Read All About It! No Cash For Kwame!

Kwame Kilpatrick lost his bid to the Court of Appeals to keep the profits from the sale of his book for himself. The court ruled that the case was without merit and that means all the cash will go towards repaying the $860,000+ he owes the city in restitution.  But the good news is, the Kwaminator says he will be doing a book signing here in Detroit soon - at one of the four small bookstores that actually carry his book, “Surrendered: The Rise, Fall and Revelation of Kwame Kilpatrick”.  

- I guess the “Surrendered” part refers to the money he has to give back to the city! 

- $50 bucks says Kwame charges at least $50 bucks to sign your copy of the book.

- Now I understand what he meant when he said, “You done set me up for a comeback!” He’s “coming back” from Texas for the book signing! 

Sex Isn't Just Exhausting... It Can Be Downright Taxing!

This week, officials in Bonn, Germany, began forcing prostitutes to use sex parking meters.  The government has a hard time getting hookers who work for cash to pay income tax, so now, each night the “ladies” will have to pay about $8.50 US to get a ticket from a “sex tax meter”. If they’re caught having sex without a ticket, they can face a stiff fine.  In exchange, to try to make their trade easier, the city has built what it calls “consummation areas,” or wooden parking garages where customers can drive in to… uh… you know… in their cars.  

- This is why the Germans lost World War II… the troops spent too much time in the “consumation areas”! 

- In those days they did it in their Tanks. 

- The “consumation area”… that’s what Hitler called Eva Braun’s area of the bunker.  

King Tut's Secret To Gorgeous Hair!

British reasearchers discovered that ancient Egyptians used hair gel. Microscopic studies of hair samples from mummies revealed that they had been treated with a substance made from plant and animal fatty acids. They believe that personal appearance was so important to the ancient Egyptians that they used styling gel on dead bodies so they could retain the hairstyles they wore in life.  

- And just in case they woke up, they wanted to avoid that whole “dead head” look.  

- 2000 years later, the mummies look better than most kids do today.

- If hair products really hold… imagaine how great Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are gonna look 4000 years from now!

- The use of hair gel had a lot of ancient Egyptian kids saying, “Gee Mummy, your hair smells terrific”.  

- That’s why Cleopatra always called Marc Antony “Helmut Head”.  

Cryer Left Crying Over Child Support!

“Two And A Half Men” star Jon Cryer’s life seems to be mirroring his TV character’s.  An LA appeals court just rejected his request to reduce the child support that he pay’s his ex-wife for their son, Charlie.  Cryer has primary custody, but he’s been paying his ex $8000 a month for seven years and he claims she spends the money on herself.  But the judge said he has to keep paying the full amount, plus her $40,000 legal fees.  At least he can afford it: Cryer makes $600,000 an episode.  

- He named his son Charlie after working everyday with Charlie Sheen?  He should be fined $600,000 for stupidity. 

- The court released it’s decision with a one word memo reading: “Losing!”  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 12 A.D., the perverted Roman emperor Caligula was born. 

 - He was the Charlie Sheen of his day.  

Also on this day in 1902, expert horsewoman Mrs. Adolph Ladeburg wore the first split-skirt.

- The next day she sent it to the cleaners after spilling ice cream on it.  Her next door neighbor had just invented the banana split.  

Have a great day and don’t forget that today is your last chance to cast your vote in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Ten local charities will share a total of $25,000!  Help decide who gets how much by clicking on any one of the Suburban Collection Ads on this page.  Make your voice heard and check back here tomorrow for the results! 

-Dick 

Even The President Has A Crazy Uncle...

President Obama’s long lost Kenyan uncle has resurfaced in an embarrassing way.  Onyano Obama, whom the President calls, “Uncle Omar”, is an illegal immigrant under a longstanding deportation order. Police found him near Boston when he was arrested for drunk driving after nearly smashing into a police car outside the Chicken Bone restaurant.  He’s pleading not guilty, but police say he had glassy eyes, was unsteady on his feet and slurred his words.  When asked if he wanted to make a phone call, he replied, “I think I will call the White House.”

- He’s the Ted Kennedy of the Obama family!

- When he called the WH, Joe Biden answered and told him, “Hey, they’re in Massachusetts too!  At Martha’s Vineyard.  I’m sure they’d love if you dropped by!” 

- Apparently “Uncle Omar” is a member of the “Long Island Iced Tea Party”.  

- That’s the problem with relatives… they come to your country to visit and you can’t get ‘em to leave!

"Dancing With The Semi-Stars" Cast Announced!

Monday night, ABC revealed the line-up for the 13th season of “DWTS”. The “Stars” include basketball player Ron Artest, George Clooney’s ex- Elisabeth Canalis, TV hosts Ricki Lake and Nancy Grace, and Cher’s transexual daughter/son, Chaz Bono.  Most responses on the website were negative with fans calling them “D-listers” and threatening not to watch. 

- People will at least watch the first episode to see if Chaz is paired up with a guy or a girl! 

- As a bonus this year, Nancy Grace will also judge her own dances; she’ll berate her own performance and accuse herself of unspeakable crimes. 

In the close but no cigar department… Ryan O’Neil was set to join the cast, but is currently in a cast, still recovering from knee replacement surgery. 

- Ryan hurt his knee when his daughter Tatum kicked him after he hit-on-her at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral. 

NEWSFLASH: Losing Weight Can Make You Gay!

Puerto Rico Sen. Roberto Arango, a family values politician who once campaigned for Bush, has resigned after photos of his naked torso and splayed buttocks were found on a gay hookup site called Grindr.  He explained, “I’ve been losing wieght. As I shed that weight, I’ve been taking pictures.” 

- Hey, it’s not like he tweeted the pictures to some of his constituents! 

- So I guess all the gay guys on that website could be called “Weight Watchers”. 

- When most people lose weight they just buy a smaller pair of pants.  

- So it turns out, he’s more into “Craig” than “Jenny”. 

WWJD? Not This...

Following the lead of Rembrandt, who gave Jesus a new look in the 1600s, Kentucky artist Stephen Sawyer is trying to give Jesus a more macho image. Sawyer says Jesus preferred the outdoors, and He couldn’t have overturned the money-lenders tables being a wimp.  So using a ripped surfer as a model, he paints portraits of Jesus as muscular and tattoed, and as a boxer and a biker.  

- In his version of “The Last Supper” the diciples don’t drink wine, they do shots of Tequila, start a fight and get thrown out by bouncers. 

- Jesus would never make it as a boxer because he’d keep turning the other cheek. 

- Sawyer is also hoping to launch a new biblical reality show called, “Pimp My Camel”. 

Man Has Leg Up On The Law...

A British security firm has fired two staffers who were put in charge of placing a monitoring bracelet on the leg of a suspect under curfew on drug, traffic and weapons charges.  The man was later spotted out on the town, but according to the monitor, he was home.  Turns out he’d fooled the two by putting bandages over his prosthetic leg and getting them to attach the monitor to that.  After they left, he simply removed his leg and went out while the leg stayed home.  

- Prosecutors say he doesn’t have a leg to stand on… which is only partially true. 

- His lawyer claims his client shouldn’t be held accountable because he’s “unbalanced”.  

- When they attempted to arrest the man, police said he “fled on foot”.  Literally.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1979, Ann Meyers became the first woman signed by an NBA team.  The Indiana Pacers signed her for one year, but cut her from the team two days later. 

- Apparently she didn’t realize you were responsible for bringing your own balls.  

And The Winner Is...

Congratulations to our e-mail club member Harry Radtke of Sterling Heights! He’s the winner of a Nike dickpurtan.com golf shirt! Everyone on our e-mail list is eligible for our prizes and giveaways — so join today! Just scroll down and look to your left!  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Shore-ing Up New Jersey?

Hurricane Irene caused billions in damage and left 5 million people without power, but it wasn’t the apocalyptic storm many predicted.  Good thing, too, because some people refused to take even the most basic precautions. When New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie heard that some diehards were partying on the Jersey Shore just hours before Irene arrived, he exploded, “Get those people the hell off the beach!”

- He added, “Especially the guy in the Speedo!”

- This is great training for when he gets older and starts yelling “Hey kids… get the hell off of my lawn!” 

- People in New Jersey thought they saw a beached whale after the storm… but it was just Gov. Christie assessing the damage. 

This Never Happened To Jerry Hodak!

A Weather Channel remote from Virginia Beach became a viral hit when several young men danced behind reporter Eric Fisher on live TV, and one pulled down his shorts and flashed the camera. 

- And much like the storm, the front wasn’t nearly as big as some had thought.  

- This isn’t the first time a weatherman has been seen on TV along with a Doppler. 

Judges Rule Spoiled Rotten Kids Spoiled Rotten...

After two years, an Illinios appeals court threw out a lawsuit by grown siblings Steven and Kathryn Miner against their mother, Kimberly.  They wanted $50,000 in damages for “bad mothering”. They were raised in a $1.5 million mansion, but sued thier mom for such transgressions as not sending care packages to the son in college, failing to buy them toys they wanted, calling the daughter at midnight to tell her to come home from a homecoming party, and giving the son a birthday card he didn’t like and that didn’t include a check or cash.

- The appeals court also gave Steven and Kathryn a “Time Out” to think about what they’d done. 

- If I were the mother, I’d counter sue them for “bad childering”.

- I’d love to be a fly on a wall come this Thanksgiving! 

In Canada, You Have To Wait Six Months To See That Sexy Someone!

A poll by a dating website in Sweden named doctors as the sexiest professionals.  Both men and women chose doctors as the sexiest.  Men said nurses were the second-sexiest, while women picked cooks second, and teachers third.  A website “love coach” said people find it sexy to take care of others.  But a spokeman for a doctors’ association credited TV shows that make being a doctor look more glamorous than it really is.  

- The exception to the sexy-doctor rule?  Podiatrists and Proctologists. 

- When the Dental Association heard they weren’t in the top ten, the dentists were really down in the mouth. 

- Women find cooks sexy?  This explains why when I was growing up my mother was always saying to my Dad, “Why can’t you be more like Chef Boyardee?”

"The Day The Music... Got REALLY Weird!"

If you didn’t catch Sunday nights MTV music video awards… then you’re just like me.  But I’ve seen the highlights:  First, Beyonce announced on the red carpet that she’s pregnant; Katy Perry accepted the Video of the Year Award wearing what looked like a giant block of American cheese on her head; and Lady Gaga spent the entire night in character as “Jo Calderone”, her male alter ego who is a foul-mouthed New Jersey guy with no talent. 

- In other words, Lady Gaga went as half the cast of “Jersey Shore”. 

- What happened to the good old days - like last year - when Gaga showed up wearing a dress made out of raw meat?

In other music related news, singer Tom Jones denied a rumor that a heart problem caused him to cancel a show in Monte Carlo.  He blamed it on “severe dehydration”.  

- Regardless of the cause, thousands of women in Monte Carlo where left holding pairs of Depends with no one to throw them at! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1893, Whitcomb Judson patented the “clasp-locker,” the earliest form of the zipper. 

- And just one day later, he became the first man in history to accidentally get his “little Judson” caught in the device. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #6

Hope you’re enjoying the weekend (the last one in August!) In our latest Podcast we welcome Jim Ochs — the voice on my radio show of Casey Kasem, my agent Sol, and Soupy Sales’ favorite dog, White Fang!  Speaking of dogs, we talk about a new scientific study concerning canine poop in the air over Detroit. (Honest!)  Also…in honor of the first place Tigers, Jim sings (if you can call it that) his new musical tribute to our “boys of summer” and spins a former theme song of mine off an actual 45 rpm record!  After you listen to the podcast - don’t miss a special treat:  one of the great Soupy Sales’ jokes delivered as only he could on my show!  

Purtan Podcast #6   (15 min. 2 sec.)

Soupy Sales & Fun At The Bakery   (:51 sec)

P.S. Given all the brouhaha over the woodpecker that has recently been trying to destroy my house, one of my listeners happened upon this sign while traveling up north and sent this picture of it to me. No wonder they can’t find the Ark… it must have sunk!  

Man Royally Screwed By Penile System!

A jury in Kentucky rejected a truck driver’s $16 million lawsuit against his surgeon for amputating part of his penis without his permission  The doctor was performing a circumcision operation when he spotted what he thought was potential cancer and made the cuts.  The patient claimed it wasn’t an emergency and he should have been consulted after he woke up. But a majority of jurors sided against him.  It was a six-man, six-woman jury. 

- So even though he wasn’t on trial, the patient was basically sentenced to “2-1/2 for life”. 

- If he want’s to appeal, now he has to go to Small Claims Court. 

- The doctor defended his actions saying, “It wasn’t brain surgery!”  Then again…

- Surgery is like football:  It’s a game of inches. 

- $50 bucks says this guy will never again say to his barber “Just take a little off the top”. 

- The man who did the surgery, a “Dr. Bounty” has a sign in his office reading “Select-A-Circum-Size”.