Purtan Podcast #26: Star Gazing... Part II

Like you… I woke up to single digits this morning.  Which, ironically, is what Newt Gingrich was flashing his ex-wife after her interview last night claiming he wanted an “open marriage”! 

But more importantly… It’s Podcast Friday.  Today, we bring you Part II of our visit with Tom DeLisle - a longtime friend who worked on and wrote character bits (including “The Whoa Boys”) for my show back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.  He’s a fascinating guy who has always referred to himself as a “Bystander to the Stars”.  He spent many years in Hollywood (in fact he wrote 24 monologues for the “Tonight Show”). He “rubbed elbows” with many of the rich and famous - from movie stars to politicians to sports legends - and today shares some of his priceless stories with us! 

Stay warm… and enjoy!  

Purtan Podcast #26: Star Gazing… Part II  (35:20)

-Dick 

Thanks For The Memory...

This just in… Rick Perry has announced that he will drop out of the GOP race and endorse Newt Gingrich. 

- Wait… I didn’t know Rick was still running!

- As is his custom, Perry said he had three reasons for dropping out, but could only remember the first two. 

Former Mrs. Gingrich Set To "Newt-er" Ex-Husband...

Fasten your seatbelts… it’s going to be a bumpy night! This evening, ABC’s Nightline will air what they call a “bombshell” interview with one of Newt Gingrich’s bitter ex-wives, Marianne, who will reportedly say all kinds of nasty things about him. It was supposed to run Friday, but the network moved it up a day to give it some distance from the South Carolina Primary on Saturday. 

- Because nobody’s gonna remember if they see it TWO days before the vote! 

- Mitt Romney saw an advanced copy and said, “c’mon… even I don’t think he’s THAT bad!” 

- The interview is going to have more venom in it than an episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”.  

- So Newt may not get his ex-wife’s vote… but he’s got Rick Perry’s support locked up! 

Rick Santorum Has More Hanging Chads Than Mitt Romney!

Mitt Romney has been officially moved from the “win” to the “statistical tie” column in Iowa.  After weeks of recounting, it turns out that so-called second place finisher Rick Santorum actually received 34 MORE votes than Mitt - who we’d been told had won by eight votes. But officials now say that due to balloting errors across the state, we will never know who actually won. 

- They didn’t know about the 30-some votes for Santorum until they found an envelope full of ballots from the “Sweater Vest Society of Iowa”. 

NEWSFLASH: Mark Wahlberg An Official Idiot!

Tough-guy actor Mark Wahlberg apologized for offending the families of victims of the 9/11 attacks for an interview he’d given rececently.  In it, he said that if he’d been on Flight 92 - one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center - things would have gone differently.  He said, “there would have been a lot of blood in the first class cabin and I would have said, okay, we’re going to land this plane somewhere safely”.

- Somebody’s been watching a few too many of his own movies… 

More importantly, (at least to him), Wahlberg went on to say in the article that he’s no longer a big fan of masturbation. (TRUE!) 

- If saying you could have personally stopped one of the 9/11 attacks isn’t “giving yourself a hand” I don’t know what is.  

- Three words:  TMI.  

Dark-i-pedia...

Yesterday, Wikipedia and a number of other websites went black to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act. But Twitter users helped out Wikipedia junkies by tweeting random “facts”.  They included: “The Plate was invented by Plato” and that “‘Star Wars’ is based on the lesser-known Shakespearean work, ‘Thy Force Be Stronge’”.  By the way… the Piracy Act now appears dead in Congress. 

- And to think I thought “Star Wars” was based on the Bard’s gay themed play, “Romeo & Hans Solo”. 

Woman Tries To Improve Bottom Line By Putting Line On Bottom!

Tina Beznec of New Zealand is auctioning off her booty to the highest bidder. She already has a number of tattoos, so she’s decided to make extra cash by selling advertising space on her butt. Her online auction site has already gotten 177,000 hits and bids of nearly 8 grand (US). She says she’ll donate some proceeds to charity and says, “I’m trusting the winner will not do anything too stupid.” 

- Like say, sell advertising space on their butt.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1915, George Claude received a patent for the neon advertising sign.  

- The first sign read, “OPEN”. The flashing light caused irate neighbors to put up their own neon signs reading, “Closed!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with a special Podcast Friday! 

-Dick

A (Purtan) Family Affair!

Last Friday night, my wife Gail and I were honored by the Children’s Hospital of Michigan Foundation at a gala at the MGM Grand Hotel. The event took place after the Auto Show Black Tie Charity Preview. All six of our daughters were there, from left to right, Jessica, Jennifer, JoAnne, Myself, Gail, A Very Pregnant Julie!, Jill and Jackie! 

 

Romney: 37% In Polls... 15% In Taxes

Mitt Romney, under pressure to release his income tax records, said he’d probably to it in April, by which time he may already have the nomination. One hint why he might be reluctant: he’s a multi-millionaire, but says most of his money comes from low-tax-investment income. He admitted he pays about 15 percent.  

- Of course that’s if he files his taxes on his lunch hour.  If it’s at dinnertime, he always pays 20%. 

- No wonder he not invited to Warren Buffet’s “Millionaires Who Want To Pay More Than Our Fair Share” Spring Dance!

- Since Newt has criticized Mitt because he can “speak French”, Romney said he’ll release his tax info this “April, in Paris, With Chesnuts In Blossom… And Holiday Tables Under the Trees…”

Porn Industry Furious Over Government "Cover Up"!

In a big defeat for the porn industry, the L.A. City Council voted 9-1 last night to require porn actors shooting “films” in Los Angeles to wear condoms to prevent the spread of HIV. A health advocate called it “a great day for porn actors”, but producers say viewers don’t want to see porn stars wearing condoms, and said it was “government overreach” to regulate the sexual behavior of consenting adults.   

- Porn star Ron Jeremy said he was “deflated” when he heard the news, and by the way, so were the girls!  

- To show his support for the L.A. porn industry, Charlie Sheen is bringing back his “Violent TORPEDO of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option” Tour!

- Bill Clinton has vowed to take a “close look” at the situation.  

You Can Take The Boy Out Of The Hood... But You Can't Take The Hood Out Of The Boy!

E! News quotes a source close to Jay-Z as saying the poem published under his name in which the rapper vowed not to call women “bitches” anymore - after his wife Beyonce gave birth to a baby girl last week - was actually written by someone else.  They claim Jay-Z has no intention of swearing off the “B” word. 

- This new info restores my respect for rappers everywhere!  

- This explains the Birth Announcement I got in the mail from he and Beyonce reading, “It’s A Bitch!” 

- Let’s face it, a man can’t give up his entire musical career… He’s got a family to support! 

Mickey Mouse Politicians?

President Obama is going to Disney World tomorow to unveil a strategy for boosting the tourism industry, as part of his series of “We Can’t Wait” executive orders.  

- There’s a good chance he’ll run into Ron Paul… since his GOP opponents think he’s been living in “Disneyworld” for a long time. 

- Obama is set to deliver a brief statement on the economy in front of “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1912, English explorer Robert F Scott and his party reached the South Pole, only to discover that Roald Amundsen had beaten them to it.  

- The next year, he set off for the North Pole in an effort to become the first “Bi-Polar” explorer in history. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Kid "On The Rocks" At Andiamo...

Detroit’s own Kid Rock - who has given a lot back to the city - is offering up something different: An apology. Last Friday night, while attending country star Travis Tritt’s concert at the Andiamo Celebrity Showroom, Kid lit up a cigar. An asthmatic man among the 800-plus audience members complained. Mr. Rock says he is deeply sorry for the faux pas. His excuse: He’d been drinking! 

- I believed the whole story, right up until the drinking part…

Is It Just Me Or Are These Debates Getting Taxing?

Another night… another Republican debate.  Last night, the remaining five GOP candidates faced each other and the public again.  Highlights included Mitt Romney waffling about releasing his tax returns.  He said maybe he’ll do it at the traditional time… in April. 

- Donald Trump said what he really wants to see are the tax returns Romney filed in Kenya. 

- Newt Gingrich said the reason Mitt is holding back is that he itemized all his deductions… in FRENCH! 

Ron Paul spent some of his time at Monday night’s debate defending the Taliban.  He said that they are different than Al Qaeda and basically just people who don’t want foreigners on Afghan soil. 

- He also said Ted Bundy and Charles Manson were different because at heart, Manson was really “a family man”. 

Woman Attempts To "Super Size" Men At McDonalds...

Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles is charged with suspicion of prostitution. She was reportedly opening customers’ car doors in the drive-thru-lane of a McDonald’s and offering sexual favors in return for free Chicken McNuggets.  She was arrested after a man told police that she approached him with the sex-for-McNuggets deal, but he refused the offer. 

- Apparently the 32 guys in line before him had no problem with the offer at all! 

- She said she was just serving a new version of McDonald’s “Happy Meal”!

- Her fellow hookers in jail are said to be giving her quite a “McRibbing” about the story.  

- btw… That particular McDonald’s changed it’s sign to “Over a Billion Served… Some Just Got Better Service Than Others!”

It's Official... Barbie's A Slut!

After years of accusing “Barbie” of being offensive to Islam, an official ban on Barbie and Ken has gone into effect in Iran. What they say is a “buxom blond in revealing clothing” is being replaced with two officially-sanctioned Iranian dolls named Dara and Sara. They have black or brown hair but you can’t see it because they come complete with head scarves.  

- So now little girls in Iran can play with their plastic “Dara” and “Sara” dolls… while little boys just continue to play with their plastic AK-47’s, so really, not that much has changed!

- Because Dara and Sara are females, they can’t leave the house without a male relative. Wouldn’t you think the men over there might want to change that rule?  

- Wait ‘til you see “Sara’s Malibu Dream Cave”! 

Life's A Bitch... And Then You're Wife Gives Birth!

Fatherhood has changed Rapper Jay Z. After his wife Beyonce gave birth to their daughter, Ivy Blue, last week he wrote a poem in his baby’s honor in which he appears to renounce ever calling females “bitch” again. Although he’s used the word relentlessly in the songs that made him famous, he now says he curses the word and that “no man will degrade” his daughter “or call her that name”.   

- From now on he says that females will be called “women” but added that that word is a bitch to rhyme! 

- John Lennon would have called his hit song “Woman”, “Bitch”, but ofcourse he wasn’t nearly as hip as Jay Z!!!!! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, Popeye the Sailor Man debuted in the comic strip “Thimble Theater”. 

- With the size of his arms… I hope Mother Popeye had a C-Section!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick