Martha Stewart Gone Wild!

In an interview last week, Martha Stewart admitted to sexting, having a one-night stand, and most shockingly - having a threesome. 

- Or as the other two participants in the threesome called it, “NOT a Good Thing!”

- I’m thinking the one night stand happened back when she was in Prison.  

*****

New research shows that women go through 150 hairstyles in a lifetime. 

- Except for Marge Simpson who just sticks with one. 

- About 50 of the hairstyles happen in the hours leading up to a teenager’s Senior Prom. 

- Men, on the other hand have only three hairstyles: Having hair, The Combover, and Completely Bald. 

*****

Interest in Paula Deen’s annual cruise has increased so much that another one has been added. 

- She just loves the ocean…especially the white caps. (Ooooh Sorry! Cheap shot!)

*****

Former New England Patriots receiver Dion Branch said murder suspect Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy”. 

- Isn’t that what Dennis Rodman said about Kim Jong Un? 

- And let’s not forget that Hitler was a terrific dancer! 

- Branch added that he’s not only “a great guy”, but “a great shot” as well. 

*****

Jessica Simpson says she thinks her newborn baby boy, Ace Knute Johnson, is going to become President of the United States. 

- Well I think we can pretty much rule out brain surgeon and rocket scientist.   

*****

Today is World UFO Day. It was started in 2001 and is dedicated to the existance of Unidentified Flying Objects. 

- In Washington DC it’s know as “Eric Snowden Day” since they can’t undentify his current location and have no idea where he’s flying to. 

*****

Have a great day…and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy Birthdaze!!!!!

It’s the first of July! A great month! (Did I mention it’s my Birthday month? I’ve already made my reservations at Chuck E. Cheese!) But I’m getting ahead of myself… Yesterday, June 30, was daughter Jackie’s, (and partner in web and podcasting crime’s) Birthday! The pic was taken last night at exactly 9:03pm by my wife (and her mother) Gail! Now that I think about it…Gail probably should have been in the picture since her “contribution” to Jackie’s being born was substatially greater (and time consuming) than mine!

***** 

Speaking of getting older, Saturday night the Rolling Stones performed in front of a crowd of 170,000 at a festival in England and got rave reviews! Not bad for a band who’s aggregate age is 276. One reviewer said “The last time they perfeormed in front of that many people was when they played the Stonehenge Opening Ceremony in 2300BC”.

- Personally I thought it was when they played in Egypt at the opening of the Great Pyramid in 2600BC. 

*****

Saturday was National Camera Day. 

- Or as Anthony Weiner calls it: Saturday. 

- Poloroid had originally planned a big party, but nothing developed. 

- It’s the one day of the year people on Facebook spend the entire time taking and posting “cute” pictures of their cats. No wait…that’s everyday.

*****

In an interview, Cher ranked Tom Cruise as number one of her top 5 lovers. 

- Ironically, so did her son Chaz Bono. 

- She said George Washington would have made the cut if it wasn’t for those pesky wooden teeth! 

*****

Alec Baldwin went on a wild, expletive-filled homophobic Twitter rant against a British reporter last Friday. 

- He should save his expletive-filled rants for the people who deserve them…like his daughter. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

"But Weight! There's More!"

Welcome to the weekend and a shiny new Podcast - #84! In this go-around, I’m joined by the usual suspects - my wife Gail and my daughter Jackie. And there’s no better way for a guy to start a discussion with two “chicks” then by bringing up a new study that found that in the last 50 years, American women have become more overweight than at any other time in the country’s history. (Good move, Dick!) I’ll explain the scientific theory and the ladies “weigh in”, if you will, will their own opinions. 

Speaking of weight…Jackie shares her story about joining a gym - and in her enthusiasm to “get in shape” - stepping into an Extreme “Zoomba” dance class without so much as a single step on the treadmill. You’ll find out how she managed to survive and offers some “inside Zoomba” info that just might have men wanting to join the class. (And it has nothing to do with getting in shape). 

