No Baby For The Bieb!

Mariah Yeater, the California woman who claimed that Justin Bieber fathered her child during a 30-second sexual encounter after a concert last year, has dropped her case.  No reason was given… but it might have to do with the fact that Bieber had offered to take a paternity test.

- Which would have made for the most exciting episode of “Morey Povich” ever!!!

- There go the plans for a new reality show called “Conceive It To Bieber”.

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT:  Justin’s Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather fought with the Minutemen in the Revolutionary War… He was known as the “Half-A-Minute Man”.

Another Reason Not To Have Sex With Animals...

Believe it or not, Brazilian researchers actually studied the downside of having sex with animals. And according to them, it doubles your risk of developing cancer of the Penis.

- Unless, of course you’re a woman. 

- And of course the cigarette you share with the sheep afterwards isn’t good for you either. 

NEWSFLASH: Rick Perry Remembers What He Wants To Say!

Yesterday, Rick Perry unveiled the most radical reform program of the GOP candidates yet. His proposals include the now famous “eliminating the Departments of Education, Commerce and… uhhhhhhh… Energy. Oops!”, ending lifetime appointments for federal judges, and partially privatizing airport security. 

- Don’t most of us get “privatized” everytime we go through airport security already?  

Perry said Washington has gotten so off track, it can’t be fixed; it’s got to be uprooted, dismantled, replaced and rebuilt. 

- Even if you don’t agree with him, you have to give him credit for remembering all four of those words! 

Wanna Know A Secret?

A study of 3,000 women in Britain found that the average woman can keep a secret for no longer than 32 minutes. In fact, 10% of women surveyed said they were unable to keep any secret, no matter how personal or confidential it was.

- The one exception:  Sharon Bialek who kept her secret about Herman Cain sexually harrassing her for more than 10 years!

- The results of the survey weren’t supposed to be released until next week, but the woman who conducted the survey couldn’t help herself!  

- Ironically, women who wear things from “Victoria’s Secret” are usuallly out of them in 32 seconds! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1380, King Charles VI of France declared an end to taxes. Forever.

- His decision came after a long sit-in by a group called “Occupy The Palace”.   

Have a great day and remember… “The Best of Purtan - Vol. 10” will be available for purchase starting Monday! To make it easy for you, there will be a picture of the CD cover right here at DickPurtan.com. Just click on it and it will take you directly to Amazon.com where can buy the CD for just $19.99! Two Michigan Military charities will benefit!

-Dick 

BREAKING NEWS!!! Dick Purtan to be on TV Today....Twice!!!

Hi, Big Al here from the DPN - Dick Purtan Newsroom.  Set your DVR’s, Dick will be appearing on Channel 4 this afternoon between 5:00 - 6:00 p.m. AND on Channel 7 this afternoon between 5:00 - 6:0 p.m.  (I expect he’ll be grilled by his anchor daughter Joanne)

Dick will be talking about the release of his all-new “Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People” CD Volume 10, available to purchase beginning Monday, November 21, 2011 at Amazon.com for $19.99. Proceeds helping to benefit two great Michigan military charities.   

Plus he’ll fill everybody in about his invitation to host a special event on Saturday evening, December 17th, 2011, “Honoring Our Past - Supporting the Present”, that will celebrate his final CD and the works of his charity partners - Operation Homefront Michigan and Honor Flight Michigan - The Legacy Project; with proceeds again benefiting both charitable organizations.

 

Don’t miss this great night to see Dick and say thank you to our men and women in uniform - past and present - for the sacrifices they’ve made, and continue to make, to protect our freedoms!  

Please click on the link below to reserve your place right now at the big December 17th event!…

To Make Reservations.  

Thank you…We now return you to the regularily scheduled Dick Purtan.com Blog.

From the Dick Purtan Newsroom, I’m Big Al Muskavito - good night!

Kwame's Headed To The Big House... (No, Not That One!)

Despite only being able to pony up $150 a month towards the $860,000 he still owes the city of Detroit in Restitution, Kwame Kilpatrick just “upgraded” to a 5000 sq. ft. home in a Texas suburb.  The Kwaminator, his wife Carlita and their three kids had been living in a 3500 sq. ft. home, but his dishonor said there just wasn’t enough room.  

- They need at least 1000 extra square feet just for his ego.  

- Once the Feds are through with him, he’ll be enjoying about 80 sq. feet of living space… with a really nice attached yard.  

This Story Is Not For The Nambi-Bambi...

Michigan’s Firearms Deer Hunting season officially began just before dawn this morning, with thousands of hunters in both the lower and upper pennisulas heading into the woods to bag themselves a buck. 

- Which means by now, there are probably more inebriated guys passed out on the grass than there were at “Woodstock”. 

More "Park"ing Problems In NYC...

This morning at 1:30 a.m. the NYPD movied into Zucotti Park, set up kleig lights and ordered the Occupy Wall Street portesters to grab their stuff and vacate.  They said the park has become a fire and disease hazard and had to be “cleared and restored”. Protesters linked arms, shouted “No retreat, no surrender,” and sang “We Shall Overcome” as they left. 

- Ironically, Zucotti Park isn’t any more disease filled than any other park in New York.

- Finally, the normal crazy people can have their park back!

Museum Dumps Saddam's Toilet From Exhibit!

The US Army military Police Museum in Missouri is displaying some artifacts from the overthrow of Saddam Hussein.  Exhibits include official documents and Saddam’s 500 pound cell door.  But they declined to display Saddam’s toilet.  Pressed as to why, a spokeswoman said, “We don’t have a reason, really, when it comes down to it.”

- I can think of a couple of reasons… #1 and #2. 

- Actually the male and female curators couldn’t agree on whether to display it with the seat up or down. 

- They are displaying the copies of People Magazine, “Dictator’s Quarterly”, and “Better Spider Holes and Gardens” that Saddam kept next to the toilet.

Are "Pedro & Buddy" The Next "Bert & Ernie"?

After being deluged with outraged calls and emails about their decision to separate two bonded male penguins, the Toronto Zoo announded that they will be reunited in the spring after mating season with females is over. The Zoo claims that “Buddy” and “Pedro” have a “social bond” that’s not necessarily sexual.  But many believe they are gay, leading to the term “Brokeback Iceberg”. 

- They may not be gay… but they sure are snappy dressers! 

- If Buddy and Pedro actually go both ways, would it be okay to call them “bi-polar”? 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus noted in his journal the use of tobacco by Indians, the first recorded reference to tobacco.  

- He later noted that they’d been smoking “Pocahontas Slims”. 

Have a great day… and don’t forget my new “Best of Purtan - Vol. 10” CD will be available starting next Monday, November 21st at Amazon.com! It features 40 of my favorite bits from the last few years before I retired and proceeds benefit two great military charities:  “Operation Homefront Michigan” and “Honor Flight Michigan - The Legacy Project”.  To read more about these two outstanding organizations and a special event coming up to celebrate their important works and the release of my CD, click on the following links: Operation Homefront Michigan and  Honor Flight Michigan.

See you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

One Week And Counting!

My final “Best Of” CD is coming out a week from today… November 21st! It contains 40 cuts taken from the last few years of my show.  It will cost $19.99 and will be available at amazon.com! Sales of the CD will benefit two great Michigan Military charities — Operation Homefront Michigan & Honor Flight Michigan: The Legacy Project. 

But wait… there’s more!  For information about a very special party being put on by the charities, that they have asked me and “Purtan’s People” to host, just click on the link below!  I hope to see you there! 

To Make Reservations

-Dick 

Things Tense at Tent Cities!

With disease and crime on the rise, several cities are finally starting to break up “Occupy Wall Street” tent cities. In Portland, one female protester who’d once been interviewed on MSNBC warned the cops that the world was watching and yelled, “I know Keith Olbermann!”

- Given Keith’s ratings, I’d say “the world is watching” might be a bit of an overstatement. 

- If she really wanted attention, she should have said she’d been sexually harrassed by Herman Cain.  

- Ironically, health officials say the diseases that have sprung up in the tent cities are so rare “they usually only affect 1% of Americans.” 

Michael Moore Visits "Tent Cities" While Wearing Tent...

Michael Moore has been visiting the protests to denounce the rich, and claim that he and protestors are all “wage slaves.” 

- He also stopped by to announce that “The McRib” is back at McDonalds but only for a limited time! 

She "Cain't" Believe He'd Do Such A Thing!

Herman Cain’s wife Gloria will give her first interview concerning the sexual harrassment allegations against her husband tonight on Fox News. In advance excerpts, Gloria said that after 43 years of marriage, she knows the kind of man her husband is, and “he totally respects women” She said, “He would have to have a split personality to do the things that were said.”

- So maybe her husband didn’t do those things!  It was actually that “Herman Cain” guy he keeps referring to in all his speeches. 

Sex: The New Botox?

If women want to look younger, they need to have more sex.  A hospital in Scotland discovered that women who have sex at least four times a week were scored by others as looking up to 10 years younger than their real ages. But another study found that only 30% have sex that often, and 66% say they do the horizontal mambo once a week or less. 

- Of course they look ten years younger!  They’re having sex four times a week because of all the plastic surgery they had to make them look ten years younger! 

- If the more sex you have, the younger you look, Madonna should look like she’s 14.  

Happy Birthday!

Britain’s Prince Charlies turns 63 today. 

- Princes William and Harry tried unsuccessfully to buy Saddam Hussein’s toilet so they’re dad would finally have a thrown to sit on.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1851, Herman Melville’s novel “Moby Dick” was first published. 

-  Larry Flynt’s great-great-grandfather was really disappointed when he found out it wasn’t a pop-up book.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #18: Perry, Paterno, & "The Best of Purtan - Volume 10 CD"

Today’s date is 11/11/11 - a numerical event that hasn’t happened since November 11, 1911 and won’t happen again for another hundred years!

On in this day in 1918, the Armistice  was signed, officially ending World War I — “The War to End All Wars” — if only!

Today of course we call this Veteran’s Day.  I hope you will join me in saluting all of the brave men and women - both past and present - who have served our country so selflessly to insure our freedom.  

And I’m happy to say that, as you’ll hear at the end of today’s Podcast, my new “Best of Purtan - Volume 10” CD (available November 21st on Amazon.com) will benefit two terrific Michigan Military charities — Honor Flight Michigan: The Legacy Project and Operation Homefront. In fact, they’re hosting a Christmas Party on Saturday night, December 17th and have asked me to be to be the honorary chairman along with “Purtan’s People”! If you’d like to attend the party just click on the “Reservations” link below.

Make A Reservation

Meanwhile… for more details about the CD, featuring 40 bits, conversations and characters from my last few years on the air, just listen to the Podcast! In today’s “Pod-i-sode” (is that a word?) we also touch on a wide range of other topics… from Rick Perry’s Texas-sized brain freeze to “Paternogate” with our special guest, Howard Cosell. Plus a showbiz round-up that includes Bill Bonds & Lady Gaga (btw…both of whom wear attractive hair extensions!) 

Have a great weekend and don’t forget to remember our Veterans!  

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #18: From Perry to Paterno to “The Best Of Purtan - Volume 10”  (23min. 8sec.)