Mitt Neuters Newt In Florida...

Yesterday, Mitt Romney won nearly half the votes in the Florida GOP Primary, more than New Gingrich and Rick Santorum combined. The Mitt-en came in first in almost all demographics, including seniors, Latinos and even Tea Party conservatives, who think he’s got the best chance of beating Obama.  Newt’s checkered romantic past seems to have bitten him in the butt: While men viewed him favorably by a 2-1 margin, while women split 50-50. 

- Newt’s used to spliting everything he has 50/50 with his ex-wives. 

- Newt’s attempt to get the Cuban vote didn’t work. Apparently campaigning up and down the coastline on a Chevrolet raft just didn’t go over. 

- Romney got the Jewish vote by promising “A Kosher Chicken In Every Pot”. 

- The thing that really killed Newt was that billboard of him in a Speedo! 

Must NOT See TV!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejhad is launching a new satellite TV channel designed to deal a blow to “dominance seekers” including the U.S. “Hispan TV”, the new Spanish language channel will broadcast to South America and Cuba. It will run 24 hours a day and feature news, documentaries, movies and Iranian films. 

- Ahmadinejhad is just like Simon Cowell… only nicer. 

- Wait ‘til you see “Pimp My Burka”! 

- They’re going to have “Iranian Idol” except instead of getting kicked off, the singer with the least votes will be beheaded.  

- Mahmood himself will star with his family in “Keeping Up with The Ahmadinejhads”. 

They Can Carry A Tune... But Can They Carry The Swing States?

Both President Obama and Mitt Romney have added a little music to their bag of campaign tricks. This week, Mitt serenaded a group of Seniors at “The Villages” community in Florida with his rendition of “America the Beautiful”. His performance came on the heels of President Obama’s crooning Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” at a fundraiser earlier this month.  Michele Obama told Jay Leno last night that the he sings to her all the time. 

- Bill Clinton used the old “song and dance” routine on Hillary all the time, too.  Actually, it was mostly tap-dancing. 

- Newt Gingrich hasn’t busted out in song yet, but if he does, my money’s on “Fly Me To The Moon”. 

Trump Attempts To Trump Death

Donald Trump may not be looking forward to death… but he is preparing for it. Trump wants to set up a cemetary near the fifth fairway of Trump National Golf Course in New Jersey.  His consultant says it would be “very understated, not garish” unlike the marble wedding chapel Trump proposed for the first tee back in 2007.  That was slated to be 19’ high, have the word “TRUMP” carved on top, and be turned into a masoleum after he died. 

- Instead of “TRUMP”, shouldn’t the carving have read “Hair Today… Gone Tomorrow”? 

- Trump will be buried between two of his favorite women, Ivana on one side and Big Bertha on the other.  

When You Follow The Yellow Brick Road You'd Better Take Your Pooper-Scooper!

Kansas state Represetative Ed Trimmer has introduced a bill to make the Cairn Terrier the official state dog. That’s the type of dog that played Toto in “The Wizard of Oz”. 

- Actually Michigan already has a state dog. He goes by the name “Kwame Kilpatrick”.

- Opponents are afraid the dog would take a “wiz” on the Kansas State Constitution. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1840, the first American dental college was incorporated in Baltimore. 

- Before that, finding someone to fill your cavity was like pulling teeth! 

RIP  Don Cornellius… Host of “Soul Train” of an apparent suicide at 75. 

NOTE: 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed and Bread Club Radiothon, hosted by yours truly and the guys from 760 WJR, is coming up on Friday, Feb. 24th - live from the Oakland Mall! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

- Dick 

Thousands Of Elderly Floridians Rush To Polls Very Slowly...

Today’s the big day in Florida as voters head to the polls for the GOP primary. Most polls show Mitt Romney with a comfortable lead, although New Gingrich says he has a chance at another upset. By the way… about 600,000 ballots were cast early - before the polls even opened. 

- In Florida, that’s known as the “Early Bird Vote”. 

- Even if they complete their ballots accurately, you know there are going to be plenty of “hanging chads” in those voting booths. 

Ron Paul's Campaign Goin' To The Dogg...

Don’t count Ron Paul out just yet… he picked up a major endorsement yesterday.  Yes, Rapper Snoop Dogg is backing Paul because he likes his plan to legalize marijuana.  

- Lil Bow Wow said that if he was old enough to vote he’d go for Ron Paul too. 

- Newt Gingrich is hoping to get support from Moon Unit Zappa. 

Paula Abdul Gets Xed Out Of "Factor"!

E! News reports that the Fox network has told Paula Abdul that she won’t be returning to “X Factor” next season, and that only judges Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid are staying.  A source said, “Simon wants to take the show in a different direction,” and “the plan is to part ways amicably”. 

- Taking the business “in a new direction” is today’s terminology for “We’re kicking your butt out the door”.  

- He actually fired her a week ago, but she’d been drinking and just keeps showing up for rehearsals.

- In keeping with the spirit of the show, shouldn’t they let people call to vote her in or off?  

Just When You Thought San Francisco Couldn't Get Any Weirder...

San Francisco Airport unveiled what they say is the first airport yoga room in the world.  Travelers can use the room with its low lights and soft blue walls, to medidate and do yoga breathing and stretching excercises before or after a stressful flight.  

- Or right before, or after, a TSA invasive full-body pat-down.

- So now you can spend your time meditating while your pilot is in the bar next door getting hammered. 

- Airports already have a place where you can twist your body into all kinds of weird yoga positions… It’s called the “Coach Class” on the airplanes.  

- In a related story… Carnival Cruise lines is offering free swimming lessons to all passengers who are about to board one of their ships. 

Beyonce: A "Class" Act?

Rutgers University is offering students a diploma credit course  in the social and cultural significance of… yes… Beyonce. Students will explore the singers alter ego, Sasha Fierce, and debate how much control she has over her own image among other things.  Gerogetown University already offers a sociology course about her husband, Jay-Z. 

- And the students who took that course said it’s “a real Bitch!” 

- And to think my mother complained when I took “Basket Weaving 101”. 

- They’re also offering a “Kourse in the Kardashians”… but so far, enrollment in that one is really lagging behind.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1928, the 3M company introduced Scotch Tape.

- They’ve been on a roll ever since.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Scientists Warming Up To Idea Of Global Cooling?

You may want to lay off the sunscreen and grab an extra pair of mittens.  A major report based on over 30,000 measuring temperature stations worldwide indicates that “Global Warming” actually ended in 1997 - fifteen years ago.  Some scientists claim that due to a decrease in sunspot activity, we could be heading into another mini-ice age similiar to the one in the 17th century when London’s Thames River froze over.  

- Of course Al Gore won’t believe it until Hell Freezes Over… literally.  

- Luckily, I’ve already put a deposit down on a new house in the first “Newt Gingrich Moon Colony”. 

- I don’t like being cold, but if this will keep French men from wearing Speedos, I’m all for it.  

"Tag... You're in Deep - - it!"

Some parents in California complained that their six-year-old son was accused of sexual assault by officials at Lupine Hills Elementary School because he allegedly brushed his best friend’s leg or groin while playing tag during recess.  He was held in the principals office for two hours before he “confessed”, was then suspended and a sexual bettery charge was put on his permanent record.  But it was removed after his parents hired a lawyer who pointed out that a six-year-old can’t be charged with sexual assault in California.  

- The Principal also accused several kindergarteners on the playground of being “Swingers”.

- They’ve also banned “Hopscotch” because they believe it will lead to alcohol abuse.

Are You Ready To Miss A Funeral For Some Football?!

According to a Harris Poll of over 2600 US adults, football is now by far the most popular sport in America, and with 37% of the vote, the Super Bowl is the best major sporting event.  21% of those surveyed said they’d miss an important work responsibility to watch the Super Bowl, 21% would skip a close friends wedding, 19% would miss the funeral of a loved one and 15% said they would miss the birth of their own child to watch the big game. 

- Of course those were all women who said they’d even watch re-runs of “Hee Haw” if it got them out of going through labor. 

- My question is this… What kind of “close friend” would schedule their wedding for Super Bowl Sunday???

Ironically, 33% of respondents said they’ll watch the game primarily to see all the new commercials. 

- 19% of US citizens would skip their Grandma’s funeral to see what that crazy Geiko pig is up to.  (including Grandpa). 

- Why not combine the two… put a big screen tv behind the casket and serve your special “Six Feet-Under-Seven-Layer-Bean-Dip”! 

Oh Baby!

A year ago, an Iowa woman gave birth to a 12 pound baby boy.  This weekend, she gave birth to her second son… this one weighing in at 13 pounds.  Both were delivered naturally, the most recent one in just six hours, and she didn’t have an epidural for either delivery.  

- Lucky she didn’t wait ‘til Super Bowl Day… it would have been a 14 pounder by then! 

NEWSFLASH: Boobs, Sex, & "Natural Gas" Funny 3500 Years Ago

Scholars from the University of Leipzig and Hebrew University of Jerusalem have translated a tablet carved in ancient Mesopotamia around the time of Exodus in an area in present-day Iraq. It shows what everyday people were thinking and talking about 3,500 years ago. It’s a series of crude jokes and riddles about beer, politicians, deflowering virgins and something about sex with “your mother”, although parts of that punchline are missing.

- The tablet was actually a page from the worlds oldest sit-com… “Two And A Half Cavemen”.

- One of the jokes started out, “How many blonds does it take to change a piece of wood with a flame on the end of it?”

- Of course there were no knock-knock jokes because doors hadn’t been invented yet. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1969, the Beatles performed together for the last time, playing on the roof of Apple Records in London for the film, “Let It Be.” Cops stopped them after they got complaints about the noise.  

- And yet the NFL and stadium police had no problem letting Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #27: A Bunch About Brady... Not Marcia, Tom!

Welcome to a snowy Friday! Why not put on your Snuggi (hey, it’s Casual Friday!) and listen to my latest Podcast? Today we welcome back Tom DeLisle, a former writer/performer on my radio show back in the 60’s, 70’, and 80’s.  He also spent a lot of time in Hollywood writing monologues for the Tonight Show and other TV sit-coms.  

Tom took a seat at my dining room table for a discussion including France’s announced plans to build “Napoleanland” (it’s the perfect vacation-destination for familes who enjoy sharing a good guillotining!) Also… we reveal our favorites to win the Superbowl and share a fascinating story about former UofMer and New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady that you may not have heard.   

Plus an update on my newest Grandson Brayden Alexander Johnson! His aunt (my daughter Jennifer) swears that he has my father’s ears. I don’t see it, but take a look at the pictures below and decide for yourself!

All that and a whole bunch of other stuff, that to be honest, I can’t remember! 

Enjoy! 

Purtan Podcast #27 (41:41)

-Dick 

Izzy Happy? You Bet!!!

Congrats to MSU’s Tom Izzo - “The Wizard of Iz” - on his 400th Win!