Jessica Simpson gave birth to a 9lb. 13oz. baby girl yesterday and named her Maxwell.
- The kid’s teenage years are going to be tough… I can just hear every body saying, “Let’s head over to Maxi’s Pad!”
On this day in 1536 Henry VIII accused his wife Anne Boleyn of adultery and incest.
- True or not, one thing we know for sure… she had a good head on her shoulders!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The White House is reporting that according to reliable sources, Osama bin Laden wated to change the name of Al Qaeda.
He’d apparently narrowed down the list to the following:
- “Al Qaedarashian”
- “America’s Next Top Turban”
- “Two-And-A-Half Jihadists”
- “Really, Really MAD Men”
- “DWTSB” (Dancing With The Suicide Bombers”)
- “Kanye East”
P.S. He was going to go with “Charlie Sheen” but even Osama wasn’t that crazy!
Mitt Romney said that contrary to President Obama’s campaign ad, he would have given the go-head to kill Osama.
- His attack plan would have been the same as Obamas, but Romney would have had a dog cage strapped to the roof of the Blackhawk helicopter.
A new report says that one third of all U.S. workers don’t get enough sleep.
- The Obama campaign seized on the news touting the high unemployment rate as “our plan to get more Americans the sleep they need.”
- The two-thirds who do get enough sleep were mostly pilots who have a few, and fall asleep in the cockpit. (That is, the ones who don’t run up and down the aisle yelling “We’re going to crash!”)
The 2nd most popular App on iTunes right now is called the Ugly Meter. Basically, it judges how ugly you are.
- Michael Moore downloaded the App and his cell phone exploded.
- Lucky for me they didn’t have that App when I was a pimply faced teenager!
A San Francisco man is suing BMW, claiming that the seat on his 1993 BMW motorcycle caused a medical condition that’s given him a 20-month erection that won’t go away.
- Needless to say, sales of the motorcycle are on the rise.
- His wife now calls him “The Ultimate Driving Machine”.
A survey in Great Britain found that about 3% of respondents are so addicted to texting, cell phones and the Internet that they often go up to 48 hours without speaking to anyone in person.
- The number was actually a lot higher, but people were too busy updating their facebook status to respond.
On this day in 1941, General Mills introduced Cheerios.
- Which really gave little boys something to shoot for.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
In the wake of the Colombian hooker scandal, the Secret Service has been issued a news set of conduct rules. Among them: They must have chaperones on some of their trips.
- The first person to volunteer? Bill Clinton.
- The Chaperones will still let the Secret Service agents have sex with prostitutes, but they’ll have an 11pm curfew.
A new book by CNN’s Peter Bergen claims that Osama bin Laden considered himself to be a ladies’ man, but he had to drink a homemade Viagra-like potion to keep his four wives interested.
- Now we finally know how SEAL TEAM 6 located his secret hideout… satellite photos spotted Osama and one of his wives sitting in bathtubs out in the yard.
- When he took the potion, his wives referred to him as “The Underwear Bomber”.
President Obama’s current TV advertising campaign is touting the fact that he had Osama bin Laden killed and states that Mitt Romney wouldn’t have issued the order to kill him.
- We’ve checked, and Romney admits he would have given a much harder punishment: He would have put Osama in a cage, strapped him to the roof of his car and gone on a road trip.
While Metro-Detroit’s own Circuit Court Judge Wade McCree has apologized for a serious error in judgement for sending a picture of his naked torso to a court employee, the woman who received the pic (an unidentified baliff) says she doesn’t consider it sexual harrassment and thought it was a joke. BTW… McCree specializes in “Sexual Misconduct” cases.
- It’s weird… in most pictures of Judges they’re at least wearing a robe!
- I just hope this doesn’t give Judge Joe Brown any ideas.
Believe it or not, there is now an online dating site for dogs called MatchPuppy.com.
- Aren’t most online dating sites for dogs? Why else would people use pictures of OTHER PEOPLE on their profile page?
- One female dog’s profile reads, “Tail looking to Wag The Dog”.
- Most the of online doggie-daters are real schnauzers.
- Some support the site saying their dogs have found the applicants quite fetching.
Kim Kardashian was a guest at this past weekend’s White House Correspondents Dinner.
- Surprisingly, she wasn’t the butt of any jokes.
Newt Gingrich was expected to end his presidential campaign on Tuesday but has decided to postpone the announcement until Wednesday.
- This gives people one more day to change their minds and vote for Newt!
On this day in 1900 Hawaii was organized as a U.S. territory.
- Everybody celebrated by getting a lei.
Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Tuesday!
P.S. - Don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#40). My daughter Jessica (#5) joins Jackie and me for the first time! Look for it on the DickPurtan.com homepage!
-Dick
Well I’m finally back broadcasting from up North after dodging the not cold, not snowy, ridiculously mild March and April weather here in Michigan by going to Florida. Joining me at the old dining room table today… my “regular” fellow Podcasting daughter Jackie, along with a very special guest star… Dr. Phil! (Okay, it’s actually my daughter Jessica (#5) - but she is a psychologist and has much nicer hair and a thinner mustache). The girls and I touch on everything from exercise & eating habits to a new survey that allowed us to figure out how long we’re going to live. We also get a glimpse into the life of Jessica’s 8-year-old son Jack who, given recent events in Colombia, may well end up becoming a Secret Service Agent! Buckle your seat belts… it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Purtan Podcast #40 (37:03)
Sources say that Newt Gingrich will officially leave the presidential race next Tuesday, May 1st.
- Fellow Republicans are referring to it as “Super Tuesday”.
- I’m pretty sure at this point Newt is the only person who believes he’s still in the race.
- The move comes after Gingrich took a shellacking in the last 5 primaries, and his wife’s hair was shellacked at her favorite salon.
Former John Edwards’ aide, Andrew Young, testified that he was told that hiding Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, was “the most important job on the campaign”.
- The second most important job was keeping Edwards’ campaign bus stocked with AquaNet.