NASA Finally Pinpoints "sPacific" Location Of Satellite Crash!

NASA has finally figured out where that dead, 6-ton climate satellite crashed.  They thought it might have fallen in Canada, but luckily, they say the speeding debris actually hit the ideal spot.  It landed in the Pacific Ocean, about as far away from large land masses and human populations as it could get.  One Harvard astrophysicist said, “It just shows you the difference that 10 or 15 minutes can make”… on Saturday, “we were talking about, ‘Wow, did it hit Seattle?’”

- Which left quite a few people sleepless in Seattle. 

- Apparently the satellite had On-Star! 

- Am I the only on who was hoping it would land on Charlie Sheen’s house?  

Nancy Tries To Nip "Wardrobe Malfunction" In Bud!

Monday night on “DWTS”, Nancy Grace had an apparent wardrobe malfunction that caused her nipple to peek out over the top of her tight costume.  Judge Bruno Tonioli even remarked on it, saying, “Oh, you brought the twins.” But despite photos of the “incident” all over the internet, Grace absolutely denies that people were seeing her nipple.  She said, “We have taken every precaution known to men in this dress right here. There may have been…a little bit of jiggling, but there was absolutely not a wardrobe malfunction.”  

- “Every precaution known to men”?  If men were in charge of it, no wonder we got a sneak peak! 

- I’m pretty sure Bruno Tonioli would rather see Chaz Bono’s “twins” than Nancy Grace’s. 

Meanwhile, on last night’s elimination show, George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend, model Elizabetta Canalis was voted off the show.  

- She said, “Sure I’m disappointed. But I still got to sleep with George Clooney.”

Time Runs Out For Andy Rooney...

“Sixty Minutes” announced that this Sunday will mark the final appearance of “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”  The curmudgeonly commentator is retiring after appearing on the show almost since it began in 1968.  Andy’s done over 1000 shows where he griped about everything from milk cartons to parking meters. Producers say that at 92, it’s hard for him to do the show every week anymore, although he might make occasional appearances if he has a topic to discuss.

- Did you ever wonder… when Andy Rooney was going to retire?  

- At 92, Andy says it’s time to spend more time with his family and more time yelling, “Hey you kids… get off of my lawn!”

- Rooney also announced that upon his death, his eyebrows will be shaved, woven into a blanket and put on display at the Smithsonian.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1850, the U.S. Navy abolished flogging as a form of punishment.  

- Thus launching the new Navy recruiting slogan: “If you can’t beat ‘em… Join ‘em!” 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

How To Be Dead And Out Of The Red...The Government Way!

Two new audits found that a lot of taxpayer money is going to dead people. In New York City, $11.8 million has been paid out in recent years for rent subsidies to people who are dead.  Apparently their landlords and families took the cash.  

- “Crooked Landlords and Greedy Relatives”?  Sounds like a new reality show… and I guess that’s what it is!

- Bruce Willis has already been signed to star in the new movie, “We Pay Dead People”. 

Meanwhile in Washington, the Office of Personnel Management launched an investigation after an inpector discovered that they’d paid $601 million in retirement benefits to dead people.   

- And amazingly, all of those dead people invested the money in Gold! 

- So maybe those much hyped Obamacare “Death Seminars” were actually designed to help you manage your money once you get whereever it is your going.

- The good news is, if we can just hang in there until we die, we’ll all be financially secure! 

Now, It Can Take A Licking Even If You're Still Ticking!

The US Post Office is so desperate for money, they hope to boost stamp sales by ditching the rule that requires people to be dead for at least five years before being honored with a postage stamp.  They say they now plan to let living people appear on stamps, provided they’ve “made enduring contributions to the US.” They’re encouraging Americans to visit their Facebook page and submit their five favorite living picks for stamp honorees. 

- Hello?  We already have a stamp featuring someone who’s still alive:  Elvis!

- Speaking of Elvis, If I get one letter in the mail with a “Justin Bieber Stamp” on it, I’m marking it “Return To Sender”.  

- They already tried making a stamp of Kim Kardashian’s butt… but it was bigger than the envelope. 

- People are really gonna get confused when they put Fifty Cent on on a 44 cent stamp.  

The Price Of Sex Has Never Been Cheaper... Except For Kwame!

Professor Kathleen Vohs has done several studies on “sexual economics”, or the market value of sex, and she says it’s never been cheaper. Sociologists say men want sex more than women do, which has traditionally meant that women could set a high price on sex - such as marriage or diamond jewelry.  But by jumping into bed sooner, they say young women have “discounted” the price.  A whopping 30% of young men’s sexual relationships now involve no romance at all - not even text messages.  

- Of course those 30% don’t have partners so there’s no real need for dinner or flowers.  

- 30% of guys don’t even text the morning after?  Kwame Kilpatrick may be a crook, but at least he’s romantic!

- The technical term for this reduced priced sex is: “The Discount Rack”.  

- This sure beats clipping coupons.

Arnold: "I'll Be... Bronze?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger has commmissioned three eight-foot-tall bronze sculptures of himself in his bodybuilder days.  One was given to an Arnold museum in Austria, one to a bodybuilding competition in Ohio, and one is for Arnold himself. Artist Tim Park said Arnold has seen the first statue and “His exact words were, ‘This is fantastic,’ and he said it about four times.”

- His Hispanic babymama maid says she just loves the statue but admitted, “It’s a bitch to dust.” 

- It’s good to see that the whole baby-scandal thing has put Arnold’s ego in check.  

- So now Arnold has buns of steel and a bronze penis.  

One Too Many "Shotzees"?

Ian Stuart of East Naples, Florida, was arrested Saturday after he allegedly attacked and choked his wife during an agrument over their game of Yahtzee.

- The guy’s wife said, “This is nothing. He once stabbed himself in the chest after losing a game of Solitaire.”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1904, a New York cop arrested a woman on Fifth Avenue for smoking a cigarette in public.

- Thus leading to the well-know Virginia Slim’s slogan, “You’re Going Away For a Long Time, Baby!”  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Miracle in Minnesota!

3-0??? The Lion’s dramatic 26-23 overtime win against the Vikings Sunday was the first time the “Honolulu Blue” have won in Minnesota in 13 years and the first time the Lions have been 3-0 in THIRTY ONE YEARS! Somebody pinch me!  

Obama In Bush's League?

Over the weekend, a Gallup poll revealed that a slight majority of Americans believe President Obama is either “about the same” or “worse” than George W. Bush.  34% said worse, 22% said about the same. 

- George W. Bush immediately put up a banner on his front lawn reading “Mission Accomplished!” 

Prez In Limbo: How Low Can You Go?

Low poll numbers seem to be making Obama worried about reelection. Normally, he’d take the support of the Congressional Black Caucus for granted, but one member recently said that if Clinton were in office, they would have marched on the White House by now over high black unemployment.  

- Ironically is appears Obama is afraid that starting in 2012 he’ll be unemployed, too.  

Why Don't You Slip Into Something Less Comfortable?

In response to recent criticism, the Prez gave a fiery, partisan speech to the Congressional Black Caucus, urging them to “Take off your your bedroom slippers… put on your marching shoes,” and demand that his “jobs bill” be passed.

- Turns out both Democrats and Republicans wear slippers… but the Democrat’s only wear them on their left feet and the Republicans on the right. 

- This reminds me of a speech President Clinton once gave to the National Organization of Women, when he said “Ladies, take off your bedroom slippers… and while your at it… take off your nightgowns!”

Newsflash: Saudi Arabia To Leave Stone Age... In Four Years!

In a victory for women’s rights in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah announced that after consulting with Islamic clerics to make sure it didn’t violate Sharia law, he has decided to give women the right, not only to vote in local elections, but to run for local offices.  The King said, “We refuse to marginalize the role of women in Saudi society.” It won’t take effect for four years, but maybe by then, women will have the right to drive. 

- No way. In Saudia Arabia, women aren’t even allowed to be backseat drivers! 

- Of course the female candidates will not be allowed to engage in any debate with a man who isn’t an immediate relative. 

- If a woman does win an election, any Saudi man can “un-elect” her by turning around three times and repeating the words “You lose!”  You lose!”  “You lose!”  

- None of the women will be allowed to run on a “Family Values” agenda since “having a family” would basically be admitting that they’d had sex. 

DIP... Uh, I Mean, RIP

Arch West, the retired Frito-Lay marketing executive who created Doritos, has died in Dallas at the age of 97. 

- His family says he’ll be buried on a “Cool Ranch” somewhere in Texas. 

- Doctors announced his death to his children by saying, “He’s Nacho Daddy anymore”.  

- Hard to believe a guy who ate so much bean dip finally ran out of gas!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1774, John Chapman was born.  He traveled America planting apple seeds, which earned him the nickname Johnny Appleseed. 

- He gets a lot a more attention than his brother, Tommy Watermelon.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #10 - "The Birds & The Bees"

Welcome to Friday and our latest Podcast!  Today I welcome our friend Joe Noune back to the conversation… which somehow ends up with a discussion of some rather revealing and humorous things some of “Purtan’s People” had do go through in order to end up conceiving their kids.  Turns out that whole “Stork” thing doesn’t work for everybody.  And speaking of “The Birds & The Bees”… Below you’ll see a picture of a pair of rather unusual scissors my daughter Jennifer gave me to commemorate this past summer’s “Battle With The Woodpecker”. So sit back, turn up the volume and (hopefully) enjoy!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #10  (29min. 45sec.) 

Obama Lends Mongolian President A Hand?

Yesterday, President Obama spoke at the U.N. General Assembly in New York, and during a photo-op with other world leaders, the Commander-in-Chief pulled a George W. Bush.  Just as the pic was about to be snapped, for some reason, Obama raised his hand to wave.  The photo captured a smiling Obama with his waving hand completely covering the face of Mongolia’s President who was standing next to him. 

- Apparently the President flashed back to his youth and thought it was an end-of-summer camp picture and he was waving to his parents who had just come to pick him up.

- Nancy Pelosi has told all her friends that he was waving at her! 

Sing Along! "Climate Satellites Keep Fallin' On My Head..."

NASA reports that the 6 1/2 ton climate satellite that will soon slam into Earth is unexpectedly picking up speed and they now believe it will hit on Friday.  They don’t know where it will land, but believe it will miss North America.  A NASA spokesperson said the odds of any large pieces of it hitting anyone on the ground are 1 in 3200, so “there’s no need to panic.”

- But just in case Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is going to leave Iran and fly back to his home planet until the danger has passed. 

- Geoffrey Fieger is flying back to HIS home planet, too.  

- Let’s hope it falls on the Congressional “Super Committee” now meeting so it can knock some sense into their heads!