Charlie Sheen has reportedly written Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help with her IRS problems.
- Apparently Charlie’s been smoking the same stuff Lindsay has.
On this day in 2009 Tiger Woods crashed his car at 2:30 in the morning after what soon unfolded as a marital quarrel over his “sexual transgressions”.
- And to this day, nobody can look at Tiger’s putter without remembering where they were when they heard the news.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Today is “Cyber Monday”…the day when retailers offer special deals to online shoppers.
- It gives people battered and bruised from fighting over a pair of tennis shoes at the Mall on Black Friday, a chance to continue shopping while laying on the couch with an ice pack.
Experts say Americans spent $11.2 Billion on “Black Friday”.
- And that was just Congress.
Because so many people showed up for early sales on Thanksgiving night, retailers are expected to move the start of “Black Friday” back even earlier next year.
- Christmas sales will start on Labor Day, which will now be officially known as “Black Monday”.
- Most people lied about going “shopping”…they just left dinner early to get away from their relatives.
This week, Congress will get back to work trying to keep the country from going off the “Fiscal Cliff”.
- The first thing they’ll do is approve money to buy themselves parachutes just in case they don’t get things worked out.
Police say that in California, more drivers are “high” than they are drunk.
- With the except of one “L. Lohan”.
- The “high” drivers are super mellow which explains all of the slow-speed chases…
Prince Charles says in an an interview that he’s “running out of time” to become King.
- So he fired his mother’s food taster.
- “It’s good to be the King!”
A German man claims that his girlfriend tried to smother him to death with her giant breasts.
- Well he didn’t so much “claim” it as he did “brag” about it.
- If she’s aquitted the first time, they can’t go after her again since “Double D Jeopardy” would apply.
- The prosecutor is trolling Plastic Surgeon’s offices looking for a “jury of her peers”.
On this day in 1716 The first Lion to be brought from Africa to America was exhibited in Boston.
- The following Sunday the Lion went to Chicago where it lost to the Bears.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Happy Day-After-Thanksgiving! With food on everybody’s mind…and belly… I thought I’d put up two “Best Of” cuts today that revolve around the subject of “food” (sort of) in the form of two great jokes that Soupy Sales told on my radio show.
Have a great “Black Friday” and enjoy the rest of your Holiday weekend!
-Dick
Mock Turtle Soupy & Sandwich (“Best of Purtan - Vol. 6 - 1:15)
Soupy Sales & Fun at the Bakery (“Best of Purtan - Vol. 6 - :51)
Happy Thanksgiving! It was a tradition for many years on my radio show to play Victor Buono’s original recording of his own “Fat Man’s Prayer” on Turkey Day… and in answer to some requests I received this week, here is that original version!The Fat Man’s Prayer by Victor Buono (2:27)
Have a safe, healthy and happy holiday!
And don’t forget to loosen your belt!
-Dick
After two men came forward claiming they were the victims of an underage sexual relationship with actor Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo, Clash resigned from Sesame Street.
- His first words were, “Can you tell me how to get…how to get to the Red Light District?”
- Elmo was so embarrassed he turned bright red!
*****
The cost of Thanksgiving dinner is going up again this year.
- Apparently it’s the additional cost of purchasing pies and cakes, instead of having the usual Twinkies for dessert.
- There may not be any Twinkies, but since the relatives are coming over, at least there will be a lot of Ding Dongs.
*****
Costco is selling complete “Turkey Dinners In A Box” for $79.95. Costco says “It is made up of free samples offered in the store over the last year.”
- I don’t know about you, but the way they describe that, it sounds pretty disgusting to me.
*****
If you are flying over the Holiday, keep in mind that this year the TSA is Going to scan all pies and cakes.
- Fruitcakes will be confiscated as “Bombs”.
- In today’s world, it’s “Over the Hill and Through the Scanner to Grandmother’s House We Go!”
*****
A new study has shown that having a little brother can raise your blood pressure.
- The study was funded by the Big Brothers Big Sisters of America.
*****
On this day in 1942 Tweety Bird, aka Tweety Pie debuted.
- Tweety Pie’s sister, Twinkee Pie got into a labor dispute and retired.
*****
Have a great “Day before the Big Day” and I’ll see you back here with a special Thanksgiving Day treat tomorrow!
-Dick
Frito Lay is working on a line of Cracker Jacks infused with caffeine.
- We used to look forward to the surprise toy in the box…now the suprise will be a jolt of caffeine.
Hostess is negociating with union workers in an eleventh hour attempt to save the company.
- Meanwhile snack cake lovers have organzied a “Million Ding Dong March” in Washington… no wait, that’s just Congress on their way into work.
- The Hostess Company is trying to encourage Union members to go back to work by sending them notes, “Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man. Bake me a Twinkie as fast as you can!”
As a back-up, Hostess is meeting with a baking company in Mexico to see if they will produce Twinkies.
- So look for the new Salsa-filled Twinkie at a grocery store near you!
General Petraeus is reportedly seeing a therapist for sex addiction.
- You can read all about it in his upcoming biography “All In- Favor Of Having Sex With Me Raise Your Hand!”
A Taliban spokesperson sent out an email and by mistake cc’d his mailing list, exposing 400 people.
- 72 of the emails went to Virgins he was conversing with on eSuicideBomber.com.
Reviews for Lindsay Lohan’s TV Movie “Liz and Dick” have been brutal, with some critics saying the movie is unintentionally hilarious. They do say Lindsay steals the movie…
- …along with some costumes and a lot of jewelry.
On this day in 1923 Garrett Morgan patented the traffic signal at a four way intersection.
- It worked better the next year when he added lights to the two other sides.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
With the demise of the Hostess company, single boxes of Twinkies are selling on eBay for hundreds of dollars.
- HoHo’s are selling for a lot less on Eight Mile.
- Without Twinkies, our family is going with Pumpkin Pie this Thanksgiving.
- Fortunately, Pop-Tarts have survived!
Triple A reports that 40 million Americans will drive at least 50 miles to attend Thanksgiving dinner this year.
- Anything to get away from the family.
- You’ll end up driving about 400 miles if you get directions from MapQuest or the new iPhone 5.
- Lance Armstrong will ride his bike 50 miles just to get the doping effect of the Turkey’s triptophan.
Senator Diane Feinstein said she can’t help thinking that David Petraeus lost control because he quit being a General and took off his medals.
- Could also be because he took off his pants.
- Under Feinstein’s theory, women are attracted to a man in uniform and men out of uniform are attracted to women.
Justin Bieber was the big winner at last night’s American Music Awards taking home three trophies, including one for “Artist of the Year”. Since his recent break-up with Selena Gomez, he brought his mom as his date.
- Which worked out great because it coincided with his school’s Mommy-Son Dinner Dance.
Kim Kardashian has sent out of tweet of her butt.
- She said it was a mistake… She meant to use that picture on the front of her Christmas cards.
- So Linsday Lohan isn’t the only “celebrity” who likes to rear-end people.
- It’s all part of Kim’s plan to launch a new social network, “Buttbook”.
The US Olympic women’s gymnastic team visited President Obama at the White House Saturday.
- They were there to teach him some new “positions” to take on Libya.
A new study says that teens with Smartphones are 1.5 times more likely to be sexually active.
- With one hand.
- And the ones who use protectection tend to carry “Really Smartphones”.