The Big "O"???

Oprah Winfrey said that after her Lance Armstrong interview they were both “exhausted and satisfied”.

- Did she interview him or is she sleeping with him???

*****

There’s a lot of buzz on the Internet over who should play Lance Armstrong in a move about his steroid scandal. 

- If they can just get Charlie Sheen sobered up enough to ride a bike…

*****

- The government wants to put stricter laws in place to prevent the mentally ill from getting guns. 

- So at least we’ll know that anyone in Hollywood who’s crazy enough to hire Lindsay Lohan won’t be packin’. 

***** 

Bill Clinton says Hillary is so healthy, she calls him her “first husband” because she knows she’ll outlive him. 

- We’ll yeah…that’s because she’ll be the one to kill him if she catches him cheating again. 

- I have a feeling that no matter how long Bill Clinton lives, he’s gonna die with a smile on his face. 

***** 

On the anniversary of the Costa Concordia cruise ship capsizing off the coast of Italy, the Captain told NBC that he has “no regrets” about his actions. Remember, he was giving his “date” a tour of the ship and accidentally “fell” into a lifeboat during the incident. 

- Somebody doesn’t have both oars in the water if you know what I mean. 

- He shouldn’t have been sailing in the Mediteranean…he should have been sailing in De-Nile. 

***** 

Facebook is adding a new search engine to match up people like a dating site does. 

- Changes to the existing facebook will include nothing. 

- Maybe this is how Oprah got the Lance Armstrong interview. 

- Guys…if you date one your “fake” female facebook friends, chances are she’ll carry the “faking” thing a bit too far. 

*****

According to a Men’s Health survey, the top female occupations that inspire the most fantasies for men are nurse and teacher. 

- Which means if you’re a school nurse, there are thousands of men fantasizing about you right now. 

- The least fantasy-inspiring profession was “Lorena Bobbitt Impersonator”. 

*****

On this day in 1998 Paula Jones accused President Bill Clinton of sexual harassment. 

- He denied it saying he was way to busy having an affair with Gennifer Flowers to harrass anyone!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast! (#70!)

-Dick

Obama Calls For A "Home Improvement Date"...

President Obama signed legislation that gives him and future presidents lifetime secret service protection. 

- He got the idea from another former President…Mr. Belvedere. 

- Call me crazy…but I thought all Former Presidents already had Service Service lifetime protection!

Oh Mama! Elton John's A Daddy Again!

65-year-old Elton John and his 50-year-old Partner David Furnish have announced the birth of their second son by a surrogate. Elijah Joseph Daniel Furnish-John was born by a surrogate as was his two-yeara-old sibling, Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. 

- So now Zach can say, “Daniel’s my brother…He is YOUNGER than me!” 

- There are plans for the family to appear on the reality show Toddlers & Tiaras”… Zach will be the Toddler and Elton will wear the Tiara. 

Oprah Deals Dope During Interview With Lance Armstrong...

Lance Armstrong reportedly confessed to Oprah Winfrey during a taped interview that he has in fact used performance-enhancing drugs. 

- And Oprah admitted to Lance that Stedman does the same thing everytime she gets frisky. 

Makers Of Ambien Wake Up To New FDA Regs...

The FDA is requiring makers of Ambien and other sleep aids to reduce recommended dosages because of the number of drowsy morning drivers. 

- It’s about time the pharmaceutical companies woke up and smelled the coffee! 

There's Something Fishy Going On At Walgreens!

Some Walgreens drugstores are selling sushi. 

- Nothing says “yummy” like sushi in the same aisle as a cure for toenail fungus. 

Mob Boss: You Want Hoffa? Dig This!

A mob underboss says he knows exactly where the body of Jimmy Hoffa is buried and it’s right here in the Metro-Detroit area. 

- The FBI says this is the biggest lead they’ve gotten on Hoffa’s whereabouts since…last Thursday. 

"Flu Blue Americans"!

The flu epidemic has reached 48 states and is spreading.  

- Al Gore is blaming it on “Global Vomiting”. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1868 William Davis, a fish dealer here in Detroit was granted a patent for a refrigerator car. It was called “an icebox on wheels”. 

- Which is exactly what thousands of metro-Detroiters called their cars when they got in them this morning! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Jodie Foster's Shocking Announcement That Shocks No One!!!

The gay rights groups GLAAD and the Human Rights Campaign praised Jodie Foster for coming out publicly during her Golden Globes speech Sunday night. 

- I didn’t realize admiting that your “single” and “lonely” meant you were gay.  

- She spent hours in her closet picking out just the right dress to come out in. 

Country Singer Actually Gives A Horse's Patoot!

Country singer Luke Bryan rescued a drowning horse from a river. 

- You can hear the full story in his new single, “I Saved A Drowning Horse From A River”. 

Lindsay Lohan Says "Bottoms Up" To Charlie Sheen...

Lindsay Lohan says she looks up to Charlie Sheen. 

- If she looks up to Charlie Sheen I think we can officially say she’s hit bottom - literally and figuratively. 

Meanwhile, while making her new movie The Canyons, Lilo was reportedly late to the set, fought with co-stars and drank. 

- In her defense, it was Monday. 

"In Space...No One Can Hear You Shovel!"

The Weather Channel has a new show called “Deadliest Space Weather” where they investigate wild weather systems throughout our solar system. 

- Reporters say the pay is good but the commute is a bitch! 

Well-Known Appalachian Hiker To Run For Congress...

Former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who resigned in disgrace after lying about going hiking in Appalachia when he was actually in Argentina visiting his mistress, is trying to make a political comeback by running for Congress. 

- It’s kind of refreshing…most guys wait to lie and cheat until after they get elected to Congress. 

- Who’s gonna stump for this guy? Two words: Bill Clinton. 

"It's Up To Flu...New York! New York!"

The flu is so bad in New York that Governor Cuomo declared a public health emergency. 

- In his ongoing effort to make New Yorkers healthy, NYC Mayor Bloomberg immediately banned coughing and temperatures over 102 degrees. 

- It may not be the flu afterall…it just may be a bad reaction to those hot dogs they sell from the “Roach Coaches” parked all over town.  

Freezing Temps Turn Starlets Into "Top-sicles"!

Los Angeles temperatures are breaking records for the coldest January, dipping to 34 degrees. 

- Thousands of women in Hollywood are buying heated bras just to thaw their implants. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1977 Linda McCartney was voted one of the Top 10 “Most Watchable Women” by the Bachelors Club. 

- On the same day she was voted one of the Top 10 “LEAST Listenable Women” by…everybody. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

"Lincoln" Logs Only One Golden Globe...

Despite heading into last night’s Golden Globe nominations with a total of 7, the movie “Lincoln” took home just one prize. Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actor in a Drama for his portrayal of Honest Abe. 

- It took him forever to get to the stage as he and his wife Mary were seated in the balcony. 

Jodie Foster: "Fifty Shades Of Lonely"?

Jodie Foster was awarded the “Cecille B. DeMille” lifetime acheivement award. During her acceptance speech, the 50 year old admitted that she is tired of being lonely. 

- How is that possible? There are hundreds of guys dying to go out with her! Oh, wait…

Kwame Gets A New Ankle Bracelet!

There was a lot of jewelry on display at the Golden Globes, but none as interesting as the electronic ankle bracelet that Kwame Kilpatrick is currently donning. He was ordered to wear the tether - which basically keeps him under house arrest here in Detroit - after failing to disclose a $2000 “gift” from a Chicago pastor. 

- It’s known as Kwame’s Illegal “Cha-Ching-Bling”.

- Kwame says it’s not nearly as tight as the leash his wife Carlita has him on.