Guess What Ahnold? This Time, SHE's Baack!!!

NBC has rehired Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ex, Maria Shriver, as a news anchor. 

- They were going to hire her as an investigative reporter until they remembered that it took her ten years to figure out that while her maid was doing the windows, her husband was doing the maid. 

***** 

Bobby Ferguson is in hot water again…this time with his wife Marilyn. She’s hit him with a suit for unpaid child support and claims that their 15-year-old son is living on public assistance. 

- So Bobby’s son is just like Kwame…He lived on public assistance too, it’s just that the public didn’t know they were “assisting” him.

- Ferguson said he’d be happy to pay, as soon as he remembers where he hid the millions of dollars he denies having. 

***** 

Health advocates are worried about the dangers of Wrigley’s new caffeinated gum. 

- They’re afraid if teenage girls talk any faster than they do now, they’re heads will explode. 

- I can’t wait til someone comes out with Decaf gum…oh wait, that’s all the other gum in the world. 

***** 

Sylvester Stallone is working on a Broadway musical version of his movie Rocky. 

- In the stage version, instead of running towards the ring, Rocky’s girlfriend Adrian tap-dances thru the crowd while he sings “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”. 

- They were gonna turn “Rambo” into a musical, but it was too hard for actors to sing and dance while holding AK-47’s. 

***** 

A new study shows that gardening can actually burn calories and keep you fit. 

- So apparently Kirstie Alley wasn’t born with a green thumb. 

*****

During a speech about rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy yesterday, NJ Gov. Christie told parents to cover their kids ears, then shouted “Bu——it” into the microphone. 

- Let’s face it, everything that comes out of politicians’ mouths is “Bu——it”!

***** 

White rapper Vanilla Ice is in a reality show where he joins an Amish community. 

- The Amish Elders are upset saying network execs are putting the horse before the cart. 

- On the show, he’s known as Jedadiah Vanilla Iceth. 

- What’s next? The Real Housewives of Appalachia? 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with an ALL NEW Podcast (#78)! And due to semi-popular demand, Tom Ryan is back with stories about his recent and memorable trip to Disney World! 

-Dick

It's Uno de Mayo!

Well it’s finally here! After what has to be one of the longest winters and most definitely sluggish Springs on record, we’ve finally reached MAY! Does this mean the snow is gone for good? Of course not! This is Michigan! But if you’ve been debating whether or not to bring out the old black socks and sandals…debate no more!

 

I think my old friend Charlie Krutsch celebrated it best when he said, “Hurray! Hurray! It’s the 1st of May! Outdoor Scr—wing Starts Today!”

 

*****

Kwame’s Mommy & former US Congresswoman Carolyn “Cheeks” Kilpatrick, is currently serving on an independant committee looking into extra-terrestrial alien life. She, along with a few other former Congresspeople, are attending a 5-day conference, and for this, each are being paid $20,000. Cheeks says that “I’ve always been interested in extra-terrestrial life”. 

- It must be true since she gave birth to an alien. 

*****

Inmates across the country have been giving Prison reviews on Yelp.com. Yelp is a site where people usually write reviews of restaurants and hotels.

- “Yelp” is also the most frequently heard word in prison showers. 

- Hotels are rated 1 to 5, Prisons from 20 to life. 

*****

While were on the topic of reviews…Texas authorites are investigating a website called eecie.net that allows users to rate the services of prostitutes. 

- The site was created after Hookers put up a site that rated their clients, and most of them said, “Not everything is bigger in Texas!”

*****

A new report says that 57% of companies are giving employees the option of working from home. 

- The practice is otherwise known as “Firing people”. 

- Drive-thru fast food restaurant employees have the option - but they have to have really long arms. 

*****

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Hey...I'm Gay!

In an article for Sport Illustrated, former Wizards and Celtics center Jason Collins came out as the first openly gay NBA player. 

- So now we know there’s one less NBA star trying to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record. 

- Looks like Dennis Rodman’s wedding gown may get another go down the aisle! 

*****

Collins explained sexual orientation by saying that while some people are born knowing they’re gay, others need “more time to cook”, and he “baked for 33 years”. 

- This explains why the Pillsbury Dough Boy has never had a girlfriend. 

***** 

LaToya Jackson claims she can hear her late brother Michael’s ghost, tap-dancing in the family home.  

- LaToya added that she actually saw the ghost and that he looked “Just like Casper, but with interchangable noses”.  

- Michael did spend years tap-dancing in that home…around charges that he was inappropriate with kids. 

***** 

Tom Brokaw says he didn’t go to the White House Correspondent’s Dinner this year, because Lindsay Lohan showed up last year and it ruined it for him. 

- Actually, what Lindsay ruined was his suit when she threw-up on it. 

***** 

A company called HommeMystere had created a line of women’s style lingerie that can be worn by men. 

- It will be sold at a new store called “Victor’s Secret”. 

- Anthony Weiner has already bought several thongs to make the pictures he tweets of his privates just a tad more provocative.

***** 

Saudi Arabia has deported three men for being “too handsome”.

- Their names? Larry, Curly & Moe-hammed.

*****

A Wisconsin woman called 911 after seeing two kittens having sex in her backyard.

- Meanwhile her husband was busy filming it on his iPhone and posting it on YouTube. 

- It’s not like it was kinky or anything…they stuck to the Mewsionarry position. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget new Podcast (#77) with guest Tom Ryan is up for your listening pleasure on the homepage. 

-Dick 

Couch Potatoes Get "Fries With That" Without Leaving Home!

McDonald’s may soon offer home delivery nationwide. 

- Hollywood is already casting a movie about it called “Grease”. 

- Of course this means we may never see Michael Moore in public again. 

***** 

Visa reports that prom night will cost an average of $1,139 this year, up 5% from last year. 

- The kids spend a thousand of that on dresses, tuxes and limos…and the other $139 on pregnancy tests about a month from now. 

*****

Despite Presidents of both parties trying for decades to eliminate the Federal Helium Progarm, the House vote 394 to 1 on Friday to keep it. 

- President Clinton was the execption. He wanted to keep the Helium, but vowed he didn’t inhale. 

- I didn’t realize the Chucky E. Cheese Birthday Lobby was so powerful. 

***** 

Dave Gold, the founder of the 99 Cents Only store chain, has died at the age of 80.

- He would have made it, if only the doctors hadn’t used the 99-cent Defribrulator they’d bought at one of his stores. 

- He asked to be creamated and put on the mantle in his favorite fake plastic Chinese Ming Vase. 

*****

German researchers report that some women are using so much Botox, their bodies are developing antibodies against it, and it’s no longer working.  

- Pamela Anderson was reportedly stunned by the news. Of course you couldn’t tell…but she said she was stunned. 

***** 

To prepare for their upcoming world tour, the Rolling Stones played a surpise gig at a small club in LA on Saturday. 

- Apparently “Small Club” is the new term for “Nursing Home”. 

- These days, Mick and Keith’s idea of “Satisfaction” is when their Fiber One kicks in. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget…Kathleen Madigan tapes her hour-long National Comedy TV Special this Saturday night at the Royal Oak Music Theater! Shows @ 7 & 9:30. Tix start at $35 dollars and are available by clicking on romtlive.com. Hope to see you there! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #77: "We're Back, And Oooooh...That's (Count) Scary!"

Well it finally happened…

No, they didn’t find Jimmy Hoffa. 

No, Kim Jong Un didn’t “unfriend” Dennis Rodman on Facebook. 

And no, I have not been offered a spot on the next season of “Dancing With The Stars”…

But…I am back from a six-week Spring Break with a BRAND SPANKIN’ NEW PODCAST! (#77). And what better way to kick off a “New Season” than with my long-time radio partner and current special guest, Tom Ryan. (Admit it, you’re doing a Sgt. Sacto Double-Pumper right now…) Today Tom, Jackie and I sit down to tackle some of today’s most talked about issues like, is that orange fish pronounced “Salmon” with an “L” or “Samon”. Edgy stuff, I know. 

We also “Pontificate”, if you will, on how germaphobia and gluten allergies have affected the Catholic Church. (You can’t make this stuff up…)

Tom and I also take a trip down memory lane - (and I mean a very fast trip) - involving my driving technique in the Windsor Tunnel back when we used to ride over to Canada together during our CKLW days. And the time a prank by two of my daughters could have landed Mr. Ryan and me in big-time trouble with Canadian Immigration. 

And being the fashion-forward guys that we are, we discuss our (failed) attempts to emulate all “cool guys” by altering our shaving routines, and debunk the common belief about what colors are best to wear to deflect the summer sun. (That’s, of course, assuming that we ever actually SEE the summer sun this year). 

Plus…the three of us reveal the vehicles that none of us will park next to, and more importantly - WHY? 

Spring Break may be over, but I invite you to join us for a “Senior Trip” (not counting Jackie who is 27!!!) in Podcast #77. 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #77

My Son-In-Law Brad & My 15-Month-Old Grandson Brayden Off To Work...

It’s National “Take Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day”! 

- It’s a great opportunity for the Octomom’s 14 kids to learn their way around an Adult Film set! 

*****

It’s also a rather historic day, as all five living Presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. 

- Bill Clinton said he’s excited to attend…because he’s got a thing for chicks dressed up as Librarians. 

- In the spirit of bi-partisanship, Bush added a whole extra wing to the library just to hold a copy of Obamacare. 

***** 

Al Qaeda has a magazine that trains people how to make bombs.

- It’s called “Jihad For Dummies”.  

- It’s kind of like Playboy…but with a different kind of “bombshell”. 

***** 

The French parliament voted to allow gay marriage and to let gay couples adopt children, which sparked violent protest riots in Paris. 

- Apparently they don’t want anyone named June marrying “April in Paris”. 

- I’m surprised they protested…the French usually just surrender. 

***** 

New York mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner admitted to reporters that there might be other embarrasing photos of him out there that haven’t surfaced yet. 

- And if they’re aren’t…he’s more than willing to take some more with his cell phone. 

***** 

A scientist claims it would have been physically impossible for Fred Flintstone to stop his car with his feet. 

- He did commend him however for using fossil fuels, and added that it was perfectly plausible that Fred had a talking purple dinosaur named “Dino”.

***** 

Virgin Airlines has launched a new service that lets passengers flirt with other passengers by sending a drink or snack to their seat, followed up with a text message. 

- Nothing says “I think your hot” like a $7 mini-can of Pringles.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an ALL NEW PODCAST with special guest Tom Ryan!  (Honest…Seriously…I mean it this time!) 

-Dick

Stranger Things Have Happened...

The Tigers are bringing back Jose Valverde. After falling apart at the end of last season, he’s been looking sharp in the minors and is headed back to the D. They say his speed and his change-up pitches are back.

And speaking of change-ups… If Chastity Bono can become Chaz Bono - why can’t Valverde become Verlander?   

BTW… Chaz is showing off a svelte new figure. He announced that the former She had dropped a whopping 60 pounds, going from 250 to 190. 

- He attributes the loss to healthy eating and a dramatic reduction in PMS cravings for ice cream and chocolate. 

***** 

All charges have been dropped against the Elvis Impersonator who was accused of sending poisonous ricin-laced letters to Politicians in D.C. 

- The FBI should have known it wasn’t him from the beginning because none of the letters were marked “Return to Sender”.  

***** 

TV Guide ran a poll asking “What’s the best TV theme song of all time?” The winner? The theme from “Cheers”. 

- The theme from “The Jefferson’s” started out strong, but then it quit “Movin’ On Up” the list. 

***** 

North Korea is reportedly training 11-year-old-soldiers for their army. 

- So now Kim Jong Un not only has children to command, but also to have playdates with! 

***** 

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr were seen having dinner together last Sunday in Beverly Hills. 

- They reportedly got into an argument, but luckily Yoko Ono was there to break it up. 

- Their waiter lamented that in lieu of a tip, “All I’ve got is a photograph”. 

***** 

Some toddlers in England have become so addicted to their iPads that they need therapy. 

- Remember the good old days when you got excited when your toddler said “iPoop”?

- Luckily, there are therapists available online 24/7. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! Plus an all-new Podcast Friday - Honest!!!!!

-Dick

"But I Don't Understand...I Thought You Were Happy?!"

A new study found that men really have a hard time reading women’s emotions. 

- D’oh! I mean Duh!

 *****

The latest hipster parenting movement is “going diaper-free”: Instead of putting diaper on babies, parents look for signals that they’re about to go and rush them to a bathroom.

- “Signals” include warm liquid running down the parents leg.  

- So basically they don’t believe in Pampering their kids. 

 *****

President Obama offered to wash the cars of U.S. Senators if they pass the immigration bill. 

- Then once it’s passed, all the immigrants will wash the Senator’s cars… just like they do now.

- The Senators said they’d consider it, but only if Obama wears a bikini.

***** 

4 in 10 Americans say obese people should have to buy an extra airline seat and should be weighed at the airport. 

- Which basically means that 6 in10 Americans are obese. 

- In a related story, 9 out of 10 Americans believe Linsday Lohan should be charged extra for all of her emotional baggage. 

