Purtan Podcast #21: A Cavalcade of Celebrities!

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #21… Today we welcome a virtual calvacade of celebrities to my dining room table.  Tom Brokaw, George W. Bush, Rodney Dangerfield, Coleman Young and I-can’t- remember-who-else sits down to discuss everything from bad calls in sports (the refs at last weekends Michigan game - hello!) to the San Diego Charger who was caught on TV peeing on the field. Speaking of which, we’ll tell you how pickle juice could be the new miracle cure for a common health problem and we’ll explore just how many times a day men and women really think about sex. As for the picture of my bare leg above my sock that you see below… it’s an actual recreation of a fashion faux paux I made on TV last week.  Details are all in the podcast! 

And with Christmas and the holdiays fast approaching, we explain how you can reserve your copy (or copies) of my new (and last) CD — “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10”.  It’s only $19.99 and benefits two terrific Michigan Military charities!  What’s on it you ask?  40 of my favorite character bits and on-the-air stories never before released on any of our previous “Best Ofs” taken from the last few years leading up to my sign off.  It makes a great inexpensive stocking stuffer for you or anyone on your gift list who was a fan of the show!  Just click on the blue CD ad on this page to reserve yours today… It’s easier than Lindsay Lohan after a night at the bar! 

Hope you enjoy the Podcast — and I hope you’ll help us give back to the incredible men and women of our armed services, both past and present!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #21:  A Calvalcade of Celebrities  (31 min. 29 sec.)

Baba Wawa To Weveal Most Fascinating Pewrson Of 2011!

Barbara Walters revealed most of the names she’s chosen for her “10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 Special”. They include Derek Jeter, Simon Cowell, Donald Trump, Katy Perry, royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton and the Kardashians, described as “American Reality Royalty”.  As always, her #1 choice for most fascinating person is a secret.

- If she picks Justin Bieber, I’m moving to Canada.  

- The names weren’t given in any specific order, but I’m pretty sure the Kardashians will be bringing up the rear.

- I’m hoping for an “behind the scenes” look at Pippa Middleton! 

Herman Cain: One Sass Act!

Despite numerous claims of sexual harrassment and the latest claim of a 13-year extramarital affair, GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain is hanging in there.  He says he’s conferring with his family on whether or not to stay in the race, but says he’s a fighter and has a lot of “sass”. 

- If the rumors are true, isn’t that the problem?  The occassional “piece of sass”? 

- A lot of people say it’s time for a woman in the White House… and it looks like Herman Cain would bring tons of them!  

Scientology Cruise Ship: "We'll Always Have Paris..."

Former Scientologist Valeska Paris of Switzerland told ABC News that she was held prisoner on board the Church’s luxury “cathedral” cruise ship the Freewinds, for 12 years.  She went to work on the ship “for two weeks” when she was 18 but claims her passport was confiscated, she was told she’d signed a contract binding her to Scientology for a billion years, and made her work below deck for more than a decade. A Church spokesperson said her claims are “totally false” and that the Scientology Cruise Ship is “a wonderful place!”

- Disneyworld’s a wonderful place too… but I wouldn’t want to stay there for 12 years.

- She was actually only held captive for six years, but they forced her to watch Tom Cruise movies every night so it SEEMED like 12 years.

- They’re the only cruise line who offer 4-night, two-week, or twelve year cruises!

Hey Guys "Listen Up"!

A new study shows that the men who connect to the internet wirelessly on their laptops and put them close to their… laptops… may run into fertility problems.  Scientists put a sample of sperm under a laptop and hit the download button.  Seveal hours later, they found that 25% of the sperm under the computer had stopped swimming compared to 14% kept away from the computer.   

- Big Al says he’s going to continue using his laptop to “surf the net”… but only until his little fellas need water-wings. 

- IN RELATED NEWS… Researchers were surprised to discover that each of the sperm was wearing a Speedo.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1891, Philadelphia coach James Naismith invented the game of basketball by giving students a soccer ball and nailing peach baskets to each end of the school gym.

- And to this day, basketball players have been nailing anything they can get their hands on.   

Have a great day… and don’t forget that you can reserve your copy (or copies!) of my latest (and final!) CD - “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” right now and get it in plenty of time for Christmas and the holidays! The CD contains 40 of my favorite character bits from my last few years on the air, and proceeds benefit two great Michigan Military charities!  It’s just $19.99 and - unlike a holiday sweater - it’s “one size fits all”! Just click on any one of the blue CD ads on this website to get in on the fun and help our men and women in uniform, both past and present!  

-Dick 

Conrad Murray: Losing Sleep Over Jail Sentence?

Yesterday, an LA judge sentenced Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, to the maximum four years in jail for involuntary manslaughter, calling him a disgrace to the medical profession.  Due to California rules, he’ll serve his time in the LA County Jail - where most celebs go - and not a federal prison. 

- Lindsay Lohan was totally pumped, saying she can’t wait to get arrested again so she can try Propofol! 

- So Conrad Murray took it on the chin, as opposed to Michael Jackson who took it on several dozen different noses. 

- Now that Jack Kevorkian is gone, Conrad Murray will now be known as “Dr. Death - The Sequel”.  

Cain A Bodybuilder Save Herman's Campaign?

With his poll numbers falling and a new accusation of a 13-year affair that he’s denied, Herman Cain says he’s “reassessing” his run for President.  Meanwhile, a female bodybuilder who used to be a buisness partner of Cain’s alleged mistress, Ginger White, spoke out, saying hat she successfully sued White for libel for telling defamatory lies that harmed her career and reputation. She added that the two were close, and in all that time, Ginger never even mentioned Cain’s name.

- Well maybe she forgot it!

- Maybe to Ginger he was just the pizza “delivery guy”.

- Cain added, “I did not have sex with that woman… the body builder… although she looked pretty hot when I saw her on TV!”  

Perry's Counting On You... Even Though He Can't Seem To Count!

Rick Perry told New Hampshire college students that if they’ll be 21 by the primary election, he wants their vote. And if they won’t, he told them to “just work hard.” What he didn’t realize is that the voting age in New Hampshire has been 18 since 1971.  

- Hey he remembered that he was in New Hampshire and that he wanted people to vote for him… Two out of 3 ain’t bad! 

Are You Thinking About Sex Right Now?

It’s commonly believed that men think about sex every seven seconds, but according to a new report out of OSU, that’s completely false.  A study of 238 college students found that even men of that age think about sex 19 times a day followed by food (18 times a day) and sleep (11 times a day). They think this may prove that men aren’t sex-obsessed, they just think about bodily functions more than women do. 

- And this is NEWS to people?   

Meanwhile, the study found that female students think about food 15 times a day, and sex 10 times. 

- For women, sex is like Thanksgiving Dinner… you spend hours getting ready for it, and it’s over in less than two minutes. 

Alarming News Out Of NBC!

Last night, during the east coast live feed of the NBC Nightly News, Brian Williams was just starting a story when a loud fire alarm went off in the studio.  He plowed on, reassuring viewers and trying to be heard over the blaring fire alarm through stories on Hermain Cain and other topics. It finally shut off about 3/4 of the way through. Viewers complimented Williams on how unflappable he was during the long, loud alarm. 

- A similar thing happened here in Detroit once when Bill Bonds lit a cigarette during a commercial break and his hair piece caught on fire.  

- This is the same technique CBS used to tell Katie Couric, “You’re FIRED!” 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1977, in one of the oddest duets in music history, Bing Crosby sang “The Little Drummer Boy” with David Bowie on Bing’s Christmas TV special.   

- When Bing first saw Bowie, he said, “Wow… Rosemary Clooney has lost a lot of weight!”   

Have a great day… don’t forget to click on any one of the blue ads to reserve your copy of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10”… and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

NFL "Stomps" On Suh's Salary!

BULLETIN: NFL suspends Lions’ star defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh for two games without pay for stomping incident during Thanksgiving Day game.  It will cost him the tidy sum of $165,294 — the equivalent of 2/17th’s of his base salary.  No anger management required.  (Apparently NFL fearful that would make him mad!)

SEMI-BULLETIN:  Ohio State hires Urban Meyer as new head football coach. He led the Florida Gators to two national championships! (Oooooooh… we’re scared!)

The Gennifer Flowers Of 2011?

Yesterday, Herman Cain broke his own scandal, telling CNN he’d heard an Atlanta woman was about to claim they’d had a 13-year affair.  He said the woman was a friend and that he’d helped her financially, but that they’d never had a sexual relationship.  The woman, Ginger White, said she only came forward because of media-hounding and that there was no harassment or assault, just a consensual relationship. 

- She added Cain is a “true conservative”… in the bedroom. 

- Bill Clinton said, “I finally found a Republican I can relate to!”

- Cain’s staff says it’s all part of a plot to derail his campaign… they call it “Swift-Booty-ing”.

But so far, there’s no hard evidence. White’s history includes a bankruptcy, a sexual harrassment claim, a defamation case against her and several recent evictions.  She does have records of many phone calls from Cain but no recordings, and two autographed books of his, but his inscriptions weren’t very personal.  

- The inscriptions weren’t personal, but the books were “The Kama Sutra” and “The Joy of Sex”.  

"Fred" Involved With "Barney"?

Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank announced that after 32 years in Congress, he won’t run for reelection next year.  The openly gay Frank is a hero to liberals, but conservatives blame him for helping crash the economy by blocking reforms to mortgage giants Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac. Frank says he “wants to do other things” while Newt Gingrich says he “should go to jail”.  

- The person who replaces him will get the best-decorated office on Capitol Hill!  

- We know one thing for sure: He’s not stepping down because some woman accused him of having an affair with her. 

Chargers #9 Caught Going #1...

Views of Sunday’s San Diego-Denver NFL game on CBS saw more than they bargained for.  With the score tied at 13-13, the sportscasters began discussing whether the Chargers would call in kicker Nick Novak to try for a field goal. The camera cut to Novak, but instead of seeing him preparing for a kick, viewers saw him crouching down and peeing on the field. BTW… someone did hold up a towel to give him a little privacy. 

- Refs immediately threw a yellow flag on the play. 

- Apparently Novak is the only one who took the cheerleaders chant of “Go Team, Go!” seriously. 

- No word yet on whether he’ll be penal-ized for “illegal use of hands”. 

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Humvee..."

For the second year in a row, the Scottsdale, AZ Gun Club is offering photos with Santa… and your choice of guns.  Kids and grown-ups alike can pose with Santa holding their choice of anything from pistols to assault rifles, grenade launchers, AK-47’s or an $80,000 machine gun. Critics are appalled, but the Gun Club says it’s “good family fun” for people who want to show their holiday spirit and their passion for weapons. It’s so popular that this year they’ve doubled the price of photos to $10. 

- But the photographer guarantees “A great shot!”

- Naughty kids in Arizona don’t worry about getting coal in their stocking… they worry about getting blown away by Santa. 

- If things go well this year, they’re thinking of doing the same thing at Target. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, India officially abolished the concept of “untouchability”.

- CHEAP PLUG:  Speaking of “untouchablility”… don’t forget to “reach out and touch” your computer to reserve your copy of “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People Vol. 10” CD in time for Christmas! Just click on any one of the blue CD ads on this very website to make your purchase! It’s just $19.99 and benefits two Michigan Military charities! The CD, my final one, features 40 character bits and conversations from the last few years I was on the air!  It’s a great stocking stuffer, Secret-Santa, Hannukah and/or “Festivus” gift!  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Wednesday! 

-Dick

Just Click Your Mouse... And Say, "They're's Nothing Like Dick Purtan's New Best Of CD!"

It’s Cyber Monday… and if you’re like a lot of Americans, you’re going to spend a lot of time on the Internet today - as proven by the fact that you are reading this right now! Before you hunker down with your holiday gift list and spend hours searching for a great, affordable gift for you (or your Uncle Fred or a co-worker who was a fan of the show), LOOK NO FURTHER!  

We’ve got what you need right here at DickPurtan.com!  

Because right now, you can reserve your copy (or copies) of my brand-spanking new CD “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People Vol. 10” for just $19.99!  You heard me right! Just $19.99! The CD - the 10th and last in a collection that started more than 20 years ago - contains 40 of my favorite character bits and conversations from my last few years on the show.  It’s the greatest stocking stuffer since the invention of the Chia Pet and you don’t even have to water it! Just click on the blue ad here at DickPurtan.com to reserve your copy or copies today! Proceeds benefit two great Michigan Military charities: Operation Homefront Michigan & Honor Flight Michigan: The Legacy Project. So you’ll not only get a few laughs, you’ll be helping to “Honor Our Past and Support The Present”.  

And for information on a special party the Charities are hosting - and I’m emceeing - go to Make a Reservation. 

Thanks!

-Dick 

"Black Friday" Sparks Big Sales And Plenty Of Violence!

“Black Friday” and “Black Friday Weekend” both set sales records in the billions - good news for retailers. But there was bad news in several places when bargain-crazed mobs of shoppers shoved each other and turned violent.  In Oregon, women got into a catfight over lingerie at Victoria’s Secret, and in LA a woman pepper sprayed about 20 other Walmart customers to get ahead in line for discounted Xbox 360 sets.

- The woman said she got the idea from the Bible when the Three Wise Men brought, “Gold, Pepper Spray, and Myrrh”. 

- You never hear about this kind of stuff happening at the “Hickory Farms Summer Sausage & Cheese Sampler” Stand at the mall.

- One man who witnessed the catfight at Victoria Secret said, “It IS The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!”