The Beginning Of The End For Hitler...

69 years ago today, June 6, 1944 the greatest seaborne military invasion of all time began with the landing of US, British, and Canadian troops on the beaches of Normandy, France. “D-Day” as it’s known, marked the beginning of the end of World War II. With 600 US WWII vets dying everyday, the numbers of these brave men are dwindling. We’ll never forget them, nor the sacrifices they made during that bloody war. They have our eternal thanks and our promise to remember - and pass on to our children, grandchildren and beyond - how they literally “Saved The World” with their sacrifices.

God Bless Them and God Bless America. 

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick is out of jail having knee surgery. He asked to be allowed to recouperate at home claiming he “doesn’t feel safe” convalescing in prison. 

- I’m sure they’re are plenty of guys in the slammer who would love to give him a sponge bath. 

- Kwame allegedly hurt his knee while walking into court for his Federal Racketeering Trial and tripped over his own lies.

*****

The IRS said they can’t find receipts to account for spending $4 million on a conference in 2010. 

- Hey…why don’t you try this next year… and see how that works out for you! 

- You really can’t blame them for misplacing the receipts…I mean they were all pretty drunk at the time. 

*****

The winner of the record $590 million Powerball lottery was revealed to be 84-year-old Gloria MacKenzie of Zephyrhills, Florida. She says she only won the ticket because of a kind stranger who let her go ahead of them in line. 

- The “stranger” says this shows that “random acts of kindness” can positively effect the recipient’s life… and screw you over big time. 

*****

Taco Bell fired the employee who posted a video online that showed him licking a stack of taco shells. 

- If watching a guy lick taco shells doesn’t make you sick, just eating the regular food at Taco Bell will. 

*****

A thief broke into a car in Oregon and stole a trunk full of sex toys the owner was collecting for a bachelorette party. 

- He was picked out in a line-up not because of his face, but because he was the only guy vibrating. 

*****

Have a great day…and remember all those who made it possible for us to live in Freedom.

- Dick

Madonna's Ego AND Face Now Both Swollen!

Madonna was skewered on twitter for showing up at a charity event with her face swollen from plastic surgery.

- She did it on purpose to distract from the limp she was sporting from her hip-replacement surgery. 

*****

Tiger Woods kicked his girlfriend, Olympic skier Lindsay Vonn out of his house, thus ending their relationship.

- Apparently he’s learned it’s better to kick the woman out before she chases you out with a nine iron.  

*****

President Obama will appoint Susan Rice as his National Security Advisor this afternoon.

- Her first job is to go on five Sunday morning talk shows and explain that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was a spontaneous reaction to an anti-sushi YouTube video. 

*****

A new study found that more than a third of US marriages now start online, and those that do, are slightly happier than couples who met offline. 

- Or as “offline” used to be known…actually going on a date.  

*****

The New York Office of Mental Health is selling a refrigerator from the Morgue, on eBay. 

- The morgue fridge is described as “previously enjoyed”. 

- It’s a great place to keep expired food until garbage day! 

*****

German doctors say a man spent 15 years with a pencil stuck in his head after a childhood accident.

- The man was so traumatized, he actually erased the event from his memory.

- This explains why everyone called him “Dixon Ticonderoga” even though his name was Bob.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Disney: "It's A Small Increase After All!"

Disneyland announced that it’s raising adult ticket prices to $92 a day, but insisted that it’s still a good value. 

- Finally! They’ll be able to buy Donald Duck some pants!

*****

A letter obtained by the Associated Press indicates that al Qaeda fired a terrrorist from it’s North African Branch. 

- On the bright side, he’s already been offered a job at the IRS. 

- So now he’s gonna have to get his 72 virgins the old-fashioned way…join a College Fraternity. 

*****

Starbucks is going to forbid smoking within 25 feet of it’s stores. 

- I suggest they tell they’re customers BEFORE serving them a Dark Roast Grande with six shots of espresso. 

*****

Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a new breakfast menu item: fried egg and bacon inside a split glazed donut “bun”. 

- If you order the combo, it comes with a small coffee and a portable defibrilator. 

- And for a buck more…you can get sausage sprinkles on your donut!

*****

The Vatican refuted Pope Francis’s suggestion that even Atheists can get into heaven. 

- The Pope then announced that people who work at the Vatican CAN’T get into heaven. 

