Hillary Clinton broke the record for the most number of countries visited by a Secretary of State.
- And Bill Clinton broke the record for visiting the most massage parlours while your wife is out of town.
- That’s nothing… I visited 10 countries in one day! Of course I was at Epcot at the time.
A U.S. sailor has been arrested by the Navy after admitting he deliberately set a fire on a nuclear submarine that caused $400 Million in damages. He says he did it because he was feeling anxious and wanted to go home from work early. He could face life in prison.
- Where he will feel even more anxious and REALLY want to go home early.
- Why didn’t he just say his Grandma died like everybody else does when they want to skip work?
A brown bear had to be removed after he wandered into a Sears store in Pittsburgh.
- He was looking for some guy named Roebuck.
- The bear had planned on shopping at Target, but the name freaked him out.
- We may not know about the chicken, but at least we now know why the bear crossed the road.
“American Idol” had confirmed that Mariah Carey will replace Jennifer Lopez at the judges table. She’ll reportedly take home $17 million for her first season.
- $17 million to tell someone their a bad singer? My wife tells me that for free every time we take a drive.
PBS fired Fred Willard as narrator of the new flea market competition series “Market Warriors” fearing that his arrest for lewd behavior in a porn theater would cause Congress to cut their funding.
- If they need cash I’m sure Fred would be willing to lend them a hand… but just one.
- NOTE: A female usher at the porn theater told Police that he was, indeed, “Best in Show”!
Joe Paterno’s statue was removed from outside Penn State’s football stadium.
- Some die hard Penn State fans were so upset they had to “look the other way.”
Sally Ride, America’s first female astronaut, has died at the age of 61.
- She was also the first person in history to ever stop at the Moon to ask for directions.
On this day in 2005 Lance Armstrong won his 7th consecutive Tour de France.
- It was all downhill from there.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Like many of you, I spent a lot of time this weekend staring at the television, trying to make sense of the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado. Police press conferences. Gut wrenching interviews with the victim’s friends and families. First-hand accounts from those who were there and somehow managed to escape. Psychologists trying to answer the big question: Why? Today I’m no closer to “wrapping my head around it”, as they say, then I was on Friday.
This morning the “Suspect” (we must call him that in this country because our laws dictate that he is “presumed innocent until proven guilty”) made his first appearance in court. He looked disoriented and “out of it” as the judge explained that he would be held without bail. The “Alleged shooter” has a court appointed attorney and is not cooperating with police, nor did he speak at the hearing.
Thankfully, though, as he was arrested he did talk to the Police (for some weird unexplained reason) and told them he’d booby-trapped his apartment. Who knows how many lives that spared?
What we do know is that 12 lives were lost and 58 other people were wounded (some lifetime injuries) in a deranged act that took just moments to carry out, but was months in the planning. All this by a person whose name I will not give, because when we speak of him by name, in his twisted mind, he gets the attention he sought.
4 weapons - including the type the Taliban use in Afghanistan - all purchased since May.
6000 rounds of ammunition bought over the internet.
Body armor.
Bullet-resistant black tights.
A 24-year-old with hair dyed flaming red - just like “The Joker” - the depraved character from the Batman movie that he apparently was emulating.
And a plan…
Dress normally. Buy a ticket to the special Midnight Showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” - just like all the other excited Batman fans. Take a seat in the front. Then, as the movie begins, slip out of the emergency exit to the side of the screen, change into your killing clothes, and sneak back in the theater through the same door that you’ve left slightly open. Then… the real show begins. Toxic smoke…the sound of gunfire… the realization, as bodies fall, that no - this isn’t part of the Movie.
If only it were.
Like Columbine and Fort Hood, Virginia Tech and Luby’s Cafeteria… and yes, like Oklahoma City and 9/11, once again we are left shaking our heads, praying for the victims and their families, and trying to understand something that I don’t believe the human brain - or heart - is capable of understanding.
Unfortunately we can now add “going to the movies” - one of life’s simple pleasures - to that growing list of things that make us a little uneasy.
But we are Americans. We rally together and bounce back. We’ve done it before, we’ll do it now, and (unfortunately) I’m sure we’ll have to do it again.
For now, though, there is shock and a deep sadness. And the nagging question “Why?” that will never be answered.
I once asked my daughter Jackie why she watched “Gone With The Wind” over and over on our VCR. She told me it was simple: she kept hoping it would end differently.
I think she was on to something.
-Dick
A new study says that 70% of women think they’re fat at least 3 times a day.
- Those three times? All morning. All afternoon. And all evening.
- This explains the bumper sticker I saw on a woman’s car the other day reading, “Does This SUV Make My Butt Look Big?”.
- The same study showed that 70% of obese men think they look great in a Speedo.
Homeland Security has discovered a loophole in US law that lets terrorist suspects who are on the no-fly list for commerical flights sign up for flight school and learn how to pilot planes themselves.
- The creators of that law have been put on the the “no-brains” list.
- Of course most of the terrorists sign up for a crash course.
A study finds that people who are consistently online may develop mental disorders.
- Except for people who use Mac’s since “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”.
- The good news is they can diagnosis themselves just by going to WebMD.com
Disgraced ex-New York congressman Anthony Weiner denied reports that he’s planning to run for mayor of New York.
- I hope not, because frankly, I think we’ve all seen enough of his “stimulus package”.
An Akron, Ohio woman is panhandling by the side of the road to raise money for breast implants.
- She’s gotten so many donations she says her “cups already runneth over”.
- This happens all the time in Silicone Valley.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was promoted to the military’s top rank.
- It’s good to be the boss!
On this day in 1957 Don Bowden became the first U.S. runner to break the four minute mile.
- He attributed his success to being in good shape and the fact that the cops were chasing him for shoplifting at the time.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast!
-Dick
The President and Michelle Obama were on the “kiss cam” at an Olympic tune-up basketball game Monday.
- Apparently, he’s still trying to lock-in Michelle’s vote.
- It reminds me of Bill Clinton’s political strategy of “shaking hands and kissing babes”.
Because of financial cuts, NASA astronauts hitched a ride to the space station with the Russians.
- They were actually headed for Saturn, but the Russians weren’t going that far.
- The astronauts floated in space for three hours with their thumbs out before somebody finally stopped to pick them up.
Facebook is now doing wedding announcements.
- It’s a great way to let all of your fake friends know you’re getting married to someone who looks nothing like their profile picture.
- If the marriage doesn’t work out, you don’t get divorced, you just hit the new “unmarry” button.
The Octomom, Nadya Suleman, finally made her debut at a Florida strip club, but she only danced topless, not bottomless.
- But after breast-feeding all those kids, her top sags all the way down to her bottom anyway.