***** 

New York mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner has opened a new Twitter account. 

- Hot dog!!!

***** 

Last week Kim Karsashian and Kris Humpries officially divorced. 

- Finally our long national nightmare is over. 

- Humphries didn’t get a dime in the settlement but got something much more valuable - He’s no longer related to the Kardashians. 

***** 

Have a great day, and thank you all for your kind wishes to my daughter JoAnne on her birthday yesterday!

P.S. NEW PODCAST FRIDAY…GUARANTEED! 

-Dick 

You Can't Spell "Comedy" Without A "K" As In "Kathleen"!

The Great Kathleen Madigan is coming to town on Saturday, May 4th, to record her upcoming TV comedy special at the Royal Oak Music Theater! I’ll be there and you can too… Shows at 7pm and 9:30! Produced by The Comedy Castle’s own Mark Ridley! For tix… click on Kathleen Madigan.

*****

Pope Francis has decided not to give bonuses to the Vatican staff that usually come with the election of a new Pope. 

- So that white smoke you see is coming out of the Cardinals ears instead of the chimney. 

- How are all the Father’s gonna afford their kids Christmas presents without a bonus? No, wait…

*****

Details of Kim Jong Un’s childhood will allegedly be revealed by his father’s former chef. 

- Turns out during potty training Un could never hit the Cherrio in the toilet bowl…which explains his pre-occupation with hitting American targets with missiles. 

***** 

Carnival Cruise Line has announced that it’s spending $300 Million in improvements to it’s ships. 

- The upgrades will begin as soon as they get all of the ships towed back to port. 

***** 

McDonalds in Japan is offering a “potato basket” to hold your fries next to the sterring wheel so you can eat them while you drive. 

- It replaces the earlier version of the fry holder known as “your knees”. 

***** 

Bus drivers in Marseille, France, are threatening to go on strike because the pants they have to wear are too tight. 

- And bus riders in Marsaille, France, are threatening to boycott buses because the bus drivers pants are so tight they can see their Eiffel Towers. 

- They could kill two birds with one stone by just having the bus drivers trade pants with the plumbers. 

***** 

A consumer group projects that by 2019 airlines will be losing 70 million pieces of luggage a year. 

- This explains their new “$50-We-Won’t-Lose-Your-Luggage-Fee”. 

*****

Before I wish you a great day…and Daughter #4, JoAnne, a great Birthday… just wanted to apologize for the much-promised brand new Podcast NOT going up this weekend. We actually recorded it - but due to a technical snafu (amazingly NOT my fault) it’s lost somewhere in cyber space. New one FOR SURE (I pinky swear) up this Friday! Thanks for your patience!

-Dick 

Kim Jong Goes Un-derground???

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has not made a public appearance in over 2 weeks. 

- Apparently he ran out of things to point at.   

*****

In a related story…Dennis Rodman has confirmed that he will be heading back to North Korea in August. 

- If there still is a North Korea! 

***** 

A 6-year-old boy here in Michigan ran into a sign after taking his dad’s car to go look for Chinese food at 7:30 IN THE MORNING. 

- As punishment his father took away two of his video games…one from Column A and one from Column B. 

- The kid ended up making himself Moo Goo Gai Pan-Cakes for breakfast. 

- With a side of Almond Boneless Bacon. 

***** 

A woman in Russia has given birth to a child in a car for the third time.  

- And for the third time, she gave birth in the very same car in which the child was conceived. 

*****

Now that Disney has purchased the Star Wars franchise from George Lucas, starting in 2015 they plan on releasing a sequel every summer. 

- So look for all the Storm Troopers to be wearing glass slippers…and Darth Vader to reappear in a sparkly dress and announce, “Luke…I am your Fairy Godmother!”

***** 

A French company is marketing a fork for dieters that vibrates to tell you when you’re eating too fast. 

- So now you know what to do when your eating and come to a vibrating fork in the road. 

***** 

Playboy has a new app that allows you to access only the articles on your Smartphone. 

- We’ll let you know how it goes over, as soon as somebody actually downloads the app. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with an all new Podcast - featuring special guest Tom Ryan! He’ll share stories about his recent and rather eventful trip to Disneyworld! 

-Dick 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Because he was a pathetic, cowardly, impotent-minded chicken who planted bombs to kill innocent people…but didn’t want to get hurt himself. 

*****

And so it happens again. What can only be described as a Terrorist attack on our soil and our people has once again shocked, saddened, and quite frankly sickened us all. 

It took just seconds for innocents - including an eight-year-old little boy - to lose their lives and at least 150 others suffer injuries - many grave.  

But in the Spirit of our Country, it took just seconds more for Police, EMT’s, Medical Personal and bystanders with no training but a deep sense of humanity, to spring into action and do everything they could to help the injured - and control, calm and direct the massive crowd away from the scene to prevent further loss of life.

There is certainly nothing coincidental about the fact that this despicable act was carried out during one of our country’s longest traditions - the Boston Marathon, on a day that the city that played such a defining role in the formation of our great nation celebrates as “Patriot’s Day”. 

Perhaps the perpetrator doesn’t know what a “Patriot” is. 

We are a people whose Forebearers stood up against incredible odds to break free of tyranny more than two centuries ago. Those men and women - many in the city of Boston - risked their lives to create a new world - where they, and the generations to follow, could live in a land of Freedom. 

And I believe those remarkable and brave visionaries passed on more to us than just a love of Liberty. They passed down a deep, unshakable love for Our Country. We are called the UNITED States of America for a reason: We always stand United… and we will never “stand down”. 

So while whomever is responsible for this atrocity may think of it as “a success” - (as opposed to the 50-plus attacks that have been thwarted since 9/11) let he, she or they be put on notice:

This is America.

We are Americans.

We will find you and bring you to justice.

What we will not do is cower in fear or change the way we live our lives. 

Today, we send our thoughts, love and prayers to the victims and families of those impacted by this tragedy. But also today, and for every day to come, we will - each of us - fight back against those who would do us harm.

So no matter where you go, Chicken…We’ll be waiting for you on the other side of the road. 

God Bless America! 

-Dick

Time To Put "The Cash In The Hat!"

Tax Day Dr. Seuss Style…

Do you like paying taxes, Sir or Ma’am? 

We do not like them Uncle Sam! 

You tax our house, 

You tax our spouse. 

You tax us here, you tax us there. 

You seem to tax us everywhere! 

You tax us if we’re single, 

You tax us if we wed, 

You tax us while we are alive, 

You tax us when we’re dead! 

But we must pay or risk a Jam. 

So here’s your check dear Uncle Sam! 

*****

Justin Bieber ignited Twitter after visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and leaving a message in the guest book. The Biebs said, “Anne was a great girl. I hope she would have been a Beliber”. 

- I think we can stop worrying about Economic Collapse and Nuclear War: Civilization as we know it has officially ended. 

- Apparently Justin’s knowledge of History only extends to the date he and Selena Gomez broke up. For the fifth time. 

***** 

A hotel for Chickens has opened in Eugene, Oregon. 

- Each room comes with cable TV, free wi-fi and a Rooster to wake the chicken up. 

- So now we know why the chicken crossed the road! The sign said “Vacancy”. 

***** 

According to a new article, Kim Jong Un’s fun-loving, playboy half-brother came close to becoming the leader of North Korea. 

- His half-brother is actually named Kim Jong Fun!  

- Are they implying that Kim Jong Un isn’t “fun-loving”? 

***** 

In a related story…Dennis Rodman has announced that he will be returning to North Korea for another visit in August. 

- Unless of course it’s just a parking lot by then. 

***** 

German researchers discovered that ants can predict earthquakes. 

- They can also predict exactly when and where you’ll be having your next family picnic. 

- That’s nothing…my Uncle could predict a rain storm with his bum knee. 

***** 

Mike Tyson has announced that he’s becoming a vegan. 

- Apparently Evander Holyfield’s ear left a bad taste in his mouth. 

***** 

Jenna Bush, daughter of former President George W. Bush has given birth to a little girl, the ex-Prez’s first grandchild. 

- The media was alerted by the big “Mission Accomplished” banner he hung outside the delivery room. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

How Come The Meteorologists Always Get It Wrong About Sunshine, But Are Dead On With The Rain?

It’s raining…It’s pouring… The old man is snoring…

But who gives a rats patoot? You can’t hear him over the sound of the thunder! 

Before the on-going storms knock out my internet…here’s a brief look at today’s news!

***** 

It’s been two years since US Congressman Anthony Weiner resigned in disgrace after tweeting picture of his nether regions to women, but now sources say he’s considering a run for Mayor of NYC. 

- Well we know he’s got a lock on the Hot Dog Vendor vote. 

- His wife is said to be standing beside him. She won’t sleep beside him, but she’ll stand there. 

*****

Former US Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick has signed on to hear testimony from a group trying to convince the Federal Government that UFO’s and Extraterrestrial Aliens really exist. 

- Well she should know…she gave birth to one.  

*****

The Postal Service canceled it’s plan to stop Saturday delivery. 

- Apparently neither rain nor snow nor the country being out of cash will keep them from their appointed rounds. 

***** 

A new study found that using social media makes people ruder…so rude in fact, that 40% of users say it’s destroyed some of their friendships. 

- And some of those ruined friendships were with people they actually knew! 

- Why not put the mean comments where they belong - on “In-Your-Facebook”?

***** 

The Country Music Hall of Fame announced that they’re inducting Kenny Rogers. 

- As they say, “You gotta know when to hold ‘em & know when to induct ‘em”. 

- They had planned to induct him the same year they honored Dolly Parton, but that turned out to be a bust. 

***** 

Obamacare regulators in DC, California & Colorado have ruled that insurance companies won’t be allowed to reject smokers or charge them more, because smoking will be considered a “preexisting medical condition”. 

- So your tax dollars will do the same thing as cigarettes…go up in smoke. 

- People will however have a co-pay each time they buy a lighter. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow! BTW…in a couple of weeks we’ll start a whole new round of Podcasts! But for now, all 76 of the Podcasts we’ve done so far are up on the homepage for your listening enjoyment!

-Dick 

You Mean Dennis Rodman was WRONG???

North Korea claims it is set to launch a missile “any day now” and has told foreign diplomats in the country that it can’t guarantee their safety starting today. Kim Jong Un’s people have also urged tourists in South Korea to evacuate. 

- With North Korea’s luck with missile launches so far, the only ones who should evacuate are the people in Kim Jong Un’s backyard. 

- Mrs. Un pointed to her four month old daughter as proof that occassionally her husband’s missile actually reaches it’s target. 

*****

A camel presented to French President Francois Hollandes as a gift was mistakenly eaten by some locals. 

- It was a little dry and the gravy was a bit lumpy. 

*****

Joe Biden scolded Republican lawmakers who are threatening to filibuster a new gun control bill by calling them “embarrassing”.  

- Biden added that if the Rebubs do fillibuster, he told his wife Jill to go out on the Captiol steps with a shotgun and fire a couple shots in the air. 

*****

A list of rappers and celebrities, including Kim Kardashian, wrote a letter to President Obama, urging him to ease up on enforcing drug laws. 

- Bill Clinton admits he signed the letter but insists he never inhaled. 

- The letter will be read aloud in a “Joint” session of Congress. 

*****

Researchers say they can cut the fat content of a chocolate bar in half by infusing it with liquid , such as water or fruit juice. 

- You can also cut the fat content in half by breaking the candy bar in two.  

- Critics reacted to the news with Snickers.  

*****

A new survey found that women really do prefer tall men with large winkies. 

- A similar survey found that short men with really small winkies threaten to launch nuclear missiles.  

*****

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

March Madness Turns To March Gladness, And Then March Sadness...

Many Thanks and Congratulations to the Wolverines for a great game last night and a great run-up to the NCAA Championship! They’re young…they’re good…and barring the lure of the NBA, they’ll be back! 

And Congrats to the Spartans who did the Green proud as well by making it to the Sweet 16!

*****

NASA has announced that the U.S. won’t be going to the moon again. 

- Unlike Jackie Gleason’s wife Alice, who went many times.    

- It’s not a total loss…Because Disney has announced plans to build a moon replica at Epcot. 

***** 

A Veterinarian say that sick dogs should be prescribed medical marijuana for pain. 

- So look for your pet to start wearing a neck brace and saying it hurts too much to drag his butt across the carpet. 

- People for the Ethical Treatment Of Goldfish wanted them to have weed for pain as well, but the lit joint kept going out when they dipped in in the bowl. 

- Or you could send your dog to Willie Nelson’s house and let him just breath in the air. 

***** 

Denny’s restaurant has opened a wedding chapel at one of their locations in Las Vegas. 

- They also have a Honeymoon package called the “Wedding Night Slam”. 

- In a related story, IHOP will host weddings for gay couples that includes the ceremony and a complimentary “Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity Buffet”. 

***** 

Fidel Castro urged North Korea to avoid nuclear warfare. 

- This is what happens when Dennis Rodman spends Spring Break in Cuba. 

***** 

Saudi Arabia’s religious police are now allowing women to ride bikes, but with limitations. 

- They can only ride bikes that don’t have wheels or handlebars. 

- If they do ride a real bike they suffer a severe punishment that gives new meaning to the expression, “Look ma! No Hands!”. 

***** 

President Obama has 29.5 million Twitter followers, but it was revealed that his account is run by his former campaign group, and he doesn’t write the tweets and might not even agree with them. 

- Well that explains the time he tweeted: “Joe Biden is the greatest Vice Prez ever!”

- Of course he doesn’t manage the account…No President can sit around all day twittering his thumbs! 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

A Maize & Blue Poem by Dick & Michigan Grad Jackie P...

I think that I shall never see…

A thing as lovely on TV! 

Tonight at 9:23p.m…

The Championship game for Michigan! 

68, 16, then 8 and Four…

Dare we…Can we… hope for more? 

Oh yes we can, for our blood runs Blue…

(Even those who rooted for MSU!)

From tip-off to the final buzzer…

We’ll send the Louisville guys back to their Dads and Muzzers. (Huh?)

For even if they lose…they’re still pretty lucky,

The can marry their cousin back home in Kentucky!

The Cardinals’ have a great team…which can make it scary. 

But do not forget that… WE’VE GOT McGary! 

Michigan! Michigan! The Blue and The Maize…

Will bring us back to the glory days!

I’ll be watching each free throw, rebound, and dribble…

While eating my favorite “Salmon Shaped Nibble”! 

A win tonight and you’ll be Champs of the NC “Double A”…

(Which I’m told is one of my 6 daughters’ bra sizes…which one I won’t say!) 

GO BLUE!!!!!

-Dick

"Buy Me Some Peanuts And Cracker Jacks..."

Big Day! Big Weekend! First pitch of the Tiger’s Home Opener at Comerica Park is set for 1:08p.m. Doug Fister takes the mound against the Yankees. As an added bonus, Tiger great Willie Horton of the ‘68 World Series will throw out the ceremonial first pitch! So if you didn’t already call-in sick and are actually at work, now would be a good time to start “not feeling so well”! 

Here are a few tips: 

- Dip your face in ice cold water and don’t dry it off. It will make your face red and the water droplets will indicate a high fever that is breaking. 

- Ask your boss if he or she happens to have a spare blanket as you are suffering from intense chills. 

- Eat something spicy which will make your nose run. Leave the used Kleenex prominately displayed on your desk for all to see. 

- Abruptly leave a meeting and run to the bathroom. Return to meeting. 2 minutes later…do it again. 

- If all else fails, call your cell from a landline. Answer it. Look shocked. And tell everyone, tearfully, that your Grandmother just passed away. NOTE: If she is still alive, tell her not to answer her phone today. 

GO TIGERS!!!!!

Switching sports…tomorrow night, daughter #2 Jackie’s Alma Mater Michigan takes on my Alma Mater, the Syracuse Orange at 8:49pm. The winner will play for the NCAA Championship Monday night! 

Here’s my predicament: I spent a lot of money sending Jackie to Michigan…and my Dad spent a lot of money sending me to Syracuse. I still have my Freshman “Beanie” and my Letter Sweater (The “letter” was “L” for Large) Look for my predictions (and who I’ll be rooting for) right back here tomorrow!

Have a great day - and here’s to the Tiger’s doing the same!!!!!

-Dick

You Mean They're NOT???

Public Policy Polling surveyed Americans on bizarre conspiracies and found that 4% believe shape-shifting reptilian aliens in human form have taken over our government. 

- What? Only 4%?

- The other 96% believe shape-shifting reptillian aliens in SEMI-human form have taken over our govennment.  

*****

Today is National Hug-A-Newsman Day!  

- Hug-A-Weatherman day has been indefinitely postponed until we get some decent Spring temperatures. 

*****

Another disaster for the Carnival Cruise Ship “Triumph”. The same boat that left thousands of angry passengers bobbing off the coast of Mexico in a ship full of sewage in February, has suffered another setback. Yesterday, the Triumph, docked in Alabama for repairs, broke free of it’s moorings, drifted downriver and smashed into another ship. 

- The only way things can get worse for Carnival is if they hire a certain Italian Captain to run the ship. 

- James Cameron says his new film “Carnival” will make “Titanic” look like a “feel good movie”. 

*****

In related news…Carnival Cruise Lines is blaming long lines to board their ships on the government sequestration. 

- Who are they kidding? There are no long lines of people waiting to get on Carnival Ships! 

*****

North Korea warned that its military now has the go-ahead for a “merciless” nuclear attack on the US. 

- Look for details in the upcoming biography: “Kim Jong Un-Hinged”. 

- Since they don’t have any missiles capable of reaching the US, I’m assuming they’re planning on giving Dennis Rodman a “Nuclear Wedgie” next time he’s in town. 

*****

After NBC finally confirmed that Jay Leno will be exiting the Tonight Show in 2014 and will be replaced by Jimmy Fallon, Leno has given Fallon his blessing. He told Jimmy he hopes he “gets to keep the show long enough to become the old guy”.  

- Fallon is 38. By most Hollywood standards, he already is the old guy! 

*****

A study finds that exercise and mental stimulation may help seniors stay sharp.

- Which explains the “in-house” gym at the offices of “60 Minutes”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday…aka TIGER’S OPENING DAY AT COMERICA PARK! 

-Dick 

Lifetime Channel Offers Time-Cher...

Cher will be the subject of an upcoming documentary on the Lifetime Channel centered on her work protecting the environment. 

- Turns out she put all that plastic in her face to keep it from ending up in landfills. 

- Despite championing the environment,  millions of vinyl records featuring “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” ended up in the trash heap. 

*****

Jeralean Taylor of our very own Inkster has earned the title of the World’s Oldest Living American at age 113. She was an avid bowler until age 104 and still plans to go on her annual fishing trip with a friend in May.

- At her age, she might end up “sleeping with the fishes”.

***** 

Saudi Arabia is considering lifting it’s ban on women riding bicycles in public.  

- I had trouble keeping my pant cuffs from getting caught in the pedals…good luck with a burka! 

***** 

Michael Jackson’s family is suing a concert promoter for $40 Billion in wages they say Michael would have earned if hadn’t died while preparing for a concert tour. 

- Apparently the money Tito is bringing in working at McDonalds just isn’t cutting it. 

***** 

Lindsay Lohan tweeted that she was prenant as an April Fool’s Day prank, but her followers didn’t get the joke since she sent the tweet at 5a.m. on April 2nd. 

- She followed up with a tweet saying she’d be a responsible mother by only drinking Airplane-sized bottles of booze.

***** 

A former editor at Vogue has written a tell-all book revealing that to stave off hunger pangs, starving models eat Kleenex.

- Single-ply I’m assuming.

- Why not eat paper towel…that way they could “Select-A-Size-2”.

***** 

Magic Johnson said he’s “very proud” of his son for going public about being gay.

- In athletics this type of annoucement is called “Coming out of the locker room”.   

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday. And don’t forget…we have links to all 76 of the Podcasts that we’ve done so far, up for your listening pleasure on our homepage!

-Dick

BaBa WaWa Sets The Wecord Stwaight!

Barbara Walters used “The View” to deny that she has any plans of retiring despite rampant rumors. 

- Or as Barbara called them “Wampant Wumows”. 

- She’ll at least stick around long enough to feature Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman as her co-picks for the “Most Fascinating Person of the Year”. 

***** 

During his Easter prayer on Sunday, Pope Francis made a plea for peace and unity. 

- The head of the Detroit City Council replied, “You talkin’ to me?”

- “Peace and Unity” also happen to be two of the names Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were considering for their unborn baby, but decided they were both too “normal”.

- In an effort to get another endorsement deal, Kim and Kanye are seriously looking at the name “South West”. 

***** 

Contrary to a magazine’s report last week, Forbes say that Madonna is NOT a billionaire. 

- They noted that she has, however, slept with a billion men. 

***** 

A Bible Scholar has taken issue with The History Channel’s popular series “The Bible”. 

- To be honest, most people usually prefer the book to the movie. 

- Apparently the scholar objected to the portrayal of Eve eating Acai berries instead of an apple because they’re higher in anti-oxidents. 

***** 

Lindsay Lohan is asking the court if she can still take prescription drugs while she is in a lock-down rehab center.  

- She didn’t ask about alcohol…so I guess she just assumes her room has a mini-bar. 

*****

Kobe Bryant has movied into fourth place ahead of Wilt Chamerlain on the all-time scoring list. 

- No, not THAT scoring list! 

*****

On this day in 1513 Ponce de Leon discovered what is now the state of Florida. 

- He knew he’d found Florida when he realized all the people were having dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

REMINDER: I’m taking a few weeks off from Podcasting…but all 76 of the ones I’ve done so far are up on the dickpurtan.com homepage! You pick ‘em…You play ‘em!