A Not-So-Smart Alec!

Alec Baldwin’s dark, angry side has surfaced again… The star of “30 Rock” was kicked off an American Airlines flight from LA to NY yesterday.  When flight attendants closed the door and told everyone to shut off their phones, he ignored them and says he continued playing “Words With Friends”. But witnesses say he was talking on the phone, then got up, locked himself in the bathroom and began beating on the wall before the plane returned to the gate and he was removed.  

- The game he was playing was actually “Angry Bird… Brains!”

- You know what this means… Alec Baldwin’s gonna host Saturday Night Live this week for the 627th time! 

- I’d tell you more about this story but “It’s Complicated”. 

- And he’s been offered a guest role on Charlie Sheen’s new show “Anger Management”. 

Obama Shows Off Teddy In Speech!

Yesterday, President Obama gave a major speech, trying to shame Republicans into raising taxes on the wealthy by emulating GOP hero Teddy Roosevelt, who gave a similar speech on the same spot in Kansas in 1910.  Like Roosevelt, Obama called for an activist government and for rich people to pay their fair share in taxes. But when Roosevelt gave his speech there was no income tax. That came 3 years later with the top rate on the weathiest Americans at just 7%.  

- Some say the Prez went to far when, immediately after the speech, he jumped on a horse and charged up a hill. 

Obama did make one gaffe…. He started the speech in Kansas by saying, “It is great to be back in the state of Texas!” - then quickly corrected himself.  

- In that case he was emulating Rick Perry.  

TSA Forces Octogenarians To Carry "Emotional Baggage"...

The feds spend billions on homeland security, but a lot of people are questioning how much security it’s buying. In New York, three women in their 80’s have now complained that they were strip-searched by TSA agents at JFK Airport because they had medical devices that couldn’t go through the electronic scanner, like colostomy bags.  

- The wizards at the TSA say that if they don’t want their colostomy bags “patted down” they should check them as luggage. 

- I think it’s just one rogue male agent who’s got a thing for little old ladies.  

You Can't See The Forrest For The Eiffel Tower?

There are no plans to turn the Eiffel Tower into a giant tree. Le Figaro magazine reported that there was a $93 million proposal to cover the Tower with 600,000 baskets of shrubbery to make it look like an 81-story plant. But the president of the committee that overseas the tower says it’s not gonna happen.  

- If only the French had done this in World War II the German’s might never have found Paris! 

- This gives me a great idea of how to improve the look of the Joe Louis Fist…

- It all started when Barbara Walters interviewed the Eiffel Tower and asked it, if it were a twee what kind of twee would it be? 

NEWSFLASH: Gore A Bore!

Ever wondered what it would be like to have dinner with Al Gore? Well, according to famed Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward, who was recently seated next to the former vice president at a dinner party, it’s “taxing…and in fact unpleasant”.  

- Woodward said Gore spent the whole time blaming Global Warming on “the hot flashes of menopausal women”.  

- “Taxing and unpleasant”… those are the same words Tipper used to describe him in their divorce papers.  

During a speech last Thursday Woodward offered up another tidbit: He said he once asked Gore how much the public knows about what went on during the Clinton administration. Gore replied, “One percent”. He then asked how much Americans would know if Gore were to write a memoir. Gore retorted, “Two percent”. 

- If Monica Lewinsky only makes up 1% of what we know… Apparently Bill Clinton was ordering a lot more Pizza than we thought! 

- Don’t feel bad… Hillary Clinton only knows about 3% of what went on. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1963, in the Army-Navy football game, instant replay was used for the first time. To keep viewers from being confused, the announcer told them, “This is not live! Army did NOT score again!”

- Today on Football Sundays you can hear announcers yell, “This IS live! The Lions did NOT score again!” 

Speaking of scoring… you can “score” your copy of the “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD right now by clicking on either of the blue CD ads on this website!  With only 17 shopping days left until Christmas… don’t wait! It’s a great, inexpensive stocking stuffer (Just $19.99!) for yourself or anyone you know who may have actually enjoyed the show!!!

Proceeds benefit two Michigan Military charities which I am very proud to support - especially on this - the 70th anniversary of the attacks on Pearl Harbor.  

-Dick  

Kwame Offers To Save Detroit!

New details are coming to light after Kwame Kilpatrick spoke to a group of students at Eastern Michigan University last week.  After telling the students to concentrate on “their character” he blasted the media for only focusing on the bad parts of his life. He refused to talk about impending federal charges against him, saying “the truth will come out soon” and announced that he’d like to help Mayor Dave Bing help solve Detroit’s financial problems, but would do it “behind the scenes” so as not to harm Bings reputation. 

- Kwame knows a lot about financial dealing “behind the scenes”… that’s how he spent his entire time as Mayor! 

- The Kwamster telling kids to concentrate on “their character” is kind of like Hitler telling people to “embrace diversity”. 

- If you want to read all of Kwame’s remarks, EMU says they will release the full sext… I mean… text of his speech later this week.  

Madonna To "Strike A Pose" At Superbowl!

As we reported here yesterday - it’s official.  Just a year after “The Black Eyed Peas” took the stage during the Superbowl, Michigan’s own Madonna has officially signed on as the “Halftime Entertainment” for the upcoming Superbowl.  Critics are split on why they think it’s a bad idea… Some say at 53, she’s “too old and irrelevant”; others are afraid she’ll do something too sexual. 

- Madonna is actually a big fan of Black Eyed Peas… because at her age, she eats them for the extra fiber. 

- Her staff claims she’s still “The Material Girl” - only now instead of spandex, she wears compression stockings. 

- Instead of demanding a dressing room full of champaigne and a masseuse, she asked for chilled “Ensure” and a defibrilator. 

Another "Earth" That's Out Of This World...

The Kepler space telescope has confirmed the existence of a planet 600 light years away that’s been nicknamed “Earth 2.0” because out of thousands of planets, it’s the only one we’ve found that is much like Earth: It’s over twice as big and has a year of only 290 days, but it’s in the “habitable zone” orbiting a star like ours and the average temperature is in the 70’s.  

- Ironically, the telescope also showed thousands of “Foreclosure” signs all over “Earth 2.0”.

- Sounds like a great “vacation destination”… as long as you can convince your boss to give you 600 light years off.  

- Al Gore is filming a new documentary covering his long journey to the newly found planet called, “An Inconvenient Trip”.  

Queen Feeling Financial Pinch: Prince Phillip Fears Loss Of "Family Jewels"!

The global finanacial crisis is even hitting home (or should I say “castle”) with Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II.  Due to tough economic times, the British government is cutting back the Queen’s Salary (to just $50 million a year) and her majesty will reportedly rent out rooms in the Palace for cash during the upcoming Olympics. They say the Queen is actually walking around the Palace turning off lights and turning down the thermostat.  

- She’s also encouraging everyone to cut down on the amount of toilet paper they use after sitting on the Royal Throne.  

- Prince Charles is doing his part: He fired Camilla’s groomer and his brushing her mane himself! 

"Cop Gone Wild!"

A Florida police officer was under covert investigation for allegedly paying for sex in his patrol car with cash and cocaine. But when he got wind of the investigation, he allegedly pointed his gun at fellow cops and threatened to keep them from talking by saying, “What would you do if I shot you?”. 

- At his police station maybe they were just playing a game of “Good Cop, Bad Cop” and it got out of hand.

- Didn’t Barney Fife do this once on an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show”?

Go Ahead And Drink! Now Your Boss Will Never Know!

Fastcompany.com is marketing a high-tech solution to keep you from being caught in embarrassing photos while out enjoying a few cocktails. “Photoblocker” is a beer holder with a build-in-photo flash and electronics that detrect when any digital camera flash is about to go off in the vicinity. At the exact second a flash goes off, the beer holder sets off a counter-flash. The resulting photo shows nothing but an overexposed blob of light.  

- If they had these back in my college days, today I wouldn’t have a single picture of any of the guys I hung out with!  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1923, Calvin Coolidge gave the first presidential address broadcast on radio. 

- In the hour the networks alloted him, they insisted that he “keep it short” and get in at least 15 songs.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget… you can now order your copy (copies) of my latest (and last) CD - “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” right now just by clicking on the blue CD ad on this website! At just $19.99 it makes a perfect stocking stuffer (and to be honest, I think it’s cheaper than coal!)  You don’t have to wait in line or get spritzed with 17 different colognes you can’t stand to get it - and it benefit’s two great Michigan Military charities! So go ahead… click away right here at DickPurtan.com! 

-Dick

Lions Lose To Saints... As Not-Such-A-Saint Announced As Superbowl Halftime Performer!

In their second nationally televised appearance this season - the Lions lost 31-17 to New Orleans. 

Meanwhile, it was announced during the game that the entertainer at the upcoming Superbowl will be Michigan’s own Madonna.  Now I know it’s a long shot… but if the Lions can get their act together, get a wild card slot and somehow make it to the Superbowl, Madonna could sing “Like A Virgin” and dedicate it to our boys in Blue who would be making their “first time” appearance at the big event! Whataya think the chances are? 

Cain: "I'm Innocent And Therefore I'm Calling It Quits."

Saturday, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign amidst allegations of sexual harrassment and a 13-year affair with an Atlanta woman.  But Cain was defiant to the end, branding all of the womens’ claims “false and baseless”, and calling politics a “dirty, dirty business”.  He added that will continue fighting to defeat Obama and said, “the pundits would like for me to shut up, drop out and go away. I am not going to be silenced, and I’m not going away.”

- Call me crazy… but isn’t that exactly what he just did?!

- Admittedly it’s tough to “go away” when your wife has you on a short leash. 

"The Wheels On The School Board Go Way Out Of Bounds..."

Two bizarre events in the news have me thinking our schools are getting a little too “PC”.  First, a nine year old boy in North Carolina was suspended for two days for calling his teacher “cute”.  The Principal of his elementary school said it constituted “sexual harrassment”. Meanwhile in Boston, a 7-year-old has been accused of sexual harrassment after he knee-ed another kid in the groin.  BTW… the little boy did it while trying to fight off a bully who was choking him on a school bus. 

- Both of the kids held press conferences announcing that due to the allegations they have suspended their campaigns for “President of the Student Council”. 

- It’s a good thing they can’t arrest you for thoughts… I thought my second grade teacher, “Mrs. Tennent” was hot!

Good News! You're Kids May NOT Be Sending Naked Pix Of Themselves To Friends!

We’ve been led to believe that today’s teenagers are constantly sexting nude photos of themselves via the Internet and cell phones, but that might be overblown. While previous studies showed that about 20% of kids “sexted”, a University of New Hampshire study of kids age 10 to 17 found that only 1% shared nude images of themselves or others.   

-So they’re the real 1%! Where are all the “Occupy George Washington Middle School” Protesters? 

- A similar study found that nearly 80% of Congressional members send naked pictures of themselves to people.  

Don't Mess With Grandma!

Last Friday, at NY’s Kennedy airport, 85-year old Lenore Zimmerman of Long Island was afraid to go through the scanner because she thought it might interfere with her defibrilator, so she asked for a patdown instead. The 4’ 11” grandmother claims she was taken to a private room and strip searched. The TSA denies it, but she said they “pulled my pants down and then pulled down my underwear.  If that’s not strip-seaching I don’t know what else you’d call it.” She added, “They’re lying to protect their asses because they’re afraid of being sued - and they WILL be sued.” 

- Will she win?  That Depends… 

- In their defense, TSA agents did find some packets of Sweet ‘n Low tucked in her underpants. 

- She was mad, but admited that it was the most action she’d gotten since Nixon was in office.  

Former Miss USA: Too Much "Crown" Royal?

Dearborn’s own Rima Fakih, Miss USA 2010 was arrested on suspision of drunk driving in Highland Park over the weekend. Ironically, she had appointed herself as the “designated driver” after deciding her companion was too drunk to drive, only to realize too late that she was intoxicated too. 

- Police said she may not have been able to walk a straight line, but she did smile and wave during the whole thing. 

- At first the cops thought she had a giant Crown Air Freshener in the car, but it turns out it was actually a real crown! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1929, the first American nudist organization, the American League for Physical Culture opened in New York City. 

- Immediately afterward, the first-ever game of Volleyball broke out. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And with the holidays fast appproaching, don’t forget to reserve your copy (copies!) of the my new and final CD, “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” today! It’s just $19.99 and benefits two outstanding Michigan Military charities!  It contains 40 of my favorite character bits and things that happened during my last few years on the air. Just click on any one of the blue CD ads on this website and start crossing people off your “still haven’t bought for list”! 

-Dick