For the third year in a row, AT&T has been named the worst cell phone carrier.
- The company had no comment…but that’s because when the guy who did the survey called, the connection dropped five times.
- Hey…at least they’re consistant!
Some cash-strapped churches are renting out their steeples as cell phone towers.
- Kids are now playing the hand game: “Look at the Church! Look at the Steeple! Open the doors, and see all the… Cell Phones!”
- The Churches are now known as iGod charging stations.
Studies show that erectile dysfunction drugs can cause amnesia.
- It’s true…men in the study said they no recollection whatsoever of that entire two minute period.
- Sounds like an explanation-in-the-making for guys who cheat on their spouses.
- The wives of the men in the survey said they don’t need a pill to realize the romantic romp with their husbands was “non-memorable”.
Denny’s opened a restaurant in Las Vegas that has a wedding chapel.
- It’s great for gay couples who want to have a “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Ceremony”.
- So now you’re guaranteed at least one “Grand Slam” on your wedding night!
On this day in 1621 Galileo invented the telescope.
- And the following day the woman who lived next door put up window blinds for the first time.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
So here we are smack dab in the middle of that magical time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What better time to take a few minutes to spend with a couple of fruitcakes (Me and Jackie) and our special guest, Dale Johnson. Before Dale became the producer-extradordianare of my 16-Hour Radiothon for the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club, he spent a few years as a “Mall Santa”. Today he shares a few of his favorite stories that include everything from a wet knee to the time his Santa-pants ended up around his ankles.
There’s also talk of the Pope’s new book that debunks some time-honored Christmas traditions…and we ponder what seems to be a new tradition: Everything on kids wish lists seems to be made by Apple! From a guy who used to wait anxiously for Lincoln Logs, that makes me kind of iMad!
Plus…we’ve got important information if you’re flying this holiday season (on a plane, not a sleigh). Turns out the TSA agents will be scanning a lot more than just you… (Hint: It gives a whole new meaning to “Pie in the Sky”).
Speaking of “invasive pat downs”… we’ll tell you about a new study out of Britain that determines whether or not there’s any such thing as “the perfect woman” and we’ll relay the sad story of a parrot who was killed by his owner’s boyfriend! Boy, you gotta wonder what the bird said to this guy!
So take a break from swearing at that strand of lights that just went out leaving a big blank spot on your tree and listen into some Holiday cheer (and a few jeers!) in Podcast #65.
Have a great weekend!
- Dick
Purtan Podcast #65: “It’s Beginning to Sound A Lot Like Christmas!” (34:38)
Obama and Romney are having lunch together today.
- Romney wouldn’t tell Obama exactly what he wanted for lunch, saying he’ll wait until he gets to the White House.
- Obama is charging Romney for lunch because he’s in the “Top 1%”.
*****
There were two winners in the $500-plus Million Powerball Lottery drawing. One person in Arizona and one in Missouri will split the big pot.
- NEWSFLASH: I didn’t win.
*****
The NFL fined Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh 30 grand for kicking Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in the groin.
- Schaub called it a “great settlement package”.
- Suh also got a speeding ticket this week…but wisely decided against kicking the cop in the groin.
*****
Richard Williamson, the Apple executive who oversaw development of their screwed up “map software” has been fired.
- They had a hell of a time finding him to give him his pink slip.
*****
A new study finds that female porn stars have highter self-esteem than other women.
- And much bigger breasts.
- The study also found that the female porn stars had low IQ’s but high STD’s.
*****
From the “Strange Story Department”… Allegedly Genetic testing has confirmed that the legendary Bigfoot is a human relative.
- No kidding! He used to be married to my sister!
- They were lucky enough to get a genetic sample off a pair of size 57 snow boots he tried on at Target.
*****
During the Soul Train Awards Jamie Foxx gave thanks to the “Lord and Savior” Barack Obama.
- To show his thanks, after the show, Obama took Foxx out for a last, I mean, late supper.
- Now I understand the meaning of the term “Crazy Like a Foxx”.
*****
According to Consumer Reports, about one-fifth of the U.S. pork they tested contained a growth hormone.
- An industry spokesman says they just use the drug to help pigs who have torn hamstrings.
- Looks like the “Little Piggy who went to market” was picking up more than slop!
*****
On the Today Show, Willie Nelson told Matt Lauer he hasn’t seen any harmful effects of smoking marijuana.
- He then thanked Katie Couric for taking the time to interview him.
*****
On this day in 1922 two archeologists discovered the tomb of King Tut.
- It wasn’t until years later that Steve Martin revealed that Tut had been born in Arizona and moved to Babalonia.
*****
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with an all new Podcast Friday!
- Dick
The Powerball lottery jackpot may top a record $500 million because so many people are buying tickets, figuring the more they buy, the greater their chances of winning.
- With the new incoming taxes headed our way, the winner will get a lump sump payout of 27 bucks.
China’s state newspaper republished an article from “The Onion” declaring Kim Jong-Un, leader of North Korea, the “Sexiest Man Alive”. They were embarrassed when they found out “The Onion” is, of course, a satirical paper.
- It’s apparent he got his good looks from his dad, Kim Jong-Ill.
- Call me crazy, but I think most women find Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the sexiest man alive!
Next year a Chinese company plans to build the world’s tallest skyscraper in just 90 days.
- It will be done so fast because instead of union workers, they’re going to hire 12 year old gymnasts to leap up and finish the higher floors.
- And an hour after this one is finished, they’re gonna want to build another one!
- The skyscraper will actually consist of two buildings: Column A and Column B.
- The lobby will have a giant fountain filled with “Chef’s Special Sauce!”
Playboy is celebrating 50 years of “The Playboy Interview”.
- And in that 50 years, not one man has ever read one of them.
A Belgian man is divorcing his wife of 19 years after discovering that she used to be a man.
- Apparently in Belgium they always have their “romantic romps” with the lights OFF.
- This explains why his wife was able to open beer cans with her teeth and always left the toilet seat up.
TMZ.com denied a report that they were planning on buying a drone aircraft to spy on celebs like Lindsay Lohan and Ashton Kutcher.
- You don’t need a drone to find Lindsay Lohan! Just look for the flashing police lights!
- If they’re going to use a drone to spy on a celeb my vote goes to Kate Middleton.
On this day in 1948 the first Polaroid camera went on sale in Boston.
- Please stay tuned to this developing story…
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Negotiations to avert the “fiscal cliff” broke down Monday because Obama insisted on raising taxes and the Republicans refused.
- Boy I didn’t see that one coming.
In a new survey, Americans have chosen Groucho Marx as their all-time favorite facial-hair icon, which is interesting since for most of his career, his trademark mustache was just drawn on with black grease paint.
- Rosie O’Donnell is mad because she came in second and her mustache is REAL!
- So now I hear all I had to do was paint it on???
President Obama says that despite troubles in the job market, business is booming and the economy is in good shape.
- Right…and Michael Moore was just voted the “Sexiest Man Alive”.
- Millions of unemployed Americans heard the “good news” while they were at home searching for a job on the web.
According to a study, 99% of Americans have sex by the age of 44.
- For once people are actually glad they’re NOT part of “The 1%”.
- In another study, the AARP says that Over 44% of Americans have sex by age 99.
The Pope has written a book about the early life of Jesus that debunks a lot of Christmas traditions, including that there’s no evidence in the Gospels that cattle gathered around him or that angels sang.
- He says there is evidence, however, that Mary and Joseph re-gifted a fruitcake they got from one of the Wise Men.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just filed to run for re-election.
- Well he’s not really going to run so much as he’ll walk slowly, shaking hands and kissing babies on his way to the donut shop.