Women Tickled Pink!

A female "Viagra" pill has been put up for federal review this week that promises to boost sexual desire in women. 

- So you can wait years for the pill to get approved...or just take your wife to see "50 Shades of Grey". 

*****

Speaking of "50 Shades of Grey"...

-During the run, all movie theater concession stands have replaced the "M&M's" with "S&M's". 

- Also Reese's Peanut Butter Cups only come in size Double D. 

*****

A new study has found that napping can relieve stress and strengthen the immune system. 

- This explains why Ruth Bader Ginsberg looked so relaxed when she woke up during the State of the Union. 

*****

Britain is hosting the first ever Small Penis Convention to encourage health body images for men. 

- So far not one guy has signed up to attend...but a lot of their wives have.

*****

Rolls Royce unveiled a new model at the Paris Auto Show that's designed to chauffeur pets.

- Don't they already have a car for Dogs? It's called the Land "Rover". 

*****

A new Dr. Seuss book is being published using materials that were found in his home 22 years after his death. The book is call, "What Pet Should I Get?" 

- His relatives were thrilled with the discovery saying, "A new book! Oh Me... Oh My! More Money for us! From our favorite Dead Guy!" 

*****

IMPORTANT NOTE: Don't forget that the 28th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up a week from tomorrow, February 27, on 760 WJR. The Bed & Bread Club feeds 5000 Metro Detroiters every day, 365 days a year, and shelters 600 men, women and children every single night. I hope you'll tune in and contribute to this vital program! In fact you can even donate RIGHT NOW by calling 248-528-0760 or going to WJR.com. I will be behind the mic from 7pm to 10pm along with Jackie, Big Al and some of the other "Purtan's People" from my radio show. I look forward to once again being a part of this incredible 16 hour event...starting at 6am and going to 10pm...and thank you in advance for your support!!! 

For a look at just how bad the situation in Detroit is...especially for the kids...click on the link. Poverty & Kids In Detroit

-Dick 

"Best in Show"... "Best in Snow"...

The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile crashed on a snowy Pennsylvania road earlier this week.  

- Police say they haven't seen this much damage to a Hot Dog since Lorena Bobbitt was involved.  

*****

A Beagle named "Miss P" took Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show last night and today will visit the Empire State Building, have lunch at a NYC Steakhouse and meet with Donald Trump.  

- The dog wants hair styling tips and to find out how The Donald keeps his "coat" so shiny.  

- Looks like "Miss P" is a shoe-in for The Donald's new show "Canine Apprentice". 

- "Miss P" was so excited to win, she "Miss P-eed" all over the judges leg. 

*****

On February 23, Little Caesars will introduce it's new Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza. Each Pizza will cost $12 and come wrapped in 3 and a half feet of Bacon. 

- Bacon is good...but I think we've gone off the rails when we start measuring it in FEET. 

- When you order, just ask for the Heart Attack! Heart Attack! Special. 

*****

Tech experts are predicting that the new Apple Smart Watch, which comes out in April, will sell 20 million units this year. 

- I already HAVE a Smart Watch... It's so Smart it can tell the time! 

*****

Lady Gaga is engaged! 

- She'll be the first bride in history whose wedding gown will be served as the meat entree at the reception. 

*****

A video of Joe Biden massaging the shoulders and whispering in the ear of the wife of our new Defense Secretary Ashton Carter while her husband gave a speech has gone viral. 

- Bill Clinton would have done it but he was out of town. 

*****

A Gallup poll found that 65% of Americans think our handling of the ISIS situation is going badly.

- The other 35% work at the White House. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! And don't forget the 28th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up on Friday, February 27, on 760 WJR! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #150: "James & Jackie: The Untold Personal Story"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #150. In this installment we cover two important topics: The Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon coming up on Friday, Feb. 27 which will be broadcast on WJR 760 (You can even donate NOW by calling 248-528-0760 or go to WJR.com)...and on a personal note, Jackie talks candidly about her relationship with "The Walking Man", James Robertson. It's the not-yet-told behind the scenes story of how she came to know James over the last many months and how what has blossomed into an International news story, began as a simple friendship between James, Jackie, and Blake...the man who many times picked James up on the side of the road and gave him a ride to and from work. You're going to hear details of the whole James Story that no one has heard before. It's worth the listen I promise...and you might even want to share this with your friends. 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick

Williams Suspended After Pants Catch On Fire...

NBC News announced that Brian Williams has been suspended for 6 months without pay effective immediately, which will cost him half his annual salary which comes to a cool $5 million. 

- Brian immediately issued a statement saying "After all my close call war experiences in Iraq, I need a vacation anyway".   

*****

Jon Stewart told his audience yesterday that he will retire later this year after 17 years of hosting "The Daily Show". 

- I'm no Nostradamus...but I'm thinkin' we might be looking at "The NBC Nightly New with Jon Stewart". 

*****

A new survey by Time Out Magazine found that Brits have the sexiest, "most dateable" accent in the world. 

- This must be the reason why Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles find each other so HOT. 

- The "least sexy" accent in the world went to the the women on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey". 

*****

Samsung's new Smart TV's are reportedly eavesdropping on owners' private conversations. 

- So far the most common thing they've overheard is, "300 plus channels and there's not one damn thing worth watching". 

- Coming in a close second: "Honey, grab the chips and dip...Duck Dynasty's coming on!"

*****

This Thursday will be Rosie O'Donnell's last day on The View. 

- The staff plans to throw a huge party...on FRIDAY. 

*****

In his State of the City Address last night, Mayor Duggan said Detroit is "On the road to recovery". 

- Which is good news unless you happen to drive into one of the many potholes on that road. 

*****

Charles Manson called off his wedding after learning that his bride-to-be just wanted to sell his corpse to a museum when he dies. 

- Apparently he forgot to include the whole "don't sell my corpse" thing in their Pre-NUT-ual Agreement. 

- This is good news for all you single ladies looking for a mass murderer! Charlie is back on the market!!!

*****

Critics are giving "50 Shades of Grey" only 3 stars because of it's underwhelming dialogue. 

- What dialogue??? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

James: An Update

Mayor Mike Duggan will deliver his State of the City Address tonight at 7pm...but will be minus one of the special guests he invited to attend. James Robertson, the man who has earned the respect and admiration of people worldwide for walking 21 miles to get to his factory job and back, has politely declined the Mayor's invite. Why? Because his shift doesn't end until 10pm. As he told the Free Press, "It would interfere with my work. That's just me". Despite being in the spotlight, being gifted a new car, and receiving over $350,000 in donations... James is still James. It doesn't get any better than that!! 

*****

NECCO, the company that makes candy hearts, is putting "emoticons"on their Valentine Candy Hearts this year. 

- This will be a great Valentine's Gift for my wife Gail...and will mean even more when I figure out what an "Emoticon" is. 

*****

Today is "Extraterrestrial Culture Day"...a day celebrating Extraterrestrial visitors. 

- You know, like Dennis Rodman. 

*****

Brian Williams announced that he's pulling out of a scheduled appearance on David Letterman's show. 

- Apparently he's afraid Dave would take a lot of shots at him...and even if he didn't, Brian would claim that he did. 

*****

Tonight is the season premiere of "Amish Mafia" on the Discovery Channel. 

- If you've been hankering for a slow-speed buggy chase, tonight is your night.

- It's just like "The Sopranos" except people don't get whacked with guns, they get hit with wheels of cheese. 

*****

Bill Cosby cancelled two shows in Boston due to an extreme weather forecast. 

- Instead, he'll stay in his nice, warm hotel room and have a friend over for a drink from the mini-bar. 

*****

Tiger Woods has fallen to a career worst of 62nd in the World Golf Rankings. 

- Once again, Tiger's putter seems to have gotten him in trouble. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Brian Williams Under Fire...This Time FOR REAL

Brian Williams announced that he's taking some time off to regroup in the wake of the "I was in a helicopter that was hit by an RPG" scandal. 

- Williams career is going down like the Titantic... which he was on, by the way. 

- If he ends up getting fired, there will be a bright side. It will give him plenty of time to work on his book, "Lone Survivor: How I Made It Out Of The Hindenburg Alive". 

*****

Madonna kicked off the 2015 Grammys last night with a performance of her new single. 

- The song is a remake of her old hit "Vogue" but this time it's called "AARP Magazine". 

Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett sang a duet of the classic "Cheek to Cheek". 

- You know that song...it's the one about Kim Kardashian putting on her underwear. 

*****

The new Spongebob Squarepants movie was #1 at the box office over the weekend, knocking American Sniper out of the top spot. 

- I've got one word for Spongebob... DUCK! 

*****

No word yet on who will replace Rosie O'Donnell after her decision the leave "The View". 

- How about Brian Williams? He could enthrall the girls on The View with all of his war stories. 

*****

A new book claims that Charles Manson's new bride married him so she can keep his corpse when he dies. 

- Could those two crazy kids be anymore in love???

*****

A study by Medicine Net found that having spontaneous sex can increase your lifespan. 

- If this is true, Charlie Sheen is gonna live to be 200 years old. 

- But if you have spontaneous sex with Lindsay Lohan you're gonna need some antibiotics. 

*****

A German cannibal received 300 offers after placing an ad for a volunteer who wanted to be killed and eaten. 

- Those who responded included a Mr. Frank N. Beans, H. Amburger, and a Miss Patty Melt. 

- Let's just hope this guy's not on Facebook...I don't want to see a picture of who he had for dinner last night. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick 

A Picture Perfect Day...

Jackie was on hand at Suburban Ford in Sterling Heights at noon today when James Robertson, the Detroit man who has made International news and gained worldwide admiration for his tireless work ethic, was surprised with a brand new 2015 Ford Taurus. After ten plus years of walking 21 miles to get to and from his job, as of today, James has his own car. 

The first pic is courtesy of the Detroit Free Press photographer Ryan Garza. The other three were taken by Jackie...with the last one showing the great amount of media that was on hand. 

James...

The inspiring story of James Robertson continues to touch the hearts and minds of people not only here in Detroit, but around the Nation and the World. And there are big things happening for him this week...(stay tuned!) But first, I want to share with you a video put together by Detroit Free Press Journalist Bill Laitner and his Videographer, Ryan Garza, that appeared on Freep.com. It's a look at "A Day in The Life" of this remarkable man - who walks 21 miles to get to work and back to his home everyday.  If you've wondered what all the buzz is about...just watch. And if you haven't listened to our special Podcast with James yet, recorded as usual, at the Purtan dining room table, just click on the Podcast bar at the bottom of this page to hear even more from a true gentleman whose determination, work ethic, wit and wisdom honestly, knocked my socks off!  -Dick  (If the 2 minute video starts before you're done reading this...just hit "Replay" at the end). 

Purtan Podcast #149: "James Robertson: The Walker"

Click here to download Podcast 

If you read the lead story in the Free Press Sunday, or have watched CBS This Morning, The TODAY Show, Fox and Friends on cable or a host of local TV reports, you know the story of James Roberston. He's the local man who walks 21 miles to and from work 5 days a week - and has for the last eleven years - without missing a single day. 

Jackie is lucky enough to call this exceptional man her friend and today he joins us, along with Blake Pollock, the man who first "found" James, for a conversation, giving us all the chance to get to know him on a more personal level. 

James not only embodies an incredible determination and work ethic so rare in America these days, he is funny, smart, wise, humble and simply put: remarkable. 

Please join us for this very special Podcast with a very special man: James. 

Have a great day...  (48:32)

-Dick 

It's Super Bowl Weekend...Why Not An Instant Replay?

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and an Encore Presentation of Podcast #148!

I'm putting last week's Podcast up again because I've got a surprise coming up for you at the beginning of next week. I'm recording it on Monday with a very special guest - unlike any I've had on in the past. 

You'll be reading this man's incredible story in the Freep this Sunday - and he - James - will be joining me, along with Jackie and her friend Blake, with more on this exceptional man, and how a random act of kindness by Blake brought the three of them together.  

So for now...It's #148: The Sequel (or actually...The Repeat) 

Topics include: 

- The upcoming 28th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon, Friday Feb. 27, on WJR 760.

-  "No Pudge Brownies"... the great way to enjoy my favorite dessert with all the fudginess and none of the pudginess.  

- National DJ Day - surprisingly, a day honoring Club DJ's for "bringing energy to the dance floor", NOT Radio DJ's. But it doesn't matter because Radio guys like being called "Air Personalities" instead. 

- The current controversy over the New England Patriots and who deflated their footballs...and my personal experience with deflated footballs on the street where I grew up. 

- The 6 NFL teams I always root for... and why. 

- And a little known story about a former Buffalo Bills QB who was framed by the mafia... involving a drugged drink, a hotel bed, a hooker and a photograph. 

I look forward to sharing James amazing journey with you next week...but for now, tune in again (or for the first time!) to Podcast #148.

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday!

-Dick 

Ghost BUSTers!

Hollywood has announced the cast of the upcoming ALL FEMALE remake of "Ghostbusters". 

- The plot will be the same as the original, but the tag line will be changed to "Who Ya Gonna Call...And Spend Hours On The Phone Just Talking? Ghostbusters!"

*****

An Islamic Cleric has issued a Fatwa against women who post Selfies. 

- Now if we can just figure out a way to get Miley Cyrus to convert to Islam.

*****

Michelle Obama angered Muslim leaders by refusing to wear the traditional head scarf during a visit to Saudi Arabia. 

- And they were really ticked off when she took away the roasted lamb they were having for lunch and replaced it with Kale Kabobs. 

*****

After the worst sales slump in a decade, the CEO of McDonald's is stepping down.

- His PR rep said simply, "He's NOT Lovin' It". 

- His forced retirement package will consist of "Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions and A Couple Million Bucks On A Sesame Seed Bun". 

- The head of Burger King called the McDonald's shake-up "A Whoppr of a move". 

*****

Just days ahead of the Super Bowl, NE Patriot's QB Tom Brady has admitted that he's battling a pretty tough cold that he got from his wife Gisele Bunchen and their kids. 

- To show you just how sick he is, Tom has hired a private nurse to show up before the game and deflate the balls for him. 

- If the Patriots end up defeating the Seahawks, team members plan on skipping the Gatorade and dumping a giant bucket of Theraflu on Tom's head.

*****

Bruce Jenner is allegedly in talks with E! to develop a story that would cover "his journey"...presumably one that will end up the announcement that he is indeed Transgender. 

- The project will get the green-light as soon as Bruce decides which earrings and necklace he wants to wear to the premiere. 

*****

Speaking of the Kardashian's... Kim says she and Kanye are trying "really hard" to get pregnant with a little brother or sister for daughter North West. 

- They've already picked out a name... South East.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

"ARE YOU READY FOR SOME...HELICOPTERS???"

The U.S. Customs and Border Security are sending Black Hawk helicopters and massive X-ray trucks to the Super Bowl. 

- It's not to protect the people...it's to make sure nobody deflates the footballs. 

*****

According to the poultry industry, Americans will consume 1.25 billion Chicken Wings during the Super Bowl this Sunday. 

- That's like ten more than American's consume on every other Sunday of the year. 

*****

Th man who crashed his remote-controlled drone on the White House lawn has turned himself in. 

- This is what happens when you give Joe Biden a drone making-kit for Christmas. 

*****

People in the Philippines are enjoying a new treat from KFC called the "Double Down Hot Dog".  

- People who have tried it so far say "It takes just like Chicken". 

*****

A French court outlawed a couple from naming their daughter Nutella. 

- The couples other two kids, Spinach Dip and Roasted Garlic Hummus, said "Where was this judge when WE were born???" 

*****

Michael Moore has been banned from a Michigan steakhouse for making critical comments about the film "American Sniper".  

- The story will be made into a few film, "American Over Eater". 

*****

During yesterday's "Super Bowl Media Day" a child asked Patriot's coach Bill Bellicheck what his favorite stuffed animal was. Bill said it was Curious George. 

- As in "Curious about other NFL teams play books". 

*****

The in-flight magazine SkyMall is going out of business. 

- This means I'm going to have to go back to studying the configurations of all the airports Delta serves. . 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #148: "We Didn't Drop The Ball...This One Is Fully Inflated!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #148...today Jackie and I take our places at the Purtan dining room table for a verbal feast on topics including:

- The upcoming 28th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon, Friday Feb. 27, and the new location in Royal Oak for the big broadcast.  

-  "No Pudge Brownies"... the great way to enjoy my favorite dessert with all the fudginess and none of the pudginess.  

- National DJ Day - surprisingly, a day honoring Club DJ's for "bringing energy to the dance floor", NOT Radio DJ's. But it doesn't matter because Radio guys like being called "Air Personalities" instead. 

- The current controversy over the New England Patriots and who deflated their footballs...and my personal experience with deflated footballs on the street where I grew up. 

- The 6 NFL teams I always root for... and why. 

- A little known story about a former Buffalo Bills QB who was framed by the mafia... involving a drugged drink, a hotel bed, a hooker and a photograph. 

- And an astonishing and heartwarming story about a very special acquaintance of Jackie's...a man named James... that will appear in the Free Press this Sunday or Monday. 

I encourage you to watch out for the story in the Freep. It will blow you away. In the meantime, tune in to Podcast #148 - it's fully inflated! (35:34)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Magic Measles?

Several employees at Disneyland have tested positive for the Measles. 

- Meanwhile Six of the Seven Dwarfs have gone on antibiotics for an "undisclosed" condition after Snow White got back from a trip to Vegas with Prince Charming.  

*****

Multiple sources say that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg fell asleep during Tuesday night's State of the Union. 

- I didn't see it myself as I'd nodded off during that part of the speech. 

- In her defense, Ginsberg is 81 years old. By 9pm she's usually in bed watching reruns of Matlock. 

*****

An app called "Invisible Boyfriend" creates social media posts that will make people think you've landed a guy. 

- You'll still be sitting on your couch in sweats eating ice cream on Saturday night, but your fake friends will think you're on a hot date. 

*****

The Mayor of Paris plans on suing Fox News because the American network "insulted" her city during its coverage of the terror attacks in France. 

- And if anyone knows about "Insulting"...it's the French. 

*****

Pope Francis announced that he's booked a trip to New York for this coming September. 

- He's dying to try the kosher corned beef at the Carnegie Deli. 

- They won't have to worry much about security, since most New Yorkers will just assume he's some lunatic dressed in a Pope costume. 

- He'll hold a mass, greet followers on the streets, and bless millions of cockroaches and rats all over the city. 

*****

The NFL has now confirmed that 11 of the 12 balls used by the Patriots in their 45-7 win over the Colts were under inflated. 

- Underinflation hasn't made this many headlines since Hugh Hefner's last honeymoon. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT...

As many of you know, yesterday on my Facebook page, I announced that I was taking a day off from the blog to explore a possible run for President in 2016... albeit of my Neighborhood Homeowners Association. 

Hundreds of you responded...and I was bowled over with your kind words, support and encouragement. I can't thank you enough. 

I have been a very fortunate man and have always wanted to do whatever I can to “give back” to my community.. or in this case, “Subdivision”.

But after long talks with my staff (actually I just mentioned it to my wife Gail and the UPS guy who delivered a package yesterday) it is with a heavy heart that I announce today that, after careful consideration, I have decided against throwing my hat in the ring for President of the Neighborhood Homeowners Association. 

While it would have been an honor to serve - and make important decisions about things like trash pick-up and which day to hold the annual Subdivision Garage Sale, I feel the pressure and responsibility of such an esteemed office would take too much time away from my family…and would really cut into my time running to the drugstore to pick up more vitamins.

One need only look at one of our Greatest Presidents…Mr. Belevedere…to see the toll such a responsibility can take on a man. 

And so for now, I will remain a simple Homeowner. I thank you all again for your support. And who knows…There’s always 2020! 

-Dick

Super Max Gone From Tigers For Sure-Zer!

Scherzer has signed a 7 year contract with the Washington National's for $180 million. Cha Ching!

*****

It's MLK Day... the day we honor a great man and orator who led and promoted PEACEFUL protests to effect much needed change. 

*****

A passing car fired shots at Joe Biden's Delaware home while he was out to dinner with his wife. 

- Luckily the shooter didn't realize that the Vice President doesn't lock his front door either. 

*****

A female broker at a top Wall Street firm is giving up banking to join the porn industry. 

- Instead of a lateral move...it's more of a "horizontal move". 

*****

Jane Fonda admitted that her visit to Vietnam during the war was a "huge mistake". 

- It only took her 43 years...I'm sure Vietnam Vets will be rushing to send her "Tank You" notes. 

*****

A gym teacher in Queens, NY pleaded guilty to having sex with two of her male students and received 10 years probation. 

- The boys were all smiles until they found out she gave one a "B" and the other one a "C-". 

*****

A Costa Rican woman has been stealing flat screen TVs by putting them under her dress and walking out of stores. 

- Police describer her as about 60" tall with an incredibly flat chest. 

*****

A British man was arrested for having sex with a mailbox. 

- I guess he took that whole "putting the flag up" thing pretty seriously. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

It's Seems Like We Just Did This Last Week...

Happy Friday... We had such a positive reaction to last week's Podcast that I thought I'd post it again this week for those of you who missed it. (And also to give myself a day off!) So here it is... An Encore Presentation of Podcast #147 entitled "A Podcast So Interesting Even I Liked Listening To It" Enjoy! 

*****

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #147...featuring our special guest, former "Purtan's Person", Tom Delisle. We recorded it between Christmas and New Year's and cover topics including: 

- Doug & Bob McKenzie's connection with Gene Taylor.

- Survey results for the "Worst TV Actor of All Time".

- The friend of Tom's who Murdered actor Bob Crane. 

- Denny McClain's somewhat convoluted history in baseball and "other things"... like crime.  

- What Hugh Hefner HAS to HAVE 24/7. 

- The "Four Hour Medical Problem" that Tom lives in constant fear of getting.  

- Bill Bonds & Bob Hope.

- The Biggest Hollywood Star of the first half of the 20th Century??? 

- Three of the Worst Pop Songs of all time. 

- Tom's mishap on the Toronto-to-Detroit Train and why he should have paid someone's dry cleaning bill...but didn't. 

- A "Purtan's No-Stars" hockey story about my former radio engineer Louie Shook. 

- And what Louie wore the day the Detroit News showed up to take his picture for the cover of the Sunday Magazine. 

So forget about the cold weather... and warm up to Podcast #147!  (51:24)

Click here to download Podcast

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

"Bye Bye Bobby!"

Bob Bashara will be sentenced today for the murder of his wife, Jane,  in 2012. Bashara hired a hit man to kill her so he could pursue an "alternative sex lifestyle" with his mistress. 

- I'm betting he's going to spend the rest of his life pursuing an "alternative sex lifestyle"...but this time his "Mistress" will be a 280 pound guy named Bubba. 

- Bashara will be the only guy in the yard trying to trade cigarettes for a blindfold and a studded dog collar. 

*****

The U.S. section of the International Space Station was evacuated over fears of a gas leak. 

- The astronauts called Consumers Energy who said they'll be there to check it out on February 10th, 2016...between the hours of 1 and 5...and someone must be home when they arrive. 

*****

A Pew Research Poll found that 56% of Americans over the age of 65 use Facebook. 

- And 70% post pictures on Insta-granny. 

*****

A Wisconsin Bull who sired over 500,000 offspring has died. 

- With a gigantic smile on his face.  

- If he'd fathered just a few more he could have played in the NBA. 

*****

A Saudi Cleric has banned Snowmen, claiming that they are "anti-Islamic and inspire lust". 

- Apparently he doesn't realize that when you make a Snowman, you use the Carrot for his NOSE. 

- Reaction to the ban was Frosty. 

- Wouldn't it be more appropriate to ban "Sandmen" in the Middle East???

*****

Chinese authorities busted a man at the airport who had 94 iPhones taped to his body. 

- They were going to tase him, but he had all the phones on "Vibrate" so they just called him instead. 

******

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

A Golden Opportunity For Beautiful People!

A Korean Restaurant in Central China is charging diners based on how good looking they are. A panel of plastic surgeons assess the customers looks when they come in and determine how much their meals will cost. People deemed "Beautiful" will eat for free. 

-  This being a Korean restaurant, if they think you're a dog, you're gonna end up paying a lot more for your Golden Retriever Kebobs. 

*****

A mentally ill bartender who was recently fired from John Boehner's Country Club in Ohio has been arrested after claiming that he was planning on poisoning Boehner's drinks because the Speaker was "mean to him and responsible for Ebola".  

- He says he got the whole "spike the drink" idea from his hero, Bill Cosby. 

- Boehner was so upset he was red faced. Well actually...he was more orange faced. 

*****

Woody Allen is writing and directing his first TV series for Amazon. 

- I really thought he'd do something for Nickelodeon instead.  

*****

An Oxford University study found that humans evolved from fish. 

- They only studied one guy... Salmon Rushdie. 

*****

Vanity Fair claims Taylor Swift had a breakdown after the Golden Globes when she saw her ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal dancing with a bunch of women. 

- A bunch of women? We're not just gonna get a song out of this...we're gonna get a whole ALBUM. 

*****

President Obama unveiled tough new cyber security legislation that will make it much harder on hackers. 

- He's hiring the same guys who designed the Obamacare website so I think we can all sleep a little easier tonight. 

*****

Matthew McConaughey's audition tape to play a stoner in "Dazed and Confused" has been leaked online. 

- I think in this case "audition tape" is code for "home movie". 

*****

Mike Huckabee officially released his new book entitled, "God, Guns, Grits and Gravy". 

- They were going to make it into a movie but realized it would be cheaper to just show re-runs of "Duck Dynasty". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Oh-My-O State!

Over 40 Million people tuned in as The Ohio State Buckeyes decimated the heavily favored Oregon Ducks 42 to 20 to win the National College Football Championship last night. 

- Ironically 42 to 20 is also the IQ range for most of the OSU players... although that's just a rough guess since most of them don't go to class.  

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick's attorney will appear at the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Cincinnati today in an attempt to get the Kwaminator a new trial. Kwame claims his lawyer in the trial that landed him in the slammer had a "conflict of interest" and didn't adequately represent him. 

- That sounds familiar... Didn't Kwame have a "conflict of interest" with the citizens of Detroit while he was the Mayor? Like NOT REPRESENTING the people adequately??? 

*****

Political Pundits here and abroad are saying that President Obama let the entire world down by not attending the "Charlie Hebdo" Unity Rally in France.

- Well not the WHOLE world. Dennis Rodman says Kim Jong Un was totally cool with it. 

***** 

A Facebook survey found that 60% of Americans have already broken their New Year's Resolutions. 

- Even more shocking... the survey was taken at noon on January 2nd. 

- The #1 broken Resolution was "I will not participate in surveys on Facebook". 

*****

An ISIS hacker group infiltrated the Twitter account of the U.S. Central Command and also took over their YouTube page. 

- So I guess all those tweets about George Clooney looking great at the Golden Globes weren't from our Military Commanders...they were from the terrorists. 

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A study by Reuters found that a high-fiber diet lowers your risk of death. 

- And dramatically increases your risk of spending all day in the bathroom.

- Remember the late Comic Dennis Wolfberg's line: "You can't eat Fiber One and hold a job". 

*****

Researchers at the University of Missouri found that people who are separated from their iPhones suffer serious mental and physical side effects. 

- The condition is known as: iWantMyPhoneBackNowOrSomebody'sGonnaGetHurt

- Luckily, if it happens to you...There's an app for that! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick