Purtan Podcast #42: "8 Lovely Weddings For My 6 Lovely Daughters... Get Me To The Church On Time!"

It’s a big weekend for me, my wife Gail, and the whole Purtan family as daughter Jill (#3 of 6) prepares to walk the last mile… um… I mean… down the aisle! She’s asked both Gail and me to give her away this time, since I did it alone last time, and it just didn’t take! Join us, along with the blushing Bride-to-Be and her sister Jackie, as we reveal the inside secrets of the impending nuptials. (Yes… I will be hitting the dance floor to lead the group in the tradional YMCA! - althought I haven’t made the final decision whether to go as the Cop or the Construction Worker…). Plus, we’ll tell you about the drama that ensued when Julie’s (that’s daughter #6) 4-month-old son, Brayden was chosen as the ring bearer (over the other 5 male cousins). It’s all here for your listening pleasure! (Except for the wedding night plans… there are just some things a Dad doesn’t want to know!) 

Have a great weekend and Congratulations to Jill and Mark! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #42

P.S. Sunday is, of course, “Mother’s Day”, and in keeping with tradition, I’m posting a song I used to play in honor of all the Moms (and Dads) out there every year on the radio! Enjoy! 

If It Wasn’t For Your Father Would Your Mother Be Your Mother?

Breaking News: Obama Actually Listens to Biden!

After a lot of hemming and hawing, President Obama said yesterday that same sex marriage should be legal. Obama made the statement after being pressured by Joe Biden. 

- The Gay community is thrilled… but this doesn’t mean they’ll vote the “straight” Democratic ticket. 

- Critics say he only made the announcement to shore up the critical “hair dresser vote”. 

- This marks the first and only time the President has taken advice from Joe Biden. 

Things Not So Happy And Gay In North Carolina...

Wednesday, voters in John Edwards’ home state of North Carolina approved a ban on gay marriage. 

- So it’s okay for a guy to marry his sister… just not his best friend. 

  - John Edwards applauded the move saying it’s about time people 

stood up for the sanctity of marriage! 

New al Qaeda Underwear: It's The Bomb!

Investigators say that someone wearing al Qaeda’s new streamlined underwear bomb could have gone through airport security without being detected. 

- This new underwear explodes while you’re wearing it, as opposed to “Spanx” which makes a woman explode when she takes it off.  

Justin Bieber Flips His Tassle In Public!

Justin Bieber is now an official high school graduate. 

- When he got his diploma, he threw his cap in the air and millions of teenage girls across America threw their training bras in the air. 

- That diploma will really come in handy in case the whole music-thing doesn’t work out for him. 

Indian Style Not Sitting So Well With Critics...

Opponents of U.S. Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts say there’s no record to back her claim that she’s Native American. 

- A lot of people now have “Reservations” about voting for her. 

- She calls questions about her heritage, “A lot of Sitting Bull!”  

- Some say Warren is indeed a Native American but say she has a rather “loose” past. They call her a Nava-Ho. 

Charlie Sheen Has Already Put A Down-Payment On It!

The Miami house where the movie Deep Throat was filmed is going up for sale. 

- Much like a car, the home is listed as “previously enjoyed”. 

- Prospective buyers are lining up to find out what’s behind the Green Door. 

- The house is a “Do-plex”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1924 J. Edgar Hoover was named Director of the FBI. 

- Critics thought his acceptance speech was great, but thought the dress he wore showed a little too much cleavage. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a special “Purtan Family Wedding” Podcast, plus my traditional tribute to Mother’s Day in song: “If It Wasn’t For Your Father…”

-Dick  

Yes... By 2030, These Jeans Will Make Most Of Our Butts Look Big!

A new report projects that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by 2030. 

- Of course the other 58% already are. 

- Two people were excited by this news: Jenny Craig and Florine Mark. 

John Edwards Continues To Swim Upstream Against Charges...

A former John Edwards speechwriter testified that contrary to his denials, Edwards knew that a wealthy elderly female donor was providing money to cover up his pregnant mistress. 

- And she should know… she’s the one who wrote the speech where he denied everything.  

- Edwards called his speechwriters testimony “false”, saying she was always trying to put words into his mouth. 

- So the old lady was the money donor… and John was the sperm donor. 

With An Endorsement Like This... Who Needs Enemies?

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney, but it was a lukewarm endorsement sent out to his supporters via a late-night e-mail. 

- But to add a little extra oomph, he also hit the “like” button on Romney’s Facebook page. 

- As a “thank you”, Mitt has agreed to appear at one campaign appearance wearing a really expensive designer sweater vest. 

- I’ve gotten more heartfelt e-mails from guys in Nigeria asking me for money.

If This Resort Had Only Been Around When Hitler Was A Kid...

The first health resort for stressed out toddlers has opened in Germany.

- It’s called “Mein Camp”.

- Trainers at the resort try to calm the kids by reading them books like “Mother Goose-Step”.

Red Hots! Get Your Red Hots!

The “Hot Dog Hooker” is back on the streets. After serving a week in jail, a female NYC Hot Dog Cart Vendor who was arrested for selling sexual favors to customers is back at work today. 

- Men in the area began lining up for lunch at 5 this morning. 

- After a week off work, she says she has “a lot to ketchup on”. 

- Her services are popular with everyone but gay men who say they prefer “Nathan’s Hot Dogs”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1899 the lawn mower was patented. 

- The guy who got the patent actually borrowed the idea from his neighbor. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

The Check's In The Mail...

The US Senate has approved a bill, bailing out the failing US Postal Service to the tune of $34 billion. 

- They currently lose 25 million a day… That’s DOLLARS not LETTERS.

Ron Paul Has His Hands In Everything!

GOP Presidential hopeful Ron Paul, a former gynecologist, says he’ll try to eliminate TSA agents at airports. 

- Star Trek fans are up in arms… Invasive airport Pat-Downs are the only action they ever get! 

- Paul’s position is expected to stirrup a lot of controversy. 

- Well, at least if he loses the nomination, he can always go back to the privates, uh, private sector.  

Edwards Hits On 101-Year-Old Woman... Is Rejected!

It was revealed at John Edwards’ trial that even after he was under grand jury investigation for financial misdoing, Edwards hit up a 101-year-old donor for $3 million, but she turned him down. 

- I don’t blame her… she needs that money for her golden years! 

- Edwards also hit her up for sex… he wanted to sleep with someone he knew wouldn’t accuse him of getting her pregnant. 

Death Is The New Happy?

A new study finds that reminders of death can improve people’s lives. 

- Which explains why funeral directors always seem so darn happy! 

- So if you want to improve your quality of life, pack a picnic and head to your local cemetary. 

Go Ahead... Pull My Gigantic Finger!

Scientists have announced that dinosaurs may have produced so much methane gas that they actually caused global warming and eventually rendered themselves exstinct. 

- Al Gore immediately called for a ban on all dinosaurs by 2014.  

- So technically dinosaurs didn’t become extinct, they became “Ex-stinked”.

- The biggest offender was the “Flatulasaurus”.

- Steven Speilberg has already begun filming “Jur-Gas-ic Park”. 

Lilo Gets A Woody And A Buzz...

Lindsay Lohan was seen having dinner Woody Allen in NYC over the weekend. 

- Out of habit, he made her order off the kiddie menu.

- She told the waiter she didn’t need a beverage… she brought her own coke. 

- Woody Allen and Lindsay Lohan? Why he’s old enough to be her… husband!