Did Petraeus Betray Us???

New details in the General Petraeus Sex Scandal are surfacing faster than Shamu during the Friday Fish Fry at SeaWorld.

I’ve posted a flow chart to help you keep track of the players (and I do mean players!)

In the meantime… General Petraeus annouced this morning that he will voluntarily testify at the hearings about the events in Benghazi. 

- At this point he’ll agree to do anything that will get him away from his wife for a few hours. 

*****

Petraeus could face criminal charges for sharing classified information with his biographer/mistress Paula Broadwell. 

- You say “Classified Information” he says “Pillow Talk”. 

- See ladies! This explains why men never want to talk after sex when you say, “What are you thinkin’ about?”.

*****

The Petraeus Plot has gotten even thicker after it was revealed that the FBI agent who investigated Jill Kelly’s claim that she was receiving threatening emails from Paula Broadwell, had previously sent Kelly topless photos of himself.

- Am I the last one to know that Anthony Weiner is working for the FBI?

***** 

Meanwhile… the investigation into Marine General John Allen, who took over command of the troops in Afghanistan when Petraeus left to head the CIA, is still under investigation for enchanging thousands of pages of “innapropriate” emails with Jill Kelly - the one who exposed Petraeus’ affair with Broadwell.  

- I had no idea our Generals were so interested in Privates! 

***** 

The 23-year-old man who accused Kevin Clash…aka… “Elmo” from Sesame Street of having a sexual relationship with him when he was underage has retracted his accusations. He now says he was of age when it began and it was a relationship between two consenting adults.

- And one fuzzy, red puppet.

- Bert & Ernie are said to be a little dissappointed that Clash, who is openly gay, never even made a pass at them.

***** 

On this day in 1908 Albert Einstein presented his Quantum Theory of Light.

- If he’d wanted people to actually read it, he should have named it his “Quantum Theory of Fifty Shades of Light Grey”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

"F" Word Used To Describe Mrs. Petraeus... No, Not THAT One!

A former spokesman for General David Petraeus described his wife Holly Petraeus’ reaction to his affair by saying, “Furious would be an understatement”. 

- Congress has dubbed the scandal “Fast & REALLY Furious”. 

BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE!!!!!

The current American Commander in Afghanistan, Marine Corps General John Allen is now being accused of sending 20 to 30 thousand pages of “inappropriate” emails to Jill Kelly. Remember, she’s the girl in Tampa who received threatening emails from General Patraeus’ girlfriend, Paula Broadwell. 

- Kelly looks like a Kardashian and this whole thing sounds like an episode of “The Real Housewives of Tampa, Florida”. 

- Sounds like John Allen wanted to “Tampa” with Mrs. Kelly. 

- Wouldn’t you think the top guys in the Military would have figured out an “Exit Strategy”!

This Story Brought To You By The Letters P-E-V-E-R & T???

Elmo Muppeteer Kevin Clash has taken a leave of absence from “Sesame Street” after being accused of having inappropriate releations with an underage male. 

- They say it all started when the young man was hired as a “Test-Tickler”.  

- Bert was accused of the same thing when he first started dating Ernie. 

- While he’s gone, Elmo will be replaced by the Afflack Duck. 

The Former Manure, Uh, Mayor Back In Court...

Kwame Kilpatrick is back in court today following a two week break in his Federal Corruption and Racketeering trial. The Kwamster tweeted: “Back in Detroit! Strapping on my boots. Time to go back to work on my freedom. Plus, I need the boots for all the bull excrement.”

- If anybody knows B.S. it’s Kwame. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1914 Mary Jacobs patented the bra.

- A year later she “padded” it and sold out.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Thanks and Thoughts For Our Veterans...

Though yesterday was Veteran’s Day, today is the official “Observance”. Thanks to all of the Veterans for their sacrifice and service.

I must include myself, since I spent a total of 8 years on Active Duty and in the Army Reserve. The most exciting action I saw, occured during training at Fort Bragg, the home of the 82nd Airborne. While there, I received a medal for my most noteworthy accomplishment, which was spending six weeks in the North Carolina heat and humidity during the middle of summer…and losing 30 pounds. (I don’t recommend it as a Diet!)  

Instead of the “Purple Heart”, I got a congratulatory phone call from the President…of Weight Watchers. 

And now on to other news… 

General Petraeus reportedly sent hundreds, and some reports say even thousands of emails over several months to Paula Broadwell, his biographer and the woman he was having an extra-marital affair with. The emails reveal that he had sex with Broadwell under his desk at the CIA.

- A move he picked up from Bill Clinton. 

- You’d think the head of the CIA would be a little better at keeping things “secret”! 

- Paula Broadwell says it was just her way of “giving thanks to our troops”. 

16,000 people a year go to the emergency room to treat genital injuries. 

- 5,000 of those trips have been made by a General D. Patraeus in the week since his wife found out about the affair. 

In other shocking romantic news… Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up. 

- You’ll be able to hear all the details in their new pop duet: “We Just Broke Up”. 

A study in Australia found that one-in-three women feel depressed after sex. 

- But, like the sex itself, the depression usually lasts only a minute or two. 

- This must be why they refer to Australia as “The Land Down Under”. 

McDonald’s just posted it’s first sales drop in nine years. 

- Looks like Michael Moore switched to Burger King! 

On this day in 1928, George Gipp’s request to “Win one for the Gipper” was fufilled when Notre Dame beat Army 12-6. 

- Yesterday, General Petraeus requested that his lawyers “Win one for my Zipper”.  

Have a great day, Thank a Veteran, and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

A Cure For "Post Traumatic-Election Stress Disorder"!

Welcome to the weekend! This week I decided to do something a little different than my usual Podcast.

I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some Politics from the Past. So I pulled out my boxed set of “The Best of Purtan & Purtan’s People”, and picked out a few bits we did on the air about two Presidents and one “Ballot Proposal” from years gone by. 

From Ronald Reagan to “Mr. Clinton’s Neighborhood” to a commercial parody it’s more fun than watching Chris Christie at a Weight Watchers Meeting!  

Ronald Reagan On Voting For Clinton - (2:58) - “Best of Purtan Volume 4” (1993)

A Vote For Proposition H - (:30) - “Best of Purtan - Volume 9” (2007)

Mr. Clinton’s Neighborhood - (3:00) - “Best of Purtan - Volume 9” (2007)

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!

-Dick  

Bored Stiff???

Scientists say that it is possible to literally be bored to death.  

- The study was paid for by friends of my ex-brother-in-law. 

If You Want Four More Years...Vote For Gym!

A new National Institutes of Health study found that working out regularly at the gym can add up to 4 years to your life. 

- That is, unless you spend your time on the treadmill watching Wolf Blitzer. 

- If Jack LaLane had only known this he might still be alive today! 

Bill Clinton To Visit Colorado...But Won't Inhale.

Colorado was one of two states that voted to legalize marijuana. 

- John Denver must have been psychic when he wrote “Rocky Mountain High”. 

- It gives a whole new meaning to the expression, “What does it take to get arrested in this Joint?” 

Man Of "Convictions" Wins Michigan Representative Race...

Detroit voters elected Brian Banks, an 8-time ex-con with a record of check fraud, to be a state representative. 

- The rule of thumb with Detroit voters is: 8 convictions is okay…but they draw the line at 9!

2012: More Money. Fewer Voters.

Despite $2 Billion being spent nationwide on campaigns, 12 Million fewer people voted than in 2008. 

- Apparently some Americans are so lazy, they won’t even exercise their right to vote!

"May The Pharmaceuticals Be With You!"

Harrison Ford is reportedly interested in playing Han Solo again if a new Star Wars movie is made by Disney. 

- But this time his light saber will only work if he takes Viagra. 

- The movie poster will feature Harrison and Chewbacca in side by side bathtubs on a planet in a galaxy far, far away. 

In Other Showbiz News...

Jermaine Jackson has asked the courts to legally change the spelling of his last name to “Jacksun“…For no apparent reason. 

And Cameron Diaz has announced that her favorite snack food is Fried Pork Rinds. 

- Thankfully the election’s over so now we’re able to get back to the REAL news! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1895 X-rays were discovered by German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen.

- He went on to discover X-ray vision thanks to the busty blond who lived next door.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with 3 Past-Election “Best Of” cuts! 

-Dick

"There's Got To Be A Morning After"...

And so it goes. More than eight Billion dollars ($2 Billion on the Presidential election alone), and about eighty gazillion radio and tv ads later and we are right back where we started from. Same President. Same Republican led House. Same Democrat led Senate. Same Gridlock.

No matter how you are feeling this morning - Happy or Sad, Thrilled or Disappointed… Let’s just hope our elected officials can put all the negative “He’ll/She’ll do/say anything to get elected” stuff aside, roll up their sleeves, and actually try to work together and get something done. 

Lines at many polling places yesterday were longer than any time in recent memory. 

- In fact last time I waited in line that long was for a “Tickle Me Elmo” doll at Toys R Us.

One of the big topics on Twitter last night was whether or not ABC’s Diane Sawyer, co-anchor of their election coverage with George Stephanoplous, was drunk during the broadcast. Video’s of what some describe as odd behavior, slurred speech and unusual questions are all over the internet. 

- If you had to sit next to George Stephanoplous all night long, you’d have to fortify yourself too… 

- Maybe she was just trying to drink George pretty. 

Here’s a sample of one of the videos…

Diane Sawyer — Drunk, Tired Or Flustered? - Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe

 

You be the judge! 

According to a new poll, 73 percent of Americans say they are stressed at work. 

- Another poll finds that 100% of Amercians said if they never hear the results of another poll about anything, it will be too soon. 

So now things go back to normal on our television screens. No more political commercials, just the ones so near and dear to our hearts — those for Geiko, Cialis and Bladder Control.  

Have a great day! 

-Dick 

V-O-T-E!!!!!

It’s Election Day…

No matter which candidate you’re rooting for, your probably a bit anxious. What follows are a list of suggested activites to keep your mind off the election (after you vote, of course) and get you through to the end without have an emotional meltdown. 

1. Turn off the news and watch some mindless re-runs of “The Three Stooges”. Scratch that. Larry, Moe and Curly may remind you of politicians. 

2. Head on over to Art Van &/or Gardner White. My gut tells me they just might be having one of the greatest sales in their history! 

3. Put up your Christmas tree! 

4. For the ladies… Get a bikini wax. I’ve heard nothing will make you relax like having a Russian woman put hot wax on you with a popsicle stick and say “One, two, three…RIP!”

5. For the men… Get your chest or back waxed. (Same result as above). 

6. Rearrange your cupboards putting all soups and canned veggies in alphabetical order. 

7. Heat up a can of Alphabet Soup and see if you can find the letters to spell out “Serenity Now”. 

8. Post a another picture of a “cute” kitten on Facebook. 

9. Try to find Dixville Notch on a map.  

10. If you’re at work, treat yourself to an extra hour on “adult web sites”.  

11. Send a “Thinking About You” card to Monica Conyers. 

12. Have lunch at a sushi restaurant and tell the waiter that your meal is undercooked. 

13. Clean the lint trap on your dryer, then use the lint to make a homemade sheep to put in the family nativity scene. 

14. Watch a DVD of the Tigers winning the World Series…in 1984. 

15. Head over to Costco and pick up a pallet of Maalox. Depending on how the election goes, you might need it. 

Have a great day - and don’t forget to Vote! I’m Dick Purtan and I approved this message. 

Here's Hoping For No Electile Dysfunction...

Some experts are predicting that between the damage and power outages and early allegations of voter fraud, we may not know the results of the Presidential election for days or even weeks. 

- If I have to look at those people examining anymore hanging chads, I’ll hang Chad myself. 

- I saw a commercial that said, “If you vote in an election that lasts more than 4 days…go directly to the hospital”. 

***** 

New Jersey residents, hard hit by Sandy, will be allowed to vote by email. 

- You don’t really vote…you just go to your favorite candidate’s Facebook page and hit the “like” button. 

- Then after you vote, you can send all your personal info to that guy in Nigeria who’s going to give you $17 million dollars! 

*****

After being deluged with complaints, Mayor Bloomberg did an abrupt about face and cancelled Sunday’s scheduled NYC Marathon. 

- To calm disgruntled runners, he handed out 32 ounce bottles of Gatorade. 

*****

Saturday, hundreds of people with puppets converged on Washington DC to support PBS’s “Million Muppet March”. 

- Notably absent were Bert and Ernie who were in San Francisco for the “Million Gay Puppet March”. 

- To be honest, it was hard to tell the puppets from the campaign spokespeople. 

- Kermit announced himself as a last minute Presidential candidate. He’s running for the “It’s Not Easy Being Green Party”. 

- They didn’t reach the million mark because most puppets were too lazy and just laid around in their boxes all day. 

***** 

President Obama’s senior advisor David Axelrod said he could tell the president’s speech in Ohio was coming from “his loins”. 

- So apparently it was written by Bill Clinton.

- People in attendance said the President’s speech wasn’t coming from his loins, it was coming from his teleprompter. 

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick says “I’m done with Detroit”, and it turns out he has two friends who pay for all of his flights between Dallas and Detroit, and his hotel rooms.

- So Kwame definitely has “Friends with Benefits”.  

*****

On this date in 1492 Christopher Columbus saw corn for the first time. 

- Then he saw a naked picture of Pocahontas and he saw “porn” for the first time.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget to vote!!!!!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #63: "From Frankenstorm to Frankenstein...Frankly, I'm Glad It's Almost Election Time!"

What a week… Hurricane Sandy certainly made for a scarier Halloween than usual! And with the Presidential election just days away, the winds (in this case political hot air) continue to blow. In my latest Podcast, I sit down with Jackie (as usual) and my wife, aka Jackie’s Mom, Gail (not-so usual!) for a look at both the big and little things of interest. 

From the 108 year-old-woman in Florida who cast her very first Presidential ballot (I guess she voted early just to be on the safe side) to Lindsay Lohan’s incredibly “insightful” Tweets about the big storm, we bounce from topic to topic faster than Chris Christie on his way to a donut shop. 

The usually microphone-phobic Gail and I re-count another hurricane from years ago that we not only lived thru (gratefully) but actually drove through (stupidly)! 

And with this being the weekend to “Fall Back”… I’ll tell you about something I did with my alarm clock last weekend that had me more confused than Chaz Bono in a Unisex bathroom. 

Plus, I’ll tell you how we spent our Halloween night with Frankenstein and his son while handing out my traditional Soup to the trick-or-treaters!) 

So grab some leftover candy and settle in for a “Fun-Sized” Podcast! 

Have a great, safe weekend! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #63