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The Gennifer Flowers Of 2011?

Yesterday, Herman Cain broke his own scandal, telling CNN he’d heard an Atlanta woman was about to claim they’d had a 13-year affair.  He said the woman was a friend and that he’d helped her financially, but that they’d never had a sexual relationship.  The woman, Ginger White, said she only came forward because of media-hounding and that there was no harassment or assault, just a consensual relationship. 

- She added Cain is a “true conservative”… in the bedroom. 

- Bill Clinton said, “I finally found a Republican I can relate to!”

- Cain’s staff says it’s all part of a plot to derail his campaign… they call it “Swift-Booty-ing”.

But so far, there’s no hard evidence. White’s history includes a bankruptcy, a sexual harrassment claim, a defamation case against her and several recent evictions.  She does have records of many phone calls from Cain but no recordings, and two autographed books of his, but his inscriptions weren’t very personal.  

- The inscriptions weren’t personal, but the books were “The Kama Sutra” and “The Joy of Sex”.  

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"Fred" Involved With "Barney"?

Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank announced that after 32 years in Congress, he won’t run for reelection next year.  The openly gay Frank is a hero to liberals, but conservatives blame him for helping crash the economy by blocking reforms to mortgage giants Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac. Frank says he “wants to do other things” while Newt Gingrich says he “should go to jail”.  

- The person who replaces him will get the best-decorated office on Capitol Hill!  

- We know one thing for sure: He’s not stepping down because some woman accused him of having an affair with her. 

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Chargers #9 Caught Going #1...

Views of Sunday’s San Diego-Denver NFL game on CBS saw more than they bargained for.  With the score tied at 13-13, the sportscasters began discussing whether the Chargers would call in kicker Nick Novak to try for a field goal. The camera cut to Novak, but instead of seeing him preparing for a kick, viewers saw him crouching down and peeing on the field. BTW… someone did hold up a towel to give him a little privacy. 

- Refs immediately threw a yellow flag on the play. 

- Apparently Novak is the only one who took the cheerleaders chant of “Go Team, Go!” seriously. 

- No word yet on whether he’ll be penal-ized for “illegal use of hands”. 

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"Grandma Got Run Over By A Humvee..."

For the second year in a row, the Scottsdale, AZ Gun Club is offering photos with Santa… and your choice of guns.  Kids and grown-ups alike can pose with Santa holding their choice of anything from pistols to assault rifles, grenade launchers, AK-47’s or an $80,000 machine gun. Critics are appalled, but the Gun Club says it’s “good family fun” for people who want to show their holiday spirit and their passion for weapons. It’s so popular that this year they’ve doubled the price of photos to $10. 

- But the photographer guarantees “A great shot!”

- Naughty kids in Arizona don’t worry about getting coal in their stocking… they worry about getting blown away by Santa. 

- If things go well this year, they’re thinking of doing the same thing at Target. 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, India officially abolished the concept of “untouchability”.

- CHEAP PLUG:  Speaking of “untouchablility”… don’t forget to “reach out and touch” your computer to reserve your copy of “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People Vol. 10” CD in time for Christmas! Just click on any one of the blue CD ads on this very website to make your purchase! It’s just $19.99 and benefits two Michigan Military charities! The CD, my final one, features 40 character bits and conversations from the last few years I was on the air!  It’s a great stocking stuffer, Secret-Santa, Hannukah and/or “Festivus” gift!  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick

 

 

 

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Just Click Your Mouse... And Say, "They're's Nothing Like Dick Purtan's New Best Of CD!"

It’s Cyber Monday… and if you’re like a lot of Americans, you’re going to spend a lot of time on the Internet today - as proven by the fact that you are reading this right now! Before you hunker down with your holiday gift list and spend hours searching for a great, affordable gift for you (or your Uncle Fred or a co-worker who was a fan of the show), LOOK NO FURTHER!  

We’ve got what you need right here at DickPurtan.com!  

Because right now, you can reserve your copy (or copies) of my brand-spanking new CD “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People Vol. 10” for just $19.99!  You heard me right! Just $19.99! The CD - the 10th and last in a collection that started more than 20 years ago - contains 40 of my favorite character bits and conversations from my last few years on the show.  It’s the greatest stocking stuffer since the invention of the Chia Pet and you don’t even have to water it! Just click on the blue ad here at DickPurtan.com to reserve your copy or copies today! Proceeds benefit two great Michigan Military charities: Operation Homefront Michigan & Honor Flight Michigan: The Legacy Project. So you’ll not only get a few laughs, you’ll be helping to “Honor Our Past and Support The Present”.  

And for information on a special party the Charities are hosting - and I’m emceeing - go to Make a Reservation

Thanks!

-Dick 

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"Black Friday" Sparks Big Sales And Plenty Of Violence!

“Black Friday” and “Black Friday Weekend” both set sales records in the billions - good news for retailers. But there was bad news in several places when bargain-crazed mobs of shoppers shoved each other and turned violent.  In Oregon, women got into a catfight over lingerie at Victoria’s Secret, and in LA a woman pepper sprayed about 20 other Walmart customers to get ahead in line for discounted Xbox 360 sets.

- The woman said she got the idea from the Bible when the Three Wise Men brought, “Gold, Pepper Spray, and Myrrh”. 

- You never hear about this kind of stuff happening at the “Hickory Farms Summer Sausage & Cheese Sampler” Stand at the mall.

- One man who witnessed the catfight at Victoria Secret said, “It IS The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!”

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In Sports, Always Keep Your Eye On The...Uh...Uh...

The NBA players and team owners finally reached an agreement to save the season. But there was an interesting “Plan B” in place.  The Rick’s Caberet chain announced plans to launch a basketball league with teams formed of topless dancer from each of their 23 clubs. This week, they’ll announce a former NBA star who’ll coach their New York team and unveil the players’ uniforms.

- Even if none of the girls make a single basket, it sounds like a slam dunk to me!

- It’ll be just like a real NBA game except instead of watching the bouncing ball, people will just watch all the bouncing! 

- The perfect guy to pick out the women’s uniforms: Dennis Rodman! 

- With all the perfume they’ll be wearing, instead of “Flagrant Fouls” they’ll get “Fragrant Fouls”.

- They’re call the league the “National Boobie-ball Association”. 

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Gaga A "Turkey" On Thanksgiving!

Aside from posing nude for a sketch by Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga did everything to transform herself into a family-friendly icon for her TV special Thanksgiving night. But despite visiting nuns at her old school, doing crafts with kids, and cooking chicken and waffles in a designer gown, the shop flopped. “A Very Gaga Thanksgiving” pulled less than half the viewers of a rerun of “The Big Bang Theory” and lost to “A Charlie Brown Christmas” which was being shown for the 40th time.  

- I think she’d do better with a Christmas Special: “Lady Gaga… Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! For The Holidays”.

- The only one happy with the show? Tony Bennett! 

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The New Twilight Movie: "Seizure The Day"?

Over the weekend, the latest “Twilight” movie made another $42 million to beat the Muppets and top the box office for a second week.  But there was a downside.  There have ben several reports of people suffering seizures during the graphic birthing scene, because the quick-cut editing makes the screen flash red, white and black.  

- Luckily most men weren’t affected as they’d already fallen asleep by that point in the movie.  

- Why not just do what most women do during conception… keep your eyes closed!

 

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RIP...

George Gallup Jr., son of the Gallup poll founder George Senior, has died at the age of 81.

- Ironically, a recent Gallup poll found that 86% of Americans didn’t even know he was sick.  

 

Have a great day and don’t forget to click on the blue ad to reserve your copy (or copies!) of “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD right now! 

See you back here on Tuesday!

-Dick 

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Forget "Black Friday"! It's "Maize & Blue Saturday"!

UPDATE: Michigan wins over OSU 40-34 in dramatic last minute victory!!!!! GO BLUE!!!!!

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Today at noon the Michigan Wolverines and the Ohio State Buckeyes will kick-off another game at The Big House in Ann Arbor. The decades old rivalry has been a bit lopsided the last few years (okay, Michigan has lost the last 7 straight) but this year most analysts predict UofM will come out on top.

In honor of the Big Game, I thought we’d put up two pieces that were annual traditions on my show… The song, “Liquidate Ohio State” and an incredibly funny bit written by the late, great Gene Taylor and performed by the late, great Doc Andrews. It involves the OSU marching band and their halftime show. 

Go Blue!

Liquidate Ohio State

Doc Andrews Announces The UofM/Ohio State Halftime Show

 

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Purtan Podcast #20: An Especially Fowl Edition!

Happy Day after Thanksgiving!  

In this special “recorded-the-day-before and aired-the-day-after” Holiday edition of our podcast, we talk about everything from Turkeys (and not just the ones in Washington) to “Sexting while Sleeping”.  (It’s a newly recognized medical condition, and therefore a great excuse if you get caught by your spouse!) President Obama joins us to discuss “Black Friday” and the White House “Country Music Night”. Plus we talk about “Shrinky Dinks”, why you may never have to visit the dentist again, and a grandmother-groping ghost! Plus… info on how to reserve your copy of my 10th and final “Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People” CD - featuring 40 never before released bits from my last years on the air, benefiting two great military charities, available right here at DickPurtan.com. Just click on the blue CD ad to reserve your copy (or copies) today!  It’s a great way to experience all the excitement of “Black Friday” without the crowds!  And there hasn’t been this great a “stocking stuffer” since Marilyn Monroe slipped into a pair of pantyhose! 

 

Purtan Podcast #20:  An Especially Fowl Edition

 

As they say, you can lead a horse to water… Despite the days my wife Gail spent preparing the traditional Thanksgiving feast, four of my daughters’ boys opt out on the Turkey and trimmings for their favorite holiday fare of Spaghetti-O’s and little weiners wrapped in crescent rolls.  Oh well… that means more leftovers for me! 

Pictured from front to back: Jessica’s son Preston, Jackie’s son Charlie, Jessica’s son Jack and JoAnne’s son Adam. And way in the background… the little girl with glasses on is JoAnne’s daughter Lauren.

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Happy Thanksgiving To All...

Well it’s finally here… Turkey Day!  And speaking of “Turkeys”, I thought it appropriate to put up the recording of Big Al reciting “The Fat Man’s Prayer”.  It was originally done by a man named Victor Buono back in 1971 - but is just as fitting today (so to speak!) 

I hope you enjoy it… and most of all, I hope that you share a safe, happy and healthy Thanksgiving with friends and family.  

There’s no denying that times are tough, but I hope we can all take a moment to be thankful for what we have and look forward to better times ahead for Detroit and our country! 

From the entire Purtan family to yours… Happy Thanksgiving! 

-Dick 

The Fat Man’s Prayer as recited by Big Al 

P.S. I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a special “Black Friday” edition of our Podcast! 

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Take The Stress Out Of Black Friday!

Looking for a quick, easy, affordable gift that you don’t have to camp out in a tent all night to get a great deal on? Reserve your copy of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People Vol. 10” today! It’s just $19.99 and not only provides a lotta laughs from my last few years on the air, it benefits two great Michigan Military charities, Operation Homefront Michigan and Honor Flight Michigan: The Legacy Project. 

Just click on the blue ad with the CD cover on it to reserve your copy now… and then spend Black Friday sleeping off the Turkey you ate on Butterball Thursday instead of at the mall! 

And for tickets to a special party being thrown by the two charities on Saturday evening, December 17th, click here.  I’m emceeing… and you’re invited! 

 

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Have You Tried The Turkey On Pita? It's To Die For!

With Thanksgiving just a day away, PETA is once again urging Americans to go meatless and eat tofu instead of turkey.  Their website claims that “turkeys are as varied in personality as dogs and cats. They relish having their feathers stroked and like to chirp, cluck, and gobble along to their favorite tunes.”

- Number one on the Poultry Hit Parade?  The Turkey Trot.

- The idea of eating tofu instead of turkey has enraged the members of PETT (People For The Ethical Treatment of Tofu”). 

- Male turkeys don’t seem to care.  They figure once you’ve had your giblets stuffed in a paper bag, there’s not that much to live for anyway.  

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NEWSFLASH: Friday Starts On Thursday! Saturday Vows To Stay Put.

Retailers, desperate for sales, are turning back the clock on the traditional “Black Friday” early-bird sales, with some stores opening on Thanksgiving night. A few are even claiming they’ll be open all day during Thanksgiving. Even eager shoppers are complaining, saying Thanksgiving is a day meant to be spent with family not cashiers.  

- This is a win-win for men! We don’t have to pretend to help with the dinner, and we can get all of the giant stretch pants, shotguns and ammo on our gift list without fighting a crowd! 


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Don't Forget To Gaga After You Gobble!

Thursday night, ABC will air a 90-minute special called “A Very Gaga Thanksgiving” featuring music, a tearful interview with Katie Couric, “Lady” cooking a deep fried turkey and welcoming a troupe of children, upon whom she blows glitter.   

- If you thought her raw meat dress was awesome… wait ‘til you see her “Deep Fried Turkey Teddy”! 

- Linsday Lohan makes a special appearance dressed as a food:  She’s coming as the “Cranberry Sauced”.  

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If A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words...

A German gynocologist is under investigation after secretly taking 35,000 pictures of patients during exams. So far 700 women have filed criminal complaints against the now retired doctor who photographed 3000 women in all.  If convicted he could face up to a year in prison.  

- Which will give him plenty of time to finish putting together his “Creative Memories” photo albums. 

- Some guys never learn that you shouldn’t take your work home with you! 

- Patients say they thought it was odd when he kept saying, “Say cheese!” during the the exam.


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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1897, J.L. Lowe patented the pencil sharpener.  

- And people finally realized what that little pink thing on the other end was for!  

Have a great day and a safe, healthy, happy Thanksgiving. We’re taking tomorrow off but Big Al will recite the tratdional “Fat Man’s Prayer” right here at DickPurtan.com.  

And I’ll see you back here Friday with my new Podcast!

Gobble! Gobble!

-Dick  

 

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