- This takes “going over your bosses head” to a whole new level.

*****

Germany has officially dropped the longest word in the German language: Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgavenubertragungsgesetz. 

- It was actually Hitler’s pet name for Eva Braun… before he killed her.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

"Pomp & Kazoo-n-stance"...

As we bid a fond farewell to the month of May, and (warmly!) welcome June - I thought it appropriate to take a moment to honor all of the students who have - or will be - Graduating this summer. Whether it’s from Pre-School or High School, Junior High or an Institution of Higher Learning, let’s take a moment to Congratulate all those who are flipping their tassels this year! 

In tribute to these fine students, I am posting a video I found on YouTube of one families rather memorable (and humorous!) musical salute to the graduate in their lives.

So kick back, grab your kazoo and play along as we salute THE CLASS OF 2013!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday!

-Dick 

Wednesday-Wings-Will-Win!!!!!

The Wings lost to the Blackhawks Monday night forcing a Game 7 in Chicago Wednesday night. A lot of mistakes (including some by the refs according to many angry fans) led to the Blackhawks getting and scoring on a penalty shot, giving them the fourth goal and a 4-3 victory. But as they say, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings. Here’s hoping Rosie O’Donnell is nowhere near the ice Wednesday night! GO WINGS!!!!!

*****

The Pope upset some religious traditionalists by saying that even atheists can get to Heaven, if they do good works on earth. 

- Of course the Atheists don’t believe him.  

***** 

Target now sells a line of wedding dresses. 

- Walmart is going even further by offering dresses for sale, and renting out their greeters for the “Something Old & Something Blue” parts. 

***** 

Last week Jodi Arias said if her life is spared, she’ll start a prison recycling program. 

- She may be a cold-blooded killer, but at least she cares about the planet! 

- Jodi went a step further saying that she would never dump any future boyfriends that she murders in our over-crowded landfills. 

***** 

Spain’s National Statistics Institute reports that the most common names in Spain are Maria and Jose. 

- No wonder so many guys are walking around Spain singing “I Just Met a Girl Named Maria”. 

***** 

Universal Studios is creating a “Simpsons” theme park in Orlando. 

- All the rollar coasters have a sign that reads “You must be as tall as Marge’s hair to ride this ride”. 

- They expect the most popular attraction to be “The Homer” where you get to sit on a couch drinking beer in your underwear. 

- Test-riders on “The Donut” were said to emerge with a glazed look in their eyes. 

***** 

A Buffalo Bills fan is getting attention for having a large tattoo of O.J. Simpson’s 1994 mug shot on his thigh. 

- If that won’t have women beating down his door I don’t know what will. 

- He’s also having a small tat of Kato Kaelin inked…on what he call his “guest kneecap”. 

*****

Have a great day!

-Dick 

You Pledged Your Life For Our Freedom...

This We Pledge To You:

We Will Never Forget. 

We Will Always Remember.

And We Are Eternally Grateful For The Sacrifices You Made And The Pain You Endured For All Of Us.

*****

Happy Memorial Day… And May God Bless All Who Have Worn - And Continue To Bravely Wear - Our Nation’s Uniform.

-Dick

Louis Armstong - “What A Wonderful World” - from the movie “Good Morning Vietnam”.

Unofficial Beginning of Summer Kicks Off With Fall-Like Weather...

Welcome to the unofficial beginning of Summer…Memorial Day Weekend! Although with the weather right now, it’s more like “Happy Halloween”. In today’s all new Podcast, my wife Gail, Jackie and I cover more topics than you can shake a stick at (Does anyone know what that actually means?) From Jodi Arias and her revolving views on the death penalty - at least when it comes to herself - to the monkey in Justin Bieber’s pants, Gail’s real-life run in with Mr. Wonderful (no, not Anthony Weiner, we’re talking the one-and-only Liberace, to a “sexy” portrait of a rather “non sexy” celeb (especially since she died) that broke records in the auction world.

Plus we’ll dish the latest on the big tree White House Scandals - including the story of the NFL player who Instagrammed a picture of himself, uh, relieving himself on the IRS Building sign. (Does that count as a “National Security Leak”???)

So enjoy the long weekend…grab a hot dog off the grill, and “relish” Podcast #80! 

- Dick 

Purtan Podcast #80

P.S. And don’t forget to check back Monday as we pay tribute to all the brave men and women who have served our country, so that we can continue to live in Freedom. God Bless America!

Wings Try To Make It "Blackhawks Down!"

The Red Wings will try to take a commanding lead against the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight. A win would put them on top 3 to 1 in the series and just one game away from moving on to Round 3 . GO WINGS!!!!!

***** 

By making a statement that she was innocent of all wrong-doing during her appearance before a Congressional Committee yesterday, IRS official Lois Lerner may have forfeited her right to “Take the Fifth”. She may be forced to return to Congress and testify. Experts say her attorney gave her bad advice. 

- Guess whose lawyer is about to get audited by the IRS? 

*****

The Philadelphia Eagles’ Evin Mathis Instagramed a picture of himself urinating on the IRS building sign. 

- Guess which Pro Football player is about to get audited by the IRS?

- Does this count as another “leak” in the Scandal? 

***** 

It’s official…disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner announced that he is running for the Mayor of New York City. 

- Unlike current Mayor Bloomberg, Weiner says he not only supports 32oz. sugary drinks, he encourages his followers to tweet pictures of themselves enjoying one. 

- Weiner’s campaign slogan will be: “Hot Dog! I’d Relish Being Mayor!”

***** 

NASA gave a company a grant to develp a 3D printer that can form layers of dehydrated ingredients into an edible substance that resembles a pizza. 

- This is news? Elementary schools have been serving this stuff in their cafeterias for years! 

- NASA noted that it will take longer to print out the deep dish version of the edible substance. 

***** 

A new poll says that people edit and Photoshop the vacation photos they post on Facebook so the vacation looks better than it actually was. 

- The first clue came when the Captain of that Italian Cruise Ship “Concordia” posted a photo of himself standing upright at the wheel of the ship. 

- So you may have to take your Aunt Helen with you to Cedar Point, but you can make her and the “Aunts Do It At Picnics” T-Shirt disappear!

***** 

Archie Comics’ only openly gay character Kevin Keller kisses his boyfriend in an upcoming issue. 

- To be honest, I think most men would way rather see Betty & Veronica making out. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an ALL NEW Podcast!

-Dick

NEWFLASH: Joe Biden Makes People Laugh...ON PURPOSE!

At a speech in Washington, DC last night, Veep Joe Biden said that the standing joke in the White House is that “Barack is learning to speak without a teleprompter; I’m learning to speak with one.” 

- Obama had no comment as his teleprompter was down. 

- Meanwhile White House Spokesman Jay Carney says the White House had no knowledge about the use of teleprompters until they read it in a newspaper article yesterday. 

***** 

Lois Lerner, the IRS official in the “non-profit group unit” who apologized for targeting conservative groups, plans to “Take the Fifth” and refuse to testify before a House Investigative Committee. 

- Nothing says “I didn’t do anything illegal” like taking the Fifth!  

***** 

Porn stars are complaining that the big banks are suddenly refusing to accept money that comes from the porn industry. 

- You don’t want to screw with porn stars! 

***** 

A new study finds that 10 percent of Facebook users aren’t human. 

- So a lot of your FB friends aren’t only fake…they’re aliens! 

***** 

O.J. Simpson says if he can get his armed robbery conviction overturned, he’s going to go on a nationwide tour to speak about the Nicole Brown murder case. 

- Right…like he know’s anything about THAT! 

- He’s already telling inmates he’s hired Kato Kaelin as his opening act. 

***** 

A British driver said it’s a miracle that George Michael walked away alive after he fell out of a car at 70mph on a freeway and she nearly ran over him. 

- Luckily, she wasn’t asleep at the wheel…which George usually is. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#79) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

Yet Another Tragedy...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to those whose lives were forever changed by the massive and deadly tornado that struck Moore, Oklahoma yesterday. And to all those who were hit, hurt and suffered so mush loss during the massive series of storms and deadly funnel clouds. 

This time it was Mother Nature who turned on us. But between the horror of Sandy Hook, The Boston Marathon Terrorist Massacre, and now this - It’s getting harder and harder for parents to assure their children that they’re safe. 

People are always saying “I wish things were simpler…I wish I could be a kid again.” 

Regretably, I don’t think today’s children are afforded the innocence that we took for granted. 

Prayers.

