This week, the FDA approved a surprising new use for Botox: a treatment for leaky bladders. 
They say a Botox injection can relax the bladder, allowing it to store more urine and empty more easily. The effect lasts for up to nine months.
- The source of the news is “Willie-Leaks”.
- Plastic surgeons claim it will take years off the look of your bladder!
- So Botox will freeze your face, but relax you’re bladder? How do it know???
The price of Apple stock plummeted Wednesday after Steve Jobs announced that he is stepping down after 14 years as head of the company he co-founded in a garage. Jobs is a pancreatic cancer survivor, but it’s not clear whether he resigned due to health concerns or other reasons.
- The announcement was made in a brief memo to his staff reading “iQuit”.
22-year-old Clark James Gable of Los Angeles could face up to three years in prison for briefly blinding two cops in a police helicopter by allegedly aiming a laser pointer at it. Gable is the grandson of movie great, Clark Gable.
- If only the confederates had had Lasers during the Civil War! They might have won!
- Gable was so embarrassed about the stunt they say he turned Scarlett.
- Apparently the cops didn’t buy it when he said, “God as my witness… I’ll never blind a helicopter pilot with a laser again!”.
A survey of employers by Harris Interactive found that to land a job, it’s important to make your resume stand out from the crowd. For instance, use formatting to make it more readable and double-check for spelling errors. But don’t get too creative. Employers remembered — but did not hire — the applicant who listed moonwalking as a special skill, the one who listed his dog as his personal reference, and the one who claimed his time was so valuable that he insisted the interviewer pay him.
- Only list “Moonwalking” as a special skill if you’re applying to be an astronaut or a Michael Jackson impersonator.
- Don’t list your dog as a reference, but feel free to let him pour over your resume before you send it in.
- It’s also a bad idea to list your mother-in-law as a reference. Chances are good she’s not going to have anything nice to say about you.
Researchers believe they’ve discovered why other people look more attractive when you’re drunk. Scientists believe that humans find faces more attractive when the left and right sides match and are symetrical. They had test subjects drink while they looked at photos of the opposite sex and rated them both for symmetry and attractiveness. Turns out the drunker people were, the less able they were to detect symemetry and the less they cared about it. One unexpected finding: Drunk men were much better than drunken women at picking out asymmetrical faces.
- Thus the famous expression “I can drink her symetrical!”
- The real question is… how did they get the guys to actually look at the woman’s faces?
On this day in 1944, the French 2nd Armored Division “officially” liberated Paris from the Nazis after 4 long years.
- And on this day in 2009, Paris Hilton was liberated from a Hollywood jail after 4 long hours.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our latest Podcast featuring yet another “Purtan’s Person” from the past!
-Dick
Tuesday, Washington D.C. was rocked by a rare earthquake that was felt up and down the east coast and even here in Michigan. There were early reports of possible damage to some of the national monuments, including fears that the Washington monument might be slightly tilted (It isn’t). It appears there was no overall widespread damage.
- Just to be sure… they buried some Viagra in the ground around the monument.
- At the Lincoln Memorial, Abe actually shifted a little bit in his seat… which was good! He’s been sitting still for so long his butt fell asleep in the 60’s.
- Turns out the quake was caused when Barney Frank fell during his weekly Pilates class.
- Democrat and Republican congressional leaders immediately blamed the quake on the other parties “irresponsible fiscal policies”.
- The earth hasn’t moved that much in Washington D.C. since Bill Clinton was in the Oval Office.
Moamaar Gadafi is still on the loose, even as rebel forces continue to ransack his now abandoned headquarters. 
Joyful Libyans were seen dancing on Moamaar’s prized statue of a golden fist crushing a US fighter jet.
- They also found a half-empty bottle of “Gee Your Hair Looks Horrific” shampoo.
- NATO forces have come up with a unique new way to find Gadhafi… They’ve started a huge game of “Marco Polo”.
Joe Biden is raising eyebrows for the second time this week. First he was criticized for a speech he gave in China in which he seemed to endorse their “One Child Per Family” Policy.
Now he’s under fire for swearing. After some media outlets claimed that Biden was in China to explain the U.S. Economic Policy, Biden said “I didn’t come to explain a damn thing!”
- Of course not! How can he explain something he doesn’t understand? Who does???
- Biden’s mother says in retrospect she wishes the US had a “No Child Policy” when she was trying to get pregnant with Joe.
The Oxford English Dictionary just updated it’s list of “real words”, adding 1800 new terms. Among them: “auto-complete”, “brain candy,” “green fuel,” and “gender reassignment”. Meanwhile the Scottish publishers of Collins Dictionary just announced that obsolete words would be omitted from future editions. Terms being dumped include “rundlet” (a measurement equal to 15 gallons), “Kench” (to laugh loudly), and “brabble”, which is an argument over something unimportant.
- When I heard they were dropping “rundlet” I couldn’t stop “Kenching!”.
- If they want to drop “obsolete” words they should have included “Balanced Budget”.
Otto C. NcNab Jr. of Pennsylvania is facing major charges afer he allegedly told a bank teller he had a bomb and fled with $2,262. 
He returned to his vehicle where his girlfriend was waiting. But she wasn’t aware that he’d planned to rob a bank. She began yelling at him until he went back into the bank, returned the money, then drove away. He was later arrested by police who said he was cooperative and didn’t put up a struggle.
- Ironically, he stole the money to pay for his girlfriend’s “Anger Management” classes.
- One word: Whipped!
- Wait until he tells the guys in prison the reason he gave the money back!
On this day in 1853, in Saratoga Springs, New York, chef George Crum accidentally invented potato chips by leaving some potatos in a fryer too long.
- After his death, his life was documented in the movie “Goodbye, Mr. Chips”.
Just a reminder… Today is the last day to cast your vote in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Ten local charities will share a total of $25,000! Make your vote count by clicking on any one of their ads on this website.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
New York City prosecutors asked a judge to drop sexual assault charges against former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn. They’re afraid that lies his hotel maid accuser told about her background would turn the jury against her. Also, they had trouble finding DNA evidence in Khan’s $3000 a night luxury hotel room. They did find, um, DNA from 4 unknown men on the carpet and wallpaper, but none of it matched Khan.
- They wouldn’t even have found those samples if Khan had let the maid clean the room before he assaulted her!
- At $3000 a night I hope that in addition to the DNA, you also get a mint on your pillow.
- The Hotel’s new slogan is: “We’ll Leave The Light On… And Some DNA Lyin’ Around… For Ya!”
David Letterman returned to work two weeks after a death threat against him was posted on a Jihadist website. A frequent contributor to the site had called for muslim extremists to “cut out his tongue” regarding some remarks he made about the death of a possible successor to Osama bin Laden back in June. 
Letterman made light of the whole episode, making it the subject of his top ten list including: “How can someone be so angry when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”
- He’s used to death threats. His wife threatened to cut off more than his tongue when she found out about Dave and his intern.
- A lot of people thought he should have been killed after he hosted the Academy Awards back in 1995.
Monday, the FCC made good on it’s promise to remove the Fairness Doctrine from the book of regulations. The rule - that used to require broadcasters to provide free time for opposing viewpoints to every controversial comment, was deemed unconstitutional in 1987. But some Democrats wanted to bring it back to use against Fox News and talk radio, plus conservatives feared it would be revived unless it was wiped off the books. 82 other outated broadcast rules were also wiped out in one day.
- Including the one mandating that all sit-coms actually be funny.
- So now Fox News can officially change it’s slogan to “Fair and Balanced… Whenever The Mood Strikes Us!”
- Keith Olbermann immediately named the FCC “The…Worst…Government…Agency…In…The…WORLD!”
Police in the Czech Republic got a series of calls from women reporting that someone had stolen their panties off their clotheslines. They cops didn’t connect it with a previous call from Petr Hlabovic that his pet kangaroo Benji had escaped, until a woman called to report seeing a Kangaroo bouncing through her backyard and stealing her panties. The panty-raiding marsupial was captured and returned to his owner who said, “I’ve got no idea what he thought he was up to. He certainly didn’t pick up the habit from me.”
- So kangaroo’s don’t really have a pouch… they have a “lingerie drawer”.
- With all that bouncing, it would have been smarter for the Kangaroo to steal sports bras!
- Needless to say the women were hopping mad.
According to this year’s Gallup Poll on well-being, Hawaii is still the happiest place in America to live. Second happiest was North Dakota, followed by Alaska, Nebraska, Minnesota, Colorado and Utah.
- The people in Colorado just think they’re happy because the air is so thin they’re delirious.
- Actually it’s only the Morman men who are happy in Utah… if one of their wives has “a headache” they’ve got plenty of other ones to choose from!
- Hawaiians are happy because they’re constantly getting “lei”ed.
On this day in 1923, radio’s first stars, the comedy team of Billy Jones and Ernie Hare aka “The Happiness Boys” made their first broadcast.
- Unfortunately, Ernie Hare electrocuted himself plugging in his microphone thus becoming the first “Shock Jock”.
Monday two great songwriters passed away.
From left: Mike Stoller, Elvis Presley, & Jerry Lieber First, Jerry Lieber… who along with his partner Mike Stoller, wrote hits including “Hound Dog”, Yakety Yak”, “Stand By Me” and “On Broadway” died at the age of 78.
And Nick Ashford of the husband and wife songwriting duo “Ashford and Simpson” died at age 70. He and his wife Valerie penned many R&B and Motown classics including “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, “You’re All I Need To Get By”, “Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand” and “Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing”.
I played both men’s songs thousands of times… they will be missed.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Moammar Gadhafi’s 40-year rule of Libya is finally coming to an end. After months of NATO bombing, rebels finally invaded Tripoli over the weekend and currently hold 95% of the city. Two of his sons have been captured, but the last word from Gadhafi was a rambling speech in which he accused the US and NATO of targeting his air conditioning.
- No wonder he’s rambling… have you ever tried to get someone to come out and fix your air conditioner on the weekend?
A spokesman for Gadhafi insisted that thousands still support him including a female newscaster who pulled out a gun on the air, waved it around and threatened to shoot any rebels who tried to take over the TV station.
- Who knew Katie Couric was in Libya!
- Charlie Sheen is already on a Libya-bound plane to start shooting his new series in which he plays Gadhafi called, “Two And A Half Mad Men”.