It's A Bird... It's A Plane... It's A Totally Ineffectual Super Committee!

With their Thanksgiving deadline just days away, the alleged “Super Committee” of six Democratic and six Republican Congress members has as much as admitted that after months of meetings, they have failed to agree on a way to cut the deficit by $1.2 Trillion over the next decada. The D’s blame the R’s for refusing to raise taxes on the rich, while the R’s accuse the D’s of being obsessed with raising taxes. 

- Now we have something else to be grateful for on Thanksgiving… That the committee will be disbanded. 

- Rumor has it, after all this time they still haven’t even agree on their “Super Secret Handshake”!

Congress is on a 10-day break this week.  Bottom line:  The Super Committee’s failure to reach a deficit deal means that automatic spending cuts will be imposed — but not until January 2013. That is, unless Congress takes action to prevent it.  

- So basically, Congress just got a free pass to do nothing for another year!  

It Could Have Been A Recipe For Disaster...

Police in New York arrested Jose Pimentel, a Domican-born convert to Islam who they believed was plotting to make pipe bombs from plans he got out of al Qaida’s magazine, “Inspire”. They say they’ve been following him for years and that the public was never in danger. Jose’s family grew concerned when he announced he wanted to change his name to “Osama Hussein”. 

- If only he’d subscribed to “Bon Apetit”… he could have gotten a killer recipe for “Death by Chocolate”. 

- Relatives of the former Libyan dictator Gadhafi, have put a hit out on Jose for not trying to change his name to “Osama Moammar Hussein”. 

She Should Have Known When Her Butt Beeped Everytime She Backed Up...

Police in Florida arrested Oneal Ron Morris, a former man-turned-woman, on charges of impersonating a plastic surgeon. He/She is charged with making a woman sick by giving her a home butt-enhancing injection that contained a mixture of cement, mineral oil, Super Glue and the chemical from a can of “Fix-A-Flat”. Morris has a cartoonishly huge rear end and hips, and told police that she’d performed the same procedure on herself.

- She’s also accused of inserting beer cans in a man to give him “six-pack abs”. 

- The victim realized she’d been injected with cement when her husband’s hand prints stayed on her butt permanently.  

- Finally! An explanation for Kim Kardashian! 

- I would think she would have used “Fix-A-Flat” doing boob jobs. 

"Sleep Texting?" What A Nightmare!

Sleep expert Dr. Marcus Schmidt tells MSNBC that he’s seeing a dramatic increase in “sleep texting”. Sufferers grab their cell phones and send text messages in their sleep. They don’t realized they’ve done it until recipients ask why they were sent baffling texts in the middle of the night.  One conservative woman was shocked to discover she was “sexting” and sending naughty photos of herself in her sleep. Dr. Schmidt says sleep deprivation could be the culprit. 

- Let’s just hope Barney Frank gets plenty of rest.  

- Anthony Weiner and Kwame Kilpatrick immediately announced that they have been diagnosed with the syndrome. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1980, more than 83 million TV viewers tuned in to “Dallas” to find out “Who Shot J.R.”

- SPOILER ALERT… In case you haven’t seen the episode yet, STOP READING NOW. It was Kristin, played by Mary Crosby.  

Also on this date in in 1877, Thomas Edison announced the invention of the phonograph.  The first record ever recorded was Edison reciting “Mary Had A Little Lamb”.  

- He put a drum loop behind it and from that day forward was known as Rapper ‘Lil Tom Tom.   

Have a great day… and don’t forget to click on any of the “CD ads” on this page to reserve your copy of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” today! 

See you right back here tomorrow and thanks!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #19: Goodbye To Regis... And Hello To My New "Best Of" CD!

It’s the weekend… and our latest Podcast (#19) is up! Friday, Regis Philbin signed off after a record-breaking 16,700 career hours on television! After saying goodbye he, of course, stopped by my dining room table to discuss what’s next for him. We also talked about two pilots in the news: One whose trip to the airplane’s onboard bathroom caused a terrorist scare, and another who literally ran out of gas and took up a collection from passengers to pay for fuel to continue their flight! Plus, I’ll tell you about my back (which is out) and speaking of “out”… I’ll tell you exactly how you can reserve your copy of my new CD, “The Best of Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” starting this coming Monday, November 21st, right here at DickPurtan.com!  It contains 40 of my favorite character bits and conversations from my last few years on the air and is just $19.99. Proceeds benefit two great Military charities: “Operation Homefront Michigan” and “Honor Flight Michigan: The Legacy Project”. These two fine organizations have teamed up to throw a party during the Holidays and you’re invited!  

For details… see the flyer below! 

Have a great day and enjoy the podcast! 

Podcast #19: Goodbye to Regis… and Hello to my new “Best of CD”!  (24min. 30 sec.) 

Kwame Thought He Was On A Roll In The Men's Room!

How’d you sleep last night? I’ll bet it was better than Kwame! Yesterday, new allegations were made against his dishonor in an updated racketeering conspiracy indictment against him and a few of his friends.  Among them: They threatened witnesses with violence, withheld city funds from firms who wouldn’t “pay to play” and that Kwame personally accepted a $10,000 kickback in a restaurant bathroom.  

- Kwame says he gave the $10,000 to the bathroom attendant as a tip for getting him a towel. 

- The Feds were tipped off by a sign in the bathroom reading, “Guests must give the Mayor a lump sum of cash before returning to their table!”

But Will The IRS Agent Say "Enjoy!"?

Yesterday, a group of wealthy liberals wearing name tags that read “Patriotic Millionaire” lobbied Congress to raise their taxes.  Grover Norquist, creator the the “anti-tax pledge” said, “If you think the federal government can spend your money better than you can, by all means pay more than you owe!” He also suggested that the IRS add something to tax forms like the tip line on a restaurant check. 

- So make sure you do your taxes during lunch time so you’ll only have to tip 15%! 

- The IRS is kind of like a restaurant… except they expect you to bring your own bread to the table, then they take most of it away. 

Perry Calls For Part-Time Congress: Congress On Vacation, Unavailable For Comment.

GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate next Monday. On the agenda: his proposal to reduce Congress to a part time schedule.

- And that would be different from their current schedule how?  

- So Perry has three things he wants to do next week: Debate Nancy Pelosi, celebrate Thanksgiving, and… and… um…”

Are You A Pill Popper?

A study of prescription records by Medco Health Solutions found that in 2010, 20% of American adults and over 25% of women took at least one psychiatric or behavioral drug like Xanax, Valium or Ritalin.  

- Researchers were shocked at the findings until they popped a couple Xanax and suddently it just didn’t seem so bad. 

- The study also revealed that use of Viagra was on the rise. 

A Little Slice Of Heaven!

ATTENTION: Salvation Army Pie Sale!

“The Girl Guards” of the Royal Oak Salvation Army are having their 21st annual Holiday Pie sale starting Wednesday evening, November 23 - Thanksgiving Eve! There are five varieties available and each pie is made with tender loving care by girls ages 11 to 18.  Reserve your order by calling (248) 585-5600 or (248) 990-5607 today! 

Pumpkin - $8

Apple Crumb & Pecan - $9

Sugar-free Apple Crumb - $10.  

All pies (except Pecan) can be ordered unbaked and frozen to enjoy throughout the Holiday Season!  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1968, NBC made the dumbest TV decision ever, when they cut away from the lat minute of a major Jets-Raiders football game to show the kiddie movie “Heidi”. The Raiders scored twice in nine seconds to come back and win.  

- The second worst decision was made last Sunday when they kept the Lions-Bears game on right through to the end!  

Have a great day… and remember that starting next Monday, November 21st, you can reserve your copy of “The Best of Purtan - Vol. 10” - my final CD - right here at DickPurtan.com.   

See you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

Protesters Have To Take It Sitting Down!

A New York State Supreme Court Justice ruled that the First Amendment doesn’t give “Occupy Wall Street” protesters the right to bring tents and sleeping bags back into Zuccotti Park and live there. They were allowed back into the park, but were not allowed to lay down. If they wanted to sleep, they had to do so while standing or sitting up on stone park benches.

- I became an expert on “sleeping while sitting up” doing a morning radio show for all those years! 

- They’ve decided to “Occupy Art Van” instead so at least they can fall asleep sitting up in a nice recliner.

No Baby For The Bieb!

Mariah Yeater, the California woman who claimed that Justin Bieber fathered her child during a 30-second sexual encounter after a concert last year, has dropped her case.  No reason was given… but it might have to do with the fact that Bieber had offered to take a paternity test.

- Which would have made for the most exciting episode of “Morey Povich” ever!!!

- There go the plans for a new reality show called “Conceive It To Bieber”.

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT:  Justin’s Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather fought with the Minutemen in the Revolutionary War… He was known as the “Half-A-Minute Man”.

Another Reason Not To Have Sex With Animals...

Believe it or not, Brazilian researchers actually studied the downside of having sex with animals. And according to them, it doubles your risk of developing cancer of the Penis.

- Unless, of course you’re a woman. 

- And of course the cigarette you share with the sheep afterwards isn’t good for you either. 

NEWSFLASH: Rick Perry Remembers What He Wants To Say!

Yesterday, Rick Perry unveiled the most radical reform program of the GOP candidates yet. His proposals include the now famous “eliminating the Departments of Education, Commerce and… uhhhhhhh… Energy. Oops!”, ending lifetime appointments for federal judges, and partially privatizing airport security. 

- Don’t most of us get “privatized” everytime we go through airport security already?  

Perry said Washington has gotten so off track, it can’t be fixed; it’s got to be uprooted, dismantled, replaced and rebuilt. 

- Even if you don’t agree with him, you have to give him credit for remembering all four of those words! 

Wanna Know A Secret?

A study of 3,000 women in Britain found that the average woman can keep a secret for no longer than 32 minutes. In fact, 10% of women surveyed said they were unable to keep any secret, no matter how personal or confidential it was.

- The one exception:  Sharon Bialek who kept her secret about Herman Cain sexually harrassing her for more than 10 years!

- The results of the survey weren’t supposed to be released until next week, but the woman who conducted the survey couldn’t help herself!  

- Ironically, women who wear things from “Victoria’s Secret” are usuallly out of them in 32 seconds! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1380, King Charles VI of France declared an end to taxes. Forever.

- His decision came after a long sit-in by a group called “Occupy The Palace”.   

Have a great day and remember… “The Best of Purtan - Vol. 10” will be available for purchase starting Monday! To make it easy for you, there will be a picture of the CD cover right here at DickPurtan.com. Just click on it and it will take you directly to Amazon.com where can buy the CD for just $19.99! Two Michigan Military charities will benefit!

-Dick 

BREAKING NEWS!!! Dick Purtan to be on TV Today....Twice!!!

Hi, Big Al here from the DPN - Dick Purtan Newsroom.  Set your DVR’s, Dick will be appearing on Channel 4 this afternoon between 5:00 - 6:00 p.m. AND on Channel 7 this afternoon between 5:00 - 6:0 p.m.  (I expect he’ll be grilled by his anchor daughter Joanne)

Dick will be talking about the release of his all-new “Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People” CD Volume 10, available to purchase beginning Monday, November 21, 2011 at Amazon.com for $19.99. Proceeds helping to benefit two great Michigan military charities.   

Plus he’ll fill everybody in about his invitation to host a special event on Saturday evening, December 17th, 2011, “Honoring Our Past - Supporting the Present”, that will celebrate his final CD and the works of his charity partners - Operation Homefront Michigan and Honor Flight Michigan - The Legacy Project; with proceeds again benefiting both charitable organizations.

 

Don’t miss this great night to see Dick and say thank you to our men and women in uniform - past and present - for the sacrifices they’ve made, and continue to make, to protect our freedoms!  

Please click on the link below to reserve your place right now at the big December 17th event!…

To Make Reservations.  

Thank you…We now return you to the regularily scheduled Dick Purtan.com Blog.

From the Dick Purtan Newsroom, I’m Big Al Muskavito - good night!

Kwame's Headed To The Big House... (No, Not That One!)

Despite only being able to pony up $150 a month towards the $860,000 he still owes the city of Detroit in Restitution, Kwame Kilpatrick just “upgraded” to a 5000 sq. ft. home in a Texas suburb.  The Kwaminator, his wife Carlita and their three kids had been living in a 3500 sq. ft. home, but his dishonor said there just wasn’t enough room.  

- They need at least 1000 extra square feet just for his ego.  

- Once the Feds are through with him, he’ll be enjoying about 80 sq. feet of living space… with a really nice attached yard.