Newsflash: Snake Eyes Could Get You Big Boobs!

The Trump Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City is holding a contest drawing at the end of October to win $25,000 worth of plastic surgery.  The contest had drawn criticism, but a spokeswoman for Trump Entertainment said the winner can opt to take the prize in cash instead.  

- Thousands of men all over New Jersey are suddenly encouraging their wives to take up gambling.  

- With $25 grand… you can get a plastic surgeon who will give you the “Best of the Breast!”

- They’re filming a new movie about the event called “Ocean’s 36DD” 

"Ay Caramba!" Are The Simpson's History?

“The Simpons” is the longest-running primetime comedy in history, but it’s 23rd season could be it’s last. With the major voice actors each making $8 million a year, Fox told ‘em they can’t afford to keep making the show unless they agree to a 45% paycut.  The cast reportedly offered to take a 30% cut in exchange for a piece of the mechandising pie, but Fox refused. 

- They’re cartoons.  Can’t Fox just erase them? 

- $8 million dollars a year is a lot of “D’oh!”

- Just what we need in this country… more “Homer-less” people. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1962, the Beatles’s first hit, “Love Me Do,” was released in England. 

- During their contract negotiations the Simpson character voice actors are singing “Love Me D’oh!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Two Down... One To Go!

The Tigers go for win number 3 against the Yankees tonight!  If they succeed, they’ll send the Bombers back to the Bronx! Opening pitch: 8:37! btw… even though Valverde’s prediction of a Tiger victory last night did come true, please… no more goading the Yankees!

He Shoulda Called Sam!!!

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who became know as the Underwear Bomber when he allegedly tried to detonate a bomb in his underpants on a crowded flight over Detroit on Christmas, goes on trial today. The prosecutors and defense will have a chance to question more than 200 potential jurors.  BTW… Umar is representing himself and is expected to use the platform to denounce America.

- Ya think?  

- Let’s hope he does as good a job defending himself as he did igniting the bomb in his pants. 

- If things don’t go his way, he going to switch from Jockey’s to Depends. 

- He’ll be the only “attorney” in the courtroom who actually carries his briefs in his briefs.  

Hank Williams Jr. Takes A Hit-ler For Controversial Comments

Last night, ESPN pulled Hank Williams Jr’s theme song, “All My Rowdy Friends,” from Monday Night Football over comments he’d made yesterday morning on “Fox & Friends”.  Williams mocked the “golf summit” between Obama and John Boehner as being like “Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu” and added that Obama and Joe Biden are “The Three Stooges”.  

- Even some Republicans took offense saying, “No they’re not!  They’re the TWO stooges!”

- Hitler wasn’t much of a golfer… he spent most of his time in a bunker.

Like A Virgin: Madonna To Make First-Time "Performance" At Superbowl?

There are reports that the NFL has decided to sign Madonna to do next year’s Superbowl halftime show, as a natural follow-up to last year’s sexy gyrations by Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas.  After the 2004 Janet Jackson “Wardrobe Malfunction” they tried going with “safer” acts like Paul McCartney and the Who.  But they believe Madonna is the perfect compromise.  She’s sexy, but she’s also 53 with a string of “less controversial” 80’s hits she can perform at the big game.  

- How far have we come when Madonna’s songs are considered “less controversial”? 

- Producers say they’ll also save a lot of money on pyrotechnics. They figure when she sings “Like a Virgin” she’ll be struck by a bolt of lightening.  

- As an added bonus this year, every ticket holder gets to sleep with her!   

NASA Encouraged By "Euro-peein'" Findings...

Scientists in the Netherlands have announced that they’ve identified the molecular mechanism by which certain germs turn an ingredient in urine into rocket fuel.  They said NASA had been excited in the 90’s when it was discovered that bacteria could turn urine into rocket fuel, but they found that it created such a small amount it was “nothing like enough to get to Mars.” They hope this new discovery will allow them to turn more urine into rocket fuel.  

- Now we’ll finally answer the age old question, “If you pee in space can anbody hear you?” 

- The request for applicants to pee in the rocket begins “Urine-vited…”

Spock Shock: How Will The Trekkies Live Long & Prosper Now?

Sunday, 80-year-old Leonard Nimoy told a 45th anniversary “Star Trek” convention in Chicago that it would be his last.  Instead of attending the conventions, Nimoy will concentrate on his more recent passion:  Nude art photography.  

- When he made the announcement, the “Trekkies” were all ears.

- Despite the loss of Nimoy, one male fan said he will continue, “To try and go where no male Star Trek Fan has gone before… On a date with a woman”.  

- As a parting gift to his fans, Nimoy explained why Mr. Spock never had children:  Vulcan-ized Rubbers.  

- William Shatner didn’t attend the convention because he couldn’t get a cheap enough flight on Priceline.com

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1535, the first complete English translation of the Bible was printed in Zurich, Switzerland.  

- Plans for a book signing were cancelled after they realized that none of the authors were alive.   

NOTE: The Taylor-based Information Center will hold hit’s 17th Annual Gala on Oct. 13th at the Crystal Gardens Banquet Center in Southgate. The private, nonprofit referral organization has been dedicated to bringing people and services together for 36 years.  Tickets are $75. Call 734-282-7171 or go to www.theinfocenter.info for details!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!  And go Tigers!!!!!

-Dick 

The Lions 4 and Oh! And Tonight The Tigers GO! GO! GO!

As Marvin Gaye said, “What’s Goin’ On?”  The Lions, Tigers, Wolverines and Spartans were all won this weekend. I’ve pinched myself so many times I’ve got bruises on my bruises.  Go everybody!!!!!

She Should Be "Barr"-ed From Opening Her Mouth...

Comedienne Roseanne Barr is running for President as an Independent, and her “positions” are interesting. She told “Russia Today” that she’s in favor of the return of the guillotine, and she believes in a maximum wage of $100 million. Roseanne said if bankers who were guilty of taking bailouts refused to give the government all their money over $100 mil, they should be sent to “reeducation camps”, and “if that doesn’t help,” then they should be beheaded.  

- What a kidder! Putin the Russians on like that!

- So she’s for capital punishment… but only for people who have to much “capital”. 

- Roseanne Barr and Marie Antoinette have a lot in common. Before she was beheaded, Marie said “Let them eat cake!” and Roseanne has eaten a lot of cake.  

Martha Stewart: "Mommie Weirdest"?

Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis has written a tell-all dedicated to her mom, but I doubt Martha’s gonna like it. Alexis says her mother had no parenting skills, isn’t “kid-friendly” and made her do everything over and over until it was perfect.  She said, “I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head.”

- Which explains the decorative brass & ribbon towel holder she has hanging from her ear! 

Alexis also claims that in reality, Martha’s house isn’t all that perfect.  She says Martha has a sign on the door telling guests to take their shoes off, even though the dogs relieve themselves all over her rugs.  And her Mom has a habit of leaving the bathroom door open when she pees.  Alexis says she begged Martha to close the door because it was so embarrassing when she had friends over. 

- Apparently Martha believes having teenage girls watch you pee “Is A Good Thing!”

- Maybe Martha just wanted everyone to know that she was #1… in  more than just the ratings. 

- In her defense, Martha let the dog poop air-dry, then shellacked it and turned it into “an adorable, one of a kind paper weight!”

"Shake It Up Baby... Twist & Slut!"

Young female protestors in New York took to the streets over the weekend in their scantiest outfits and lingerie for what they dubbed “SlutWalk”.  It was a protest against the NYPD warning women in Brooklyn, where there’s been a wave of sexual assaults, that short skirts and sexy attire provide “easy access” and may encourage rapists.  The movement started in Toronto when police remarked that women could prevent attacks if they stopped dressing “like sluts”.  Organizers say women can dress any way they want and that police should focus on the criminals, not them. 

- No arrests were made since none of the police could recognize any of the protestors faces during the line-up. 

- “SlutWalk”? Wasn’t that the original name for “Jersey Shore”?  

- This was the first time in history the police begged the protestors to handcuff them. 

New Threat In Skies: The Underwear Birder?

A Dutchman was stopped at an airport in French Guiana, after security agents noticed that he was fidgeting and acting suspicious.  They strip-seached him and found that he had over a dozen live hummingbirds hidden in his underwear.  Each was wrapped in cloth and tucked into its own special pouch to keep it from escaping. He’s believed to have a prior record for trying to smuggle tiny creatures.  

- He switched to smuggling Hummingbirds after an attempt with Woodpeckers went horribly wrong. 

- His ex-wife says he’s been flying with a “tiny creature” in his underpants for years.

- He should have just had the hummingbirds fly to their destination and he could have met them there! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1995, a Los Angeles jury acquitted O.J. Simpson of murder, an event that drew a record 91 percent of all TV’s in use, or 107.7 million viewers. 

- The next day there was a record spike in new TV purchases to replace the ones people had thrown heavy objects at.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #11 - Most Annoying Celebs, Beatles Rejected Toilet Paper, and Ahmadinejad "Unfriended"!

Welcome to the weekend! It’s been raining a lot recently - not just the wet stuff - but giant hunks of a “climate satellite”.  The man you see on this page, a relative of one of our e-mail club members (who for obvious reasons didn’t want to be identified) shows how he prepared for the event. In this weeks edition of our Podcast, we talk about that, plus, (GASP), women finally being being allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia… in four years! Also… how much would you pay for a roll of toilet paper rejected by the Beatles? And why al-Qaeda has “unfriended” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on facebook! 

Also… I give you details of “The Sheild On The Field” celebrity softball game I’ll be part of, a week from today, on Saturday, October 8th, from noon to 3pm at Clark Park by the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit.  It’s the official kick-off of the 25th Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon - the one I proudly founded and hosted for 23 years!  There’ll be hot dogs, face painting, and even a bounce house - and it’s all free!  Scroll down past the guy wearing a pot on his head for a look at the flyer.

Hope you enjoy the Podcast and GO TIGERS!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #11 - Kind Of A Rapid-Fire Look At Items In The News   (20min. 17sec.)

“The Sky Is Falling! The Sky Is Falling!”

Toying With Terrorism?

Yesterday, federal agents arrested Massachusetts musician Rezwan Feradus on terrorism charges. He hatched a plot to blow up the Pentagon and the Captitol with remote controlled toy planes, about the size of a sub-compact car, loaded with explosives. Agents posing as al-Qaeda members arrested him after he allegedly accepted what he thought were grenades, machines guns and C4 explosives. The weapons were fake. 

- He attempted to shoot the feds… but the foam Nerf bullets he used just weren’t that effective.  

- If you think his terror plot was bad, you should hear his music! 

What's Another Billion Here Or There?

Yesterday, the Obama Administration handed out another billion dollar-plus loan to two more green energy projects. This, despite the growing scandal over Solyndra, the solar panel company that blew through a $535 million taxpayer-backed loan and went belly up.  

- Obama’s 2012 re-election slogan will be “Can We Throw Good Money After Bad? YES WE CAN!”

- Basically “Gang Green” has set in…

Meanwhile, there are new revelations on what Solyndra spent the money on.  A neighbor described the factory they built in California as a high-tech, metal and glass Taj Mahal. The building was the size of five football fields, had glass walled conference rooms with cutting edge electronics, spa-like showers with liquid crystal displays of the water temp, and even robots that whistled Disney tunes.  

- They should have whistled “Muppet Tunes” like “It’s Not Easy Being Green”. 

- Apparently when they okayed the loan to Solyndra, the government was smoking “Dopey”. 

- I’d be “Whistling While I Work” too if someone gave me half a billion dollars! 

"It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World!"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has gone so far around the bend, he’s embarrassing fellow Islamic radical lunatics.  The latest issue of the Enlish-language al-Qaeda magazine “Inspire” features an article slamming Ahmadinejad for continually claiming that the US goverment was really behind 9/11.  The terrorist magazine called his claims “ridiculous” and said they fly against all facts and evidence.  They accused him of concocting 9/11 conspiracy theories because Iran is jealous of al-Queda. 

- Besides, they don’t want someone else getting the credit for killing thousands of innocent people.  

- It’s a sad state of affairs when even the maniacal terrorists can’t get along! 

- This happened during WWII when Hitler thought Mussolini had a nicer looking uniform than he did. 

- Ahmadinejhad better be careful!  You don’t wanna make those guys mad!