A watchdog group has discovered that the government spent $1.5 million in federal stimulus money studying erectile dysfunction.
- And that’s why they call it “Stimulus Money”.
- Another example of your tax dollars hard at work…
- The secret code name for the program was “Cialis Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”.
Reasearchers say that fat starts to reach a person’s waistline within three hours of eating a meal.
- With the exception of Kim Kardashian - where the fat goes right past her waist and straight to her butt.
- So it takes four hours to fly to Vegas… but only three hours for the free buffet to land on your gut?
In a related story… a new study claims that sleepwalking is not rare in the United States.
- Which is why I always eat a huge, fatty meal before bed so I can walk it off while I’m sleeping.
Officials in a Japanese city claim they’ve created the biggest public toilet in the world.
- Of course if everyone flushes at the same time, Tsunami warnings are issued in Hawaii.
- I thought NYC’s Times Square was the biggest public toilet in the world.
- The toilet is so big, it’s got it’s own Mayor… a Mr. “Ty. D. Bowl”.
Some Arabs are protesting Sasha Baron Cohen’s new comedy, “The Dictator”, saying that it makes them look bad.
- Unlike Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who always makes them look good!
On this day in 1620 the first merry-go-round was seen at a fair in Turkey.
- It was almost as popular as the carnival’s biggest attracton: “Whack-A-Greek”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand-spanking new Podcast!
-Dick
President Obama said Tuesday that his daughers Malia and Sasha can only use their cell phones on weekends.
- So they were forced to order a pizza last night on the Oval Office phone and were confused when Monica Lewinsky showed up.
- The girls were so angry they sent out mean tweets about their dad and were immediately arrested by the Secret Service for making a threat against the President.
A survey says that 12 percent of American moms use their cell phones during sex.
- I believe this is known as “phone sex”.
- Experts warn that much like driving, using your cell phone during sex can result in a rear end collision.
- Bill Clinton always talks on his cell phone during “the deed”… so he can call Hillary and assure her that he’s home vacuuming.
Chris Matthews, who repeadedly mocked Sarah Palin as a dunce who would bomb out on “Jeopardy”, went on the show this week and came in last with only $2300.
- He said he was distracted by “the tingle” that went up his leg everytime he pushed the buzzer.
- Chris did ace one category: “American Presidents Whose Last Name Start With ‘O’”.
- So basically the host of “Hardball” couldn’t even get the “softball” questions.
New Jersey “Tanning Mom” Patricia Krentcil said she would pose for Playboy if they ask.
- If I were her, I wouldn’t be waiting by the phone.
- I think she stands a better chance of landing the cover of “Leather Face Quarterly”.
- If they turn her down, she’s offered to have her little girl pose for the Highlights Magazine tanning issue in the Pediatricians office.
NBC unveiled it’s new fall lineup. Headlining the list: a show about Hannibal Lecter.
- It will be called “Everybody Loves Raymond… With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti”.
A new study shows that many pregnant women fear exercising while they are expecting.
- That’s because being in such good shape is what got them pregnant in the first place.
- Maybe they’re just saving up all their energy for “the big push” at the end of 9 months.
On this day in 1770, 14-year-old Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis XVI of France who was 15.
- Years later, she was beheaded for telling the starving peasants, “Let them eat cake”. Unfortunately for her, there was no Entenmann’s Bakery in Paris.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Southeast Michigan may become home to a new version of NYC’s “Chinatown”, a planned community of 415 upscale homes for Chinese immigrants. It would be built off US 23, south of Ann Arbor. The idea is to encourage Chinese investors and to entice Asian students to attend U of M.
- Zingerman’s Deli has already added “General Tso’s Pastrami” to their menu.
- They’re also offering a new alcoholic beverage: “Let’s Go Brew!”
Newsweek Magazine has caused quite a stir by putting President Obama on the cover with a rainbow halo - calling him America’s First Gay President.
- Next week they’ll run a picture of Michelle Obama playing the part of “a beard” with the caption: America’s 1st First Lady Married To A Gay Guy.
- Donald Trump immediately demanded to see Obama’s credit card receipt from a gay bar.
- Apparently Obama will bend over backward to get re-elected.
The CEO of Yahoo resigned after it was discovered that he didn’t have the degree he claimed to have.
- If lying on a Social Neworking site is cause for losing your job, everybody on Facebook should be in the unemployment line.
- Boy… if you can’t lie to your fake friends, who can you lie to?
- He has already formed a new company: eLieOnYourResume.com
Because of Japan’s declining birth rates, researchers say that the Japanese could be extinct in 1,000 years.
- Well where are we gonna get our TV sets from?
- Great… something else to keep me awake at night.
- Japan has now been renamed “The Land of the Raising Not Enough Sons”.
Whitney Houston’s family is getting their own reality TV show.
- They’re going through the usual stages of grief… shock, denial, & signing up for a big bucks TV gig.
- The first episode will be about the day Whitney died and will be titled: “Houstons… We Have a Problem”.
- Whitney’s aunt Dionne Warwick actually predicted that this would happen, but she charged the family $7.99 a minute to give up the info.
ABC is turning Nik Wallenda’s attempted tightrope walk over Niagara Falls into a prime-time TV event next month.
- It will either last two hours or about five minutes depending on how things go.
On this day in 1905 the city of Las Vegas was founded.
- Nobody knew about it for years because “What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas!”
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Hope you had great Mother’s Day and got some nice gifts.We received a nice gift at my house…the Cable went out…thusly i’m having computer issues and therefore we’re having to put up a simpler addition of today’s blog.
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The Barack Obama campaign website is already selling a line of of gay-themed merchandise including “My Two Moms like Obama” baby onsies, and “I’m Out for Obama” T-shirts.
- If they really want to encourage re-election, shouldn’t they put the message on “Two-sies” instead of “Onesies”?
- The Prez has taken it even further, suggesting a reality show called, “America’s Next Same Gay Top Chef”.
- Queston: How does one know if an infant is gay? Unless he’s a boy and shows no interest in “breast feeding”.
Twitter is still buzzing over a report that Mitt Romney held down another student in high school and cut his hair because he and his friends thought the guy was gay. Romney has apologized - but says he honestly doesn’t remember the event.
- Hey… this was in the Woodstock days. Nobody remembers anything from back then.
- At least it wasn’t John Edwards… he would have hired someone to hold the guy down, cut his hair, and then charge him 200 bucks.
- If only he’d done this to Donald Trump… he wouldn’t be considered a bully, he’d be a hero.
90-year-old Betty White has endorsed President Obama.
- I always thought she had something for Bea Arthur during “The Golden Girls”.
- Betty is very political… she once hosted a lavish dollar-a-plate fundraiser for Abraham Lincoln.
A White House advisor said that obesity may be the country’s biggest threat to national security.
- So we don’t need to worry about al Qaeda, we need to worry about “al Fatta”.
- Michael Moore was immediately put on the “No Fly” list.
TIME Magazine is getting a lot of attention over it’s latest cover featuring a breastfeeding mother.
- People wouldn’t care so much if the “baby” wasn’t 18-years-old.
- So basically TIME is the new National Geographic.
According to the Post Office, Mother’s Day is still the #1 day for greeting cards.
- Of course “Octomom” sort of throws off the curve.
- Father’s Day is a close second, but the illegitimate kids of NBA players don’t buy their dad’s cards because they don’t know where to send them.
NYC officials say that “butt dials” accounted for nearly 40 percent of the 911 calls received in 2010.
- Officials say this shows a crack in the system that needs to be fixed.