My exercise of choice these days has been swimming and I tell you a story involving me and twenty-five women in a pool. Plus Gail explains how I’ve apparently misunderstood the philosophy behind a trendy new diet.  

We also cover everything from Jackie’s son Charlie’s music concert to Anthony Weiner. (Actually, I wish someone would “cover” Anthony Weiner!) 

So usher out the end of June by tuning in to Podcast #83. It’ll even help you burn a few calories! (Or not.)

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday to begin my Birthday Month Festival!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #84  (34:12)

Paula's Recipe For Disaster!

In addition to being fired from the Food Network for admitting to making racial slurs in the past, Southern Cook Paula Deen has now been dropped by Wal-Mart. 

- Which is amazing since half their profits come from the stretch pants they sell to people who eat her food! 

*****

Bobby Ferguson will be back in court today to declare that he’s completely broke and can’t afford a lawyer. But prosecutors say he has no proof of any of it on paper. 

- And if you can’t trust Bobby, who can you trust? How about Kwame? Oh yeah…I forgot. I’d ask him but he’s in the infirmary getting some ice for his bum knee. 

*****

A funeral director in Farmville, Virginia is offering a new service to grieving relatives: A drive-thru viewing window. He says it will help the elderly who want to pay their respects but have a hard time getting out of their cars. 

- If you’re emotional and crying…don’t forget to ask for extra napkins.  

- One man has already complained, saying the guy he viewed in the window wasn’t his Uncle, proving once again…THEY ALWAYS GET IT WRONG AT THE DRIVE-THRU!

*****

A man is Wisconsin has pleaded guilty to having sex with an abandoned couch on a public street. 

- Apparently he misunderstood the definition of a “Sex-tional”.

***** 

Yesterday the Supreme Court declared part of the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, which will allow legally married gay couples to apply for federal benefits. 

- Meanwhile, the Government is so broke, they’ve asked the Supreme Court to declare all “Federal Benefits” unconstitutional. 

The Court also let stand a ruling that struck down California’s Prop 8 gay marriage ban, so gay marriage will soon be legal again in California. 

- And so will gay divorce! 

*****

The New England Patriot’s have dropped tight end Aaron Hernandez after he was officially charged with murdering a friend following a dispute at a nightclub. 

- If convicted, he can kiss his days as a tight end goodbye. 

- OJ has already offered to write a book for Hernandez called, “If He Did It”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! 

-Dick

Kwame's Latest "Knee & Jerk" Reaction...

Kwame is Komplaining - AGAIN. Despite being allowed out of jail twice a week for post-knee surgery rehab, Kaptain Korruption is now whining that the prison doesn’t have the “ice and workout equipment” he needs to do therapy inside the Hooscow. 

- What does he need ice for? He’s already got the biggest cubes in the joint. 

- To be honest, he is going to need strong knees…for all that praying of course. 

- Speaking of exercise equipment, Kwame used to make Christine Beatty refer to him as “The Thigh Master”. 

*****

In other fun prison news…Robert Bashara, who pled guilty to hiring a hitman to kill his wife, is in trouble with the Warden. A recent search of his cell revealed a stash of “Contraband”. The illegal items? Packets of ketchup, sugar and jelly he lifted from the cafeteria. 

- Sounds like Bashera’s got some learning to do. Everybody knows you can’t make a shiv out of a packet of ketchup. 

- Stealing condiments? Sounds like he’s got prison food and prison sex mixed up. 

*****

The Obama administration is reaching out to NFL players to help promote the “Affordable Care Act”. 

- They were going to ask Major League Baseball Players to help out, but they figured it be easier to get guys who have suffered numerous concussions to agree. 

*****

A new poll shows that 76% of Americans are living paycheck-to-paycheck. 

- The other 24% work for the IRS. 

*****

Colonel Sander’s original white suit has sold at auction for $21,000. 

- So now the guy who bought it can cross one more thing off his Bucket List. 

- 21 grand for a suit sounded expensive…until you remember that it came with cole slaw, mashed potatoes & gravy and a biscuit. 

*****

Former porn star Jenna Jamison is considering a run for Congress. 

- Why not? She’s already slept with half the guys on the Hill. 

- She’s also willing to be appointed “Under Secretary” of anything. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#83) up now on the homepage!

-Dick

"And The Rockets Red Glare..."

Despite reports of gunfire that send hundreds of Fireworks watchers scrambling, the Big Night over the Detroit river went off pretty much without a hitch. 

- There hasn’t been that much explosive activity downtown since Monica Conyers was on the City Council. 

- In case you missed it, the night can pretty much be summed up in two words: “Ooooooh!” and “Ahhhhh!”.

*****

NSA Whistleblower Eric Snowden remains MIA as of this writing. Some believe he is still in Russia being questioned about US spying techniques against that country. 

- The US government says they know they can find him…if he’d just apply for tax-exempt status! 

- Apple is furiously working on a new tracking device to help catch him. Their slogan is: “Trying to Find Eric Snowden? There’s an App For That!”

*****

McDonald’s is re-shaping their McNuggets to make them seem more natural. 

- It’s just like what Lorena Bobbitt did except for the “looking more natural” part. 

*****

A 60-year-old Washington State man’s lifelong dream to fly 268 miles to Oregon in a lawn chair with helium balloons tied to it went awry when he had to be rescued after crash landing in the top of a 40 foot tree. 

- It didn’t work for him…but it did give Eric Snowden a great idea! 

- Rescusers had a hard time finding him until they finally heard “Help Me” coming from a Munchkin-sounding man’s voice.

*****

British scientists have discovered that plants are able to do math. 

-Except for certain flowers that are too Impatiens to do long-division. 

*****

Researchers at Caltech found that people who receive a mild electrical shock found potential dates more attractive than they did before the shock. 

- This explains why drunk, lonely guys in bars often yell, “Tase me bro!”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

He Made It! So It's Not The Enda Wallenda!

Nik Wallenda, great grandson of the original, “Flying Wallenda”, successfully crossed the Grand Canyon live on the Discovery Channel last night without a security harness. He walked most of the distance, but actually ran the last bit into the arms of his crying wife and amazed kids. 

- You want to see amazed kids, you should have seen mine over the weekend when I misplaced the TV remote and actually WALKED all the way to the TV to change the channel. 

*****

After eleven years, the Food Networks Queen of Southern cooking, Paula Deen, has been fired after she admitted that in the past, she used racial epithets and allowed racially-charged comments in the workplace. 

- Look for her new book, “Cooking with African-American Eyed Peas” coming to a bookstore near you.

*****

NSA Whistleblower Eric Snowden is not as of this writing on his way from Russia to asylum in Equador. 

- The only thing they know for sure is that he’ll be making a brief stop in Cuba…to pick up some cigars. 

*****

Speaking of air travel, a new study finds that Americans rate Airlines lower than the US Post Office in terms of customer satisfaction. 

- If you’d like to hear more on this story in English, press one. To hear it in Spanish, press two.

*****

Some people are complaining that this year’s World’s Ugliest Dog contest was rigged after the title went to a dog that was far from the ugliest.

- Hey, Shitzu happens.

- People knew something was wrong when the “Miss Congeniality” prize went to a Pit Bull. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have revealed of their baby girl: North West. 

- I thought for sure they were headed in a different direction. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

P.S. Check out my latest Podcast (#83) by clicking right here! Purtan Podcast #83

Purtan Podcast #83: "Mother Nature Skips Spring...Goes Straight To Summer!"

Welcome to the first weekend of Summer and Podcast #83! In today’s all-new edition, Jackie, my wife Gail & I find all kinds of stuff to talk about - including the latest “dig” for Jimmy Hoffa, who (surprisingly)  they did NOT find! (They did however manage to locate a needle in a haystack). 

Speaking of people in the, uh, “family business”, the three of us weigh in on the untimely death of the great actor James Gandolfini. Anyone who can “whack” people for a living and still make the audience love him is pretty amazing! He was sort of the Lawrence Olivier of Mafia Actors. (Or “Larry Oliver” as he’s known at my house). 

We also discuss the American Medical Association’s declaration that Obesity is a “disease”, and we’ll tell you the real reason Lindsay Lohan moved out of the Betty Ford Treatment Center and checked into a different Rehab in Malibu. 

As we “Spin the Wheel of Topics”…we also land on Cher, a new Chinese product designed to “Repel Perverts”, plus a new Muppet, “Alex”,  for kids who have a parent in Prison. (Everytime I see a picture of Kwame in a fur coat, I mistake him for a Giant Muppet!) 

There’s tons more - so “take a load off” and “click on to” Podcast #83!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday with my regular Blog! 

Dick

Purtan Podcast #83   (41:07)

"Bada-Boom, Bada-Bye..."

RIP - Actor James Gandolfini, best known for his role as Tony - the mobster with a heart - on the hit HBO series “The Sopranos”, died yesterday from Cardiac Arrest at the age of 51. Gandolfini suffered the coronary while on vacation with his 18 year-old-son in Rome. In addition to his son from his first marriage, he leaves behind his second wife, whom he married in 2008, and an 8-month old baby girl. 

The admittedly overweight Gandolfini, won three Emmy’s for his role as the head of the Soprano “organized crime” family during the shows 6-year-run. And his performance did something unique: It made viewers not only “like” the bad guy, but actully root for him over the Feds. (Of course this was back in the days when people actually thought the Feds were good guys!) 

For six years, millions of Americans tuned into every Sunday night to watch Tony chat with his therapist, have a nice family dinner, then go whack somebody. As a tribute to the man and actor, people called “A cold-hearted murderer with a heart of gold”…I’m posting the heart-stoppingly open-ended final scene of “The Sopranos”. 

RIP Tony…

-Dick

New Podcast tomorrow!

"Spring Is Sprung, The Grass Is Riz...I Wonder Where Jimmy Hoffa Is?"

Today marks the third day of digging in the latest attempt to find the body of Jimmy Hoffa. Former mobster Tony Zerilli told the Feds that the former Teamster boss is buried in a field in Northern Oakland County. 

- It’s kind of like “Where in the World is Matt Lauer”…except for the finding him part. 

PERSONAL NOTE: Years ago, Tom Ryan and I had lunch at the Roma Cafe one day. At the large round table next to us sat a Detroit mobster named “Fat Tony” surrounded by six of his lieutenants. When they finished lunch, the lieutenants stood up and kissed “Fat Tony” on the cheek, and the whole group left. When I recently heard about Tony Zerilli and his tip to the Feds, I assumed he was the one at the Roma. But after some Googling, I realized there were so many “Fat Tonys” in the mob, I have no idea who I had lunch next to!

*****

President Obama’s approval ratings fell eight points in the past month. 

- The White House says it was suprised by the news…making it the only thing that Americans are thinking that the Government doesn’t already know about. 

- Taylor Swift is so upset with his performance she’s releasing a song called “I’m Never, Ever, Ever Voting For You Again”.

*****

A study found that drinking beer everyday reduces the risk of kidney stones by 41%. 

- And if you drink light beer, you’re kidney stones will be much smaller.  

- Smoking Pot however will greatly increase your chances of getting Kidney Stoned.  

*****

The Discovery Channel has a new reality series called “Naked and Afraid,” where male and female strangers are stripped and stranded in a remote area with no food or water. 

- They were going to use this plan on Gilligans Island until they realized that not only would MaryAnn and Ginger be naked, but so would Mr. and Mrs. Howell. 

- The “Remote Location” is actually the TSA invasive pat down room at the airport. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West still haven’t released the name of their new baby girl.

- But they plan to release a video of the baby’s first diaper change later this week!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Sesame Street "Sing-Sings" A New Tune...

“Sesame Street” has introduced a new Muppet named Alex who has a parent in prison. 

- The announcement was brought to you by the letters   C-O-N-V-I-C & T. 

- Miss Piggy is already demanding conjugal visits with Kermit. 

- Bert and Ernie said they’re cool with it as long as they get to be cellmates. 

*****

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a claim by NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft that he stole Kraft’s 2005 Super Bowl ring. Putin says it was “a gift”. 

- Sounds to me like Vlad just likes “Putin on the Glitz”. 

- Hey, they’ve been stealing our military secrets for years…maybe Putin thought it was a secret-decoder ring. 

*****

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly handed out a special present to guests at his own birthday party back in January…copies of Hitler’s infamous “Mein Kamph”.

- He’s also insists that everyone refer to his wife as Eva Braun Jong. 

- He got copies of Mein Kamph at the “Our-Tanks-Will-Soon-Cross-Over-Your-Borders” bookstore.  

****

Insiders say Un has also been doing things to try to “build his charisma” like “yelling really loudly at people and throwing things at them”.

- Sounds like somebody needs a prescription for Prozac!

- One guy said Un even threw a missile at him…but it turns out that’s the only way they can get one in the air. 

*****

CNN reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. 

- I’ve seen some dynamite cleavage in my day but c’mon!

- Why spend the money when they can just have the ladies take off their Spanx and blow away an entire city block? 

- Of course the doctors who perform the surgery will be immediately killed for looking at a naked woman. 

*****

A Delaware man has become well-known after he sued his doctor for a penis implant that gave him an 8 month erection.

- He would have sued sooner but he was too embarrassed to stand up in court. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#82) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

"And The Emmy Goes To..."

A Big Congratulations to my daughter JoAnne Purtan for winning the Television Emmy for “Best TV News Anchor” in Michigan! We’re so proud of you Jo!!!!!

*****

Hope you all had a great Father’s Day! And that includes Kanye “Garantuan Ego” West! His “Baby Mama” Kim Kardashian gave birth to a girl over the weekend! The baby was only 5lbs. and was delivered 5 weeks early. 

- 5 pounds? That means Kim only has to lose about 200 pounds  to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight! 

- Kanye taped the birth, but ticked Kim off when he insisted that “Beyonce had the greatest giving-birth video of all time!”

No word yet on what those two crazy kids will name their little girl, but they told family and friends it will “start with a K”. 

- My money is on “Ka-ching”!

*****

In an interview Chelsea Clinton said it’s time for a woman in the Oval Office. 

- Apparently she was too young to remember all the one’s her dad had there! 

*****

New England Patriot’s owner Robert Kraft said Russian President Vladimir Putin stole his 2005 Super Bowl ring.

- He didn’t even know it was missing until Edward Snowden leaked him the info.

***** 

A new Rasmussen poll found that 57% of Americans are afraid the government will use the massive data collected by the NSA to harrass government critics. 

- The other 43% were afraid to take part in the poll. 

*****

Columbian poet Raffel Medina Brochero is offering to sell his testicles for 20 grand to fund a European poetry-reading tour. 

- His wife will now refer to him as “The Old and Chain”. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan has transferred from the Betty Ford Center

in Palms Springs to a Rehab center in Malibu.

- Apparently Betty Ford only offers Pepsi products, but the place

in Malibu has Coke!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #82: "It's Father's Day Weekend So I Guess This Is A Pop-cast"

Happy Father’s Day Weekend! Time to fire up the BBQ, enjoy the great weather, and prepare to open a boatload of socks and ties! (Just kidding…I hope!)

Today, I give you “the gift” of Podcast #82 which, along with Me and Jackie, features returning special guest and former “Tonight Show” monologue writer Tom Delisle. 

He tells a great story involving Johnny Carson, Richard Dawson, and…yes…Winston Churchill. 

And being Father’s Day Weekend, we talk about very “Manly Things” like the invasion of those white puffy cottonwood things that are flying through the air in record numbers. And speaking of invasions, I’ll tell you the little known and very interesting (I swear) story of the Battle of Tours, France from the 700’s. Beleive it or not, one guy was responsible for saving Christian Europe from the Muslim Army. (Although his legions of soldiers didn’t hurt either!) 

While we’re on the subject of history, Jackie reveals how her admiration for Eleanor Roosevelt almost got her kicked out of Junior High School. 

And what would Father’s Day Weekend be without some historical sports talk? To that end, Tom recounts what happened in Montreal back in 1955, when Maurice “The Rocket” Richard of the Canadians punched out a ref during the last regular season game against the Red Wings. He was suspended for the entire play-off season and let’s just the fans were none too happy, eh? 

And just for good measure, Tom will tell you about the time the great Ted Lindsay confronted me on the ice during a charity hockey game and I “verbally” punched him out!

So treat yourself to a pre-Father’s Day (or post-Mother’s Day for you ladies out there) “skate” through a ton of fun stuff in Podcast #82

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #82  (45:02)

"Smile! You're On Candid Flower Pot!!!"

The IRS has quietly cancelled a purchase order for spy equipment including cameras hidden inside clocks, flower pots and coffee trays. 

- A hidden camera in a flower pot? Who knew “Oopsy the Clown” worked for the IRS? 

- We know that “Bozo the Clown” works for the IRS…In fact there’s a lot of them.

*****

Two-thirds of Americans believe the government is eavesdropping on private phone calls. 

- The other third are Amish people who don’t have phones. 

*****

Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin has proclaimed that “Tang sucks.” 

- With the statements he’s made lately, it seems like Buzz is a couple of boosters short of a rocket. 

*****

A New York Observer poll found that Anthony Weiner might be doing so well in the NYC Mayoral race because he’s the only one of the many candidates that most voters even recognize. 

- Unfortunately it’s not his “face” they recognize. 

- If he loses, Weiner says he’ll do what most failed politicians do: Return to the “Privates” sector.

*****

New research finds that email can raise your stress levels. 

- Especially the ones that start “I don’t usually pass e-mail jokes along, but this one is hilarious!”

*****

Pope Francis reportedly acknowledged that there is a “gay lobby” inside the Vatican. 

- It’s similar to the “Straight Lobby” but with way better decorations.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an ALL NEW Podcast! (#82). 

-Dick

2013 Is The New 1984!!!

Sales of the classic George Orwell novel “1984” have skyrocketed 91% on Amazon.

- The only people not reading the book work for the government. They’re too busy reading your computer messages. 

*****

A San Francisco elementary school has started a toy gun buy-back program. 

- If they think I’m gonna trade in my Roy Rogers’ autographed Six-Shooter, they’ve got another thing coming! 

*****

Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, under fire for telling Congress in March that the NSA does not intentionally collect data on million of Americans, said he answered in the “least untruthful manner” possible. 

- He then announced that his wife is “sort of” pregnant.

*****

Scientists report there is a new species of ant that is attracted to and actually eats electronics. 

- They are particularly fond of Blackberry’s.  

*****

According to a new survey, one-third of dads who do online dating, lie on their profile about having kids. 

- So don’t expect your dad to show up with a hot blonde at your Father’s Day BBQ.

- You can’t blame NBA players because to be honest, they have no idea how many kids they have. 

*****

Iran says it has set up a space monitoring center. 

- Turns out it’s actually just an iPhone with lots of alien-looking pictures of Mahmood Ahmadinejad. 

*****

Cher will give her first live TV performance in 10 years on the June 18th epitsode of “The Voice”. 

- Insider’s say she’ll perform a special rendition of “Gypsies, Tramps & Plastic Surgeons”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

You're So Sex-Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

A study found that sleep-deprived men are more likely to overestimate a woman’s interest in sex than a well-rested man. 

- Apparently Bill Clinton hasn’t slept since Nixon was in office.

- Aren’t women the one’s who always say they’re too tired? 

*****

The source of the NSA surveillance program leak- where the government has been listening in on and reading our phone calls and computer messages - 29-year-old NSA contract worker Edward Snowden, came forward and revealed himself. 

- Fortunately there were no photos of him revealing himself like there were with Anthony Weiner. 

- Apparently the NSA has been “surveiling” everyone but Edward Snowden. 

- You think they would have caught on when he kept wearing the “I Can’t Keep A Secret!” t-shirt to the office. 

*****

On Friday, staffers forgot to put President Obama’s remarks on the teleprompter before his speech in California.

- So instead, the President just told some really funny jokes about the IRS screwing people.

*****

Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife are getting a divorce. 

- She gets the kids and he gets to keep all the nuclear weapons. 

- She told him the old fashioned way…she sent him a “Dear Vlad” letter. 

- President Putin has already signed up for a dating wedsite: eCommunist.com

*****

At a taping of “Britain’s Got Talent”, a woman ran up on stage and threw eggs at Simon Cowell.

- Simon said the eggs were “rotten and a little pitchy”.

- The woman got the eggs from the ones Simon keeps next to him to throw at the contestants. 

*****

Justin Bieber has signed to go on a trip into space with Virgin Galactic.

- Admit it…your fingers are crossed that it’s a one-way trip!

- Isn’t Virgin Galactic the name of one of the Bond Girls?  

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out Podcast #81 - with special guest and former “Tonight Show” Comedy Writer Tom Delisle - up now on the homepage! See you right back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #81: "Every Tom, Dick, & Jackie's Got An Opinion!"

It’s June 7th…and I’m pleased to say that today we’re gonna hit a high of 81! No…not 81 degrees - but Podcast #81! (It won’t give you a tan, but hopefully you’ll find it amusing). Today Jackie and I welcome a very special and extremely interesting guest (his words) back to the table. Yes, Tom Delisle, a former Purtan’s Person and big-time Hollywood Comedy Writer back to Podcast Central (or as we call it on Thanksgiving - “the dining room table”) 

Join us as we lament the deaths of Jean “Edith Bunker” Stapleton and the great Harvey Korman. (NOTE: Jackie read a post on Facebook that Harvey had gone to that great “Carol Burnett Show In The Sky” and was pretty torn up - until we explained that while he HAD died…it was back in 2008). Ah…the Internet! 

We also reveal the AFI’s Writer’s Guild top picks for the 5 best written TV shows of all-time. Agree? Disagree? Discuss!

And prepare yourself for a bonafide Hollywood SHOCKER, as Tom shares some bombshell info about one of television’s now-deceased most iconic hosts. (Even Carnac couldn’t see this one comin’!)

Plus…we’ll weigh in on Michael Douglas’s new film about Liberace - “Behind the Candelabra” - and explain why we just couldn’t get “behind” the movie. 

So sit back, listen and who knows…maybe #81 will make your list of our Top 5 best Podcasts!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with our regular blog!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #81  (37:20)

The Beginning Of The End For Hitler...

69 years ago today, June 6, 1944 the greatest seaborne military invasion of all time began with the landing of US, British, and Canadian troops on the beaches of Normandy, France. “D-Day” as it’s known, marked the beginning of the end of World War II. With 600 US WWII vets dying everyday, the numbers of these brave men are dwindling. We’ll never forget them, nor the sacrifices they made during that bloody war. They have our eternal thanks and our promise to remember - and pass on to our children, grandchildren and beyond - how they literally “Saved The World” with their sacrifices.

God Bless Them and God Bless America. 

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Kwame Kilpatrick is out of jail having knee surgery. He asked to be allowed to recouperate at home claiming he “doesn’t feel safe” convalescing in prison. 

- I’m sure they’re are plenty of guys in the slammer who would love to give him a sponge bath. 

- Kwame allegedly hurt his knee while walking into court for his Federal Racketeering Trial and tripped over his own lies.

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The IRS said they can’t find receipts to account for spending $4 million on a conference in 2010. 

- Hey…why don’t you try this next year… and see how that works out for you! 

- You really can’t blame them for misplacing the receipts…I mean they were all pretty drunk at the time. 

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The winner of the record $590 million Powerball lottery was revealed to be 84-year-old Gloria MacKenzie of Zephyrhills, Florida. She says she only won the ticket because of a kind stranger who let her go ahead of them in line. 

- The “stranger” says this shows that “random acts of kindness” can positively effect the recipient’s life… and screw you over big time. 

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Taco Bell fired the employee who posted a video online that showed him licking a stack of taco shells. 

- If watching a guy lick taco shells doesn’t make you sick, just eating the regular food at Taco Bell will. 

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A thief broke into a car in Oregon and stole a trunk full of sex toys the owner was collecting for a bachelorette party. 

- He was picked out in a line-up not because of his face, but because he was the only guy vibrating. 

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Have a great day…and remember all those who made it possible for us to live in Freedom.

- Dick

Madonna's Ego AND Face Now Both Swollen!

Madonna was skewered on twitter for showing up at a charity event with her face swollen from plastic surgery.

- She did it on purpose to distract from the limp she was sporting from her hip-replacement surgery. 

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Tiger Woods kicked his girlfriend, Olympic skier Lindsay Vonn out of his house, thus ending their relationship.

- Apparently he’s learned it’s better to kick the woman out before she chases you out with a nine iron.  

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President Obama will appoint Susan Rice as his National Security Advisor this afternoon.

- Her first job is to go on five Sunday morning talk shows and explain that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was a spontaneous reaction to an anti-sushi YouTube video. 

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A new study found that more than a third of US marriages now start online, and those that do, are slightly happier than couples who met offline. 

- Or as “offline” used to be known…actually going on a date.  

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The New York Office of Mental Health is selling a refrigerator from the Morgue, on eBay. 

- The morgue fridge is described as “previously enjoyed”. 

- It’s a great place to keep expired food until garbage day! 

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German doctors say a man spent 15 years with a pencil stuck in his head after a childhood accident.

- The man was so traumatized, he actually erased the event from his memory.

- This explains why everyone called him “Dixon Ticonderoga” even though his name was Bob.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Disney: "It's A Small Increase After All!"

Disneyland announced that it’s raising adult ticket prices to $92 a day, but insisted that it’s still a good value. 

- Finally! They’ll be able to buy Donald Duck some pants!

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A letter obtained by the Associated Press indicates that al Qaeda fired a terrrorist from it’s North African Branch. 

- On the bright side, he’s already been offered a job at the IRS. 

- So now he’s gonna have to get his 72 virgins the old-fashioned way…join a College Fraternity. 

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Starbucks is going to forbid smoking within 25 feet of it’s stores. 

- I suggest they tell they’re customers BEFORE serving them a Dark Roast Grande with six shots of espresso. 

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Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a new breakfast menu item: fried egg and bacon inside a split glazed donut “bun”. 

- If you order the combo, it comes with a small coffee and a portable defibrilator. 

- And for a buck more…you can get sausage sprinkles on your donut!

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The Vatican refuted Pope Francis’s suggestion that even Atheists can get into heaven. 

- The Pope then announced that people who work at the Vatican CAN’T get into heaven. 

- This takes “going over your bosses head” to a whole new level.

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Germany has officially dropped the longest word in the German language: Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgavenubertragungsgesetz. 

- It was actually Hitler’s pet name for Eva Braun… before he killed her.  

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick