U.S. Supreme Court Justice Robbed Blind!

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was with his wife and friends at their vacation home in the West Indies last week when a man broke in and robbed them while wielding a machete.  Nobody was injured, but the crook got away with about $1200.  Breyer is part of the Court’s liberal wing. 

- … or he was until about a week ago. 

- This is why I’ve always believed there should be a 5-day waiting period when you buy a machete. 

- Breyer says he would not be able to identify the assailant in a line-up thus proving the adage, “Justice is Blind”. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, 7 mobsters were gunned down in a Chicago garage, most likely by Al Capone’s gang. It was dubbed the “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.”

- Capone was gonna off them earlier in the month, but he didn’t think the “Ground Hog’s Day Massacre” had as nice a ring to it.

Have a great day and don’t forget that I’ll be back behind the mic for the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon, a week from this Friday, February 24th from 6am to 10pm, live from the Oakland Mall.  And remember… this year the Radiothon will be carried on 760 WJR!

-Dick 

RIP...

Whitney Houston gone. 48 years old. Troubled life… but what a voice! Seven number one songs in the 1980’s - an unbroken record for any female recording artist in history. I still believe her rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” at the Superbowl was - and probably always will be - the best. 

The Grammy's: From The Sublime To The Ridiculous...

While the shadow of Whitney hung over last night’s 54th annual Grammy Awards, with Jennifer Hudson paying tribute with her rendition of Houston’s classic “I Will Always Love You”, the evening was also filled with some bizarre moments - the kind we’ve come to expect from Music’s biggest night.  The most talked about was Nikki Minaj’s weird performance of “Roman Holiday,” featuring a Pope lookalike, stained glass windows and other religious imagery, and Minaj strapped to a table and levitating as she underwent an exorcism.  

- It made Madonna’s performance at the Superbowl halftime show look like a scene from Mary Poppins. 

- Unlike Linda Blair in the Exorcist, Minaj didn’t throw up during the Exorcism routine… she did that at the after-party. 

- She got the Pontiff lookalike from “Popes R Us”. 

Heavens to Betty!

Betty White won a Grammy at age 90 for Best Spoken Word Album for her audio book of her memoir, “If You Ask Me.” But she’s not the oldest Grammy winner. Last year, the late Pinetop Perkins broke Georges Burn’s record by winning for best traditonal blues album at age 97. 

- “Pinetop Perkins”… that sounds like a pancake joint in Colorado. 

- So this officially makes Betty White a “Golden Girl”. 

- Betty says she’ll put the statuette on her mantle right next to the “World’s Greatest Grammy” coffee mug she got from her grandkids for Christmas. 

February 15th Is The New 14th!

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and the National Retail Federation estimates that the average consumer will spend $126 - up $10 from last year. It’s not surprising considering that sending a dozen red roses on the big day will set you back up to $125 dollars.  The Christian Science Monitor has offered a cost-saving solution: They suggest making February 15th your “personal Valentine’s Day” so you can get roses for a lot less.

- Of course you may have to pay for a cleaning service after your significant other hurls the vase at you.

- Call me romantic, but I’m going to do what I do every year: Take my wife thru the drive-thru at McDonalds and get her a “You-Make-Me-So-Happy Meal”. 

"The Phantom Of The Record Books"

Over the weekend, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical “Phantom of the Opera” rolled a giant cake on stage to mark a Broadway milestone: it’s the first Broadway musical to reach 10,000 performances. That’s over 2500 more than the nearest runner-up, Webber’s “Cats”.

- When “Cat’s” hit it’s milestone, they rolled a giant ball of yarn on stage.  

- After 10,000 performances, the actors are pretty bored. But they mask it well. 

- Spiderman the Musical also set a record this weekend… marking it’s 10,000th injury to a cast member.  

FYI… In celebration of the 25th Anniversary of “Phantom of the Opera”, there’s a new DVD available featuring a lavish stage production of the show done at London’s Royal Albert Hall. I got it as an early Valentine’s Day gift for my wife and it’s spectacular! You can get it at www.phantom25th.com or, just do what I did, go to Costco and buy it for 16 bucks! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1933, 79 years ago, in the newspaper comics, Dagwood Bumstead married Blondie Boopadoop. 

- She was given away by her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Bob and Beatrice Boopadoop. 

Have a great day and don’t forget that the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up one week from this Friday, February 24th! As you probably know, this event is THE fundraiser for a program that feeds more than 5000 people a day right here in Metro Detroit. I’ll be back behind the mic during the broadcast from 6am to 10pm live at the Oakland Mall. But tie a string around your finger to help you remember that this year, the Radiothon will be heard on 760 WJR! Tell your friends, post it on Facebook, anything you can do to let people know where to tune in would be greatly appreciated.  The program is vital… and the need is greater than ever before.  Thanks so much and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #29: JFK's Newly Revealed 19-Year-Old-Girlfriend... And A Girl He Had His Eye On That Hits Much Closer To My Home!

It’s the weekend… and that means it’s time for Purtan Podcast #29! 

 

Today we gather around the old dining room table and discuss the new revelation about the 19-year-old girl who just came clean about her 18-month affair with JFK when she was a White House Intern (And to think Bill Clinton thought he came up with that idea!). I’ll also  share a personal story about an encounter I had with Kennedy and his rather overt attention to my wife!  Plus we explain how we could have won World War II in much less time using something you may have in your kitchen cupboard right now.  

Hope you enjoy the Podcast… see you back here Monday as we begin the countdown to the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon, coming up on Friday, February 24th, from 6am to 10pm live from the Oakland Mall. I’ll be be back behind the mic co-hosting the broadcast - only this year it’s on 760 WJR! This is the fundraiser that allows the Salvation Army to feed 5000 people locally every day - 365 days a year! Please tell your friends about the Radiothon’s new radio home and that you can even donate now by calling 248-528-0760 or @ WJR.com! 

Thanks in advance for your continued support!

Purtan Podcast #29

Trouble For "The Brady Bundch-en"...

QB back Tom Brady is allegedly livid… not because he and the New England Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the NY Giants last weekend, but because of his wife’s comments about his teammates.  As has been widely reported, after the last-minute loss last Sunday, Giselle Bundchen a.k.a. “Mrs. Brady” went ballistic, telling reporters, “My husband can’t throw and catch the “F —- ing” ball at the same time”. Now reports say that Tom is furious with his wife and has told her to “zip it” and “keep her feelings to herself”. 

- They’re hasn’t been this much discord in the Brady household since Greg accidentally broke Marcia’s nose with that football!  

- Giselle was reportedly so upset she ran out of the room.  Actually she just strutted down the hall in a perfectly straight line, paused for a moment, then turned and walked right back. 

- Something tells me that for a while, Giselle will consider any passes Tom makes at her out of bounds.  

Don't Glitt The Mitt!

University of Colorado student Peter Smith is facing 3 misdemeanor charges and could served up to 6 months in jail for glitter-bombing Mitt Romney. This is usually something gay rights activists do to same-sex marriage opponents, but Smith said he threw glitter on Mitt during a public appearance because he disagrees with his “general political philosophy.”

- Romney wouldn’t have pressed charges but the glitter stuck to his hairspray and it took three washings to get it out. 

- In a related story, Tom Brady reportedly glitter-bombed Giselle Bundchen.  

Even Moby Dick Felt Lawsuit Was Ridiculous...

A judge in San Diego has thrown out a suit against Sea World by PETA on behalf of five whales.  As I told you here yesterday, PETA lawyers had claimed that the whales were “enslaved” and should be protected by the U.S. Constitution. But the Judge tossed the case saying he doesn’t believe whales and other species were what the Founding Fathers had in mind. 

- No ifs, ands Or-ca butts! 

- If so, we would all be entitled to “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of fish chum.” 

Brad And Angelina's Marriage Plans In The Pitts?

You might want to hold off on that wedding gift for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Rumors have been flying that the long-time lovers and parents of seven children were set to marry, but it seems they’ve hit a snag. Insiders say that during “pre-marital” counciling Angelina admitted that she’d continued sleeping with other men after making an “emotional commitment” to Brad. Although they were not sexually involved, and Brad was married to Jennifer Aniston at the time, he supposedly still considers it “cheating” and stormed out of the session. 

- If I’m not mistaken, Jennifer Aniston considered what Brad did “cheating” as well. 

- Boy, if a married guy can’t count on his mistress not to sleep with other people… 

Nuns Confess They're Nun Too Happy About Strip Club...

An order of Catholic nuns in Illinois are up in arms over plans to build a strip club called “Get It” next to their convent. They say it’s not only counter to what they’re trying to teach children, but they have girls their trying to welcome into missionary life, and they’ll “have that right next door”. 

- In an effort to appease the nuns, men in the neighborhood said they’ll visit the club, but will try not to make it a habit. 

But Wait... There's More!!!

A blogger known as “Furious Pete” released a video that’s racked up 4.5 million YouTube hits, exposing the secrets of infomercial makeovers. He starts by hitting the gym to pump up his muscles, then uses a tanning bed, sets up really good photo lighting, sprays himself with cooking oil and takes a digital pic that he photoshops to look perfect. That’s the “after” photo. Then he washes off the oil, takes a nap, chows down Beefaroni, pop, chips and chocolate milk to look boated, and then takes the “Before” photo. The whole process takes just five hours. 

- Proving the long-suspected rumor that the majority of the budget for “Baywatch” wasn’t spent on Pam Anderson… it was spent on cans of “Pam”. 

- Another name for the “After Shot” is “Your Facebook Profile Picture”. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1964, the Beatles made their American TV debut on “the Ed Sullivan Show” and were seen by a record 73.7 million people. They were paid $2,400.  

- Which, in today’s economy, translates to roughly $723 bucks.  

NOTE: Don’t forget the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up two weeks from tomorrow - Friday, February 24th, from 6am to 10pm. I’ll be back behind the mic broadcasting live from the Oakland Mall - only this year it will be heard on 760 WJR. This is the single-biggest fundraiser for a vital program that feeds 5000 people a day, 365 days a year!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with my latest Podcast tomorrow!

-Dick  

The Vest Bests Romney In Three States!

Last night, Rick Santorum trounced Mitt Romney in the GOP primary votes in Minnesota and Missouri, and narrowly beat him in Colorado.  In Minnesota, Romney even came in 3rd behind Ron Paul.  

- Just a reminder… Minnesota is the same state that elected Jesse Ventura Governor. 

- I would have thought the Colorado would have gone for Ron Paul considering he supports legalizing getting “Rocky Mountain High”. 

- Santorum credited his big wins to “representing the values of real Americans and also wearing his lucky sweater vest for a week straight!”

Humphries Plans To Televise Cracks In Kardashian's Claims She Married For Love!

Jilted NBA player Kris Humpries wants to turn his divorce trial from Kim Karsashian into a reality TV show. He wants viewers to be able to watch live as his attorney builds a case for annulment by showing that Kim used the marriage for TV ratings and had no intention of being a real wife. Celeb attorney Raoul Felder called it a “brilliant” legal move, saying if she’s found guilty of defrauding Kris, Kim could face lawsuits from all the vendors who gave her free stuff for the wedding. 

- No matter how it turns out, Kim’s going to continue to be the butt of a lot of jokes. 

- This also marks the first time in history an NBA player has been credited with having a thought that was “brilliant”. 

- Think of all the money they’ll make from divorce attorneys buying Ads during the TV trial! 

PETA Blubbering Over Treatment Of Whales...

PETA is in court suing Sea World on behalf of five killer whales at the San Diego Park. They claim that the whales deserve the same constitutional protection from slavery as humans, and they’re slaves because they are forced to live in tanks and perform daily. The attorney for Sea World said the founders did not include killer whales in “we the people” when the Constitution was adopted.  

- Of course back then, they didn’t realize that “We the People” would end up looking like Whales after a lifetime of eating Quarter Pounders with Cheese and Fries. 

- Some whales are semi human… Take Michael Moore for instance. 

- PETA is also lobbying to have a red ball balanced on the nose of the official Presidential Seal. 

- The whales live in tanks and perform daily… just like the female wrestlers used to do at the old “Zoo Lounge” on Eight Mile. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Actually we filmed a segment there for my Comedy Special on Channel 4 back in the 80’s.

Lesbians Most Likely To Divorce: But Who Pays Who Gal-imony?

A new study shows that the most likely of all marriages to fail: two lesbians.  Experts say that makes sense, since woman initiate most straight couple divorces.  

- The most common complaint from lesbians seeking to end their marriage: “I’ve had it with the old no-balls and chain”.