-Dick

Big Night For Taylor, Justin & His Monkey!

At last night’s 2013 Billboard Music Awards, the big winner with 8 trophies was Taylor Swift. But Justin Bieber won three awards, performed twice and was booed by the crowd one time. 

- Only once?

Justin was dressed in leather pants with a crotch that came halfway down his thighs.

- In prior days he had a babysitter for his pet monkey during performances. Apparently now he keeps his monkey in his pants. 

***** 

54-year-old Madonna accepted the “Best Touring Artist” Award, clad in fishnet thigh highs, black leather and chains. 

- Don’t you just love it when stars age gracefully? 

*****

In July, a bar in Brooklyn is hosting a “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” contest.  

- At last year’s contest John Wayne Bobitt and Anthony Weiner tied for first. 

*****

As OJ continues to fight for a new trial in his armed robbery and kidnapping case, a prison insider told the National Enquirer that “The Juice” is still a chick magnet. The unidentifed source said OJ receives thousands of dollars from women for him to spend in the prison commisary, and who will “wait for him” until he gets out. 

- Apparently these are young women who don’t know about that “other trial” he had back in the ‘90’s. 

- Why not hook him up with Jodi Arias? He’s looking for a girlfriend and she’s looking to die. 

*****

The toilet paper shortage in Venezuela continues. 

- It’s so bad, the government has made it illegal to eat at Taco Bell. 

- Why not just use Bounty Paper Towels? They’re the “Quicker-Picker-Upper” and you can “Select-a-Size”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#79) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #79: "That's Just How We Roll..."

Welcome to the weekend and a brand-spankin’ new Podcast! (#79). Having finally figured out how to get my microphone turned on, I sat down with my regular partner-in-podcasting daughter Jackie, and a very special returning guest, my wife Gail. 

The three of us weigh in on the hottest topics in the news from the Scandals rocking Washington…to a South American country that has literally run out of toilet paper. (I think they should ask Iran for help since they’re  always threatening to “wipe” other countries - especially this one - off the map). 

Plus we have the very latest on everybody’s favorite felons - Jodi Arias, O.J. Simpson and of course our very own Kwame Kilpatrick. Talk about “Trials & Tribulations”. 

From the IRS to the AP to an abundance of BS from OJ…it’s all here! 

So sit back, grab a roll of TP (just in case) and tune in to Podcast #79! 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog…

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #79

Look Out! She's Back In Town...

After 37 months in the slammer at the so-called “Camp Cupcake”, former Detroit Congresswoman Monica Conyers is back on the streets and working full time at a collision shop here in Detroit. She says she’s very happy. 

- Her actual quote was, “I’m so #!@% *(%@ F—- happy to be out of that *%^# jail!”

- A collision shop is perfect for Monica! She’s really good at fixing things…like city contracts. 

*****

A noticeably heavier O.J. Simpson took the stand yesterday in an effort to get a new trial in his armed robbery and kidnapping conviction in 2008. 

- He denied gaining weight and is publishing a new book called “If I Ate It”. 

- Simpson looked so old, he’s now being referred to as “O.J. Mixed With Metamucil”. 

- With all of the scandals it Washington, O.J. actually came off as believeable. 

*****

A CPR machine brought a man who was clinically dead for 40 minutes back to life. 

- The machine will next be used to try to revive the Obama Administration. 

*****

Ohio University evolutionary researchers say they’ve identified the point at which monkey’s split from apes. 

- It was the day Davy Jones was hired as the Monkees’ lead singer. 

*****

A Florida chiropractor is accused of forcing his employees to engage in Scientology practices such as yelling at ashtrays. 

- The chiropractor was accusing the cigarette butts in the ashtray of being out of alignment…which could could turn out to be the smoking gun. 

- So now we know what Tom Cruise does when he’s not jumping up and down on couches. 

**** 

Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Apple turns 9-years-old this week. 

- She will now be known as “Apple 9.0”

*****

An obsessed fan was charged with trespassing after he allegedly swam to Taylor Swift’s beach house in Rhode Island. 

- Taylor has decided that instead of pressing charges, she’ll date him for a while, break-up with him and then write a hit song about it. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an All New Podcast! 

-Dick

Red Wings & Other Things...

Wings vs. Blackhawks Game 1 of Round 2 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight in Chicago! 8pm our time! 

*****

Disney is considering adding a new ride that promises more spins, twists and turns than Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

- They’re calling it “The Obama White House”.

***** 

Fox announced that Kiefer Sutherland will return in a new, limited series version of the show “24”. 

- It will run over three nights and be called “8”, “8” & “8”. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan is upset because the doctors at her rehab facility won’t let her have the Adderall pill she claims she needs to treat her Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  

- She’s also upset that the only thing in her mini-bar is Diet Coke and Orange Juice. 

*****

Convicted murderer Jodi Arias continues to insist that she wants to get the death penalty. 

- With the media focused on the three White House Scandals instead of her, she figures she’s got nothing to live for. 

- A prison guard overheard her saying, “Who do I have to kill to get some TV coverage in this town?”

*****

A cleric in Iran is warning that a big earthquake is on the way and it’s the fault of women who wear skimpy dresses. 

- In Iran, “skimpy dresses” means burkas that only go down to your ankles. 

- The cleric is known by the name “Nostra-Ridiculous”. 

*****

It’s so hard to find a dentist under Britain’s National Health Service that thousands of Brits are buying do-it-yourself dental kits to glue down loose veneers and yank out their own teeth. 

- My Grandpa had one of those kits…it came with a piece of string and a door knob. 

- The most shocking part of this story is finding out that British people have any teeth at all.

- The story was leaked to the press by a disgrunted molar in the Health Department.

*****

Have a great day, I’ll see you back here Thursday and GO WINGS!!!

-Dick

"The Lions Are Goin' To The Super Bowl!!!"

Detroit linebacker Nick Fairley said that this year, the Lions are going to the Superbowl. 

- They’re gonna have a heckuva time getting the whole team tickets in the same section. 

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick submitted a personally written motion to the court asking that his Guilty verdicts in the Federal Racketeering Trial be overturned because his lawyer did a bad job representing him. 

- If he thinks his lawyer did a bad job, I wonder what he thinks of the job he did as Mayor? 

*****

Meanwhile OJ Simpson was back in court Monday asking for a new trial. 

- I say give him a new trial - not the one about armed robbery; the one about him killing his wife.

*****

President Obama called the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups “outrageous”. 

- And added that if he’d known it would go public, he never would have ordered them to do it.

*****

An American Airlines pilot on an L.A. to New York flight made an emergency landing in Kansas City to kick a woman off when she wouldn’t stop singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” at the top of her lungs. 

- At lease it wasn’t “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton!

- Everyone else on the plane was arrested for holding up lighters in the cabin during her performance. 

*****

A new study says that nearly 10% of Mexico’s population lives in the United States. 

- I almost dropped my Chalupa when I heard the news.  

- I knew I should have bought stock in Taco Bell!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Wings and Moms Were "Hot" On Mother's Day!

Hope you all had a sensational Mother’s Day! We had a great time… My daughter Jessica hosted brunch for all 21 of us. Lot’s of fun, lot’s of food, and lot’s of Moms! 

From the left…

Jessica, JoAnne, Julie, Gail, Jennifer, Jill & Jackie. 

There hasn’t been that much estrogen in one room since all of Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends held their annual “Playmate Playdate”! 

All of the Grandkids were there, too… Matt (18), Julia (15), Lauren (12), Preston (11), Charlie (11), Adam (10), Jack (9) and Brayden (15 months). I’d mention who belongs to which girl, but frankly it’s hard to keep track. Continuing the tradition of “Lousy Weather in Michigan on Mother’s Day” each year… the younger kids braved the elements to play outside. Not pictured: Matt & Julia (because they’re too cool to play outside) and Brayden (because at just over 1 year old, he’s too smart to go out when it’s that cold). 

****

In other news…

The Red Wings beat Anaheim 3-2 last night and will now go on to face the Blackhawks in the next round of the Playoffs. 

- The Ducks weren’t too upset…just like water, they let the loss roll off their backs. 

*****

Barbara Walters to retire in 2014…

- Allowing her to include herself as one of “The Most Fascinating People of 2014”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Mother's Day!

From the entire Purtan Family to you and yours… Happy Mother’s Day Mom! 

In keeping with a long-standing tradition on my radio show… we remember Dad’s contributions as well — IN SONG!

If It Wasn’t For Your Father, Would Your Mother Be Your Mother? 

The Wicked Glich Of The Midwest...

Welcome to Mother’s Day Weekend! We had a brand new Podcast recorded and ready to post, however, in listening back to it I realized that my microphone was not working and I sound like I’m talking from the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  

So instead of re-doing it, I decided to give my Podcasting partners, daughter Jackie and more importantly the mother of my six daughers, my wife Gail an early Mother’s Day Gift and NOT make them re-record the Podcast.

Okay…it’s not that I was that generous, it’s just that Jackie had plans and Gail and I are getting ready for our weekly “Date Night”. Speaking of which…I have to go now to make reservations for the 4pm Early Bird Special. (Tonight they’ve got all-you-can-eat green beans!)

We’ll be back next Friday with a “Post-Mother’s Day” Podcast…and look for a special surprise right here at dickpurtan.com on Sunday!

Thanks!

Dick 

Two Detroit Sports Losses...

The Wings quacked under pressure last night, losing to the Anaheim Ducks 3-2 in overtime. 3-2 is also how the series stands with the Ducks on top - meaning we need to win the next two games or we’re out of the Play-Offs. Game 6 at the Joe Friday night… GO WINGS!!!

And RIP Carol Anderson, wife of Tiger’s legendary manager Sparky Anderson. She passed away yesterday of natural causes at the age of 79. 

*****

Pfizer announced it will start selling Viagra online. 

- So now men can avoid the embarrassment of trying to “get it over the counter”. 

- Makes sense since online is where so many guys meet their dates. 

***** 

After a ridiculously long trial, Jodi Arias was found guilty of the First Degree Murder of her boyfriend.

- She told reporters she felt like the Jury had “stabbed her in the back”…like, maybe 27 times???

She also said she would prefer the death penalty to life in prison. 

- Okay. 

*****

78,000 people have applied to leave Earth forever to seek a new life on Mars. 

- Linsday Lohan wants to go because she figures Mars will have one of those cool bars like the one in Star Wars. 

- Tom Cruise said, “Great…there goes the neighborhood!”

***** 

Speaking of Tom Cruise…he’s signed-on to return as Ethan Hunt in the fifth “Mission: Impossible” movie. 

- In this sequel, the “Impossible Mission” is Tom actually keeping a wife. 

***** 

Beloved soap opera star Jeanne Cooper of “The Young and the Restless” has died at 84. 

- Or so the writers would have us believe…

- Her son Corbin Bernsen confirmed that she is really gone…unlike the 18 times she died and came back to life on the show. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with an all new Podcast Friday!

-Dick 

Chris Christie Turns 50...Loses 40!!!

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie revealed that he recently got secret lap band stomach surgery and has already lost 40 pounds. 

- The doctors didn’t actually put a “band” around his stomach…they used a Hula-Hoop. 

- They tried to use liposuction, but the bag on the Hoover kept exploding. 

***** 

A real estate company is selling lots on the Moon for $19.99 an acre. 

- Finally! I can afford to live next to Tom Cruise! 

- They call it “One small step for man…and one giant leap for Century 21”. 

*****

NASA says the Earth will soon be experiencing “extreme” rain. 

- So apparently the rain is about to get a lot wetter than we’re used to. 

***** 

Insiders say that Prince William and Kate Middleton are having a boy. 

- Turns out they saw the little guy’s Royal Sceptor on the Ultrasound. 

- When the OB-GYN says “You’re crowning” during delivery, he’s gonna mean it LITERALLY!

***** 

A British company is selling the Ultimate Beach Bikini, which uses gels and foam to make a woman’s boobs look up to two cup sizes bigger. 

- We can only hope that the French never steal this idea and use it in men’s Speedos. 

***** 

A coroner testifieding in the Michael Jackson trail said that many of Michael’s facial features were artificial. 

- Boy, I didn’t see that one coming! 

He added that in additon to his ever-changing nose, Jacko had no real eyebrows…just eyebrow tatoos and had his lips dyed permanently pink. 

- That way he didn’t have to ask his monkey Bubbles to carry his lipstick for him. 

*****

The Betty Ford Center in California decided that Lindsay Lohan will not be granted the privilege of coming and going from the celebrity rehab center. 

- You realize what this means? She’s going to have to have her drugs and booze delivered!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick