Purtan Podcast #7: The Return of Big Al

Happy Labor Day Weekend!  On this week’s Podcast Jackie and I welcome Big Al back after a brief hiatus. (Despite rumors to the contrary, he wasn’t off auditioning for the upcoming season of “Survivor: Zug Island”).

We also enjoy a surprise visit from “The Queen” and we discuss the exciting new scientific research into the manufature of bio-fuel using Panda Poop.  (True!)  Also in the mix… a new study confirming the heart health advantages of chocolate and an in-depth discussion about a very “painful” injury suffered by Al!  

Just click, and as they say at your local eatery… “Enjoy!” 

Purtan Podcast #7  (23 min. 25 sec.)

Dick enjoying the weather and a good book under his Marygrove Awning!

Better "Chicken" Than Frankenmuth!

Yesterday, the President played chicken with House Speaker John Boehner and lost. Obama asked for prime time TV and a joint session of Congress next Wednesday, Sept. 7th, to unveil his jobs plan. That’s the same night as a long-scheduled GOP Presidential debate.  Aides said the Prez’s schedule was too tight and that NBC could just reschedule the debate.  The fight raged all day with Boehner asking the President to speak another time.  At the end of the day, Obama caved and agreed to speak on the next night, September 8th, which coincidentally will put him opposite the first NFL game of the season. 

- To make the speech more enticing to football fans, Obama and Joe Biden have announced they’ll pat each other on the butt when it’s over. 

- Word is, Obama will also use a “tele-strator” to help us understand his plan for new jobs. 

- It’s kind of ironic, since this speech is sort of a “Hail Mary” in terms of getting the country to believe we can actually get back to work.  

He Met His Date On eRaft.com!

Police in Ohio arrested Edwin Tobergta after he was reportedly spotted in an alley having sexual relations with an inflatable raft.  The raft’s owner saw him and called the cops.  This was Tobergta’s fifth arrest on similar offenses, including having sex with a giant Halloween deocrative pumpkin. He told the cops he has a problem, needs help and begged them not to send him to prison.  His family claims he has ADD.  

- He has ADD and the whole reason he has sex with rafts is to avoid getting an STD! 

- Who among us hasn’t had “relations” with someone they call “Pumpkin”? 

- This is nothing… He tried joining the Mile High Club once using the planes inflatable slide! 

When The Flight Attendant's Busy... He Just Uses "Auto-Pilot"

Hong Kong-based Cathay Pacific Airlines had to postpone the launch of a new ad campaign after the media published photos allegedly showing one of their pilots and a flight attendant joining the Mile High Club in the cockpit of a Cathay Pacific jet.  The two were fired, but officials decided the “timing doesn’t suit” to roll out the new ad campaign now.  It’s built around the slogan,”Meet the team that goes the extra mile.”

- They’ve decided to go with a new slogan: “Our pilots love to undo their fly’s… and it shows!” 

- No wonder it takes the flight attendants so long to show up when you hit the call button. 

- So even the pilot has his “tray table” in it’s full and upright position!  

World's Fattest Mom At A Loss?

Donna Simpson of Ohio, who weighted 600 pounds and kept stuffing herself to break the record for “World’s Heaviest Mother” announced that she’s gone on a diet after her chubby chaser boyfriend broke up with her. Her $20-a-month website that chronicled her weight gain has been shut down and will be replaced with a weight loss blog.  Simpson says she knows some of her fans will be disappointed, but she’s already lost 60 pounds on the way to her target weight of 375.  

- To help pay for her diet foods, her kids have realeased a new song: “She Ain’t Heavy… She’s My Mother”.

- Her boyfriend said he was okay with 595 pounds… but at 600 he thought she’d really let herself go. 

- BTW… “The World’s Heaviest Mom” title is also known as “The World’s Most Embarrassed Kids”. 

- If it’s true that “You are what you eat”, does this mean she’s less of a person now? 

Bieber Crashes Ferrari: Learners Permit Not Damaged!

Access Hollywood reports that Tuesday aternoon, Justin Bieber was driving his Ferrari in Los Angeles when he was involved in a collision with a Honda Civic.  There were no injuries or serious damage.

- At his age, shouldn’t Justin Bieber be the one driving the Honda Civic?  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1985, the wreck of the Titanic was found 13,000 feet under the surface of the Atlantic Ocean.

- And on this day in 1997 Celine Dion wrecked a lot of men’s eardrums by releasing the “Titanic” theme song.  

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Congratulations to the following charities for winning the big cash prizes in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Based on the votes casts over the last two months, the top three winners are: 

$10,000 - to “Paws For Life, Rescue & Adoption”

$5,000 - to “Cass Community Social Services”  

$3,000 - to “Friends For The Dearborn Animal Shelter”  

For a complete list of winners, click on any one of the Suburban Collection ads on our website!  Thanks to the Suburban Collection for their continued support of so many worthwhile causes in Southeast Michigan! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow for PODCAST #7!

-Dick 

Read All About It! No Cash For Kwame!

Kwame Kilpatrick lost his bid to the Court of Appeals to keep the profits from the sale of his book for himself. The court ruled that the case was without merit and that means all the cash will go towards repaying the $860,000+ he owes the city in restitution.  But the good news is, the Kwaminator says he will be doing a book signing here in Detroit soon - at one of the four small bookstores that actually carry his book, “Surrendered: The Rise, Fall and Revelation of Kwame Kilpatrick”.  

- I guess the “Surrendered” part refers to the money he has to give back to the city! 

- $50 bucks says Kwame charges at least $50 bucks to sign your copy of the book.

- Now I understand what he meant when he said, “You done set me up for a comeback!” He’s “coming back” from Texas for the book signing! 

Sex Isn't Just Exhausting... It Can Be Downright Taxing!

This week, officials in Bonn, Germany, began forcing prostitutes to use sex parking meters.  The government has a hard time getting hookers who work for cash to pay income tax, so now, each night the “ladies” will have to pay about $8.50 US to get a ticket from a “sex tax meter”. If they’re caught having sex without a ticket, they can face a stiff fine.  In exchange, to try to make their trade easier, the city has built what it calls “consummation areas,” or wooden parking garages where customers can drive in to… uh… you know… in their cars.  

- This is why the Germans lost World War II… the troops spent too much time in the “consumation areas”! 

- In those days they did it in their Tanks. 

- The “consumation area”… that’s what Hitler called Eva Braun’s area of the bunker.  

King Tut's Secret To Gorgeous Hair!

British reasearchers discovered that ancient Egyptians used hair gel. Microscopic studies of hair samples from mummies revealed that they had been treated with a substance made from plant and animal fatty acids. They believe that personal appearance was so important to the ancient Egyptians that they used styling gel on dead bodies so they could retain the hairstyles they wore in life.  

- And just in case they woke up, they wanted to avoid that whole “dead head” look.  

- 2000 years later, the mummies look better than most kids do today.

- If hair products really hold… imagaine how great Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are gonna look 4000 years from now!

- The use of hair gel had a lot of ancient Egyptian kids saying, “Gee Mummy, your hair smells terrific”.  

- That’s why Cleopatra always called Marc Antony “Helmut Head”.  

Cryer Left Crying Over Child Support!

“Two And A Half Men” star Jon Cryer’s life seems to be mirroring his TV character’s.  An LA appeals court just rejected his request to reduce the child support that he pay’s his ex-wife for their son, Charlie.  Cryer has primary custody, but he’s been paying his ex $8000 a month for seven years and he claims she spends the money on herself.  But the judge said he has to keep paying the full amount, plus her $40,000 legal fees.  At least he can afford it: Cryer makes $600,000 an episode.  

- He named his son Charlie after working everyday with Charlie Sheen?  He should be fined $600,000 for stupidity. 

- The court released it’s decision with a one word memo reading: “Losing!”  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 12 A.D., the perverted Roman emperor Caligula was born. 

 - He was the Charlie Sheen of his day.  

Also on this day in 1902, expert horsewoman Mrs. Adolph Ladeburg wore the first split-skirt.

- The next day she sent it to the cleaners after spilling ice cream on it.  Her next door neighbor had just invented the banana split.  

Have a great day and don’t forget that today is your last chance to cast your vote in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Ten local charities will share a total of $25,000!  Help decide who gets how much by clicking on any one of the Suburban Collection Ads on this page.  Make your voice heard and check back here tomorrow for the results! 

-Dick 

Even The President Has A Crazy Uncle...

President Obama’s long lost Kenyan uncle has resurfaced in an embarrassing way.  Onyano Obama, whom the President calls, “Uncle Omar”, is an illegal immigrant under a longstanding deportation order. Police found him near Boston when he was arrested for drunk driving after nearly smashing into a police car outside the Chicken Bone restaurant.  He’s pleading not guilty, but police say he had glassy eyes, was unsteady on his feet and slurred his words.  When asked if he wanted to make a phone call, he replied, “I think I will call the White House.”

- He’s the Ted Kennedy of the Obama family!

- When he called the WH, Joe Biden answered and told him, “Hey, they’re in Massachusetts too!  At Martha’s Vineyard.  I’m sure they’d love if you dropped by!” 

- Apparently “Uncle Omar” is a member of the “Long Island Iced Tea Party”.  

- That’s the problem with relatives… they come to your country to visit and you can’t get ‘em to leave!

"Dancing With The Semi-Stars" Cast Announced!

Monday night, ABC revealed the line-up for the 13th season of “DWTS”. The “Stars” include basketball player Ron Artest, George Clooney’s ex- Elisabeth Canalis, TV hosts Ricki Lake and Nancy Grace, and Cher’s transexual daughter/son, Chaz Bono.  Most responses on the website were negative with fans calling them “D-listers” and threatening not to watch. 

- People will at least watch the first episode to see if Chaz is paired up with a guy or a girl! 

- As a bonus this year, Nancy Grace will also judge her own dances; she’ll berate her own performance and accuse herself of unspeakable crimes. 

In the close but no cigar department… Ryan O’Neil was set to join the cast, but is currently in a cast, still recovering from knee replacement surgery. 

- Ryan hurt his knee when his daughter Tatum kicked him after he hit-on-her at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral. 

NEWSFLASH: Losing Weight Can Make You Gay!

Puerto Rico Sen. Roberto Arango, a family values politician who once campaigned for Bush, has resigned after photos of his naked torso and splayed buttocks were found on a gay hookup site called Grindr.  He explained, “I’ve been losing wieght. As I shed that weight, I’ve been taking pictures.” 

- Hey, it’s not like he tweeted the pictures to some of his constituents! 

- So I guess all the gay guys on that website could be called “Weight Watchers”. 

- When most people lose weight they just buy a smaller pair of pants.  

- So it turns out, he’s more into “Craig” than “Jenny”. 

WWJD? Not This...

Following the lead of Rembrandt, who gave Jesus a new look in the 1600s, Kentucky artist Stephen Sawyer is trying to give Jesus a more macho image. Sawyer says Jesus preferred the outdoors, and He couldn’t have overturned the money-lenders tables being a wimp.  So using a ripped surfer as a model, he paints portraits of Jesus as muscular and tattoed, and as a boxer and a biker.  

- In his version of “The Last Supper” the diciples don’t drink wine, they do shots of Tequila, start a fight and get thrown out by bouncers. 

- Jesus would never make it as a boxer because he’d keep turning the other cheek. 

- Sawyer is also hoping to launch a new biblical reality show called, “Pimp My Camel”. 

Man Has Leg Up On The Law...

A British security firm has fired two staffers who were put in charge of placing a monitoring bracelet on the leg of a suspect under curfew on drug, traffic and weapons charges.  The man was later spotted out on the town, but according to the monitor, he was home.  Turns out he’d fooled the two by putting bandages over his prosthetic leg and getting them to attach the monitor to that.  After they left, he simply removed his leg and went out while the leg stayed home.  

- Prosecutors say he doesn’t have a leg to stand on… which is only partially true. 

- His lawyer claims his client shouldn’t be held accountable because he’s “unbalanced”.  

- When they attempted to arrest the man, police said he “fled on foot”.  Literally.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1979, Ann Meyers became the first woman signed by an NBA team.  The Indiana Pacers signed her for one year, but cut her from the team two days later. 

- Apparently she didn’t realize you were responsible for bringing your own balls.  

And The Winner Is...

Congratulations to our e-mail club member Harry Radtke of Sterling Heights! He’s the winner of a Nike dickpurtan.com golf shirt! Everyone on our e-mail list is eligible for our prizes and giveaways — so join today! Just scroll down and look to your left!  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Shore-ing Up New Jersey?

Hurricane Irene caused billions in damage and left 5 million people without power, but it wasn’t the apocalyptic storm many predicted.  Good thing, too, because some people refused to take even the most basic precautions. When New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie heard that some diehards were partying on the Jersey Shore just hours before Irene arrived, he exploded, “Get those people the hell off the beach!”

- He added, “Especially the guy in the Speedo!”

- This is great training for when he gets older and starts yelling “Hey kids… get the hell off of my lawn!” 

- People in New Jersey thought they saw a beached whale after the storm… but it was just Gov. Christie assessing the damage.