President Obama will give his final State of the Union Address tonight. 

- Bernie Sanders says he won't be tuning in...because but at 74, he'll watch a re-run of "Matlock" and be in bed by 8:30. 

*****

According to a new report, Jeb Bush accidentally let the copyright lapse on his campaign moniker, "Jeb!". 

- In a related story, Bill Clinton forgot to renew the copyright on his moniker, "Hot Chicks!".  

*****

Groundbreaking rocker David Bowie has died at the age of 69. 

- There will be two viewings. One with him dressed as a man, and the other as a woman. 

*****

Mick Jagger's ex - 59 year old Jerry Hall has announced her engagement to 84 year old media mogul Rupert Murdoch. 

- If she thought she couldn't "Get No Satisfaction" from Mick...just wait until her wedding night this time. 

*****

A new App called "I'm Not Sorry" is designed to alert women when they use the word "sorry" in texts and emails - claiming apologizing makes women appear weak. 

- In political circles, it's known as the "HillaryOnBenghazi" App. (Sorry)

*****

Prince William and Kate Middleton's son Prince George attended his first day of Pre-School last week. 

- His teacher said he didn't get any special treatment and when it came time for a Potty Break, George was 3rd in line for the throne.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

$$$$$

No one won Saturday night's Powerball Jackpot...so the drawing on Wednesday will be worth $1.3 BILLION.  

- I don't usually play the Lotto, but with the stock market tanking, I'm in! 

- Jeb Bush's campaign is reportedly buying up tickets in the hopes of financing his campaign. 

*****

A study by Terminix named Detroit as the most bed bug-infested city in the country. 

- We're #1! We're #1!

*****

The Playboy Mansion is up for sale for $200 Million...but there's a catch. The new owner has to let Hugh Hefner live there until he dies. 

- Hef is 89 years old so chances are good he'll be gone by the time the mortgage is approved. 

*****

An audience member jumped on stage during the people's "People's Choice Awards", grabbed the mic and sent a "shout out" to his favorite rapper.

- It was disruptive, but Kanye West still has the greatest award interruption video of all time. 

*****

A new App claims it can decode the crying sounds of babies and determine what issue parents need to address. 

- Critics are skeptical, saying it doesn't pass the smell test. 

*****

A new "Jihadi University" video shows weapons experts training terrorists. 

- A lot of teens are dying to get accepted. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #182: "Remembering Gene Taylor"

Click here to download Podcast

First of all, I want to thank you for the overwhelming response to yesterday's post about Gene Taylor. I know Gene is looking down on us all, straightening his bow tie, and smiling. 

Today we present a special hour-long Tribute Podcast all about our late, great friend with special guest Joe Noune, the "Purtan's Person" who probably knew Gene the longest, aside from myself. Join us as we reminisce, share behind the scenes stories, and play some of Gene's most memorable bits from my radio show. From "The Bagman" to a wrong number that Gene ad-libbed into a comedic classic, it's all here. 

Enjoy. 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you Monday! 

-Dick

It was 15 years ago yesterday that Gene Taylor died while on a hayride with his wife Helen on a cold night in Upper Michigan. He had an asthma attack and his inhaler did not work. As most of you know, Gene was the Producer and Writer on my show, having written some of the funniest routines we ever did. 

I met Gene in 1965 when I was doing the 10pm to 1am show on WKNR Keener 13. One night I mentioned on the air that I was hungry. Soon after there came a knock on the back door of the radio station by a young man holding two coney island hot dogs in his hand. 

That young man was a Senior in High School named Gene Taylor. 

Gene would occasionally come up to the radio station when I took over the Morning Show a couple of weeks later. For about a year, I didn't know Gene was funny! Then one day he presented me with a couple of scripts he had written for some of the characters that were part of my show at the time...and I realized that he was an exceptional talent. 

That began a relationship that lasted off and on for 35 years until his untimely death on that cold winter night at the age of 53. 

Later today, I'll be recording a special Tribute Podcast to Gene, which will be up right here tomorrow. 

May you continue to Rest In Peace my good friend. 

-Dick

Keeping The Women On "The View" From Shooting Their Mouths Off?

President Obama announced Executive Action on Gun Control that would impose stiffer background checks on the mentally unstable. 

- Apparently he doesn't want the ladies on "The View" packing' heat. 

*****

North Korea is claiming that it has successfully detonated it's first Hydrogen Bomb. 

- Sounds like Kim Jong Un has been playing with that 'Lil Scientist Kit he got for Christmas. 

*****

Hillary Clinton told a New Hampshire audience that her New Year's Resolution is to ignore Donald Trump. 

- As opposed to last year's Resolution which was to ignore the whole email thing. 

*****

Military experts believe the new "Jihadi John" featured in the ISIS recruiting videos used to sell bouncy castles for kid's parties. 

- When the head of ISIS heard about this...he immediately blew up all the bouncy castles in Iraq.  

*****

Caitlyn Jenner told Advocate magazine that "there's more to being a woman than hair and make-up" and that she missed a lot. 

- For instance instead of going through menopause, she paused being a man. 

*****

Mike Tyson has announced that he might go Vegan. 

- I'll bet when he finds out the only ears he can bite into are corn, he'll change his mind. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Winners & Losers

In an interview with the Today Show, the new Miss Universe said Steve Harvey should return to host next year's pageant. 

- Meanwhile Miss Colombia said he should be the new host of "The Biggest Loser". 

*****

The World's 5 Richest People lost a combined total of $8.7 Billion dollars during yesterday's stock  market sell off including Amazon founder Jeff Bezos who's fortune took a $3.7 Billion hit.

- Luckily he just renewed his membership to Amazon Prime! 

*****

Multiple reports say that Bill Cosby's wife Camille is going to turn against her husband "Dr. Huxtable", when he appears in court on sexual assault charges.  

- She always wanted to be married to a doctor, but it turns out he's more of a Pharmacist. 

*****

Madonna's son, Rocco, has reportedly blocked her from viewing his Instagram page. 

- Call me crazy...but shouldn't it be the other way around???

*****

Donald Trump is reportedly spending $2 Million a week on new TV ads leading up to the Iowa primaries. 

- While Jeb Bush is spending $3 Million a week on anti-depressants. 

*****

Anne Hathaway posted a bikini pic that shows her sporting a massive baby bump. They're saying the baby could weigh up to 7 pounds. 

- Throw in Anne's weight and they're tipping the scales at almost 35 pounds!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Caldwell Wins After Losing Season?

The Detroit News and Freep are reporting that Lion's coach Jim Caldwell will survive for another year because the team ended with a 7-9 record after starting the season at 1-7. 

- The decision will ultimately be made by the team's new 90 year old owner, Martha Firestone Ford, but not until she finishes her Bingo Tournament later this week. 

*****

Bernie Sanders says that he doesn't think Bill Clinton's sex life should be brought up during the Presidential campaign. 

- While most Americans are just hoping Bernie Sanders sex life won't be brought up during the Presidential campaign. 

*****

Sources say that Don Lemon was drunk during CNN's New Year's Eve Broadcast. 

- Anderson Cooper should have been the one tanked so he could make it through his stint with the always obnoxious Kathy Griffin. 

*****

According to a new survey, the most common New Year's Resolution posted on Facebook was to lose weight. 

- Personally, I'd rather have people keep eating and resolve to stop posting cute cat videos. 

*****

Republican Presidential hopeful Chris Christie called President Obama "a petulant child". 

- A White House spokesperson responded, "Is not!" to which Christie replied, "Is too!"

*****

Bill Cosby is out on $1 million dollars bail after being officially charged in his sex scandal. 

- Luckily, with his $400 million fortune, the bail hasn't cut into his wine and pill budget. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Happy Last Day of 2015!

I hope that this past year was a good one for you and yours... and wish you all Health, Happiness, and Peace in 2016. 

No matter how you're celebrating (I'll be watching the Spartans take on Alabama in the Cotton Bowl - Hopefully the only Ball that will drop will be the one in Time's Square!) be Safe and I'll see you next year! 

-Dick 

Christmas Day 2015

From the entire Purtan Family (all 21 of us!) to You and Yours... Merry Christmas! 

-Dick 

Hold Your Horses!

Donald Trump got an important endorsement today: Vladimir Putin called him a "very talented and outstanding man". 

- We can only hope this doesn't give The Donald any ideas about going horseback riding without a shirt. 

*****

A Federal investigation determined that some of Hillary Clinton's emails were "Top Secret" and could have fallen into the wrong hands. 

- They also determined that ALL of Bill's emails were "Top Secret" and could have fallen into the wrong hands... Hillary's. 

*****

Starbucks is no longer selling their Polar Bear Cookies because some customers complained that the red frosting scarf looked like a serious neck wound. 

- The move is being praised by PETC... People for the Ethical Treatment of Cookies. 

- To show how PC they are, Starbucks will now sell transgender Frosty the Snowman cookies. They're easy to spot because the carrot isn't used for his nose. 

*****

A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars themed condoms. 

- They'll be purchased by men who haven't had sex since "A Long Time Ago...In A Galaxy Far Far Away". 

- They aren't really necessary...When it comes to romance, most Star Wars fans are more "Han Solo". 

*****

Michael Jackson's classic LP "Thriller" has become the first album in history to sell over 30 million copies. 

- Interestingly, Michael's achievement was predicted years ago by Nostril-damus. 

*****

Google has announced that the most searched topic of 2015 was Lamar Odom. 

- And for people over 50 it was a tie between Best Cholesterol & Incontinence Medicines.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with our all new Christmas Podcast!

-Dick

Jeb-i Night?

Early reviews for "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" vary, calling it everything from "chaotic...full of crazy, out-out-of-this-world characters" to "low energy...a real snoozefest". 

- No wait... Those were the reviews of last night's Presidential Debate. 

*****

Donald Trump's doctor released a statement saying The Donald's health is "astonishingly excellent" and that he would be the healthiest man ever elected President. 

- Bill Clinton would have been the healthiest President ever elected if it hadn't been for all that penicillin he was on. 

*****

A British study found that getting too much sleep can be dangerous. 

- Especially if you're sleeping over at Bill Cosby's house. 

*****

Speaking of "Dr. Huxtable"... Bill Cosby has filed a defamation suit against the women accusing him of sexual assault. 

- He claims the accusations have hurt his reputation...and are making it really tough to get women to agree to come to his hotel room for a glass of wine. 

*****

The Jehovah's Witnesses have put their New York headquarters up for sale for $1 Billion. 

- Instead of using a Real Estate Agent, their going door-to-door looking for a buyer. 

*****

Denver broke a one-day record snowfall record set in 1897 Tuesday when the city was blanketed in 7.7 inches of snow. 

- People were upset because they thought the snow was freezing the marijuana plants in their backyards. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Christmas Comes Early

The woman who won a record $2 Million at a slot machine at Greektown Casino Sunday night says she will spend the money on a new dress and a trip to Disney World. 

- Which works out perfectly. If she spends $100 on a dress, she'll have just enough left for that trip to Disney. 

******

Merriam Webster Dictionary has named "ism" as the word of the year after a big increase in online look-ups for the definition of "Terrorism".

- And most of those came from the Obama administration. 

******

Taylor Swift has applied for a trademark on the word "Swiftmas". 

- She's also filed for trademarks on the words "Break-Up", "It's Over" & "Dumped". 

*****

The MLB has refused to overturn Pete Rose's lifetime ban from the game. They say that Rose has continued to bet on sports - including baseball - throughout his appeals process. 

- What are the odds? 

*****

A Market Research Survey found that bra sales have fallen by 3% in 2015. 

- If you think the bra sales are sagging...you should see the boobs. 

*****

After 65 years with NBC, weatherman Willard Scott is retiring at the age of 81. 

- If he'd just stayed 19 more years he could have presented himself with a jar of Smuckers. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Come Over To The Dork Side

The much hyped new Star Wars Movie "The Force Awakens" premieres with a special showing at Grauman's Chinese Theater in LA tonight. 

- Which means a whole lot of 30 year old men will emerge from their parents basements and use their Light Sabers for the first time in years. 

*****

Among the hundreds of die-hard fans camped out for tonight's premiere is a man from Detroit, who has been in line since December 5th and is using baby wipes for hygiene.  

- Six words for him: "May The Deodorant Be With You". 

*****

The Department of Homeland Security says that ISIS now has a printer that can make fake Passports so real they can get jihadists into the U.S. 

- If it's anything like my printer, they'll get one page and then be stuck with an unfixable paper jam. 

*****

Meanwhile, a new Gallup poll found that 64% of Americans disagree with President Obama's plan to deal with ISIS. 

- Wait... He HAS a plan to deal with ISIS???

*****

A study found that the Presidential Election was the most talked about topic on Facebook in 2015. 

- Narrowly beating out Marge Davenport's "Thanksgiving Slow Cooker Turkey Recipe" which came in second. 

*****

Another study found that people who swear a lot are actually more intelligent than people who don't use a lot of cuss words. 

- It's about freaking time they figured this out. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #181: "...And Many More!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and my wife Gail's "Birthday Podcast"... #181. (That's how many podcasts we've done, not how many candles are on the cake!) Today Jackie, the Birthday Girl and I unwrap topics including: 

- How I got TMJ.

- The Purtan Thanksgiving Dinner and what we didn't have on the table this year for the first time ever. Plus the dish we did have on the table that only two out of the 21 of us like. 

- The thing that, according to a new study, keeps women happy with their husbands for the first 18 years... and then it doesn't matter. 

- The importance of having a work ethic.

- Speaking of a strong work ethic, Jackie gives us an update on her good friend James "The Walking Man" Robertson. 

- And finally, the historical time period (other than the present) that we would like to have lived in... and the downsides to living in those times. (Especially the personal hygiene part!) 

So put on your Birthday party hat and join us for Podcast #181. (35:04)

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Donald Trump will release a Doctor's report of his health within two weeks and he says that it will show "perfection". 

- For proof he cites the support he has from the American Heart Association, American Lung Association and especially the American Proctology Association.  

*****

A British study found that worrying can take 5 years off your life. 

- Great. Something else to worry about. 

*****

Meanwhile a California scientist claims to have developed a pill that can help us live to be 120 years old. 

- The way things are going right now, I'm not sure most people wanna stick around that long. 

*****

The big controversy in Hollywood is that Leonardo di Caprio is sexually assaulted by a bear in his new movie, "Revenant". 

- The studio claims it's not a real Grizzly...it's just Bill Cosby in a bear suit. 

*****

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - the top Military General in the US - yesterday contradicted President Obama's consistent claim that ISIS has been contained.  

- He better hope Obama didn't draw his name in the White House "Secret Santa" gift exchange. 

*****

The VW Beetle used in the "Herbie The Love Bug" movies sold at an auction for $86,000.

- In a related story, Hollywood is planing a remake of the movie called "Charlie Sheen The Love Bug". 

*****

Scientists at Tel Aviv University concluded that it's impossible to tell the difference between a male and female brain. 

- And among politicians they found it's hard to find a brain at all. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

On-Line Takes A Chunk Out Of In-Line

A survey by the National Retail Federation found that more Americans purchased gifts on Cyber Monday than on Black Friday. 

- They also predict that in keeping with tradition, most husbands will buy their wife's gift at a gas station at 11pm on Christmas Eve. 

*****

Speaking of the Holidays... An AP survey found that most Millennials want cash for Christmas. 

- Thousands of parents are now shopping around for the best deals on money. 

*****

Kylie Jenner told Ellen DeGeneres that she likes Caitlyn Jenner better as her ex-Step Mom than Bruce Jenner as her ex-Step Dad. 

- Apparently when he was Bruce, he criticized her low cut blouses...but as Caitlyn, she asks to borrow them. 

*****

Bernie Sanders went under the knife for Hernia surgery on Monday. 

- But doctors say he'll heal quickly and be back to trailing Hillary in the polls in no time. 

*****

A Canadian study found that the more Facebook friends a person has, the more stressed they are. 

- And the more Fake Friends they have, the more stressed out they pretend to be. 

*****

Facebook co-founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife announced that they will donate 99% of their Facebook shares to charity...to the tune of $45 Billion. 

- The announcement got a "Like" from everyone in the country...except their daughter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

P & O Not Seeing "I" to "I"

President Obama and Vladimir Putin did not make eye contact while shaking hands at the Paris Climate Summit on Monday. 

- So unlike Kennedy and Khrushchev, we have no idea who blinked first. 

*****

The National Retail Federation says the biggest selling items on Cyber Monday were cell phones and tablets. 

-  Tablets were big on Black Friday as well. Aspirin Tablets. 

*****

According to AAA, the average long distance most Americans traveled to see family on Thanksgiving was 214 miles. 

- They noted that most of the road trips included paths that went over the river and through the woods. 

- A lot of people also flew to get to Thanksgiving dinner...unlike the Turkey. 

*****

Kim Karsashian's website had a huge Cyber Monday sale. 

- Her line of bras and panties were 50% off...but as usual, the panties we're only available in size XXXXXXXXL. 

*****

Thousands of Beatles fans have gathered in Mexico City to establish a new Guinness Record for the most people dressed up like the Fab Four. 

- In order to keep the Beatles impersonators from crossing into the US, Donald Trump says he'll build a Long and Winding Wall. 

*****

Kobe Bryant's emotional retirement poem entitled "Dear Basketball" is being called one of the saddest moments in Sports this year. 

- I haven't been this moved since Dennis Rodman wrote his poem "Dear Wedding Dress Designer". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

It's "Cyber Monday"! 

Gone Shopping... 

Back here tomorrow on "Regular Tuesday".

-Dick 

Thanksgiving Day 2015

From the entire Purtan Family to You and Yours...

Have a Safe, Healthy and Happy Thanksgiving!

Over The River & Through The Woods...

It's the busiest travel day of the year...with millions of Americans making their way to family gatherings for Thanksgiving. 

- The TSA has stepped up security checks...so if you're flying, expect to have your giblets patted down. 

*****

A Gallup poll found that 46% of Americans think Donald Trump would say something inappropriate and kill the mood at Thanksgiving dinner. 

- In my family, that honor used to go to my ex brother-in-law Joe. 

*****

How low can they go? AAA says that gas prices are expected to fall below $2 a gallon as people head out for Thanksgiving. 

- I'm planning on filling up, then staying home until Memorial Day so I'll have a full tank when prices go through the roof. 

*****

Bill & Hillary Clinton will spend Thanksgiving together.

- Hillary will take a break from campaigning and Bill will give Thanks that she's been too busy to keep her eye on him.  

*****

A new report says that a group of Islamic women are secretly recruiting young girls to join ISIS. 

- It's not going very well, though, since none of the girls believe there are actually 72 male virgins in Heaven.   

*****

Dorothy's gingham dress from "The Wizard of Oz" sold for $1.56 million at auction. 

- If you add in the tax, the Toto is actually much higher. 

*****

Have a great Day before the Big Day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick