What? No Danielle Steele?

President Obama is still on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard but the White House says he is getting hourly briefings on Libya.  He must not have much time though, since between golfing, sightseeing and dining out, there’s also his alleged summer reading list for the 10-day vacation.  It was released by the White House.  The books are mostly fiction and totals more than 2,500 pages.  

- Which is still 5,000 page less than the Obamacare Bill!   

- There was one non-fiction book on the list… “Creating Jobs for Dummies”. 

- Moammar Gadhafi also realeased his summer reading list which includes, “Curious George Gets Overthrown”. 

Ferry Captain Needs To Mind His "Pees" and "Q's"

A ferry carrying 54 passengers in Finland ran aground near Helsinki Friday, after the captain got stuck in the head.  When he tried to get out of the bathroom, the lock jammed.  He yelled for help, but by the time a crewman got the door open, the ferry had already hit the rocks.  There were no major injuries, but the coast guard is investigating whether the captain’s actions amounted to criminal endangerment.

- Who was steering this boat?  Lindsay Lohan? 

- This never would have happened if he’d just “gone” off the side of the ship like the rest of the crew.

- Passengers were taken from the boat by dingy… which is ironically what got them in trouble in the first place.

- I think this finally explains how Gilligan and the gang ended up on that deserted isle. 

Confirmed: Jerry Lewis Walking Alone!

Jerry Lewis’ spokeswoman denied a report that the MDA had a change of heart and would allow Lewis to appear on the Labor Day telethon for a final farewell after 40 years as host.  MDA is making radical changes this year to update the show and try to boost donations.  Among them:  cutting the show back to just six hours in prime time, bringing in hot names like Jennifer Lopez, Celine Dion and Steven Tyler to draw a younger audience and replacing Lewis with “ET“‘s Jann Carl and Nancy O’Dell, “American Idol” executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, and “The Biggest Loser” host Alison Sweeney.  

- Celine Dion almost cancelled so she could write a song about the ferry crash in Finland, but since no one was hurt, she’s back in! 

- The show will reportedly end with Clay Aiken doing a rendition of “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. 

- How are they going to raise more money in 6 hours than they did in 21?  Apparently Congress did the math on that one! 

It's The Penis Envy Of The Neighborhood!

Fame seeking R&B singer Norwood Young is causing quite a buzz in the L.A. real estate market. He’s put his 22 room home up for sale for more than 2 million dollars.  But what makes the home so “special” is the white stone fence around the front of it: It’s topped with 19 replicas of the Statue of David complete with 19 penises.  

- So if you’ve got 2 mil to spend, you can finally achieve the great American Dream of owning a house with a white penis fence!  

- The blueprints for the house originally called for 19 statues of Dolly Parton, but they kept falling over. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1989, Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan became the first major league pitcher to strike out 5,000 batters.  

- You may recall one of the less successful pitchers on the team who is known as “Walker: Texas Ranger.”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

P.S. Remember… there’s only two days left to vote for your favorite local charity to share in $25,000 being given away in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Just click on any one of their ads on this page to make your voice heard! 

Purtan Podcast #5

Today we welcome back one of my favorite members of “Purtan’s People” who brought a lot of laughs to my radio show for a lot of years.  We also welcome a new sponsor to the Podcast — Marygrove Awnings.  (That’s me sitting under one of my two in the picture below!)  And now on with the show!

Podcast #5   (17min. 14 sec.)

Photo Courtesy of Jill Purtan

Enclosure

Maybe He Should Consider A "Staycation"...

President Obama is headed to Martha’s Vineyard to vacation for the rest of August, but a senior administration official promised that after Labor Day, Obama will give a “major speech” unveiling a new plan “for speeding up job growth and helping the struggling poor and middle class.” The official said all the ideas will be fresh ones that really help the long-term unemployed , and “not a rehash of plans he has pitched for many weeks and still supports”. Republicans say if the ideas are so great he should share them now - but one Democratic strategist said that every markerter knows you don’t roll out a new product in the summer.  

- Actually, Obama was going to wait to announce his plans til after his summer vacation in 2013 but aides thought that might not fly. 

- Hey… what’s another couple weeks to the thousands of Americans who have been “on vacation” for years ever since they lost their jobs? 

- I can just hear the crowds chanting… “We want jobs!  When do we want them? When the President gets back from vacation!” 

"DWTFP" (Dancing With The Former President)?

“Dancing With The Stars” dance pro Cheryl Burke knows which celebrity she’d like to teach next: former President Bill Clinton.  Burke told AOL that if she could pick one person to dance with, it would be Clinton because he “has a charm about him,” and “I think he can talk his way into anything.”

- Including most women’s pants. 

- Of course the judging would be a little different… instead of voting him off the show, the judges would vote whether or not to impeach him. 

- He’s a great dancer!  He’s been tap-dancing around Hillary for years!

French Airline: "Oui-Oui A No-No!"

French Actor Gerard Depardieu, star of the US hit “Green Card” boarded a plane in Paris Tuesday a tad intoxicated according to other passengers. Just as the plane was about to take off he announced that he had to pee. When the crew said that he’d have to wait until they were airborne, he reportedly stood up, unzipped and openly relieved himself in the aisle. The plane was delayed two hours while the crew “mopped the floor”. Depardieu later apologized, claiming that he was sober, blocked from the bathroom by the crew and tried to urinate into a bottle “as discreetly as possible”.  

- He many have something there… those mini-vodka bottles don’t hold very much!

- This is not going to look good if he applies for a real Green Card.

- Ever since the incident, he’s been the #1 thing “trending” on Twitter. 

- At least he didn’t drop trou and “go” on the service cart like some businessman did a few years ago.  

Can Natural Gas Cause STD's?

A political battle has broken out between Pennsylania legislators over whether the state’s booming natural gas industry is spreading STD’s.  A Democatic Rep. wrote a letter accusing the government of downplaying the impact of drilling crews on communities, including noise, traffic and “patronizing bars at night” and “spreading sexually transmitted diseases among the womenfolk”. 

- Apparently before going into politics, this guy was a writer for “Little House on the Prarie”. 

- Who would have thought drilling could lead to the spread of STD’s?  

- I would think “natural gas” would really cut down on romantic encounters with “the womenfolk”.

- Finally!  The real reason some people are against drilling in Alaska!  They don’t want to “spread sexually transmitted diseases among the caribou-folk”!

NASA Scrubs Rumors About Comet...

On October 16th, the comet Elenin will pass by Earth, and the news has sparked a wave of fear stories on the Internet, including claims that its gravity will spark tidal waves.  The hysteria is so intense that a NASA scientist put out a press release to debunk the rumors.  He says that Elenin is nothing but a “modest-sized, icy dirtball” that will come no closer than 22 million miles to earth.  Thats about 90 times the distance to the moon.  

- Charlie Sheen is a “modest-sized, icy dirtball” and while he caused a “violent torpedo of truth” he didn’t exactly cause a tidal wave!

- NASA added that there is one potential risk of a tidal wave:  If Kirstie Alley does a belly-flop off the Santa Monica Pier. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1998, President Clinton gave a five-minute speech admitting that he’d had an inappropriate relationship with Monica Lewinsky, but saying it was “past time” to move on.  

- And if anybody knows when it’s time to put the “move on” someone, it’s Bill Clinton!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday for our 5th Podcast with a special visit from a former regular cast member of the show! 

-Dick

P.S. Don’t forget to cast your vote in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveway”!  Just click on any one of their ads on this website to help decide which of 10 local charities will share in $25,000! 

It's So Hard To Blow Out The Candles When You're Dead!

Tuesday, during a campaign stop, GOP Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann caused a media frenzy by starting off a speech by wishing “happy birthday” to Elvis Presley.  The only problem: it wasn’t his birthday, it was the anniversary of his death. 

- When she was corrected she said, “Good to hear… that’s one less person burdening the Social Security system”. 

- So SHE’s the one who saw Elvis at that Burger King in Kalamazoo!

- Donald Trump immediately produced a copy of Elvis’ death certificate. 

America Back To AAA?

Yesterday, the Fitch Ratings credit service disagreed with Standard & Poor’s and reconfirmed America’s Triple credit rating.

- The bigshots at Standard & Poor’s threw a fitch!

- Moody’s Credit Rating Service hasn’t chimed in yet… so I guess it’ll be the best two out of three! 

The Buzz On The Street Is...

The invention funding website CKIE.com is promoting a new device called The Duet.  It’s a small, thumb-sized sexual vibrator that also doubles as storage for up to 16 gigabytes of computer files.  The vibrator is USB-powered and can be plugged into a computer port, either to download files or charge it to vibrate for up to four hours.  The inventors didn’t mention what kind of files you’d want to keep on it or why you’d store important files on a sex toy. 

- But they did say it would make working on your laptop much more enjoyable. 

- So now you won’t have to sit around twiddling your thumbs while waiting for the guy in India to fix your computer. 

- Now you’ll be able to download and upload at the same time! 

- Creators say this is one “Duet” you’ll be humming along with. 

BREAKING NEWS: Women Love To Talk! A Lot!

A new study out of Great Britain found that women spend - get ready - five hours a day gossiping and chit-chatting.  At home or work, the average woman spends 298 minutes a day (one-third of her waking hours) talking to everyone from co-workers to complete strangers.  The number one thing they talk about is shopping, followed in order by diets and exercise, vacations, what they’d do if they won the lottery, health worries, lunch, whose dating whom, other people’s relationship problems, their kids, recipes, arguments with their partners, dress sizes, soap operas, other people’s kids, who they find attractive, their mothers-in-law, cosmetic surgery, complaints about their partners, and how people are aging. 

- Heck, the women on “The View” cover that and more in one hour!

Another Rock-Solid Marriage...

Isabelle Prevost of Quebec awoke Sunday morning to discover that her ex-husband, Dany Lariviere, had left her an unusual birthday gift:  a 20-ton boulder in her driveway.  One side of the boulder was spray-painted with a happy birthday greeting in French, and the other side read, “This is for all you’re doing to me.” Apparently the two had been through a nasty and expensive divorce.  Police have not decided if they’ll press charges but said the man told them his ex-wife had always complained that he never gave her “a big rock”. 

- Hey… at least he remembered her birthday! 

- You gotta admit, it takes a guy with some pretty big rocks to do something like this. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1896, the first pedestrian ever killed by a car was run down in Croyden, England.  The car was going only four miles per hour. 

- It may have been going slow… but this being England, it was driving on the wrong side of the road! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

And The Winner Is...

Congratulations to VICKIE REINTJES of Imlay City, the winner of a brand-spankin’ new dickpurtan.com Nike golf shirt!  Her name was randomly selected from all the members of our e-mail club.  If you’re not on our e-mail list yet… sign up now! (Just scroll down on this page - and look on the left hand side) We’ve got plenty of other prizes and special opportunities coming up exclusively for our e-mail members! Congrats again to Vickie and thanks “fore!” being part of the club!

The Wheels On The Bus... Are Really Expensive!!!

It’s day two of President Obama’s bus tour through the midwest and he’s taking a lot of flak - not just over his speeches but over the buses themselves.  No other President has gone on a bus tour while in office, so the Secret Service had to buy two custom buses and outfit them with high-tech security equipment and armor plating, paint them black and add dark smoked windows, all at a cost of $2.2 million dollars.  

- And that doesn’t count the extra million it costs everytime they stop to get gas! 

- Harrison Ford is going to star in the upcoming film about the tour called, “Airbus One”.

- Bill Clinton plans to buy the buses when Obama’s done with them… and slap on bumper sticker’s reading: “If The Bus Is-A-Rockin’… Don’t’ Come Knockin’!”

- Joe Biden follows behind in a short bus.