NFL Star Chad Johnson is suing two websites for posting clips of his sex tape with out his consent.
- To be honest, most men don’t like the word “Johnson” and “Clip” used in the same sentence.
- I guess he’s afraid if people see the clips, interest in buying the sex video will Peter out.
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in 3D was number one at the box office this weekend. Exit polls showed one in three moviegoers went to see it just because it featured rapper Trey Songz.
- Imagine how many people would have seen it if somebody they’d actually heard of had been in it!
On this day in 1714 the typewriter was patented by Englishman Henry mill, but wasn’t built until years later.
- I guess the patent was handwritten.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
They say behind every great man is a great woman… Well in my latest Podcast you get a chance to meet the woman whose been behind me all these years! Yes…my microphone-shy wife Gail, agreed to sit-in for my daughter Jackie who has a cold, and join me as my special guest.
We not only reveal how, after a houseful of kids and grandkids Christmas Eve, we spent Christmas Day (Nothing says” Ho Ho Ho” like dinner at a place with plastic menus), we also share our different opinions on movies we went to see over the holidays. (They don’t call it ‘Les Miserable’ for nothin’).
Plus…we cover the latest from Hollywood… from Kim Kardashian’s announcement that she’s pregnant with Kanye West’s baby (I thought she was already showing until Gail pointed out that I was looking at her from behind) to Kevin Federline’s brother’s claim that HE is the real father of Britnany Spears oldest kid. (Either way, I think that boy got his DNA from the shallow end of the gene pool).
And speaking of kids… North Korea’s Kim Jung Un’s very pretty wife is expecting! (Apparently he’s got at least one missile that actually works).
We also talk about 86-year-old Hugh Hefner’s New Year’s Eve marriage to 26-year-old “Crystal” (The “something old and something blue” things the bride carried turned out to be her husband), the new trend in movie theaters - “Tweet Seats”, and how Hillary Clinton’s release from the hospital caused Bill to cancel some of his dates, uh…I mean plans.
And if all that isn’t exciting enough, I’ll tell you about a new website I found that may have you thinking twice before you hire someone to do your weed-whacking, and I’ll share a bizarre story about an ancient exercise bike, a junkyard and yours truly.
So grab your better half and take a few minutes to listen to me and mine in Podcast #68!
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Things are getting ugly on Captitol Hill… After Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accused Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner of running a “dictatorship”, Boehner fired back. He told Reid to “Go F—- Yourself” not once, but twice.
- They’re like the cast of “Jersey Shore” without the suntans.
*****
Doctors say they expect Hillary Clinton to recover completely after being treated for a blood clot in her head.
- Upon hearing the good news, Bill Clinton cancelled his date and took Hillary out for dinner to celebrate.
*****
Two major weight loss programs, Jenny Craig and Medi-Fast, say they won’t be signing Kim Kardashian up as a post-pregnancy weight loss spokeswoman after she gives birth to Kanye West’s baby. They say they’re going after “real woman” and Kim is just “not real enough”.
- A spokesperson for Jenny Craig said the company could however “help her drop two “butt sizes” in just three weeks!”
*****
The new trend in movie theaters is “tweet seats” - a special section of the theater for people who like to use social media during the show.
- That way you can set up dates on eHarmony.com while the bozo your currently dating is watching the film.
- Remember the good old days when people just annoyed you by talking during the movie?
*****
Experts say that “Post-Holiday Depression” affects about 8 million Americans.
- Luckily, we have Ground Hog’s Day to look forward to!
*****
On this date in 1847 the California town of Yerba Buena was renamed San Francisco.
- The move was made after dissapointing sales of “Rice-a-Roni…The Yerba Buena Treat!”
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with the first Podcast of 2013!
-Dick
January 2nd… I hope your Holidays were Safe, Happy and Healthy and that 2013 is a good year for one and all! And now, it’s time to dip our (frozen) toes back into the news of the day…
According to a study, the profession most likely to contract and spread a flu virus is postal workers.
- They’re making a movie about it called “The Postman Always Sneezes Twice”.
- If you catch a cold from a FedEx delivery man, it goes away overnight.
*****
On New Year’s Eve, Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expecting a baby.
- Suddenly I’m wishing the Mayans had been right about that whole “End of the World” stuff.
- Kanye said he’s excited, but added that “Beyonce had the greatest birth video of all time.”
*****
Hugh Hefner donned a tux to marry Playmate Crystal Harris at the Playboy Mansion on New Year’s Eve. There is a 60 year age difference between the two.
- Because Hugh was exhausted, they began their honeymoon early, and Hugh dropped before the ball did.
- Instead of rice, guests pelted the happy couple with Viagra.
*****
According to HeathDay “pubic hair grooming” injuries have increased fivefold over the last ten years.
- Hopefully this news will prompt people to restrict use of their weed-whacker to edging the front lawn.
*****
On this day in 1890, Alice Sanger became the first female White House Staffer.
- Later that day, President Benjamin Harrison called her and asked her to bring a pizza to the Oval Office.
*****
Have a great 2nd day of the New Year and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The last day of the year! I hope it was a good one… and that 2013 is even better!
Have a Happy and Safe holiday, and I’ll see you right back here next year!
-Dick
“When it snows, ain’t it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling…
We’ll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a Winter Wonderland!”
“There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy, when they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie…
It’ll nearly be like a picture print by Currier & Ives…These wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives…”
Let It Snow!
Let It Snow!
Let It Snow!
“And so this is Christmas…We hope you have fun…”
-Dick
“…They know that Santa’s on his way…He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh…” From the entire Purtan Family to Yours, We Wish You A Very Merry Christmas!!!
-Dick
Woke up this morning and was SHOCKED to find out that the world hasn’t ended! Of course it’s still fairly early in the day, and as far as I know, the Mayans didn’t give an exact time that the world would end today. So, since we’re not gone yet, I thought I might as well go ahead and put up a Podcast.
I’d like to mention, that this Podcast (#67) was intended for last Friday, but due to the tragedy in Connecticut, it just didn’t feel right.
That being said, Jackie and I, along with former “Purtan’s Person” and frequent & popular Podcast guest Tom DeLisle, talk about everything from Kwame Kilpatrick to Christmas Music (and no…I don’t think his ex-honor, his Dad Bernard, and Bobby Ferguson are “Three Wise Men” by any stretch!).
I also tell the story of how my wife Gail, and I, put up every cent we had to bring the Beatles to Cincinnati on their first US Tour in 1964. (Just wait til you find out how much it cost for a ticket to the show!) And we’ll tell you which Beatle actually stopped a concert to beg the girls in the audience to stop throwing a certain something at the band. (Nope…it wasn’t their panties!)
And speaking of music, we discuss why feminist writer Camille Paglia believes Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Rhianna are “ruining” things for women by sending us “back to the 1950’s”.
We also manage to reminisce about “The Whoa Boys” - one of the most popular character bits on my show (which Tom wrote) & we’ll update you on a newly discovered Dinosaur that lived 15 million years prior to any others found before. (For you non-scientific types, that means it was Larry King’s first childhood pet).
Plus…I’ll offer up a great last-minute clothing gift idea for that special someone that offers “The Crouch Without The Ouch”.
So quit staring up at the sky waiting for the Apocalypse and tune in to Podcast #67 Now!
Have a great weekend (if there is one)…
-Dick
Podcast #67 (34:22)
So here is it… the day before the end of the world. Which actually times out perfectly if your office Christmas party happens to be tonight. That way, you can have a few cocktails, Xerox your butt on the copy machine and let your boss know what you really think of him or her without fear of being fired.
Unless, of course, the Mayans were wrong. But hey…what are the chances of that?
The thought of office holiday parties reminded me of what has become one of the most requested Put-On calls I did (The real kind…when they were legal, and not scripted with actors!) It was to a woman named Lisa Rossi who was in charge of ordering the deli trays for the office party from the local Farmer Jack Supermarket.
So before the world ends, why not take a few minutes to sit back and listen to a woman who thought it was the end of the world when her order didn’t go exactly as planned…
Have a great day and I hope to be back here tomorrow…depending on how things go!
-Dick
Before we get started with today’s blog, Jackie asked if she could say a few words…
I can’t thank you enough for all of the kind words and “Likes” I received about the piece we posted yesterday. It was originally intended just for me - and someday for Charlie. I have always found it cathartic to put my feelings down on paper - it helps me make sense of things - even things I know I’ll never be able to understand.
Your comments about your own children, grandchildren and the children of Sandy Hook touched my heart.
I hope that the thoughts and prayers that all of us, together, are sending to those devasated families in Connecticut will help ease there unimaginable sorrow - if just a bit.
Thank you again and may you and your loved ones enjoy a safe, healthy and Merry Christmas…
-Jackie
*****
And now for a look at the lighter side of things…
According to e-mails and texts, Kwame’s only bank account is overdrawn by $236 and he’s $1.8 million in debt. That includes almost $900,000 in restitution and $650,000 in attorney fees.
- In light of his financial woes, I’m returning the size XXXXXXX reindeer sweater I got him, and will just send him 20 bucks instead.
*****
A woman in Australia has been awarded an undisclosed amount of money in a workman’s comp case after suffering an injury while having sex on a business trip.
- Apparently she works for NIKE and was following the companies policy of “Just Do It”.
*****
Fans of McDonald’s legendary “McRib” sandwich are getting an early Christmas gift: The McRib is available nationwide starting today.
- But just like a fifth of Vodka at Lindsay Lohan’s house…it’s available for a limited time only.
*****
Several WalMarts are opening at midnight this Friday, the 21st, the day the Mayan calendar predicted “The End Of The World”.
- Experts predict they’ll be sold out of stretch pants by 12:03…Apparently women want to be comfortable in the afterlife.
*****
A city councilor in Montreal is proposing a law that would require all dogs to understand commands in both English and French.
- My old dog “Mr. Muckle” was bi-lingual: he had the whole “Oui-Oui” thing down pat.
- One guy tried to teach his dog using “Rosetta Stone” but the dog peed on it.
*****
On this day in 1972 Helen Reddy received a gold record for “I Am Woman” the song that became an anthem for the women’s liberation movement.
- It replaced the old women’s lib anthem “Stand By Your Man” which just wasn’t getting people fired up.
Monday morning. Just one week from Christmas Eve.
Seems like I was just sitting down at my parent’s dining room table, joining hands with the many members of my family, giving Thanks for all the blessings that God has given us. There were 22 of us around the table that day - and we had much to be thankful for. We still do.
First and foremost among those blessings, our kids. Between the six of us Purtan girls, we have been lucky enough to bring eight wonderful, happy & healthy children into the world. Six boys and two girls. As of this writing, they range in age from 18 (my sister Jill’s son Matthew) to almost 11 monthes (my baby sister Julie’s little guy Brayden).
My son, Charlie, is eleven. And, to be honest, he is the center of my universe. He’s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last think I think about before falling asleep.
I love his laugh, his big brown eyes, the smell of his freshly shampooed hair. I love that he doesn’t care if his socks don’t match (“Mom…NOBODY’S gonna see ‘em!”) and the fact that he always asks if he can take an extra dollar on “Bagel Day” in case one of his friends forgets their money and might miss out. I love watching his hands fly over the keys - be it on the computer or the piano. I love his insistance that “hot dogs” should have their own spot on the “Food Pyramid”. I love that he loves to read (although if you ask him, he will adamently deny it). I love that he knows everything there is to know about all 649 “Pokemon” characters and will willingly spend hours sharing that knowledge with anyone brave enough to ask about it. I love that he keeps a journal and writes love poems that he will never show the girl he has had a continuous crush on since he was 7. I love when he tells me that I am “So 20th century”. And I love a little ritual that we started back on his first day of Kindergarten.
I remember how scared he was that day… New school, new teacher, new classmates. I had even taken the day off work from Dad’s radio show to make sure I was there on that all-important day. As we made our way to school, I tried to ease his fears by talking about all the exciting things he was about to encounter. I explained that the first day of school was really the beginning of a fascinating journey…one that could take him anywhere he wanted to go. “Where I want to go”, he said fighting back crocodile tears, “is home.”
“I know, Charlie,” I replied - trying not to let him see the tears blurring my own eyes. Then I said, “Hey… I think there’s something in your pocket.”
With that, his plump little five-year-old hands began rummaging thru the pockets of his little-man jeans.
“Did you find it?” I asked.
“I’m not sure,” he said, clearly perplexed. “It’s a little piece of paper with a heart drawn on it”.
“That’s my heart,” I explained. “It’s going to school with you. If you ever get scared or feel lonely, just put your hand in your pocket and know that I am thinking about you.”
As we pulled up to the school he folded the piece of paper, smiled, and put it carefully back in his pocket.
Over the years our little ritual underwent some changes. The paper with my heart on it fell out of his pocket one day and he got embarrassed. So instead, we switched to words - over the phone when I was at the radio station, and on the drive to school now that I work out of my home.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I ask.
“Uh, huh.” he replies.
“Can I tell you anyway?” I ask.
“Yup”, he replies.
And then I recite the words that I have said what seems like a million times, but are as true today as they were the first day I said them: “I love you more than the moon and the stars and all the planets in all the universes in all the galaxies from the beginning of time til the end of forever which will be never because forever never ends.”
And without fail, he smiles and says, “I love you that much too, Mom”. Sometimes he even touches his pocket.
I know that there are parents in a small town in Connecticut who probably had a similar ritual that they went thru every morning with their little one - be it a heart on a piece of paper or a simple kiss on the head. Whatever it was, they woke up this morning without the opportunity to share that with their child. I can’t imagine their pain. I can’t even begin to comprehend it. But I hope and pray that God’s grace and the Prayers and support of family, friends, our nation and people around the world will somehow get them through the unimaginable.
I drew a heart on a little piece of paper this morning…and put it in my own pocket. It’s just like the one’s I used to draw everyday for Charlie, but today, that heart is broken.
-Jackie
Pope Benedict hit the one Million follower mark on Twitter as he send his first tweet Wednesday. His first message read: “Dear friends, I am pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter. Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart.”
- Luckily, he didn’t end it with “Lol”.
- Later in the day, the Pontiff tweeted: “Sick of big hat. Anyone know where I can get one like Aretha Franklin’s?”
- The Pope is also “following” some other Twitterers including some Archbishops, Priests, and Lindsay Lohan.
Last night, an asteroid came within 140,000 miles of earth, just two days after it was discovered.
- It was actually trying to hit earth but it used the Map App on an iPhone 5.
- Isn’t an asteroid what the Kardashian sisters get if they sit on the throne too long?
A new survey finds that most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat.
- Most of them also believe he’s willing to “reach across the toy aisle”.
- So on Christmas Eve, Donald Trump will be putting out Cookies, Milk and a letter demanding to see Santa’s birth certificate.
A judge revoked Lindsay Lohan’s probation Wednesday and scheduled a hearing that could result in more jail time.
- Hopefully she won’t land in the slammer before she’s had time to finish her Christmas stealing.
- If I had a nickel for every hour that poor girl has spent in jail, I’d have a nickel.