What's Another Billion Here Or There?

Yesterday, the Obama Administration handed out another billion dollar-plus loan to two more green energy projects. This, despite the growing scandal over Solyndra, the solar panel company that blew through a $535 million taxpayer-backed loan and went belly up.  

- Obama’s 2012 re-election slogan will be “Can We Throw Good Money After Bad? YES WE CAN!”

- Basically “Gang Green” has set in…

Meanwhile, there are new revelations on what Solyndra spent the money on.  A neighbor described the factory they built in California as a high-tech, metal and glass Taj Mahal. The building was the size of five football fields, had glass walled conference rooms with cutting edge electronics, spa-like showers with liquid crystal displays of the water temp, and even robots that whistled Disney tunes.  

- They should have whistled “Muppet Tunes” like “It’s Not Easy Being Green”. 

- Apparently when they okayed the loan to Solyndra, the government was smoking “Dopey”. 

- I’d be “Whistling While I Work” too if someone gave me half a billion dollars! 

"It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World!"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has gone so far around the bend, he’s embarrassing fellow Islamic radical lunatics.  The latest issue of the Enlish-language al-Qaeda magazine “Inspire” features an article slamming Ahmadinejad for continually claiming that the US goverment was really behind 9/11.  The terrorist magazine called his claims “ridiculous” and said they fly against all facts and evidence.  They accused him of concocting 9/11 conspiracy theories because Iran is jealous of al-Queda. 

- Besides, they don’t want someone else getting the credit for killing thousands of innocent people.  

- It’s a sad state of affairs when even the maniacal terrorists can’t get along! 

- This happened during WWII when Hitler thought Mussolini had a nicer looking uniform than he did. 

- Ahmadinejhad better be careful!  You don’t wanna make those guys mad! 

Bad Boy, Boy Toy!

Demi Moore and her husband Ashton Kutcher have allegedly separated after a woman came forward claiming Kutcher slept with her last Friday night - the night before Demi & Ashton’s sixth wedding anniversary. The couple isn’t commenting, but insiders say this isn’t the first time, and Demi has had it with Ashton’s “serial cheating”. 

- She’s also put him in a “Time Out” to think about what he did. 

- According to their pre-nup, in the event of divorce, Demi gets the house and Ashton gets the Wii and the Playstation.  

"You Make Me Feel So... Dumped!"

A British drugstore chain surveryed 2,000 women and discovered that getting dumped “will make even the toughest woman feel awful.” They say the average woman who is newly single starts to question what went wrong and feel self-conscious about her looks, so she tries to remake herself.  That results in her spending an average of $776 on things including new clothes, a new hairdo and/or color, tanning, manicures, gym memberships or shoes.

- Women who haven’t been dumped spend the same amount on the very same things.  

- So guys if you’re looking for single girls - check out the women with the wet nails waiting in line at DSW.  

- The men who did the dumping spend an average of $776 on the new chick they dumped the old one for.  

- And men who get dumped spend $30 bucks for a pizza, some beer and a pay-per-view porn flick.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1990, “Millie’s Book” ghostwritten by First Lady Barbara Bush, became the first book by a dog to hit the best-seller list. 

- The record held until last year when rapper “Lil Bow Wow” published his memoir.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow for Podcast #11!

-Dick

Somebody Flunked Geography!

The White House needs to get on top of it’s image control.  They released a logo for Obama’s tour of the West showing a map of the states he’d be visiting.  He’s going to Colorado and not Wyoming, but Wyoming is highligted on the map and Colorado isn’t.  Apparently his staffers don’t know the difference between the two states.  

- Reminds me of John Denver’s classic hit, “Rocky Mountain High… Wyoming”. 

Okay, I’m always looking for a good reason to re-post the video of the Miss Teen South Carolina contestants infamous answer to the question about “Maps” during the pageant.  This seems like just about as good a time as any!  Enjoy!  

Does The White House Have A "Sinking Feeling"?

More bad news from the White House… Obama’s own chief political advisor, David Axelrod, admitted that the President’s reelection campaign will be a “titanic stuggle”. 

- You know your in trouble when Celine Dion volunteers to write your re-election campaign song. 

- The White House has called in James Cameron to try and make the story have a happy ending. 

- I just don’t want to see a naked pencil sketch of Barney Frank lounging on a sofa…

NASA Finally Pinpoints "sPacific" Location Of Satellite Crash!

NASA has finally figured out where that dead, 6-ton climate satellite crashed.  They thought it might have fallen in Canada, but luckily, they say the speeding debris actually hit the ideal spot.  It landed in the Pacific Ocean, about as far away from large land masses and human populations as it could get.  One Harvard astrophysicist said, “It just shows you the difference that 10 or 15 minutes can make”… on Saturday, “we were talking about, ‘Wow, did it hit Seattle?’”

- Which left quite a few people sleepless in Seattle. 

- Apparently the satellite had On-Star! 

- Am I the only on who was hoping it would land on Charlie Sheen’s house?  

Nancy Tries To Nip "Wardrobe Malfunction" In Bud!

Monday night on “DWTS”, Nancy Grace had an apparent wardrobe malfunction that caused her nipple to peek out over the top of her tight costume.  Judge Bruno Tonioli even remarked on it, saying, “Oh, you brought the twins.” But despite photos of the “incident” all over the internet, Grace absolutely denies that people were seeing her nipple.  She said, “We have taken every precaution known to men in this dress right here. There may have been…a little bit of jiggling, but there was absolutely not a wardrobe malfunction.”  

- “Every precaution known to men”?  If men were in charge of it, no wonder we got a sneak peak! 

- I’m pretty sure Bruno Tonioli would rather see Chaz Bono’s “twins” than Nancy Grace’s. 

Meanwhile, on last night’s elimination show, George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend, model Elizabetta Canalis was voted off the show.  

- She said, “Sure I’m disappointed. But I still got to sleep with George Clooney.”

Time Runs Out For Andy Rooney...

“Sixty Minutes” announced that this Sunday will mark the final appearance of “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”  The curmudgeonly commentator is retiring after appearing on the show almost since it began in 1968.  Andy’s done over 1000 shows where he griped about everything from milk cartons to parking meters. Producers say that at 92, it’s hard for him to do the show every week anymore, although he might make occasional appearances if he has a topic to discuss.

- Did you ever wonder… when Andy Rooney was going to retire?  

- At 92, Andy says it’s time to spend more time with his family and more time yelling, “Hey you kids… get off of my lawn!”

- Rooney also announced that upon his death, his eyebrows will be shaved, woven into a blanket and put on display at the Smithsonian.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1850, the U.S. Navy abolished flogging as a form of punishment.  

- Thus launching the new Navy recruiting slogan: “If you can’t beat ‘em… Join ‘em!” 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

How To Be Dead And Out Of The Red...The Government Way!

Two new audits found that a lot of taxpayer money is going to dead people. In New York City, $11.8 million has been paid out in recent years for rent subsidies to people who are dead.  Apparently their landlords and families took the cash.  

- “Crooked Landlords and Greedy Relatives”?  Sounds like a new reality show… and I guess that’s what it is!

- Bruce Willis has already been signed to star in the new movie, “We Pay Dead People”. 

Meanwhile in Washington, the Office of Personnel Management launched an investigation after an inpector discovered that they’d paid $601 million in retirement benefits to dead people.   

- And amazingly, all of those dead people invested the money in Gold! 

- So maybe those much hyped Obamacare “Death Seminars” were actually designed to help you manage your money once you get whereever it is your going.

- The good news is, if we can just hang in there until we die, we’ll all be financially secure! 

Now, It Can Take A Licking Even If You're Still Ticking!

The US Post Office is so desperate for money, they hope to boost stamp sales by ditching the rule that requires people to be dead for at least five years before being honored with a postage stamp.  They say they now plan to let living people appear on stamps, provided they’ve “made enduring contributions to the US.” They’re encouraging Americans to visit their Facebook page and submit their five favorite living picks for stamp honorees. 

- Hello?  We already have a stamp featuring someone who’s still alive:  Elvis!

- Speaking of Elvis, If I get one letter in the mail with a “Justin Bieber Stamp” on it, I’m marking it “Return To Sender”.  

- They already tried making a stamp of Kim Kardashian’s butt… but it was bigger than the envelope. 

- People are really gonna get confused when they put Fifty Cent on on a 44 cent stamp.  

The Price Of Sex Has Never Been Cheaper... Except For Kwame!

Professor Kathleen Vohs has done several studies on “sexual economics”, or the market value of sex, and she says it’s never been cheaper. Sociologists say men want sex more than women do, which has traditionally meant that women could set a high price on sex - such as marriage or diamond jewelry.  But by jumping into bed sooner, they say young women have “discounted” the price.  A whopping 30% of young men’s sexual relationships now involve no romance at all - not even text messages.  

- Of course those 30% don’t have partners so there’s no real need for dinner or flowers.  

- 30% of guys don’t even text the morning after?  Kwame Kilpatrick may be a crook, but at least he’s romantic!

- The technical term for this reduced priced sex is: “The Discount Rack”.  

- This sure beats clipping coupons.

Arnold: "I'll Be... Bronze?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger has commmissioned three eight-foot-tall bronze sculptures of himself in his bodybuilder days.  One was given to an Arnold museum in Austria, one to a bodybuilding competition in Ohio, and one is for Arnold himself. Artist Tim Park said Arnold has seen the first statue and “His exact words were, ‘This is fantastic,’ and he said it about four times.”

- His Hispanic babymama maid says she just loves the statue but admitted, “It’s a bitch to dust.” 

- It’s good to see that the whole baby-scandal thing has put Arnold’s ego in check.  

- So now Arnold has buns of steel and a bronze penis.  

One Too Many "Shotzees"?

Ian Stuart of East Naples, Florida, was arrested Saturday after he allegedly attacked and choked his wife during an agrument over their game of Yahtzee.

- The guy’s wife said, “This is nothing. He once stabbed himself in the chest after losing a game of Solitaire.”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1904, a New York cop arrested a woman on Fifth Avenue for smoking a cigarette in public.

- Thus leading to the well-know Virginia Slim’s slogan, “You’re Going Away For a Long Time, Baby!”  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Miracle in Minnesota!

3-0??? The Lion’s dramatic 26-23 overtime win against the Vikings Sunday was the first time the “Honolulu Blue” have won in Minnesota in 13 years and the first time the Lions have been 3-0 in THIRTY ONE YEARS! Somebody pinch me!  

Obama In Bush's League?

Over the weekend, a Gallup poll revealed that a slight majority of Americans believe President Obama is either “about the same” or “worse” than George W. Bush.  34% said worse, 22% said about the same. 

- George W. Bush immediately put up a banner on his front lawn reading “Mission Accomplished!” 

Prez In Limbo: How Low Can You Go?

Low poll numbers seem to be making Obama worried about reelection. Normally, he’d take the support of the Congressional Black Caucus for granted, but one member recently said that if Clinton were in office, they would have marched on the White House by now over high black unemployment.  

- Ironically is appears Obama is afraid that starting in 2012 he’ll be unemployed, too.