Lions Lose To Saints... As Not-Such-A-Saint Announced As Superbowl Halftime Performer!

In their second nationally televised appearance this season - the Lions lost 31-17 to New Orleans. 

Meanwhile, it was announced during the game that the entertainer at the upcoming Superbowl will be Michigan’s own Madonna.  Now I know it’s a long shot… but if the Lions can get their act together, get a wild card slot and somehow make it to the Superbowl, Madonna could sing “Like A Virgin” and dedicate it to our boys in Blue who would be making their “first time” appearance at the big event! Whataya think the chances are? 

Cain: "I'm Innocent And Therefore I'm Calling It Quits."

Saturday, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign amidst allegations of sexual harrassment and a 13-year affair with an Atlanta woman.  But Cain was defiant to the end, branding all of the womens’ claims “false and baseless”, and calling politics a “dirty, dirty business”.  He added that will continue fighting to defeat Obama and said, “the pundits would like for me to shut up, drop out and go away. I am not going to be silenced, and I’m not going away.”

- Call me crazy… but isn’t that exactly what he just did?!

- Admittedly it’s tough to “go away” when your wife has you on a short leash. 

"The Wheels On The School Board Go Way Out Of Bounds..."

Two bizarre events in the news have me thinking our schools are getting a little too “PC”.  First, a nine year old boy in North Carolina was suspended for two days for calling his teacher “cute”.  The Principal of his elementary school said it constituted “sexual harrassment”. Meanwhile in Boston, a 7-year-old has been accused of sexual harrassment after he knee-ed another kid in the groin.  BTW… the little boy did it while trying to fight off a bully who was choking him on a school bus. 

- Both of the kids held press conferences announcing that due to the allegations they have suspended their campaigns for “President of the Student Council”. 

- It’s a good thing they can’t arrest you for thoughts… I thought my second grade teacher, “Mrs. Tennent” was hot!

Good News! You're Kids May NOT Be Sending Naked Pix Of Themselves To Friends!

We’ve been led to believe that today’s teenagers are constantly sexting nude photos of themselves via the Internet and cell phones, but that might be overblown. While previous studies showed that about 20% of kids “sexted”, a University of New Hampshire study of kids age 10 to 17 found that only 1% shared nude images of themselves or others.   

-So they’re the real 1%! Where are all the “Occupy George Washington Middle School” Protesters? 

- A similar study found that nearly 80% of Congressional members send naked pictures of themselves to people.  

Don't Mess With Grandma!

Last Friday, at NY’s Kennedy airport, 85-year old Lenore Zimmerman of Long Island was afraid to go through the scanner because she thought it might interfere with her defibrilator, so she asked for a patdown instead. The 4’ 11” grandmother claims she was taken to a private room and strip searched. The TSA denies it, but she said they “pulled my pants down and then pulled down my underwear.  If that’s not strip-seaching I don’t know what else you’d call it.” She added, “They’re lying to protect their asses because they’re afraid of being sued - and they WILL be sued.” 

- Will she win?  That Depends… 

- In their defense, TSA agents did find some packets of Sweet ‘n Low tucked in her underpants. 

- She was mad, but admited that it was the most action she’d gotten since Nixon was in office.  

Former Miss USA: Too Much "Crown" Royal?

Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih, Miss USA 2010 was arrested on suspision of drunk driving in Highland Park over the weekend. Ironically, she had appointed herself as the “designated driver” after deciding her companion was too drunk to drive, only to realize too late that she was intoxicated too. 

- Police said she may not have been able to walk a straight line, but she did smile and wave during the whole thing. 

- At first the cops thought she had a giant Crown Air Freshener in the car, but it turns out it was actually a real crown! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, the first American nudist organization, the American League for Physical Culture opened in New York City. 

- Immediately afterward, the first-ever game of Volleyball broke out. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And with the holidays fast appproaching, don’t forget to reserve your copy (copies!) of the my new and final CD, “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” today! It’s just $19.99 and benefits two outstanding Michigan Military charities!  It contains 40 of my favorite character bits and things that happened during my last few years on the air. Just click on any one of the blue CD ads on this website and start crossing people off your “still haven’t bought for list”! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #21: A Cavalcade of Celebrities!

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #21… Today we welcome a virtual calvacade of celebrities to my dining room table.  Tom Brokaw, George W. Bush, Rodney Dangerfield, Coleman Young and I-can’t- remember-who-else sits down to discuss everything from bad calls in sports (the refs at last weekends Michigan game - hello!) to the San Diego Charger who was caught on TV peeing on the field. Speaking of which, we’ll tell you how pickle juice could be the new miracle cure for a common health problem and we’ll explore just how many times a day men and women really think about sex. As for the picture of my bare leg above my sock that you see below… it’s an actual recreation of a fashion faux paux I made on TV last week.  Details are all in the podcast! 

And with Christmas and the holdiays fast approaching, we explain how you can reserve your copy (or copies) of my new (and last) CD — “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10”.  It’s only $19.99 and benefits two terrific Michigan Military charities!  What’s on it you ask?  40 of my favorite character bits and on-the-air stories never before released on any of our previous “Best Ofs” taken from the last few years leading up to my sign off.  It makes a great inexpensive stocking stuffer for you or anyone on your gift list who was a fan of the show!  Just click on the blue CD ad on this page to reserve yours today… It’s easier than Lindsay Lohan after a night at the bar! 

Hope you enjoy the Podcast — and I hope you’ll help us give back to the incredible men and women of our armed services, both past and present!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #21:  A Calvalcade of Celebrities  (31 min. 29 sec.)

Baba Wawa To Weveal Most Fascinating Pewrson Of 2011!

Barbara Walters revealed most of the names she’s chosen for her “10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 Special”. They include Derek Jeter, Simon Cowell, Donald Trump, Katy Perry, royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton and the Kardashians, described as “American Reality Royalty”.  As always, her #1 choice for most fascinating person is a secret.

- If she picks Justin Bieber, I’m moving to Canada.  

- The names weren’t given in any specific order, but I’m pretty sure the Kardashians will be bringing up the rear.

- I’m hoping for an “behind the scenes” look at Pippa Middleton! 

Herman Cain: One Sass Act!

Despite numerous claims of sexual harrassment and the latest claim of a 13-year extramarital affair, GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain is hanging in there.  He says he’s conferring with his family on whether or not to stay in the race, but says he’s a fighter and has a lot of “sass”. 

- If the rumors are true, isn’t that the problem?  The occassional “piece of sass”? 

- A lot of people say it’s time for a woman in the White House… and it looks like Herman Cain would bring tons of them!  

Scientology Cruise Ship: "We'll Always Have Paris..."

Former Scientologist Valeska Paris of Switzerland told ABC News that she was held prisoner on board the Church’s luxury “cathedral” cruise ship the Freewinds, for 12 years.  She went to work on the ship “for two weeks” when she was 18 but claims her passport was confiscated, she was told she’d signed a contract binding her to Scientology for a billion years, and made her work below deck for more than a decade. A Church spokesperson said her claims are “totally false” and that the Scientology Cruise Ship is “a wonderful place!”

- Disneyworld’s a wonderful place too… but I wouldn’t want to stay there for 12 years.

- She was actually only held captive for six years, but they forced her to watch Tom Cruise movies every night so it SEEMED like 12 years.

- They’re the only cruise line who offer 4-night, two-week, or twelve year cruises!

Hey Guys "Listen Up"!

A new study shows that the men who connect to the internet wirelessly on their laptops and put them close to their… laptops… may run into fertility problems.  Scientists put a sample of sperm under a laptop and hit the download button.  Seveal hours later, they found that 25% of the sperm under the computer had stopped swimming compared to 14% kept away from the computer.   

- Big Al says he’s going to continue using his laptop to “surf the net”… but only until his little fellas need water-wings. 

- IN RELATED NEWS… Researchers were surprised to discover that each of the sperm was wearing a Speedo.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1891, Philadelphia coach James Naismith invented the game of basketball by giving students a soccer ball and nailing peach baskets to each end of the school gym.

- And to this day, basketball players have been nailing anything they can get their hands on.   

Have a great day… and don’t forget that you can reserve your copy (or copies!) of my latest (and final!) CD - “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” right now and get it in plenty of time for Christmas and the holidays! The CD contains 40 of my favorite character bits from my last few years on the air, and proceeds benefit two great Michigan Military charities!  It’s just $19.99 and - unlike a holiday sweater - it’s “one size fits all”! Just click on any one of the blue CD ads on this website to get in on the fun and help our men and women in uniform, both past and present!  

-Dick 

Conrad Murray: Losing Sleep Over Jail Sentence?

Yesterday, an LA judge sentenced Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, to the maximum four years in jail for involuntary manslaughter, calling him a disgrace to the medical profession.  Due to California rules, he’ll serve his time in the LA County Jail - where most celebs go - and not a federal prison. 

- Lindsay Lohan was totally pumped, saying she can’t wait to get arrested again so she can try Propofol! 

- So Conrad Murray took it on the chin, as opposed to Michael Jackson who took it on several dozen different noses. 

- Now that Jack Kevorkian is gone, Conrad Murray will now be known as “Dr. Death - The Sequel”.  

Cain A Bodybuilder Save Herman's Campaign?

With his poll numbers falling and a new accusation of a 13-year affair that he’s denied, Herman Cain says he’s “reassessing” his run for President.  Meanwhile, a female bodybuilder who used to be a buisness partner of Cain’s alleged mistress, Ginger White, spoke out, saying hat she successfully sued White for libel for telling defamatory lies that harmed her career and reputation. She added that the two were close, and in all that time, Ginger never even mentioned Cain’s name.

- Well maybe she forgot it!

- Maybe to Ginger he was just the pizza “delivery guy”.

- Cain added, “I did not have sex with that woman… the body builder… although she looked pretty hot when I saw her on TV!”  

Perry's Counting On You... Even Though He Can't Seem To Count!

Rick Perry told New Hampshire college students that if they’ll be 21 by the primary election, he wants their vote. And if they won’t, he told them to “just work hard.” What he didn’t realize is that the voting age in New Hampshire has been 18 since 1971.  

- Hey he remembered that he was in New Hampshire and that he wanted people to vote for him… Two out of 3 ain’t bad! 

Are You Thinking About Sex Right Now?

It’s commonly believed that men think about sex every seven seconds, but according to a new report out of OSU, that’s completely false.  A study of 238 college students found that even men of that age think about sex 19 times a day followed by food (18 times a day) and sleep (11 times a day). They think this may prove that men aren’t sex-obsessed, they just think about bodily functions more than women do. 

- And this is NEWS to people?   

Meanwhile, the study found that female students think about food 15 times a day, and sex 10 times. 

- For women, sex is like Thanksgiving Dinner… you spend hours getting ready for it, and it’s over in less than two minutes. 

Alarming News Out Of NBC!

Last night, during the east coast live feed of the NBC Nightly News, Brian Williams was just starting a story when a loud fire alarm went off in the studio.  He plowed on, reassuring viewers and trying to be heard over the blaring fire alarm through stories on Hermain Cain and other topics. It finally shut off about 3/4 of the way through. Viewers complimented Williams on how unflappable he was during the long, loud alarm. 

- A similar thing happened here in Detroit once when Bill Bonds lit a cigarette during a commercial break and his hair piece caught on fire.  

- This is the same technique CBS used to tell Katie Couric, “You’re FIRED!” 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1977, in one of the oddest duets in music history, Bing Crosby sang “The Little Drummer Boy” with David Bowie on Bing’s Christmas TV special.   

- When Bing first saw Bowie, he said, “Wow… Rosemary Clooney has lost a lot of weight!”   

Have a great day… don’t forget to click on any one of the blue ads to reserve your copy of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10”… and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

NFL "Stomps" On Suh's Salary!

BULLETIN: NFL suspends Lions’ star defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh for two games without pay for stomping incident during Thanksgiving Day game.  It will cost him the tidy sum of $165,294 — the equivalent of 2/17th’s of his base salary.  No anger management required.  (Apparently NFL fearful that would make him mad!)

SEMI-BULLETIN:  Ohio State hires Urban Meyer as new head football coach. He led the Florida Gators to two national championships! (Oooooooh… we’re scared!)