Purtan Podcast #8

Welcome to Friday or Podcast Day as we like to call it here at DickPurtan.com!  This week, Big Al, Jackie and I cover everything from a rather embarrassing “Butt Call” and Motorcycle Riding Rabbis (yep, our pal Maury stops by!) to politics and pork (well actually - it’s beef).  As you can see from the pictures below, I visited a local eatery that is home to a 10 pound hamburger and a gazillion scoop ice cream sundae.  

And with Sunday being the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, we remember that horrific morning and how we experienced it while we were on the air.  Plus… I tell you about an important internet warning involving this anniversary and how to protect your computer and e-mails.   

Purtan Podcast #8 (18:58)

“I’ll have fries with that… and a diet Coke”

Luckily… I saved room for dessert! (Photos by Jill Purtan)

Prez Kicked Off TV Early For NFL Kick Off...

Tonight, President Obama will give his highly anticipated jobs speech to Congress and the nation.  But it’s not exactly getting “Prime Time” treatment.  He has to start at 7pm and wrap it up in less than an hour before the the NFL season opener between the Packers and the Saints. One TV station in Milwaukee announced that they won’t air the speech because they have an hour of pre-game coverage scheduled. 

- I’m still trying to deal with the fact that I’m going to to miss “Wheel of Fortune”! Then again, in today’s economy, who can afford to buy a vowel?  

- In order to get more people to tune in, Charlie Sheen will join Obama on stage and they’re calling the speech, “Two And A Half Jobs!”

Get Your Mitt's Off Me...

Wednesday night, GOP Presidential hopefuls held their big debate.  The most heated exchange came when Mitt Romney touted his job creation record. Rick Perry shot back that Michael Dukakis had a better record than Mitt. Then Mitt fired back that Perry’s predecessor, George W. Bush, had a better record than Perry.  

- George W. Bush reportedly yelled, “Hey Laura!  Come in here!  They’re talking about what a great job I did on the TV!”

The strangest audience reaction had to be when one of the two moderators began a question by noting that under Governor Perry, Texas had executed 234 people, and applause broke out.   

- Those who applauded were all Democrats who realized that’s 234 people who won’t be voting for Perry in 2012! 

- The twice-divorced Newt Gingrich immediately tried to get in on the whole “Texas Thing” by yelling, “Remember the Alamo-ny!” 

"Pretty Toddler???"

First TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras” sparked controversey when a little girl did an impression of Dolly Parton in a pageant, complete with padded boobs and butt.  But according to critics, last night’s episode hit a new low.  A mom dressed her three-year-old-girl named Paisley as Julia Robert’s hooker character in “Pretty Woman,” complete with blond wig, white crop top, a blue miniskirt and thigh-high boots.  She strutted around stage in front of a backdrop of the Beverly Regent Wilshire Hotel where Richard Gere’s character paid $4000 for a week of Roberts’ “services”.

- All the 3-year-old-boys in her pre-school class are begging their mom’s to set up a “Playdate” with Paisley. 

- You should have seen the time her mom dressed her up as “Dora the Explorer”!

- Speaking of “Pretty Woman”, if Roy Orbison was alive, he would probably have taken off his tinted glasses just to make sure he was actually seeing what he was seeing. 

- Most hookers wear thongs.  Paisley wears Huggies.  

Robbery Foiled By Rubbery Robber!

A $1000 reward is being offered in San Diego for a man who tried to rob a 7-11 on Labor Day while dressed in a Gumby costume.  But he fumbled trying to pull what he said was a gun out of his costume.  He got flustered, dropped 26 cents on the floor and fled empty-handed.  He also had an accomplice who police are still trying to identify.  Apparently the clerk isn’t too up on his cartoon characters; he described the assailant to his boss as “a green Spongebob Squarepants”. 

- If it had been Spongebob he would have pulled out a spatula.  (Don’t ask me how I know this, but Spongebob is actually a Fry-Cook!)

- This guys not “Gumby”… he’s “Dumby”! 

- He’s one of the first criminals in history to actually lose money during a robbery.  

Maybe It's Just A Vitameatavega-Ghost!

The Paranormal Reasearch Group in Connecticut plans to investigate a home in Stamford to see if it is haunted by the ghost of Ethel Mertz.  The house used to belong to Lucille Ball’s longtime sidekick, Vivian Vance, who died there in 1979. The ghost hunters are using video cameras, laser grids and electromagnetic field detectors to investigate.

- The owner first became suspsicious when she saw a ghost working on a conveyer belt shoving imaginary chocolates into her mouth. 

- If they find her, somebody’s gonna have some spainin’ to do! 

- It would be so much easier to catch Desi Arnaz’s ghost… he’d just float in the front door and yell, “Lucy! I’m home!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1986, “The Oprah Winfrey Show” debuted.  

- Hard to believe, but up until that day, no woman in America had experienced the “Big O”!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with our latest Podcast! 

-Dick

"We're Looking For A Few Good...Friends!"

Big News… we are rapidly approaching reaching the 5000 friend mark on Facebook! If you feel so inclined (and actually like us) it would be great if you’d go to our facebook page and “Like” us! It’s easy to do and as an added incentive, we’ve decided to give the 5000th person… well… nothing. Sorry.  We don’t have anything on hand at the moment —but know that you’ll have our gratitude! Thanks so much!

And now… on with the news! 

Make My Tea Decaf...

An online company called StarvingEyes Advergaming is making Jimmy Hoffa Jr. look like “Mr. Nice”.  They’ve posted a video game called “Tea Party Zombies Must Die.” It features zombie Tea Party Members (one in a tattered KKK robe) plus zombie versions of Republicans like Sarah Palin, Michele Bachman and Newt Gingrich. Fox News talkers Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck are also in the game.  They have names like “Koch Whore Lobbyist Pig Zombie,” and players are encouraged to slaughter them in violent, bloody way with axes, Uzis and crowbars.  

- Keith Olbermann alledgedly sprained his thumb before he even got through the first level! 

- Finally… a return to civility in Politics! 

- I can see it now:  “Want to virtually dismember Sarah Palin?  There’s an app for that!” 

- Newt Gingrich was excited that anyone considered him important enough to actually be included in the game! 

He Gave At The Office... And Apparently Everywhere Else Too!

The NY Times reports that some social workers are concerned about the growing number of children being fathered by the most active donors to various sperm banks.  One woman who started an online registry for children fathered by the same donor she used, has seen it grow to 150 half-siblings with more on the way. 

She said “It’s wild when we see them together.  They all look alike.”  

- Doesn’t this sound like one of those black and white horror movies they made back in the 1950’s? 

- Up until now this was only a problem in the NBA.  

- A lot of the kids share similar traits with their “Donor Dad”… for example they’re REALLY good with their hands.  

Meanwhile the lack of a nationwide info bank on donors has sparked worries among health professionals that children who live in the same area will fall in love and have kids, not realizing they’re half-brother and sister.  

- They’ve named the Syndrome, “Regular Life In Kentucky”.  

- And it’s a real drag for the Mom who ends up having to pay for both the wedding and the rehearsal dinner!

He Was Only Trying To Get His Dingy Wet!

Celine Dion was the victim of a burglary this week when a 36-tear-old man allegedly stole the keys from her husbands car and used them to break into their Montreal mansion.  He tripped the alarm and police arrived to find that he’d helped himself to some pastries and was drawing himself a warm bath. Cops say when they showed up, her was coming down Dion’s big staircase asking, “Hey, guys, what are you doing here?”  They arrested him on the spot.  

- Celine said she feels “violated” but that her heart will go on.

- If only he’d had time to take that bath he could have made a clean getaway!

- Cops say the man was carrying a rubber duckie, an ice cube and a mini-replica of the Titanic.

- Being “French” Canadian, the suspect surrendered immediately.

"It's A Boy! And He's Going To Be A Dentist!"

A new study from Britain’s Office for National Statistics has found a correlation betweeen people’s birth months and their occupations, intelligence and likelihood of certain diseases.  It could have something to do with the varying amounts of Vitamin D from sunlight that expectant mothers get.  According to the study, babies born in December are more likely to become dentists, January babies are more likely to become debt collectors, and February babies to be artists.  

- Of course January babies become debt collectors! There are all those outstanding credit card charges from Christmas! 

- I would think babies born in February would go into math… they have to keep dealing with that whole “leap year” thing. 

- April babies work for the IRS, June babies get married a lot and October babies like to dress up in weird costumes and collect candy from strangers.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1931, the American Sunbathing Association, now known as the American Association for Nude Recreation, was founded.  

- A minute later, the first Volleyball game broke out.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Hoffa In A Huff...

President Obama’s Labor Day speech about jobs here in Detroit yesterday was overshadowed by his opening act. Teamster President Jimmy Hoffa Jr., son of the late Jimmy Hoffa, caused quite a stir when he ranted that “working people” of Michigan and America were going to war against the Tea Party, that “they got a war with us, and there’s only going to be one winner.  President Obama, this is your army.  We are ready to march. Let’s take these sons of bitches out…”

- So now we know who “took out” Jimmy Hoffa!  It was his own son! 

- The last people who went to war against a bunch of Tea Partiers were the British and that didn’t work out too well. 

- Most of the union members missed the comments as they were on their scheduled break. 

Meanwhile, the White House says that President Obama was not on stage during Hoffa’s speech and didn’t hear his comments. 

- Obama wasn’t even sure which guy Jimmy Hoffa Jr. was until someone told him, “Look for the Union Label!”

Frankie Valli and the Christmas Season?

The Broadway actors who play Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons in the show “Jersey Boys” are set to release a Christmas album called “A Jersey Christmas,” produced by Four Seasons co-founder Bob Gaudio.  This marks the first time that a Broadway show cast has released a holiday album. 

- The first single will be “Big Girls Don’t Cry… When Grandma Gets Run Over By A Reindeer”. 

Jessica Simpson's Fiance Not So Happy About "Down-Sizing"

Jessica Simpson has reportedly announced that just prior to her marriage to former NFL player Eric Johnson she will undergo a breast reduction. 

- When Johnson heard the news he said “Say what?!”

NY To Hold Special Erection...uh...Election!

A special election will be held on the 13th of this month in New York to fill the Congressional seat left vacant by Anthony Weiner. Weiner, of course, resigned over the whole “naked-picture-tweeting” scandal earlier this year.  

- From the pictures that went public, it looked like Weiner left some pretty big shoes to fill.

- There are no women running for his seat.  In fact, most women end up running from his seat!

- When it comes down to it, aren’t most politicians “Weiners”? 

Check Hot, Chick...Not So Much!

Police in Texas were called to a Wal-Mart where Paula Rose Senn was accused of causing a disturbance. They arrested her on outstanding warrants and hauled her off to the hooscow. While she was changing into jail clothing, a guard noticed her trying to hide something in the back of her pants.  A search revealed that Senn had hidden a stolen check between her buttocks.  Senn admitted she hid the check so it couldn’t be held against her. 

- Oh it was held against her… and now nobody wants to touch it.  

- Police said it was a “hot check” but actually it was only about 98.6 degrees. 

- Call me crazy, but I usually deposit my checks in the bank. 

- If Kim Kardashian ever tries this, the check is sure to “bounce”.  

"Gentlemen... Start You're Molecules!"

Chemists at Tufts University say they’ve created an electric-driven motor that’s the size of a single molecule. It would take 60,000 of these engines to equal the width of one human hair. 

- Now they’re frantically working on creating a dip-stick tiny enough to check the engine’s oil. 

- The trouble is, you have to use the Hubble telescope when you want to “take a look under the hood”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters were founded.  

- And now all the original members are so old they just sit around all day dribbling.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick