens of witnesses - including Hillary - had even testified. 

- The technical term for Comey's actions is "Premature Exoneration". 

*****

Party City is under fire for selling a Halloween Costume that represents Prez Trump's Mexican "Border Wall". 

- On the bright side, the costume is FREE! Trump vows that Mexico will pay for it! 

*****

An elementary school in Boston has canceled the annual Halloween Costume Parade because it's "Not inclusive of all students" and "Politically Incorrect".  

- How can a parade, where you get to dress up like ANYBODY, NOT be inclusive??? 

- Why can't they just be honest and admit the teachers are afraid of clowns? 

*****

A thief posing as a bike messenger stole $58,000 from an Apple Store in New York City. 

- When he gets out of the slammer, he's already got a job waiting for him at the "Genius Bar". 

*****

A new study shows that men who exercise more than 7.5 hours a week actually INCREASE their risk of dying from heart disease. 

- If this is true, Michael Moore is gonna live forever. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

The Clinton Foundation announced that they will NOT return the $250,000 contribution they received from disgraced sexual predator Harvey Weinstein claiming the money has already been spent on "good causes". 

- Translation: Bill is a BIG tipper everytime he goes to Hooters. 

*****

Colin Kaepernick is suing all 32 NFL team owners, claiming they have "colluded" to keep him from getting a job because of his National Anthem Protests. 

- Talk about a "Knee Jerk" reaction. 

*****

A study by the Department of Health found that a record 40% of Americans are now obese. 

- So that's the skinny on that. 

*****

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says he's considering running for President because the country is going through a "Significant Crucible". 

- And nothing can get you through a "Significant Crucible" like an Iced-Half-Caf-Pumpkin-Spice-Latte. 

*****

Harvey Weinstein's wife, who announced that she was leaving last week, has reached out to Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin for help. 

- Meanwhile Harvey "reached out" to grope one of the flight attendants on the plane he took to rehab in Arizona. 

*****

A computer virus is affecting millions of users of the world's most popular porn site, Porn Hub. 

- But unlike the actors in the video, the computers can't be treated with antibiotics. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

The President of Turkmenistan gave Vladimir Putin a puppy for his 65th Birthday. 

- It's an adorable little KGBeagle. 

*****

After his impromtu Anti-Trump rap on the Hip Hop Awards Tuesday night, fans are urging Eminem to run against Kid Rock for the US Senate seat held by Debbie Stabenow.  

- Eminem's campaign slogan would reportedly be "&^$@*&^ Change You Can #$@*&%^ Believe In". 

*****

The Boy Scouts of America announced that they will start allowing girls to join their troops.  

- I'm serious. On my honor! 

- Only a few girls have signed up so far, but the boys are really hoping for S'more. 

*****

When asked if she'd give back the campaign donations she got from disgraced Movie Mogul Harvey Weinstein, Hillary Clinton said she would "donate the money to charity". 

- And just like that "The Clinton Foundation" comes into another boatload of cash. 

*****

Alec Baldwin threw his Big Gulp on the street and tried to get a man to get out of his car and fight him in NYC yesterday after the man's driving apparently annoyed him. 

- I can't wait to see the skit about it on Saturday Night Live!  (Yeah, right!)

*****

Researchers say that most men find "Bromances" - their close friendships with male friends - more emotionally satisfying than the relationships with their wives or girlfriends. 

- But when they fight, the make-up sex is really awkward. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

In the wake of the sexual harassment scandal, The Weinstein Company is considering a name change after pink-slipping founder Harvey Weinstein. 

- They're going to go with something with less "seedy" like "The Anthony Weiner Company". 

*****

Angelina Jolie and Gweneth Paltrow have joined the growing list of women who claim they received unwanted sexual advances from Hollywood mogul. 

- Who's next? Caitlyn Jenner? 

*****

Meanwhile, as Harvey heads to Europe for "Sex Rehab" his wife of 10 years announced that she's leaving him. 

- Wow. A guy has a few thousand criminal indiscretions and his wife bails on him. 

*****

Linsday Lohan posted a bizarre Instagram video in which, speaking in an Irish accent, she says Harvey Weinstein is "being treated unfairly". 

- I think it's safe to say Linsday is back on the sauce. 

*****

Trump responded to reports that Sec. of State Tillerson called him a "Moron" by suggesting the two of them take an IQ test, adding... "And I can tell you whose gonna win." 

- He then tweeted "I know I is smart cuz my third grade teacher said I wuz. Covfefe!!!"

*****

Ivana Trump, Donald's First wife said in an interview that when her kids were little, the ONLY person she felt comfortable leaving them alone with was... Michael Jackson. 

- I'm thinking maybe Ivana should be the one to take the IQ test. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #222

Welcome to 2...2...Tuesday and Podcast #222! Today daughter #2, Jackie, and I are joined by daughter #3, Jill, around the Purtan Family Dining Room Table for a whirlwind discussion of more topics than I have room to list here. Actually, we covered so much I can't even remember them all, but the ones that I DO remember include two of the current controversies in the news:  Christopher Columbus - Hero or Villain? And the NFL football players taking a knee during the playing of the National Anthem - Right or Wrong? We give our opinions.

Plus... George Washington, Ben Franklin, Y.A. Tittle, not to mention the man who was just fired by the company HE founded, Harvey Weinstein. (How can you NOT talk about an overweight Hollywood bigwig whose strange fetishes included inviting disinterested women to watch him take showers? Pretty kinky, huh?) 

So grab a bar of soap and let Podcast #222 wash all over ya. Unlike Mr. Weinstein, we keep it clean...on an audience that's keen!  

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Today is the official celebration of Columbus Day... when we honor the man who proved the world wasn't flat, but Queen Isabella was. (Thank you Charlie Weaver) Christopher knew since he spent some time with her on a mattress he got half-off at the "Art Van Columbus Day Sale".

*****

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says that any of his players that don't stand for the National Anthem won't be allowed to play in the game. 

- In a related story, MSU brought Michigan to their knees over the weekend, but it had nothing to do with the Rocket's Red Glare.

*****

Oscar-winning Hollywood Producer Harvey Weinstein has been fired from the company he founded amid mounting allegations of sexual harassment of women... including actress Ashley Judd. 

-  This spells an end to production of his new movie starring Bill Cosby. 

*****

Meryl Streep repeatedly called Weinstein's actions "disgraceful and inexcusable". 

- Weinstein said the comments really hurt, especially the time she delivered them in a "spot-on" Ukranian accent. (So far, no comment from Weinstein's good friend Hillary Clinton, although Bill said he didn't see what all the excitement was about).

*****

Saturday Night Live, Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert ignored the Weinstein story on their respective broadcasts. 

- Apparently, Trump jokes, Trump Liberal Sexual Predator jokes, everytime. 

*****

Kim Jong Un has promoted his 30-year-old sister Kim Yo Jong to a high paying top post in the North Korean Government. 

- Translation: Her execution and funeral will be held sometime next week. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Melania Trump was lambasted by the anti-Trump social media for wearing Timberland Boots while visiting Hurricane ravaged Puerto Rico. 

- Usually, when there a ruckus over "Boots on the Ground" it involves some sort of Military action. 

*****

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson went on TV yesterday to address claims that he called Prez. Trump a "Moron". He would only say that he wouldn't engage in such "petty nonsense".

- In other words, Yep. He called Trump a Moron.

*****

All 5 living former US Presidents will get together for a Hurricane Relief Concert later this month. 

- Jimmy Carter will talk about all the Habitat for Humanity well-constructed houses he's built ... and Bill Clinton will talk about all the well-Built broads he's bagged. 

*****

The ancient tomb of St. Nicholas (Santa Claus) has been discovered underneath a city in Turkey. 

- Santa was discovered in a fireplace, beneath a chimney where the stockings had been hung with care. 

*****

A couple in Saline are back on the job - side by side - after tying the knot inside the Walmart where they both work. 

- They said the wedding was "perfect" right up until the moment the groom's Uncle got drunk and caused a "Clean up in Aisle 5". 

*****

68-year-old George Foreman has challenged 65-year-old Steven Seagal to a 10 round boxing match. 

- I'm betting Foreman is going to take a Grilling. 

*****

The New England Patriots just bought their very own team plane, a Boeing 767. 

- Just to be safe, they hired a security guy to make sure the plane's tires are never deflated. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Bob Segar has cancelled his last two concerts this year citing back problems. Meanwhile Eminem announced that his 9th studio album, "Amazeballs", is done. 

- Can Christmas morning get here fast enough??? 

- I haven't been this excited since Three 6 Mafia won the Oscar for "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp"!

*****

Researchers have found that "Gamers" are significantly better learners than those who don't play video games. 

- So buck up parents! If the 35-year-old son living in your basement ever decides to go back to school to get his GED, he's gonna ROCK! 

*****

Tom Cruise's new movie "American Made" was his worst box office opening in over 20 years. 

- It's not the first time Tom has come up short. 

*****

Bruce Springsteen said that he won't write any Anti-Trump songs. 

- It's not that he LIKES Trump, he's just got writer's block. 

*****

The Tennessee Titans have hired a fill-in for their injured quarterback and say they never even considered Colin Kaepernick. 

- Meanwhile, Colin continues taking a knee. Both actually... praying to God that someone will hire him. 

*****

A video has surfaced of Pam Anderson signing autographs in Germany in which she appears disheveled and out of it. 

 - But she looks great if you watch the video in Slow Motion. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

"Star Trek: Discovery" debuted its first openly gay character during Sunday night's episode. 

- His first line was "Live Long, Prosper... and ALWAYS Accessorize!!!"

*****

Hugh Hefner was laid to rest Saturday in an intimate ceremony in a crypt right next to Marilyn Monroe.  

- And just like that, the expression "You Can't Take It With You" goes out the window.  

*****

After serving 9 years for Armed Robbery, OJ Simpson is a free man, released from prison early Sunday. 

- He waved goodbye to the warden, hopped into a waiting Uber and drove off into the Sunset... V...e...r...y  s...l...o...w...l...y. 

- I'm betting the "real killer or killers" are shaking in their boots, knowin' the Juice is finally back out looking for them. 

*****

The Commissioner of the NBA has asked all pro-Basketball players to stand during the National Anthem. 

- It'll be hard to tell if they comply since they're so tall they look like their standing even when they're kneeling. 

*****

It's National "Mean Girls Appreciation Day".

- So if you run into Kathy Griffin, be sure to give her a hug!

*****

RIP... Tom Petty, three-time Grammy-winning frontman for "The Heartbreakers" died Monday from Cardiac Arrest. He amassed a huge amount of hits over his 40+ year career... "Free Falling", "Don't Do Me Like That", "Here Comes My Girl", "Refugee", and "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around" (his duet with real life girlfriend Stevie Nicks) just to name a few. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Today is the last full day of Summer, and temps in Metro Detroit are expected to reach an amazing 85 degrees. It's not often you get a chance to work on your tan while sipping a Pumpkin Spice Latte! 

*****

12-year-old singing ventriloquist Darci Farmer and her rabbit puppet "Petunia" were crowned the 12th season champs on "America's Got Talent" last night.

- Look for her new book "How to Win Talent Shows For (And With) Dummies".

***** 

During a meeting with African leaders at the UN on Wednesday, President Trump referred to Namibia, a country on the southwestern coast of Africa, as "Nambia."

- Great. How much is it gonna cost to re-embroider all of those "Make Nambia Great Again" baseball caps???

*****

In her new book "What Happened", Hillary Clinton says that there's a "Right Wing war on Truth". 

- Kinda like that whole fake Monica Lewinsky thing was part of a "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy". 

*****

A 5th-grade math teacher in Florida has angered parents after asking students to use gender-neutral pronouns in the classroom - including calling her "Mix Bressack". 

- Remember when the most confusing thing about 5th-grade math was the "new math"? 

*****

Google revealed that the most asked question it receives about sex is "How Do I find The G-Spot?"

- Duh! You just Google it! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!  

-Dick 

45 men who dressed up like Tom Selleck's flowered-shirt-wearing "Magnum P.I." character, were tossed from Saturday's Tiger game for reasons that remain unclear. 

- I don't get it. The Tigers have dressed up like Professional Baseball Players this year, and They're allowed to stay. 

*****

During his speech to the UN y-day, President Trump said that if provoked the U.S. will  "totally destroy" N. Korea and called Lil Kim "Rocket Man".

- He's on an Elton John roll... Look for him to start referring to Sanders and his supporters as "Bernie & The Jerks". 

*****

Madonna is suing to keep a former friend from auctioning a pair of her used underwear from the 1990's. 

- So... Madonna actually WORE underwear in the 90's?? 

*****

New research found that among all bottled beer, the one most likely to cause flatulence and bloating in none other than Budweiser. 

- So ladies, if you see your husband handing your dog a beer and saying "This Bud's for You"... you know why. 

*****

David Hasselhoff's ex-wife Pamela Bach is fighting to keep her $10,000 a month Spousal support 11 years after they divorced, claiming she worked her butt off to help his career during their marriage. 

- What career???

*****

The owner of a Wisconsin Dairy Queen is taking heat on Social Media for an "offensive" poster warning customers that his shop is "Politically Incorrect" because the staff says "Merry Christmas", "God Bless America" and gives free ice cream to Vets. 

- Far leftists are also protesting DQ's "Blizzards" because they claim the name flies in the face of Global Warming. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Toys R Us officially filed for Chapter Eleven late last night. 

- So look for "Bankrupt me Elmo" coming to a store near you. 

*****

It's National "Talk Like a Pirate Day". 

- If you're on a Cruise Ship, don't be surprised if the crew says "Ahoy and Avast" while you're on the Poop Deck.

*****

Anthony 'The Mooch' Scaramucci said that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady skipped a recent White House visit because Brady may have dated Ivanka Trump and his girlfriend, Giselle Bundchen was " jealous". 

- Brady said it's not true, but admits he's deflated by the rumors.

*****

 Famous English Actress 82 year old Dame Judy Dench says she wants to have sex. 

-  This means Larry King is about to have sex with another woman 30 years his junior.

*****

The TSA has adopted a new "Enhanced" pat down - which involves touching airline passenger's "crotch area" 8 times. 

- Sounds like Bill Clinton is about to add a whole lotta miles to his Frequent Flyer card. 

*****

Scientists at the University of Sydney say they've unlocked the secret to "Writer's Block"... listening to happy music. Sad music didn't have the same effect. 

- So I'm immediately changing the song I listen to while I work on this blog from "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" to "Whistle While You Work". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick