Welcome to a new week...new "news"... and a brand new Podcast. First, the stories of the day...

Over the weekend, President Trump sent out a Tweet accusing President Obama of ordering wiretaps of the phones at Trump Tower during the campaign. 

- Vladimir Putin says it's not true, because he was wiretapping Obama and never heard him eavesdropping on Trump. 

- Obama Administration officials are also denying it, claiming the President was way to busy golfing to do something like that. 

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A Los Angeles man recently spent $50,000 on plastic surgery in an effort to look like a genderless alien. 

- In other words... There's a new Cher impersonator in L.A.

- He could have saved a boatload of money by buying a Star Trek Costume on e-Bay for $39.99. 

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Pope Francis says people should carry the Bible everywhere and treat it as if it were a Smartphone. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to "Answer the Calling". 

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A man in Texas has been arrested after being caught on camera by a neighbor trying to have sex with a fence. 

- Say what you will, the way things are today, it's just nice to see someone actually "on the fence" in this country instead of being on one side or the other.  

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And, as a Monday Bonus... Podcast #214. In this week's "Pod-i-sode", Jackie and I recap the 30th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon. We raised $1.3 Million thanks to all of you who donated! We also reveal how I single-handedly caused Jackie a HUGE morning radio job in NYC without even knowing it... plus she explains the most embarrassing moment EVER in her radio career.  And speaking of embarrassing moments - "The Oscar goes to..." 

So give Podcast #214 a listen (Warren Beatty recently announced that it's a real winner!), have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

After 83 years with the Oscars, Price Waterhouse Cooper, the firm responsible for the Oscar fiasco, has been fired. 

- Great. And you thought the "In Memoriam" section was long this year. 

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Meanwhile, PWC accountants have hired bodyguards after getting threats from the public.   

- The bodyguards actually have day jobs... and are just "Moonlight"-ing. 

- This stuff could only happen in LaLaLand. 

- Where was the public outrage when "Anchorman 2" was released??? 

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A study by the University of Alberta found that Canada's public pools have over 20,000 gallons of urine in them. 

- Or as they call Urine in Canada, recycled Beer. 

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A video has gone viral of a 90 year old man named "Vern" celebrating his birthday by heading to the gym and doing 24 Pull Ups, which are incredibly hard. 

- While that's an impressive number, my 85 year old Dad told me on my Radio Show that he had once done 200 of them, and was named the "Pull Up Champ of Ohio". 

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The Obama's have signed a joint $65 Million book deal with Random House.

- In a related story, the Clinton's are hoping to win a $10 Million Prize from Publishers Clearing House.  

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Top Obama Advisor Valerie Jarrett has reportedly moved into their D.C. House to help the former President bring down Donald Trump.  

- She didn't do such a hot job of that when she lived in Obama's White House. 

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A company survey revealed that Apple has created 2 million jobs in the United States. 

- And not one of those jobs is held by the guy with the Indian accent named "Steve" who always answers the phone when I need tech support. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

President Trump wowed even a lot of Democrats last night with his first Prime Time address to Congress calling it "Uplifting" and "Presidential". The Prez was interrupted 58 times by standing ovations. 

- And just wait... this morning he'll probably send out a tweet claiming he was interrupted 458 times. 

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Meanwhile the former Governor of Kentucky, a Democrat, stunned viewers during his "Democrat Response" to Trump's speech when he called himself "a proud Republican". 

- Looks like Warren Beatty has been handing out more envelopes that we realized. 

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A group of women on the Democrat side of the aisle, including Nancy Pelosi, wore white to Trump's speech in support of women's issues. 

- It was a nice gesture, but apparently they aren't aware that you just DON'T wear white after Labor Day!

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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg did not attend President Obama's Address. 

- But to be fair, Tuesday is her regular Bingo Night. 

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The semi-celebrity cast of the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars includes former figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. 

- She's only been to one rehearsal and she's already complaining about a bad knee. 

- Producers say they considered having Nancy's rival Tonya Harding on as well, but say she's a "Whack Job". 

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A new dating app called LIME matches people up based on similar step-counts it reads on people's iPhone Health Apps. 

- What it can't predict is how fast she'll run away when she see's you don't look anything like your profile picture. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

It's Fat Tuesday! Which means Chris Christie will be headed to the White House for his weekly meeting with President Trump. 

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Price Waterhouse Cooper has taken full responsibility for handing Warren Beatty the wrong envelope at the Oscars which led to him announcing the wrong movie as "Picture of the Year". 

- But the Democrats still think it was the Russians. 

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President Trump will address Congress for the first time ever tonight in a Prime Time speech. 

- He'll speak from 9 to 10pm... and at 10:01 he'll start Tweeting about how great his speech was. 

*****

The Oxford English Dictionary announced that they are adding the words "Cat Lady", "Drunk Text" and "Sausage Party" to it's newest edition. 

- If you take all three of them together... it sounds like the plot of a new Reality Show. 

*****

North Korea used anti-aircraft guns to execute 5 senior Military officials for allegedly turning in false reports. Meanwhile South Korea says Kim Jong Un was the one who ordered his brother's murder. 

- Sounds like somebody's going through another growth spurt. 

*****

More than 23 million people watched the Daytona 500 on Sunday. 

- Everything went well up until the moment Warren Beatty announced the wrong driver's name as the Winner. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Hillary Clinton has attended 4 Broadway shows in the last 2 weeks... receiving a standing ovation each time.

- Meanwhile Bill was spotted at 4 Peep Shows in the last 2 weeks... and he gave each one a standing ovation. 

***** 

Chris Christie told his staff that he is taking a job at the White House. 

- Sources says he's going to be named "Secretary of Homeland Fried Foods". 

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The Today Show's Hoda Kotb has become a Mom for the first time at age 52 by adopting a baby girl. 

- Her co-host Kathy Lee said the joyous news made her "light-headed"... It was either that or the Vodka in her coffee cup. 

*****

According to a new study, kissing helps your teeth stay healthy by increasing saliva which washes away bacteria. 

- And nothing makes you want to pucker up like the thought of helping wash away the bacteria in your partner's mouth. 

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REMINDER: We’re just a few days away from the 30th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! This Radiothon is the sole fundraiser to support this vital program that feeds more than 4000 men women & children in our area 365 days a year! And shelters almost 500 people a night! 

The entire 16 Hour Event will be broadcast on 760 WJR AM from 6am to 10pm LIVE from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak THIS FRIDAY, Feb. 24! And I'll be manning the mic, along with all of "Purtan's People" for the 6PM to 10PM shift!

It’s hard to believe we started the Radiothon 30 years ago - even harder to believe is the thousands and thousands of lives that have been changed by your generosity. The Bed and Bread Program provides not only food and shelter, but also Hope for families, veterans, the homeless, the disadvantaged, the downtrodden, and the afflicted. 

You can even donate now, just go to salmich.org or call 1-248-528-0760. Operators are already on duty!

So I urge you to give whatever you can.  I guarantee you’ll be glad you did!

Thanks in advance!

-Dick

It's Presidents Day! The day we honor George Washington and Abraham Lincoln by closing Banks and Post Offices. And retailers honor Bill Clinton by offering Mattresses at 1/2 Off. 

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A study by McMaster University in Canada found that exercising for 30 minutes a week on a staircase can be just as beneficial as going to the gym 5 days a week. 

- The hard part is attaching the treadmill and stationary bike to your staircase. 

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he ate meatloaf during his recent visit to the White House because President Trump ordered him to eat it. 

- Right... Like Chris Christie has ever had to be "ordered" to eat anything. 

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George Michael's funeral has been postponed again so doctors can perform more tests on his body. 

- Some say they'll never figure out his cause of death, but doctors say "You've Gotta Have Faith". 

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Coleman Young Jr. announced plans to follow in his father's footsteps and run to become the next Mayor of the City of Detroit.

- Apparently the Kruggerand doesn't fall far from the Tree. 

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And how about this for a segue? Coleman Young Senior may be deceased, but he'll be one of the many guests stopping by this Friday during the 30th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Club! The 16-Hour event will be broadcast LIVE from 6am to 10pm on 760 AM WJR from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak THIS FRIDAY, February 24th. I'll be hosting the 6PM to 10PM slot along with all of "Purtan's People"! This is THE fundraiser for the Bed & Bread program that feeds many thousands of Men, Women and Children in Metro-Detroit EVERY DAY, 365 Days a year... and shelters almost 500 people every night. I hope you'll tune in on Friday, and more importantly, I hope you'll donate! You can even do it now by calling 248-528-0760 or go to salmich.org. Whatever you can give will be greatly appreciated! 

Thanks so much! 

-Dick

Welcome to Thursday and Podcast #213! With the 30th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club just a week away, Jackie and I welcome Dale Johnson to the Purtan Family Dining Room Table. Dale's been my right-hand man for the Big Event for three decades! We give you all the details... and touch on a few other topics as well, including how Garbage Day has helped keep me on track during my "retirement", and how Jackie's 15 year old son Charlie has made it 6 months into High School without ever going to his locker. 

Now just in case you don't have time to listen to the Podcast right now... here are some crib notes on the 16-Hour Radiothon: 

* Friday, February 24th 

* Broadcast LIVE on 760 WJR AM from 6am to 10pm from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak

* I'll be hosting the 6pm to 10pm slot along with Big Al, Jackie & all of "Purtan's People"

* The Radiothon raises money for the Bed & Bread Club which feeds THOUSANDS of men, women and children in Metro Detroit EVERY DAY, 365 DAYS A YEAR. 

* You can even donate NOW by calling 248-528-0760 or by going to salmich.org or wjr.com 

As you know, The Bed & Bread program is near and dear to my heart... and anything you can afford to give will be greatly appreciated! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

A German Shepherd named "Rumor" took "Best in Show" honors at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. 

- President Trump was pulling for what he called, "The stronger Border Collie".

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Meanwhile Trump accused U.S. Intelligence Agencies of leaking classified info to the press "like candy" amid allegations that his campaign had ongoing contact with the Russians before Election Day. 

- Trump denies contact with the Russians, but then mistakenly tweeted that he was "Putin all his efforts into Making America Great Again". 

*****

The New York Times reprimanded a reporter for calling First Lady Melania Trump a "Hooker". 

- From now on, the reporter will be required to refer to her as "The President's Escort". 

*****

Colombian authorities estimate vast amounts of cocaine were smuggled out of their country in Valentine's Flowers, leading to women getting coke-laced bouquets.  

- Roses are Red, Violets are Blue... If your wife Snorted her flowers, She got one too!

*****

Firefighters in Great Britain had to free 102 people from handcuffs due to a rise in "Fifty Shades of Grey" fantasies on Valentine's Day. 

- Proving that the Key to successfully using handcuffs during sexy-time is remembering where you put the Key. 

*****

A study by the Champion Newspaper found that there are over 140 languages spoken in one Georgia school district. 

- And not one of them is English. 

*****

Kim Jong-Un's half-brother was poisoned and killed by female assassins in Malaysia. 

- Nice to see KJU is giving more high level jobs to Women! 

*****

REMINDER: Our 30th Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club is a week from Friday, Feb. 24th! This is the yearly event to raise funds to feed many thousands of people in Metro-Detroit, everyday - 365 days a year. It will be broadcast live from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak all day on 760 WJR AM. I'll be doing the 6pm to 10pm portion, along with all of "Purtan's People". The donation line is open even now... Just call 248-528-0760 or go to salmich.org. 

Thanks so much and have a great day! 

-Dick

It's Valentine's Day! The Day first made famous when Marcel Marceau thought outside the box and sent his girlfriend some candy hearts reading "Be Mime".

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A survey by the National Retail Federation found that 55% of Americans will take part in Valentine's Day today. 

- The other 45% will be tossed a pillow by their wife and told to go sleep on the couch.  

*****

Burger King in Israel is offering "Adult Meals" today... which include two Whoppers, two Fries, two Beers and a Sex Toy. 

- If the promotion works, a few years from now, those same customers will be over at McDonald's ordering a "Kid's Meal". 

- Sex Toy or not... chances are if you take your Valentine to Burger King the luckiest you're gonna get is if they get your order right. 

*****

Former President Obama has set up a non-profit organization that aims to combat Donald Trumps attempts to undo his legacy. 

- It's called "Make the Obama Presidency Great Again". 

*****

Just in time for Valentine's Day... Playboy Magazine announced that they're bringing Naked pics back following a steep decrease in sales.  

- I'm shocked! You mean people DON'T really just read it for the articles??? 

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The New York Times is criticizing "Saturday Night Live" for attacking Donald Trump to the point of exhaustion. 

- Pot... I'd like you to meet Kettle. 

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A team of researchers in Saudi Arabia have create a self-destructing phone that can explode in ten seconds so your personal information isn't compromised. 

- Hillary Clinton said, "Would it have killed you to come up with a self-destructing email server a few months ago?" 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Aretha Franklin announced that after a few live performances for her new album next fall, she'll be retiring from giving concerts. 

- She's had a brilliant career... and I say "Hat's off to her!" 

- Aretha's exact quote was "R-E-T-I-R-E-D... That is what I plan to be! Sock it to me...Sock it to Me... Sock it to me..."

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick's lawyer has filed a motion to have the Kwaminator's $1.6 Million restitution to the city of Detroit reduced or eliminated because it was based on faulty math. 

- If good math had been used, that number would be a lot higher. 

- This makes me nostalgic for a song we wrote and used to play on my radio show: "Super-Cali-Fraga-Kwame-Pay-Your-Restitution!"

*****

Disney announced that it's Star Wars theme parks are set to open in 2019.

- Which is great because it gives Trekkies a full two years to try and find a girl willing to go out in public with them. 

***** 

The latest sequel to "Fifty Shades of Grey" hits theaters today. It's called "Fifty Shades Darker".

- It tells the story of George Hamilton's love affair with a Tanning Booth. 

*****

A new study found that the average employee spends two hours of their work day talking or reading about politics. 

- Researchers thought the workers were "informed" until they realized they spent those two hours on Facebook. 

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Wikipedia has barred the "Daily Mail" from being cited as a reliable source by it's volunteer editors because they claim it makes up stories.  

- Or as Kellyanne Conway called them, "alternative facts". 

*****

Judy Garland's ex-husband claims she was assaulted by several actors who played Munchkins in "The Wizard of Oz". 

- The Cowardly Lion reportedly knew about it, but didn't have the Courage to say anything. 

- If it's true, we now know where the line "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" came from. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

Willie Nelson has cancelled three recent concerts due to health concerns. 

- Apparently he's suffering from Joint pain. 

- Doctors are Weeding through his symptoms to come up with a diagnosis. 

*****

An Etiquette expert says that posting pictures of what you're having for dinner and putting up romantic relationship milestones make you look "common" in the social media world. 

- Fortunately, it's still okay to put up pics of your cat wearing a Donald Trump wig. 

*****

Leaks from the White House claim that President Trump called and woke up a Military Advisor for economic advice in the middle of the night. 

- He should have called Hillary. She said she'd always be ready to take a call at 3am.  

*****

Scientists claim that listening to your favorite song releases the same "feel good" chemicals in your system that having sex does. 

- This finally explains why some people feel randy when they hear "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald". 

*****

A study out of Finland found that pregnant women who eat black licorice give birth to babies with lower IQ's. 

- And expecting women who eat Snickers give birth to kids with a better sense of humor. 

*****

A new app called Data-Dress would allow a fashion company to access the info on your phone and use it to design a dress based on how you live your life. 

- The best part is they'll have access to your financial info so they'll know how much to charge you. 

*****

The man who is the current favorite to become the next President of France is being accused of having a affair with a Man, despite being married to a Woman for ten years. 

- They don't call it "Gay Paree" for nothing. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Queen Elizabeth marked 65 years on the throne yesterday. 

- And she celebrated by declaring it "National Preparation H Day". 

*****

President Trump reportedly left his own Super Bowl Party early and didn't see the Patriots win with their epic comeback. 

- A similar thing happened to Hillary Clinton when she went to bed early on Election Night. 

*****

Hawaii is considering a bill that would legalize Prostitution. 

- I thought those lei's they give everyone when they get off the plane were Complimentary. 

*****

A group at the University of Central Florida has organized a "Fight Club" designed to teach liberal students how to beat up Republicans on campus. 

- But participants still go home on the weekends to have Mom do their laundry. 

*****

A new study found that Meditation is more effective than prescription drugs at treating anxiety. 

- But most people can't relax enough to meditate unless they pop a Xanax. 

*****

Showbiz insiders say Lady Gaga's Super Bowl performance has reignited her career. 

- Awesome! So now she can trade her Sirloin dress in for one made from Filet Mignon! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Welcome to Podcast #212... Today Jackie and I welcome a special guest - my daughter (and her sister!) JoAnne to the Purtan Dining Room Table. Actually, JoAnne wasn't exactly seated at the table... but was laying on the floor while we recorded. She'll explain why. And if you thought she looked a little green broadcasting on Channel 7 last week... you were right. But when they say "Lights... Camera..." you gotta spring into "Action!". Speaking of "the Show Must Go On"... Jackie tells a story from her days in the Original Cast of the The Detroit Second City that shows just how far one person went to make sure that happened.

And of course we talk about the BIG Show! The 30 Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed and Bread Club! It's coming up on Friday, February 24th and will be broadcast Live from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak on WJR 760 AM from 6am to 10pm.

I'llbe hosting the 6pm to 10pm slot along with Big Al, Jackie and the rest of Purtan's People. I hope you'll tune in... but more importantly, I hope you'll donate! You can even do it right now by going to Salmich.org or by calling 248-528-0760! 

More on that... and lots of other good stuff in Podcast #212.  

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Punxatawney Phil emerged from his hole this morning and saw his shadow, signaling 6 more weeks of winter. 

- Why? Because it's February. 

*****

A new dating app called "Haters" is designed to help people find love with people who hate the same things they do from Politicians to paying extra for Guacamole.

- They should have called it eDisHarmony.com. 

- Look for the new romantic ballad "I Can't Help Falling In Hate With You".

*****

Students at UC Berkley turned violent and burned down the Student Book Store last night while protesting a scheduled speech by a Conservative Gay man. 

- But they want everyone to know... they totally accept that he's Gay, it's the Conservative part they can't deal with. 

*****

In an attempt to battle shrinking audiences, Movie Theaters across the country are beginning to  sell alcohol along with popcorn and candy. 

- Which begs the question which type of wine goes best with Milk Duds? 

- I guess offering booze to patrons was easier than trying to get Hollywood to start making good movies again.  

*****

A study published in the Deep Nutrition Journal found that eating vegetable oils can lead to migraines, dementia and fatigue. 

- On the bright side, eat enough McDonald's French Fries and you'll be too tired to finish your Big Mac. 

*****

IKEA stores in the U.S. have recalled certain beach chairs because of "fingertip amputation hazards". 

- And it's really hard to put together a 187 piece beach chair when your fingertips have been amputated. 

***** 

A woman in Australia called the police to file a report against her drug dealer for what she considered an unfair price hike for her marijuana. 

- Being Australia, the woman will be tried in a Kangaroo Court. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

At 8pm last night President Trump announced Conservative Judge Neil Gorsuch as his pick for the Supreme Court - sparking protests from Liberals.  

- With the exception of Ruth Bader Ginsberg... who didn't hear about it because she fell asleep after the Wheel of Fortune Bonus Round. . 

*****

On Tuesday's "The View", Whoopi Goldberg compared Trump to the Taliban. 

- Trump sent out an equally insulting Tweet comparing Whoopi to Joy Behar.

*****

Effective immediately, The Boy Scouts of America will allow transgender children who were born girls, but identify as boys, to join their troops.  

- And in addition to Camping and Hiking... they'll now be required to earn the Caitlyn Jenner Merit Badge. 

*****

The Detroit Lions have made changes to their logo, ditching black in favor of silver for the outline of the Lion. 

- Now if they could just ditch "losing" for "winning", when it comes to Play-Off Games.  

*****

"Celebrity Apprentice" host Arnold Schwarzenegger says President Trump's Immigration ban is "making us look stupid". 

- It's also making it harder for Arnold to find a housekeeper to have another affair with. 

*****

Feeling stressed out by an overload of news coverage? Some psychologists say you should turn off the TV and look at pictures of cute animals on the internet. 

- You can find them on Facebook sandwiched between your friends Anti-Everything rants.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

NBC insiders say the third hour of the "Today" show will be replaced with a show hosted by ex-Fox News star Megyn Kelly next Fall, followed by Hoda and Kathy Lee.  

- Megyn will be "Fair & Balanced" and then Hoda and Kathy Lee will be "Drunk & Unsteady". 

*****

Sunday night a 23 year old Dental student from France won the Miss Universe Crown. 

- It's a temporary crown... she'll have to wait six weeks for the permanent one to be put on.

*****

Over ten million people have Retweeted Kim Kardashian's Tweet of a chart that disputed Donald Trump's temporary ban on Immigration. 

- If you're relying on Kim Kardashian for your foreign policy info... I'm thinking maybe YOU should be deported. 

*****

Ashton Kutcher opened Sunday night's SAG Awards by sharply criticizing President Trump's Immigration policy. 

- And after the show, he called Melania and asked if she was looking for a "Boy-Toy". 

*****

Starbucks announced plans to hire 10,000 refugees over the next five years. 

- It's every refugees dream... escape a war-torn nation so you can sell $7 cups of coffee to rich Americans. 

*****

An American Heart Association study found that depression is just as damaging to our heart as high cholesterol. 

- They added that the Worst thing for your heart is reading your friends political posts on Facebook. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Welcome to Podcast #211... our first of 2017, and our first (hopefully) without the glitches we had at the end of 2016. Today Jackie and I get back behind the mics to talk about the passing of Mary Tyler Moore... and how despite her incredible television career, she felt like more of a failure than a success. 

We also talk about Ted Knight who played the buffoon-newsman "Ted Baxter" on Mary's Show and how our broadcast careers crossed paths. 

Somehow we end up talking about a rather dangerous microscopic creature in the Amazon River that might give men pause if they decide to go swimming there. (Hint: You'll need a cast iron Speedo)

And most important of all... I give you the details of the upcoming Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon on Friday, February 24th on WJR AM 760! It will be our 30th Annual!!

It's all in Podcast #211... and it's up right now @dickpurtan.com! 

-Dick 

P.S. I'm off to serve meals off one of the Bed & Bread Trucks. More on that tomorrow! 

RIP... Mary Tyler Moore. The girl "who could turn the world on with her smile" died yesterday at the age of 80. "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was a shining part of a long-gone era. A time when we had more in common with each other than not, simply because we had fewer choices.

With just Three TV Channels (plus UHF, of course) chances were good that most of us watched the same shows. And there were good ones...Really good ones. The CBS Saturday night line-up, for example. In order, from 8pm through 11pm was: "All in the Family", "M*A*S*H", "The Mary Tyler Moore Show", "Bob Newhart", and "The Carol Burnett Show". Talk about a power packed night of television! 

And anchoring, right in the middle of the line up, MTM... Who can forget Lou Grant, Ted Baxter, Rhoda, and Sue Anne Nivens? Not to mention Chuckles the Clown... "A little song, a little dance... a little seltzer down your pants".  They gave us something to talk about with our friends and co-workers the next day. We had their classic lines and stories in common. 

Mary, her show, and the time in our lives that it embodied were simply put, Extraordinary. And I miss them all.

***** 

The President of Mexico said in a speech that there is no way Mexico will pay for President Trump's Wall. 

- Trump immediately Tweeted: "20% down and the balance when the Wall is finished!"  #AyCaramba

*****

Trump will meet with the Prime Minister of England, Theresa May, on Friday at the White House. 

- Trump staffers say he's looking forward to the meeting, but would have preferred that the U.K. send Kate Middleton over for the get-together. 

*****

Scientists at NASA say an asteroid-like object will come within 32 million miles of Earth in February, but a Russian Astronomer claims it will hit the earth on the 16th, causing a giant, dangerous Tsunami. 

- Democrats were quick to point out that we just had a giant, dangerous Tsunami on November 8th. 

*****

Ivanka Trump posted a video of her ten month old son Theodore on Instagram crawling for the first time - on the carpet at the White House no less. 

- It's not the first time someone's been on their knees in the White House. I mean who can forget those great photos of JFK Jr. under his Dad's desk? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

A new study out of Paris found that personality traits like being open or closed minded, and nice or nasty, might be the result of the shape of a person's brain. 

- They discovered the results by examining the brain of one "Abby Normal". (Courtesy of Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman aka Dr. Frank-en-steen and Igor)

*****

A woman in Texas is alive and well after a Tornado picked up the bathtub she was sheltering in, flew her through the air, and landed her safely in the woods. 

- No word yet on her husband, who had been in a matching bathtub waiting for his Cialis to kick in. 

*****

For the first time in History, the Dow Jones hit and topped 20,000 this morning. 

- Good news for most, but tough for their neighbors who are always trying to keep up with the Dow Joneses. 

*****

President Trump will sign an Executive Order today directing the Department of Homeland Security to begin building his famous Wall. 

- Right after signing, Trump will immediately call Tyler 8-7100 because Mr. Belvedere does good work! 

*****

While most of Hollywood and California voted for Hillary Clinton, it looks like The Scientologists went for Trump. 

- It's all part of Scientology's plan to "Make John Travolta Great Again".

*****

Social Media is abuzz with speculation that one of Trump's Secret Service Agents wore prosthetic arms during the First Couple's stroll down Penn. Ave. on Inauguration Day, so he could keep his real hand on the trigger of a gun. 

- The Secret Service got the idea from Bill Clinton who used the same technique when he was in the Oval Office. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick