Joe Biden Puts Foot In Mouth Again: Doctors Fear "Athlete's Tongue"

Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth again… and again… on Tuesday.  First, he said America should spend more on schools because our students are “the kite strings that lift our national ambitions aloft.” (The string actually holds a kite down).  Biden later said of people who oppose spending more money on public workers like the Police, that he wished they knew what if felt like to be robbed or raped, to have “a 200-pound man standing over you, telling you to submit.”

- Guess that last budget session he had with Barney Frank didn’t go as well as he’d hoped. 

- After hearing what the Veep had said, the President immediately signed an Executive Order requiring Biden to use a teleprompter at all public appearances.  

"We Didn't Mean We Wanted You To Re-Distribute OUR Wealth!"

The New York Post reports that the “Occupy Wall Street” protesters are complaining that thieves have infiltrated their camp in the park and are robbing them blind.  They’re stealing everything from cash out of the donation buckets to the protester’s cell phones and iPads.  

- But isn’t the whole idea to “Share the Wealth”? 

- Protest organizers immediately called in Tea Party members to catch and punish the crooks.

- It happened as the protesters were playing the old card game “Steal The Old Man’s Bundle”. 

Aliens Hot Topic At GOP Debate?

Last night, the GOP Presidential candidates held another debate, this time in Las Vegas in front of an audience that included Wayne Newton.  It was a snipe-filled free-for-all including attacks on Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” plan. But a lot of time was taken up by Perry and Romney bickering over Romney’s claim that half the jobs Perry created in Texas go to illegal aliens, and Perry’s charge that Romney once employed a landscaper at his mansion who hired illegal aliens. 

- A poll immediately after the debate showed they both got a huge bump among “Illegal Alien” voters. 

- It was exactly like an episode of Jerry Springer only without the chair throwing.

Carson Gets Boot On DWTS... And Enjoys It!

Last night, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s” Carson Kressley became the latest contestant to be voted off “DWTS”. The audience booed the move because even though he’s consistantly been one of the worst dancers technically, he’s so loopy and entertaining that he’s been called the “best worst dancer” the show’s ever had.  

- As opposed to Kate Gosselin who was known as the “worst worst dancer” the shows ever had. 

- He’s so flamboyant, he makes the “Village People” look like Donny & Marie and Pat Boone. 

Kwame's Not Gonna Like It When He Hears This!

A poll of over 2000 British adults by a computer magazine found that they think the most annoying tech-related word to enter the dictionary in the past year is “sexting”.  “Sexting” was given the magazines’s annual “Unspeakable Award” topping contenders “defriend,” “Twittersphere” and “intexticated.” The editor said that any word that can be voted more horrible that “intexticated” deserves an award. 

- The runner up for the “Unspeakable” Award went to “President Obama without his teleprompter”. 

- In a related tech story… Chaz Bono recently switched from a “She-mail” to a “He-mail” account. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1938, Buddy Ebsen was hospitalized after becoming seriously ill from the make-up he had to wear in “The Wizard of Oz”.  He was replaced by Jack Haley as the Tin Man.  

- After being released from the hospital, Ebsen loaded up his truck and he moved to Beverly… Hills that is… Swimmin’ pools… Movie stars.   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

50% Of Americans Don't Pan Pot!

According to a new Gallup poll, 50% of Americans now believe that marijuana should be legal.  That’s the highest number ever. 

- And by “highest”, I really mean “highest”. 

- The survey was co-sponsored by Doritos and Taco Bell.   

- So your grandpa is right when he says “This country is going to pot!”

There's Money To Be Made In Protesting Money Making!

Emails between the “Occupy Wall Street” protest organizers reveal that their excited about the idea of making money off their “anti-capitalism” movement.  Harrison Shultz, one of the head protesters excitedly noted that one of the protest’s YouTube clips had “Blown Up” and Google had invited him to monetize the clip by attaching ads to it.  He also wants to “commodify” the OWS website by selling ad space to corporations.  He called his plan “a Corporate Funded Revolution” and said it was so revolutionary, it’s almost an oxymoron.  

- ALMOST???

- I thought “commodify” meant they were going to bring in more Port-a-Potty’s for the protestors.

- Somebody should write a book about this guy’s idea… no wait, somebody already did… it was called “Animal Farm”.  

New App Provides "Arresting" Development...

A NY-based phone app developer has developed a new app to help “Occupy Wall Street” protestors who get arrested.  The free app, called “I’m Getting Arrested” allows people to pre-program it with the phone numbers of your parents, lawyer and anyone else you’d want notified if you were being cuffed.  Users simply hold down a single button for two seconds and everyone on your list will be alerted that you’ve been busted.  

- It’s already the second most downloaded app among protestors… right behind “Angry Birds”. 

- Before settling on “I’m Getting Arrested” they considered calling it “Lindsay Lohan”. 

"Muppets Gone Wild"?

Sunday afternoon, someone hacked into the “Sesame Street” YouTube Channel and replaced the Muppets with explicit porn videos.  By Monday, it was fixed and “Sesame Street” issued a statement saying that Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch and “the rest of the fuzzy, feathered, and googly-eyed friends you remember from childhood” were back.  

- Damn! We were this close to finding out if Bert and Ernie are really gay!

- Luckily, I had a chance to catch “Miss Piggy Does Dallas” before they took the site down. 

- So it turns out “Sesame Street” is in the red light district.  

- Turns out Kermit had a cameo in “Behind The Green Door”.  

But He's Totally Against Lois Lane Getting A Boob Job...

Herbert Chavez of the Philippines is such a fan of Superman, he’s had a slew of plastic surgery to look more like his hero.  He’s had liposuction, a rhionoplasty, silicone injections, thigh implants and a chin augmentation. Next up: surgery on his abdomen to make his abs look more like the Man of Steel’s.  BTW… he had a Superman costume as a child and still wears one today. He’s 35.

- Unfortunately, the eye surgery wasn’t successful… he still can’t see through women’s clothes.  

- As a kid I wanted to look like Superman too, but as I got older I decided to skip the plastic surgery and go with someone I more naturally resembled: Snidely Whiplash. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1870, Benjamin Chew Tilghman patented sandblasting.

- Today known in Hollywood as the “Burt Reynold’s/Bruce Jenner Procedure”.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!  

-Dick

P.S. Just a reminder… Comedian Bobby Collins will be appearing at the Comedy Castle this Thurday, Friday and Saturday!  For ticket info and reservations call 248-542-9900 or go to ComedyCastle.com.

Schwartz "Harbaughing" Grudge After Being Slapped Hard On Back By 49er's Coach Post-Game.

What happened after Sunday’s game against San Francisco is being replayed more than any moment from the game itself.  After giving Lion’s coach Jim Schwartz what the 49er’s coach Jim Harbaugh admitted was a “too hard” handshake and (if you’ve seen the tape) roughly pushing him away, Schwartz said Harbough also used expletives on him. Some say, angered, Schwartz also swore in response. The NFL is considering whether to fine one or both of them.  

Football is a tough and violent game.  After a bruising battle, I’ve always enjoyed watching the two head coaches shake hands in mid-field, one happy and the other, not so much.  It kind of wraps things up on a gentlemenly and professional note.  This kind of behavior by the so-called “cooler heads” - the ones not wearing the helmets -takes sportsmanship down a notch.  And it’s not the first time for ex-Wolverine, Harbough.  He did the same thing to Pete Carroll of USC a couple of years ago. Maybe they should start testing the coaches for steroids. 

That aside, on Sunday, the Lions looked average, not a 5-0 team.  Which are the real Lions? When push comes to shove I guess we’ll find out.  Oops… Bad analogy.  

Lady Goes Ga-Ga For Clinton's 65th Birthday!

Over the weekend, a star-studded charity rock concert was held at the Hollywood Bowl for Bill Clinton’s 65th birthday.  It included a steamy Marilyn Monroe-like “Happy Birthday to You” from Lady Gaga to Clinton and his “hot wife,” Hillary.  She also changed the words to her hit, “Bad Romance” to “Bill Romance”.  Clinton said, “I am the only person in history who got to be president, who then had a post-presidential birthday party attended by both Lady Gaga and the Secretary of State.”

- Although LBJ once had a party attended by his wife Lady Byrd and was serenaded by J. Edgar Hoover dressed in drag. 

- After the show, Hillary allegedly told Gaga, “I knew Marilyn Monroe, and you, Lady, are no Marilyn Monroe.”

Bill also added that he was afraid that Lady Gaga’s provocative performance was going to give him a heart attack. 

- To which Hillary added, “I’ve got my fingers crossed!” 

- Al Gore said the performance was so hot Lady Gaga should be fined for increasing Global Warming.

The Gap's Accountants Find Problems In Column "A" and Column "B"

In another sign of changing economic times, the Gap clothing chain announced that it would reduce the number of its stores in the US to 700 by 2013, which is a 34% decline since 2007.  Meanwhile, they plan to triple the number of Gap stores in China.  

- Of course over there the stores are called the “Moo Goo Gai Gap”.

- But we’ve still got more Chinese restaurants than they do! 

Need A High Paying Job? Become A Protester!

Money and donations are pouring in to the “Occupy Wall Street” protesters. Thanks to online donations from backers like Micheal Moore, they’ve amassed a war chest of $230,000.  According to the New York Post the protestors are spending a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with the cash.   

- Duh! They should just open an account at Merrill Lynch!  

- Many of the protestors have a donut for breakfast every morning so they’ve decided to sink the whole $230,000 in Dunkin’ Donuts stock.

The group has also received an amazing amount of care packages including everything from soap to brownies to tampons.  

- So now they can wash up, have a quick snack and go horseback riding!  

"Why Did The Women Cross Their Legs? So They Could Finally Get To The Other Side!"

Last June, the women of Barbacosa, Colombia, declared a “crossed legs” strike. They refusused to have sex until the government agreed to pave the 163-year-old horse trail that had left the town isolated.  The men laughed at first, but last week — 3 months and 19 days into the strike — heavy machinery arrived and work on the road began. That very day, triumphant women ended their strike. 

- We’ve heard of roads to nowhere… this definitely was a road to somewhere! 

- If the women of Michigan had a similar campaign, every pothole in the state would be filled within a week! 

"The Old And The Gourd"

A couple of unusual world records fell over the weekend.  First, Joel Jarvis of St. Thomas, Ontario claimed the title of “World’s Largest Squash” by growing a squash that weighs 1,486.6 pounds.  It’s been his dream since he was eleven. 

- I thought the world’s largest squash was the time Micheal Moore appeared on the “The View” and accidentally sat on Elizabeth Hasselback. 

And on Sunday, Indian-born Jauja Singh ran a 26-mile marathon in Toronto, likely winning the title of “The World’s Oldest Marathon Runner”.  Singh is 100 and didn’t start running until he was 80.  

- Instead of water bottles along the route, they gave him bottles of Ensure.  

- Before the race he carbs up on prune juice to make him run faster.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1949, Northwest Airlines became the first U.S. airline to serve booze during flights.  

- Making it that much easier for male passengers to get women to agree to join the “Mile High Club”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #14: We Skipped #13. People Say It's Bad Luck, But I Don't Believe That... Knock On Wood!!

Hey the weekend is here… and we’ve got the Tigers, Lions, Wolverines and Spartans all in the spotlight!  We’re also hoping to score with this week’s Podcast!  Today, Big Al and I go hi-tech with topics ranging from a Google App called “Is My Son Gay?” to how you can make a disturbingly accurate 3-D mask of your face down to the very last skin pore - zits and all!  It’s a new way to “preserve the way you look now for all eternity”. We also talk about the new hot trend:  “Silent Dancing”.  And you thought the Macarena was stupid! 

Have a great weekend!  Go Tigers! Go Lions! Go Blue! & Go Green (depending on your persuasion!)

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #14