Newt Wants To Go To The Moon; Thought Of Idea While Eating "Moon Pie"!

Newt Gingrich has big plans if he becomes Prez! Among them… he wants to establish “Moon Colonies” by 2020. He made the announcement to a group of space agency employees at NASA a couple days ago. 

- I vote for the very first resident to be… Newt Gingrich! 

- Ron Paul said, big deal! I’ve had a time-share on Mars for years! 

Meanwhile, while Newt’s co-front runner Mitt Romney has huge amounts of cash to spend, the other GOP contenders are trying to raise money by selling items on their websites. Rick Santorum is selling sweater vests for $100. But wait! There’s more! Two 12” inch plastic Ron Paul Action Figures are available. The “Commander in Chief” model comes in an oversized business suit holding a copy of the Constitution. And the Superhero model is Ron Paul in a Superman-style spandex costume. A rep says that one isn’t selling so well.  

- I still have my collection of Bill Clinton action figures… including the “Commander-In-Briefs” model. 

- Instead of an action figure, Newt is selling the “Gingrich Bobble-Belly.” 

- The Mitt Romney action figure is actually Mitt’s head on a big pile of money. 

Nostril-Damus Predicted This!

The Detroit Medical Center recommends treating nosebleeds with… wait for it… Pork Tampons.  That’s right. Researchers say there was a long tradition of using cured pork to stop bleeding, but it fell into disfavor over fears of bacteria and parasites.  But they say they recently treated a girl with rare, life-threatening bleeding, by packing her nasal vaults with “cured salted pork crafted as a nasal tampon.” They say it stopped the nasal hemorrhage promptly, effectively and without recurrence.

- And now the girl can swim and go horseback riding too!

- Pork: The Other Tampon. 

- Actor Karl Malden used to use this method to stop nosebleeds. Of course he had to shove a whole Pork Tenderloin up each nostril…

Mapmaker Suffers Emotional Meltdown...

Remember when we were told that 115,830 square miles of ice covering Greenland (an area the size the the UK and Ireland combined) was melting because of Global Warming? Fahgedabout it! The Scotland-based Times Comprehensive Atlas of the World, called the most authoritative atlas on Earth, now admits that the map it made was wrong. Turns out the dramatic meltdown they drew, didn’t match satellite photos. The Atlas is now offering replacement maps showing Greenland with all it’s ice back. 

- This is why I always get my maps from Triple A! 

- Now the only thing melting is Al Gore. 

- The term “Global Warming” has now been changed to “Bad Map Making”. 

Project Runway's Tim Gunn Shoots Mouth Off...

“Project Runway” star and fashion expert Tim Gunn revealed that after an “intense” relationship with his former partner broke up, he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. No worries, though.  Tim says he’s fine with that.

- After 29 years of celebacy, he will now go by the name “Loaded Gun”. 

- There’s gotta be somebody out there willing to give him a hand! 

Paris Jackson: Boys "Thrill-Her"!

Michael Jackson’s 13-year old daughter reportedly has quite the case of puppy love. She’s suffering from a serious crush on an unidentified guy, she’s even begun writing poetry including lines like, “My love burns for you like a dying phoenix”. Who is she turning to for advice on matters of the heart?  Her Aunt, Janet Jackson.  

- Which means Paris will be the first 13-year-old in history to have a major wardrobe malfunction. 

- I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… Just like her Dad, Paris likes young boys! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1875, George F. Green patented the electric dental drill. 

- Which rendered the Phillips screw driver virtually obsolete in the dental industry. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brank spankin’ new Podcast! 

-Dick

"The State Of The Snoozin'?"

Last night, President Obama delivered his third “State of the Union” Address… and as expected, reaction was mixed.

- I’m not talking about the speech, I’m talking about Nancy Pelosi’s new hair-do.

- Unlike the speech, her “doo”was short. 

- When I got bored with the speech, I’d just look back at Joe Biden to see if he was still awake!  

Kardashian Krisis: Who's Your Daddy?

Rumors continue to fly that Khloe, the most “statuesque” of the three Kardashian sisters is not the biological daughter of now deceased O.J. defense attorney Robert Kardashian.  Although the family vehemently denies it, some tabloids are now saying Khloe’s “DNA Daddy” is none other than her mom, Kris Jenner’s, hairdresser, Alex Roldan. The two do bear some physical resemblance. BTW… it’s also been rumored that O.J. actually fathered Khloe. 

- Which is obviously not true since her mother is still alive! 

- O.J. immediately filed an appeal to be released from prison so he can spend the rest of his life hunting down Khloe’s REAL biological father (or fathers). 

- “The Juice” is rumored to be writing a book about his relationship with Khloe’s mom called, “If I Did Her”.

- You can’t say this about many people, but I’m betting Robert Karsashian is sort of happy he’s dead.  

Demi Nearly Overdoses After Withdrawal From Ashton!

Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital the other night for what is rumored to be “substance abuse”.  The EMS was called to her home and they decided she needed to be admitted.  Moore’s rep says the stress of the break up of her seven year marriage to Ashton Kutcher has left Demi “exhausted” and she is simply seeking professional help to get healthy.

- Although they are estranged, Ashton Kutcher rushed to the hospital but wasn’t allowed in because of the “No Kids” policy.

 - Ashton let all of his followers know that Demi was “undergoing tweetment” - uh - “treatment”. 

Note To Men: Write Her A Note!

If you don’t know what to give your significant other for Valentine’s Day, a Harris Poll has some suggestions. 57% of respondents said they hope to get dinner out at a nice restaurant, 38% are looking forward to a romantic home-cooked meal, and 44% said they hope to receive a handwritten note from their partner.  

- NOTE TO MEN: Your sweetheart will not be happy with a handwritten note asking her to make you a home-cooked meal. 

- George Clooney has sent so many handwritten notes to his girlfriends, he ended up with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 

"Hi-Ho! Hi-Ho! A Beard At Work We'll Grow!"

For decades, Disney has famously banned park employees from having beards. But it’s finally ending it’s war on facial hair. Starting February 3rd, Disneyland employees will be able to grow beards.  They began allowing mustaches back in 2000.

- And the chick who plays Cinderella was thrilled! No more waxing! 

- Disneyland is a magical place! Now the employees can do something that even Justin Bieber can’t do.

 -In honor of the move, they’re going to add an eighth dwarf: Harry.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, the first Emmy Awards were presented. The Most Outstanding TV Personality was Shirley Disdale and her puppet “Judy Splinters”. 

- The two were eventually forced to split up because the public thought they were “just a little bit too gay”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Baby Talk!

Thanks so much for the heartfelt response we got to the announcement of the birth of Brayden Alexander Johnson - our 8th Grandchild!  His Mom, (my daughter Julie) and her husband Brad were really touched and appreciative of all the kind words and good wishes!  As for Brayden… he was so happy he wet his pants! 

Thank you again… I’ll keep you posted on his progress! 

-Dick 

Obama To Avoid Actual "State Of The Union"...

Tonight the Prez will deliver his 3rd State of the Union Address. With a new Gallup poll showing that since he took office the number of Americans who are satisfied with the economy has dropped from 36% to just 13%, he’s been advised by his former chief of staff Rahm Emanuel not to dwell on his first term, just refer to the problems he “inherited” and talk about “tomorrow”.  

- He’s going to refer to this as his “Starter-Term”.  

- Nancy Pelosi said, “I don’t care if he reads out of the phone book. I LOVE HIM!” 

- Barney Frank said, “I don’t care if he reads out the phone book. I LOVE HIM!” 

Keeping You In The Loop...

The Oscar nominations were announced live from La-La Land this morning.  Movies up for Best Picture are: “The Artist”, “The Descendants”, “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”, “The Help”, “Hugo” (which received ELEVEN Academy Awards nominations!), “Midnight in Paris”, “Moneyball”, “The Tree Of Life” and “War Horse”. 

State of Aretha's Union Not So Good...

Just weeks after announcing that she would wed her longtime friend, Aretha Franklin and William “Willie” Wilkerson have nixed the nuptuals. The couple released a statement saying that they hadn’t taken the time to really think things through and were “moving too fast”. 

- Aretha turns 70 in March.  If she “moves too fast” she’ll end up breaking a hip. 

- Damn! I was soooooo looking forward to seeing what hat she’d wear to the ceremony! 

- So basically, Aretha decided to to exit the “Freeway of Love” and head for a reststop.  

At A Loss For Words? Make One Up!

Last night the remaining Republicans candidates held their 18th debate. The only thing new to come out of it was the phrase “self-deportation”. Mitt Romney said he would not deport illegal aliens, but by enforcing tougher laws on employers the jobs for them would dry up and they would “self-deport” themselves home.  

- He immediately got an influx of cash donations from “Star Trek” fans across the country.  

- Now if we could only come up with a way to get criminals to “self-incarcerate” themselves! 

- Newt Gingrich immediately announced a plan to “self-elect” himself.  

He Was Quite "Fetching" Right Up Until He Died...

A toy poodle named “Uncle Chichi” was euthanized yesterday in New York after a long illness. He’s believed to have been the world’s oldest dog. There’s no official birth record for him, but he was thought to be 1 to 2 years old when his owners got him from a shelter 24 years ago.  In human terms, that would make him about 175. 

- But he didn’t look a day over 160! 

- His family said, “Uncle Chichi went peacefully. He just rolled over and went dead”.  

- Chichi’s eulogy will be deliverd by Clifford The Big Red Dog. 

- He will be buried in a hole he dug himself just hours before he passed away.  

Save The Date!

A month from today, February 24th, is the date for the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon! In honor of this special anniversary, I’ll be back behind the microphone, only this time it will be broadcast from 6 in the morning ‘til 10 at night on 760 WJR.  I’ll be joining the WJR hosts throughout the day and evening to help raise funds for this vital program that feeds over 5000 people a day and shelters over 500 people a night. Stay tuned for details… and tune-in for the big broadcast! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

I Visit Hospital... End Up With New Johnson!!!

This weekend my formidably sized family got even bigger as my daughter Julie (#6) and her husband Brad welcomed their new baby boy to the world! Weighing in at a respectable 7lbs. 5 oz. Brayden Alexander Johnson made his debut - via C-Section - at 1:56 Saturday afternoon! 10 fingers! 10 toes! And dozens of family members on hand for the big event.  Julie had planned to have a natural birth… but when push didn’t come to shove, the Doctors decided a C-Section was the safest way to go and less than an hour later - Gail and I were the proud grandparents of our 8th grandchild! So proud!!!!!So, after having 6 girls of our own and a total of zero boys, the tally of our kid’s kids now stands at 2 girls (Julia & Lauren) and 6 - Yes, 6 - boys! (Matthew, Preston, Charlie, Adam, Jack and Brayden).  

As they say, Mom and Baby are both doing great! As for my son-in-law and brand new-dad, Brad, he’s proud, happy and has that slightly dazed look about him I remember so well.  It’s the “Oh-My-God-That-Little-Person-Belongs- To-Me-And-My-Wife-And-Now-We’re-Responsible-For-It-And-I-Have-No-Idea-What-I’m-Doing-Can-We-Please-Stay-Here-In-The-Hospital-For-A-Couple-Days-Or-Better-Yet-Months-Or-Maybe-Just-Until-He-Goes-To-College-So-The-Nurses-Can-Help-Take-Care-Of-Him-Because-I-Have-To-Go-Back-To-Work-So-I-Can-Support-This-Little-Guy-For-The-Next-Eighteen-Years-Or-Maybe-More-What-If-He-Ends-Up-Living-In-My-Basement-Until-He’s-35?” look.  If you’ve ever been a father, I think you know the look. And if you’ve ever been a new Mom, I’m sure you’ve seen that face staring back at you.

Father & Son

From Left: Me, Baby Brayden, Gail, Jill, Jessica, JoAnne, then Jackie and proud new mom Julie!

It doesn’t get any better than this…

Someday, Brayden will be asking Matt and Julia - his two oldest cousins - to buy beer for him!

For now… he’s happy with Formula!

Grandma kisses #8!