Hunts(man) Decides He Can't Ketchup!

In a surprise move, GOP Presidential Candidate Jon Huntsman pulled out of the race over the weekend despite having declared his third place finish in New Hampshire, “A Ticket To Ride”. The former Governor of Utah previously also served as the U.S. Ambassador to China under President Obama. 

- He was pulled from that position after Obama misunderstood a message from Huntsman saying he’d ordered “Chinese Take Out”. 

- The Chinese government used to let Huntsman bring his family over for visits… but he was only allowed to bring one of his kids at a time.  

Attention GOP Candidates: Watch Your Language!

The Republican candidates’ attacks on each other may have reached a new low with an ad from the Gringrich campaign that attacks Mitt Romney for speaking French. It depicts Romney as a Massachusetts liberal by comparing him to Sen. John Kerry and ends by cutting from Kerry speaking French to Romney speaking French. The narrator adds, “Just like John Kerry, he speaks French, too.” Ironically, it’s been reported that Newt also speaks French. 

- Apparently Jon Huntsman also speaks French since he “surrendered” and dropped out of the race over the weekend. 

- Bill Clinton couldn’t speak French but at school, he majored in “French Kissing”.  

- If any of these guys actually want a shot at winning, shouldn’t they be bragging that they can speak SPANISH? 

Despite Prayers, Tebow Didn't Have A Prayer...

Big upsets in the NFL over the weekend.  The 49er’s beat the New Orleans Saints in the last 30 seconds of their game… The New York Giants felled the favored Green Bay Packers in a lopsided game in Green Bay… And Jesus did not come to Tim Tebow’s aide on Saturday, as Tom Brady and the New England Patriots decimated Tebow and the Denver Broncos 45-10. 

- It’s nice to know the Lions wouldn’t have been the only ones to lose if they’d made it that far. 

She's Got Two WHAT?????

27-year-old Hazel Jones of England became on overnight celebrity by revealing that she has a medical condition call uterus Didelphys, which means… she has two vaginas! She also has two cervixes and two uteruses. Jones is excited about her condition, saying “It’s amazing… definetely an ice-breaker at parties… and if women want to have a look, I’m quite happy to show them!” Doctors say having two vaginas isn’t all that rare. A gynocologist in Philadelphia says he sees “maybe one a month”.  

- Actually, that’s “two” a month. 

- Mr. Jones says it’s great, because if one of her “has a headache”, the other side is still good to go! 

- And you thought dealing with your ladie’s PMS was bad! 

- If Sharon Stone had this condition… she would definitely have taken the Oscar for her role in “Basic Instinct”. 

- Miss Jones has even given them Geographic names: Vagina and West Vagina.  

- If her Vaginas start giving monologues it’s going to be more confusing than watching “The View”.  

How Low Can They Go???

Because of the European debt crisis, S&P downgraded the credit ratings of nine European nations, including France.  Only Germany was left with the highest Triple A credit rating.  

- Too bad the Nazi’s didn’t realize that all they really needed to take over Europe was a really good credit rating! 

- On this side of the Atlantic, Canada is still holding strong with a credit rating of Triple “Eh? Eh? Eh?”

Hollywood Actresses Show Off "Golden Globes"!

At last night’s Golden Globes, return host Ricky Gervais was remarkably less offensive as host than during last year’s broadcast… although he repeatedly appeared on stage holding a cocktail.  George Clooney won Best Actor in a movie for “The Descendants” while Meryl Streep walked away with the Best Actress trophy for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady”. 

- Bill Clinton went to see the movie, but was confused because he thought it was about Hillary. 

The big winner of the night was “The Artist” - which took home a ton of awards, including Best Film. Amazingly, it’s a silent movie.  

- The only talking I heard during the movie were the two women sitting behind me.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1979, Cher filed for divorce from Greg Allman. The two had been married for just 9 days.

- This was the first time in history someone said, “The Honeymoon’s Over” before the Honeymoon was actually over.   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #25: I'm No Mathematician... But that's Almost Halfway To 50!

On this, our 25th Podcast (Do you give gifts for the 25th Podcast?  A silver “Mr. Microphone”?) we cover the gamut from “No Pants Day” on subways around the world to the split-second decision that cost me $50 thousand dollars, and a slip of the tongue that almost got Jackie kicked off morning radio in NYC.  On a personal note we’ll give you a  “Reader’s Digest” version of how I became involved with Children’s Hospital of Michigan more than 30 years ago.  They are giving my wife Gail and yours truly an award Friday evening - but the award should go to them… They saved my daughter Jackie’s life.

Purtan Podcast #25

Have a great weekend, drive safely and I’ll see you back here on Monday! 

-Dick 

From left… Our oldest daughter Jennifer, Moi (sans moustache), daughter #3, Jill, my wife Gail with our first dog, Piper, and Jackie.  

Chapter Eleven Will Effect America's Supply Of Ho-Hos!

It’s official… Hostess - the company that makes Twinkies and so many of America’s favorite sweet treats - has filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy protection. 

- They don’t need protection from creditors… they need protection from potheads and Michael Moore. 

Move Over Spiderman... Shatner's In Town!

William Shatner is set to make his Broadway debut - at age 80 - in a one-man show running from Valentine’s Day to March 4th. It will be called “Shatner’s World: We Just Live In It” and producers promise it will “take audiences on a voyage through Shatner’s life and career, from Shakespearean stage actor to internationally known icon.” 

- And you can get great deals on tickets by calling “Priceline”! 

- If there is a God, it won’t be a musical. 

- I haven’t been this excited about a show since Charlie Sheen’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” tour! 

- Audience members will go where “no Star Trek Fan has gone before”… a respectable clothing store.  

NOTE:  Shatner had one of the funniest lines ever (IMHO) when he appeared on Saturday Night Live as Captain Kirk at a Star Trek Convention. He stepped in front of the worshiping crowd and said, “Get a life!” 

Life Is A Cabernet, Old Chum... Or Is It?

University of Connecticut health researcher Dipak Das has come under attack for his studies lauding the many benefits of red wine. University officials warned science journals that they’ve found over 100 instances of falsified data in his research. 

- Of course he made a few mistakes! He was drunk while he did the studies! 

- Officials said they’re shocked that an alleged scientist would “stoop this Merlot.”

- Das called the whole thing “sour grapes” and offered to throw critics a “Whine & Cheese Party”. 

At Least They Didn't Ask The Women To "Scooch Down"...

Yesterday, the Puah Institute in Israel hosted a major conference titled “Innovations in Gynecology/Obstetrics & Jewish Law”. There was one glitch:  Female doctors weren’t allowed to speak. They were allowed to sit quietly in a separate section of the auditorium and listen to what the men had to say about female body parts. The men at the institute say they will hold a separate conference just for women. 

- What a bunch of boobs! 

- The event did feature female entertainment… sort of.  Chaz Bono. 

Perry Big Winner! (Katy... NOT Rick!)

Last night Katy Perry won five People’s Choice Awards, including one for favorite TV guest-starring role on “How I Met Your Mother,” but because of her divorce from Russell Brand she chose not to attend the public event.

- If I were her, I would have avoided public events when I was still with him!

- In the divorce agreement, she gets to keep all her awards, and he gets to keep the ugly stick.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that states could not discriminate against law school applicants because of race.

- This opened the door for Geoffrey Feiger who had been previously turned away for being a Vulcan.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick 

25 Million More Reasons Kwame's A Loser...

More bad news for Kwame… Yesterday, a federal judge in Mississippi dismissed his dishonor’s $25 million lawsuit agains Skytel for releasing the text messages that brought about his downfall.  Included were the famous “sexts” he exchanged with then aide, Christine Beatty. The judge said K “didn’t follow the rules” when filing the suit. 

- So if he wants the $25 mil I guess he’s going to have to go back to playing the lottery like the rest of us! 

- That money really would have come in handy fighting the upcoming Federal charges. 

Mitt A Hit In New Hampshire!

Detroit-born Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire Primary yesterday with a solid 39% of the vote. Ron Paul came in second with 23%, followed by Jon Huntsman with 17%.  However, a new Public Policy Polling survey shows that Paul and Huntsman will not fare as well in the next Primary in South Carolina, with Paul expected to get just 8% and Huntsman 4%. Huntsman told a cheering crowd that he considered coming in 3rd place “A Ticket To Ride”. 

- Isn’t it more like a ticket on the “The Last Train To Clarksville”?

President Colbert: He'd Probably Fly "Air Farce One"!

The same survey that shows Huntsman getting 4% of the South Carolina vote, showed that if late night comic Stephen Colbert ran, he would get 5% of the vote. 

- And if Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien ran, they’d split the vote and the ads would make the attacks between Mitt and Newt look like a Hallmark card.  

NEWS NOTE:  Have you ever wondered why Mitt Romney goes by “Mitt”?  Because his real first name is “Willard”! 

- Of course as our beloved Doc “Mr. Michigan” Andrews would have said… he’s from our “Mitt-en shaped peninsula!”

They'll Probably Find The Other One On The Side Of The Road...

Dutch police in Enter, Holland, are intestigating the disappearance of the world’s largest clog. It’s a wooden shoe 13 feet long that weighs nearly two tons. They assume it’s a joke, and they got a message saying it would be returned after this weekend’s Carnival, but they still say they will make the theives “answer in court” for their actions.

- Isn’t Ed Sullivan buried in a “really big” one of those? 

- A boy and his girlfriend are suspected of stealing the shoe… In Holland this is known as “going dutch”. 

- My wife just saw that shoe the other day at DSW! The Dutch Shoe Warehouse! (Badda-boom!)

Penis Envy Times Four!

Doctors in Leipzig, Germany, announced that a woman has given birth to healthy identical quadruplets without the help of artificial insemination.  The odds of that are one in 13 million.  The four identical sisters were named Laura, Sophie, Jasmin and Kim.  

- Let’s hope their last name isn’t “Kardashian”.

- When People Magazine heard the story, they gave “Baby Kim” a million dollar advance for her wedding pictures. 

The "High" Price Of Snack Cakes...

Rumors are rampant that Hostess, the maker of cupcakes and Twinkies, is preparing for its second Chapter 11 Bankruptcy filing.  

- A spokesman for the National Marijuana Industry, a Mr. Willie Nelson, said “this is a blow to our way of life” but hopes the company will continue making Ho-Ho’s and King-Bongs.