Purtan Podcast #22: Nude, Rude & Lewd Celebrities... It Must Be The Holidaze!

Hope you’re having a great weekend! To keep you company while you’re “Decking the Halls”… our latest Podcast is up and running and we’ve got a star-studded one for you today! Listen in as we welcome Bill Clinton to my dining-room table discussion of everything from his recent appearance on “The View” (where he made Whoopi!) to why some Muslim woman are being banned from touching zuchinni. (Yup. That’s why). Plus we talk about the 7-year-old boy who’s been accused of sexual harassment for fighting back against a bully and discuss the latest candidate to become “Anger Management Monthy’s” new poster boy.  We also touch on Madonna (figuratively, not literally… we’re fresh out of penicillin) and her upcoming appearance at the Superbowl. And speaking of bowls, we debate why Michigan is going to a bigger, more prestigious Bowl game than Michigan State… even though State beat Michigan! 

And with just a few short weeks left to get the perfect, inexpensive gift for that special someone on your list… we give you more details about how you can get my new CD “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” for just $19.99!  It’s as simple as clicking on the blue ad above, and you’ll have it in two or three days - in plenty of time for Christmas and the Holidays! 

Merry Christmas! And now… on with the show! (34min. 52sec.)  

Purtan Podcast #22: Nude, Rude & Lewd Celebrities… It Must Be The Holidaze!   

Freedom A No-Go For Blago!

Yesterday, a federal judge sentenced former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich to 14 years in prison on 18 corruption charges, including trying to sell Barack Obama’s former Senate seat. Unlike celebs in Hollywood, Blago will have to serve a minimum of 12 years. Apparently the judge was unmoved by Blago’s statement that he was, “Unbelievably sorry.”

- What he actually said was, “I am so BLEEPING unbelievably BLEEPING sorry!”

- Blago’s biggest fear of prison isn’t the other inmates, it’s getting the prison haircut! 

- The thousands of dead people who originally voted him into office are turning over in their graves. 

Romney Takes "Swing" At Obama!

Mitt Romney is using President Obama’s passion for golf against him. The Romney campaign has set up a website called FortyFore.com that notes Obama has played 1,584 holes since taking office. The site quotes Obama as saying he “would not rest” until every Amerian can find a job, and is asking for $18 donations - a dollar per hole on a typical golf course - to help send Obama on a “permanent vacation”. 

- Herman Cain is considering jumping back in the race on the “Back 9-9-9” platform. 

- In response, Obama is switching to Putt-Putt, so he can play golf and have more time to create jobs! 

- In his defense, Obama says his golfing has created a lot of “shovel ready jobs”… of course they’re really tiny shovels used to replace his divets. 

- So basically Romeny is using golf to handicap Obama’s candidacy.  

Cereal Killers?

The Environmental Working Group has compiled a list of the 10 worst Children’s cereals based on sugar content. They say that cereals including Froot Loops, Apple Jacks and Captain Crunch are all more than 40% sugar by weight. Worst of all is Kellogg’s Honey Smacks which is 55.6 percent sugar by weight. They say there’s more sugar in just one cup of Honey Smacks or even Wheaties Fuel than in a Hostess Twinkie. 

- So go for it Mom! Let your kid have that Twinkie they want for breakfast! 

- I’m glad my favorite cereal wasn’t mentioned because frankly, nobody’s getting their hands on my Lucky Charms! 

BTW… By comparison, Cheerios are just 3.6 percent sugar. 

- Which is why kids don’t eat them; they just use them for “target practice” during potty training! 

It IS The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Parents and grade school kids gathered for a school play in England were horrified when one student’s dad stormed in and attacked another dad. The two wrestled, then one dad bit through the other guys finger and, according to a witness, “spit out blood like an animal”.  Apparently the dad’s had a long standing feud. By the way, the fight took place during the school’s Christmas Nativity Play.  

- Well I can think of two guys who aren’t gonna be playing two of the three Wise Men in next years production!

- It took police hours to calm the men down and bring them to their “Frankencenses”. (RIM SHOT GOES HERE)

- The little drummer boy was so traumatized he switched to the recorder.  

RIP...

Detroit born “M*A*S*H” star Harry Morgan, who played “Colonel Sherman Potter”, on the hit show has died at the age of 96. Earlier in his career, Morgan played the hard-nosed detective Joe Gannon on “Dragnet. His daughter says he died at his home in LA after a bout with pneumonia. 

- Those are the facts m’am. Just the facts.  

Here’s another fact for ya… there are 40 of my favorite cuts taken from the last few years of my radio show on the brand new CD, “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10”.  From Jacque and Frenchy Lepuke to Jack Stewart to Presidents Clinton, Bush & Obama… they’re all there! Plus a few of our homemade parody songs (including Coleman singing to Kwame) and some other funny stuff that “just happened”! You’ll not only get some laughs, you’ll be benefiting two great Michigan Military charities as they “Honor our Past and Support the Present”!  It’s the perfect, inexpensive Christmas/Holiday gift for you - or someone you have to buy for, but don’t want to spend much money on! You can get your $19.99 copy (or copies!) right now by clicking on one of the blue CD ads right here on DickPurtan.com! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here with Podcast #22 Friday!

-Dick  

A Day Which Still Lives In Infamy...

70 years ago today, Japan attacked Pearl Harbor and the U.S. entered World War II.  

- This “Historical Moment” brought to you by Toyota!

A Not-So-Smart Alec!

Alec Baldwin’s dark, angry side has surfaced again… The star of “30 Rock” was kicked off an American Airlines flight from LA to NY yesterday.  When flight attendants closed the door and told everyone to shut off their phones, he ignored them and says he continued playing “Words With Friends”. But witnesses say he was talking on the phone, then got up, locked himself in the bathroom and began beating on the wall before the plane returned to the gate and he was removed.  

- The game he was playing was actually “Angry Bird… Brains!”

- You know what this means… Alec Baldwin’s gonna host Saturday Night Live this week for the 627th time! 

- I’d tell you more about this story but “It’s Complicated”. 

- And he’s been offered a guest role on Charlie Sheen’s new show “Anger Management”. 

Obama Shows Off Teddy In Speech!

Yesterday, President Obama gave a major speech, trying to shame Republicans into raising taxes on the wealthy by emulating GOP hero Teddy Roosevelt, who gave a similar speech on the same spot in Kansas in 1910.  Like Roosevelt, Obama called for an activist government and for rich people to pay their fair share in taxes. But when Roosevelt gave his speech there was no income tax. That came 3 years later with the top rate on the weathiest Americans at just 7%.  

- Some say the Prez went to far when, immediately after the speech, he jumped on a horse and charged up a hill. 

Obama did make one gaffe…. He started the speech in Kansas by saying, “It is great to be back in the state of Texas!” - then quickly corrected himself.  

- In that case he was emulating Rick Perry.  

TSA Forces Octogenarians To Carry "Emotional Baggage"...

The feds spend billions on homeland security, but a lot of people are questioning how much security it’s buying. In New York, three women in their 80’s have now complained that they were strip-searched by TSA agents at JFK Airport because they had medical devices that couldn’t go through the electronic scanner, like colostomy bags.  

- The wizards at the TSA say that if they don’t want their colostomy bags “patted down” they should check them as luggage. 

- I think it’s just one rogue male agent who’s got a thing for little old ladies.  

You Can't See The Forrest For The Eiffel Tower?

There are no plans to turn the Eiffel Tower into a giant tree. Le Figaro magazine reported that there was a $93 million proposal to cover the Tower with 600,000 baskets of shrubbery to make it look like an 81-story plant. But the president of the committee that overseas the tower says it’s not gonna happen.  

- If only the French had done this in World War II the German’s might never have found Paris! 

- This gives me a great idea of how to improve the look of the Joe Louis Fist…

- It all started when Barbara Walters interviewed the Eiffel Tower and asked it, if it were a twee what kind of twee would it be? 

NEWSFLASH: Gore A Bore!

Ever wondered what it would be like to have dinner with Al Gore? Well, according to famed Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward, who was recently seated next to the former vice president at a dinner party, it’s “taxing…and in fact unpleasant”.  

- Woodward said Gore spent the whole time blaming Global Warming on “the hot flashes of menopausal women”.  

- “Taxing and unpleasant”… those are the same words Tipper used to describe him in their divorce papers.  

During a speech last Thursday Woodward offered up another tidbit: He said he once asked Gore how much the public knows about what went on during the Clinton administration. Gore replied, “One percent”. He then asked how much Americans would know if Gore were to write a memoir. Gore retorted, “Two percent”. 

- If Monica Lewinsky only makes up 1% of what we know… Apparently Bill Clinton was ordering a lot more Pizza than we thought! 

- Don’t feel bad… Hillary Clinton only knows about 3% of what went on. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1963, in the Army-Navy football game, instant replay was used for the first time. To keep viewers from being confused, the announcer told them, “This is not live! Army did NOT score again!”

- Today on Football Sundays you can hear announcers yell, “This IS live! The Lions did NOT score again!” 

Speaking of scoring… you can “score” your copy of the “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD right now by clicking on either of the blue CD ads on this website!  With only 17 shopping days left until Christmas… don’t wait! It’s a great, inexpensive stocking stuffer (Just $19.99!) for yourself or anyone you know who may have actually enjoyed the show!!!

Proceeds benefit two Michigan Military charities which I am very proud to support - especially on this - the 70th anniversary of the attacks on Pearl Harbor.  

-Dick  

Kwame Offers To Save Detroit!

New details are coming to light after Kwame Kilpatrick spoke to a group of students at Eastern Michigan University last week.  After telling the students to concentrate on “their character” he blasted the media for only focusing on the bad parts of his life. He refused to talk about impending federal charges against him, saying “the truth will come out soon” and announced that he’d like to help Mayor Dave Bing help solve Detroit’s financial problems, but would do it “behind the scenes” so as not to harm Bings reputation. 

- Kwame knows a lot about financial dealing “behind the scenes”… that’s how he spent his entire time as Mayor! 

- The Kwamster telling kids to concentrate on “their character” is kind of like Hitler telling people to “embrace diversity”. 

- If you want to read all of Kwame’s remarks, EMU says they will release the full sext… I mean… text of his speech later this week.  

Madonna To "Strike A Pose" At Superbowl!

As we reported here yesterday - it’s official.  Just a year after “The Black Eyed Peas” took the stage during the Superbowl, Michigan’s own Madonna has officially signed on as the “Halftime Entertainment” for the upcoming Superbowl.  Critics are split on why they think it’s a bad idea… Some say at 53, she’s “too old and irrelevant”; others are afraid she’ll do something too sexual. 

- Madonna is actually a big fan of Black Eyed Peas… because at her age, she eats them for the extra fiber. 

- Her staff claims she’s still “The Material Girl” - only now instead of spandex, she wears compression stockings. 

- Instead of demanding a dressing room full of champaigne and a masseuse, she asked for chilled “Ensure” and a defibrilator. 

Another "Earth" That's Out Of This World...

The Kepler space telescope has confirmed the existence of a planet 600 light years away that’s been nicknamed “Earth 2.0” because out of thousands of planets, it’s the only one we’ve found that is much like Earth: It’s over twice as big and has a year of only 290 days, but it’s in the “habitable zone” orbiting a star like ours and the average temperature is in the 70’s.  

- Ironically, the telescope also showed thousands of “Foreclosure” signs all over “Earth 2.0”.

- Sounds like a great “vacation destination”… as long as you can convince your boss to give you 600 light years off.  

- Al Gore is filming a new documentary covering his long journey to the newly found planet called, “An Inconvenient Trip”.  

Queen Feeling Financial Pinch: Prince Phillip Fears Loss Of "Family Jewels"!

The global finanacial crisis is even hitting home (or should I say “castle”) with Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II.  Due to tough economic times, the British government is cutting back the Queen’s Salary (to just $50 million a year) and her majesty will reportedly rent out rooms in the Palace for cash during the upcoming Olympics. They say the Queen is actually walking around the Palace turning off lights and turning down the thermostat.  

- She’s also encouraging everyone to cut down on the amount of toilet paper they use after sitting on the Royal Throne.  

- Prince Charles is doing his part: He fired Camilla’s groomer and his brushing her mane himself! 

"Cop Gone Wild!"

A Florida police officer was under covert investigation for allegedly paying for sex in his patrol car with cash and cocaine. But when he got wind of the investigation, he allegedly pointed his gun at fellow cops and threatened to keep them from talking by saying, “What would you do if I shot you?”. 

- At his police station maybe they were just playing a game of “Good Cop, Bad Cop” and it got out of hand.

- Didn’t Barney Fife do this once on an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show”?

Go Ahead And Drink! Now Your Boss Will Never Know!

Fastcompany.com is marketing a high-tech solution to keep you from being caught in embarrassing photos while out enjoying a few cocktails. “Photoblocker” is a beer holder with a build-in-photo flash and electronics that detrect when any digital camera flash is about to go off in the vicinity. At the exact second a flash goes off, the beer holder sets off a counter-flash. The resulting photo shows nothing but an overexposed blob of light.  

- If they had these back in my college days, today I wouldn’t have a single picture of any of the guys I hung out with!  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1923, Calvin Coolidge gave the first presidential address broadcast on radio. 

- In the hour the networks alloted him, they insisted that he “keep it short” and get in at least 15 songs.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget… you can now order your copy (copies) of my latest (and last) CD - “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” right now just by clicking on the blue CD ad on this website! At just $19.99 it makes a perfect stocking stuffer (and to be honest, I think it’s cheaper than coal!)  You don’t have to wait in line or get spritzed with 17 different colognes you can’t stand to get it - and it benefit’s two great Michigan Military charities! So go ahead… click away right here at DickPurtan.com! 

-Dick