Salman Rushdie Didn't Take It Nearly As Well...

David Letterman returned to work two weeks after a death threat against him was posted on a Jihadist website. A frequent contributor to the site had called for muslim extremists to “cut out his tongue” regarding some remarks he made about the death of a possible successor to Osama bin Laden back in June.  Letterman made light of the whole episode, making it the subject of his top ten list including: “How can someone be so angry when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”

- He’s used to death threats.  His wife threatened to cut off more than his tongue when she found out about Dave and his intern. 

- A lot of people thought he should have been killed after he hosted the Academy Awards back in 1995.  

FC...C Ya Later Fairness Doctrine!

Monday, the FCC made good on it’s promise to remove the Fairness Doctrine from the book of regulations.  The rule - that used to require broadcasters to provide free time for opposing viewpoints to every controversial comment, was deemed unconstitutional in 1987.  But some Democrats wanted to bring it back to use against Fox News and talk radio, plus conservatives feared it would be revived unless it was wiped off the books.  82 other outated broadcast rules were also wiped out in one day. 

- Including the one mandating that all sit-coms actually be funny. 

- So now Fox News can officially change it’s slogan to “Fair and Balanced… Whenever The Mood Strikes Us!” 

- Keith Olbermann immediately named the FCC “The…Worst…Government…Agency…In…The…WORLD!”

Panties Missing? Czech With Your Local Kangaroo!

Police in the Czech Republic got a series of calls from women reporting that someone had stolen their panties off their clotheslines.  They cops didn’t connect it with a previous call from Petr Hlabovic that his pet kangaroo Benji had escaped, until a woman called to report seeing a Kangaroo bouncing through her backyard and stealing her panties.  The panty-raiding marsupial was captured and returned to his owner who said, “I’ve got no idea what he thought he was up to.  He certainly didn’t pick up the habit from me.”

- So kangaroo’s don’t really have a pouch… they have a “lingerie drawer”.

- With all that bouncing, it would have been smarter for the Kangaroo to steal sports bras!

- Needless to say the women were hopping mad.

Do You Live In A Happy Place?

According to this year’s Gallup Poll on well-being, Hawaii is still the happiest place in America to live.  Second happiest was North Dakota, followed by Alaska, Nebraska, Minnesota, Colorado and Utah.  

- The people in Colorado just think they’re happy because the air is so thin they’re delirious.

- Actually it’s only the Morman men who are happy in Utah… if one of their wives has “a headache” they’ve got plenty of other ones to choose from!

- Hawaiians are happy because they’re constantly getting “lei”ed.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1923, radio’s first stars, the comedy team of Billy Jones and Ernie Hare aka “The Happiness Boys” made their first broadcast.  

- Unfortunately, Ernie Hare electrocuted himself plugging in his microphone thus becoming the first “Shock Jock”. 

RIP

Monday two great songwriters passed away.

From left: Mike Stoller, Elvis Presley, & Jerry Lieber First, Jerry Lieber… who along with his partner Mike Stoller, wrote hits including “Hound Dog”, Yakety Yak”, “Stand By Me” and “On Broadway” died at the age of 78. 

And Nick Ashford of the husband and wife songwriting duo “Ashford and Simpson” died at age 70.  He and his wife Valerie penned many R&B and Motown classics including “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, “You’re All I Need To Get By”, “Reach Out & Touch Somebody’s Hand” and “Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing”.   

I played both men’s songs thousands of times… they will be missed.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

"Gadhafi Ducks" As Rebels Storm Tripoli...

Moammar Gadhafi’s 40-year rule of Libya is finally coming to an end.  After months of NATO bombing, rebels finally invaded Tripoli over the weekend and currently hold 95% of the city.  Two of his sons have been captured, but the last word from Gadhafi was a rambling speech in which he accused the US and NATO of targeting his air conditioning. 

- No wonder he’s rambling… have you ever tried to get someone to come out and fix your air conditioner on the weekend? 

A spokesman for Gadhafi insisted that thousands still support him including a female newscaster who pulled out a gun on the air, waved it around and threatened to shoot any rebels who tried to take over the TV station.  

- Who knew Katie Couric was in Libya!

- Charlie Sheen is already on a Libya-bound plane to start shooting his new series in which he plays Gadhafi called, “Two And A Half Mad Men”.  

What? No Danielle Steele?

President Obama is still on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard but the White House says he is getting hourly briefings on Libya.  He must not have much time though, since between golfing, sightseeing and dining out, there’s also his alleged summer reading list for the 10-day vacation.  It was released by the White House.  The books are mostly fiction and totals more than 2,500 pages.  

- Which is still 5,000 page less than the Obamacare Bill!   

- There was one non-fiction book on the list… “Creating Jobs for Dummies”. 

- Moammar Gadhafi also realeased his summer reading list which includes, “Curious George Gets Overthrown”. 

Ferry Captain Needs To Mind His "Pees" and "Q's"

A ferry carrying 54 passengers in Finland ran aground near Helsinki Friday, after the captain got stuck in the head.  When he tried to get out of the bathroom, the lock jammed.  He yelled for help, but by the time a crewman got the door open, the ferry had already hit the rocks.  There were no major injuries, but the coast guard is investigating whether the captain’s actions amounted to criminal endangerment.

- Who was steering this boat?  Lindsay Lohan? 

- This never would have happened if he’d just “gone” off the side of the ship like the rest of the crew.

- Passengers were taken from the boat by dingy… which is ironically what got them in trouble in the first place.

- I think this finally explains how Gilligan and the gang ended up on that deserted isle. 

Confirmed: Jerry Lewis Walking Alone!

Jerry Lewis’ spokeswoman denied a report that the MDA had a change of heart and would allow Lewis to appear on the Labor Day telethon for a final farewell after 40 years as host.  MDA is making radical changes this year to update the show and try to boost donations.  Among them:  cutting the show back to just six hours in prime time, bringing in hot names like Jennifer Lopez, Celine Dion and Steven Tyler to draw a younger audience and replacing Lewis with “ET“‘s Jann Carl and Nancy O’Dell, “American Idol” executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, and “The Biggest Loser” host Alison Sweeney.  

- Celine Dion almost cancelled so she could write a song about the ferry crash in Finland, but since no one was hurt, she’s back in! 

- The show will reportedly end with Clay Aiken doing a rendition of “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. 

- How are they going to raise more money in 6 hours than they did in 21?  Apparently Congress did the math on that one! 

It's The Penis Envy Of The Neighborhood!

Fame seeking R&B singer Norwood Young is causing quite a buzz in the L.A. real estate market. He’s put his 22 room home up for sale for more than 2 million dollars.  But what makes the home so “special” is the white stone fence around the front of it: It’s topped with 19 replicas of the Statue of David complete with 19 penises.  

- So if you’ve got 2 mil to spend, you can finally achieve the great American Dream of owning a house with a white penis fence!  

- The blueprints for the house originally called for 19 statues of Dolly Parton, but they kept falling over. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1989, Texas Ranger Nolan Ryan became the first major league pitcher to strike out 5,000 batters.  

- You may recall one of the less successful pitchers on the team who is known as “Walker: Texas Ranger.”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

P.S. Remember… there’s only two days left to vote for your favorite local charity to share in $25,000 being given away in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Just click on any one of their ads on this page to make your voice heard! 

Purtan Podcast #5

Today we welcome back one of my favorite members of “Purtan’s People” who brought a lot of laughs to my radio show for a lot of years.  We also welcome a new sponsor to the Podcast — Marygrove Awnings.  (That’s me sitting under one of my two in the picture below!)  And now on with the show!

Podcast #5   (17min. 14 sec.)

Photo Courtesy of Jill Purtan

Enclosure

Maybe He Should Consider A "Staycation"...

President Obama is headed to Martha’s Vineyard to vacation for the rest of August, but a senior administration official promised that after Labor Day, Obama will give a “major speech” unveiling a new plan “for speeding up job growth and helping the struggling poor and middle class.” The official said all the ideas will be fresh ones that really help the long-term unemployed , and “not a rehash of plans he has pitched for many weeks and still supports”. Republicans say if the ideas are so great he should share them now - but one Democratic strategist said that every markerter knows you don’t roll out a new product in the summer.  

- Actually, Obama was going to wait to announce his plans til after his summer vacation in 2013 but aides thought that might not fly. 

- Hey… what’s another couple weeks to the thousands of Americans who have been “on vacation” for years ever since they lost their jobs? 

- I can just hear the crowds chanting… “We want jobs!  When do we want them? When the President gets back from vacation!” 

"DWTFP" (Dancing With The Former President)?

“Dancing With The Stars” dance pro Cheryl Burke knows which celebrity she’d like to teach next: former President Bill Clinton.  Burke told AOL that if she could pick one person to dance with, it would be Clinton because he “has a charm about him,” and “I think he can talk his way into anything.”

- Including most women’s pants. 

- Of course the judging would be a little different… instead of voting him off the show, the judges would vote whether or not to impeach him. 

- He’s a great dancer!  He’s been tap-dancing around Hillary for years!

French Airline: "Oui-Oui A No-No!"

French Actor Gerard Depardieu, star of the US hit “Green Card” boarded a plane in Paris Tuesday a tad intoxicated according to other passengers. Just as the plane was about to take off he announced that he had to pee. When the crew said that he’d have to wait until they were airborne, he reportedly stood up, unzipped and openly relieved himself in the aisle. The plane was delayed two hours while the crew “mopped the floor”. Depardieu later apologized, claiming that he was sober, blocked from the bathroom by the crew and tried to urinate into a bottle “as discreetly as possible”.  

- He many have something there… those mini-vodka bottles don’t hold very much!

- This is not going to look good if he applies for a real Green Card.

- Ever since the incident, he’s been the #1 thing “trending” on Twitter. 

- At least he didn’t drop trou and “go” on the service cart like some businessman did a few years ago.  

Can Natural Gas Cause STD's?

A political battle has broken out between Pennsylania legislators over whether the state’s booming natural gas industry is spreading STD’s.  A Democatic Rep. wrote a letter accusing the government of downplaying the impact of drilling crews on communities, including noise, traffic and “patronizing bars at night” and “spreading sexually transmitted diseases among the womenfolk”. 

- Apparently before going into politics, this guy was a writer for “Little House on the Prarie”. 

- Who would have thought drilling could lead to the spread of STD’s?  

- I would think “natural gas” would really cut down on romantic encounters with “the womenfolk”.

- Finally!  The real reason some people are against drilling in Alaska!  They don’t want to “spread sexually transmitted diseases among the caribou-folk”!

NASA Scrubs Rumors About Comet...

On October 16th, the comet Elenin will pass by Earth, and the news has sparked a wave of fear stories on the Internet, including claims that its gravity will spark tidal waves.  The hysteria is so intense that a NASA scientist put out a press release to debunk the rumors.  He says that Elenin is nothing but a “modest-sized, icy dirtball” that will come no closer than 22 million miles to earth.  Thats about 90 times the distance to the moon.  

- Charlie Sheen is a “modest-sized, icy dirtball” and while he caused a “violent torpedo of truth” he didn’t exactly cause a tidal wave!

- NASA added that there is one potential risk of a tidal wave:  If Kirstie Alley does a belly-flop off the Santa Monica Pier. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1998, President Clinton gave a five-minute speech admitting that he’d had an inappropriate relationship with Monica Lewinsky, but saying it was “past time” to move on.  

- And if anybody knows when it’s time to put the “move on” someone, it’s Bill Clinton!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday for our 5th Podcast with a special visit from a former regular cast member of the show! 

-Dick

P.S. Don’t forget to cast your vote in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveway”!  Just click on any one of their ads on this website to help decide which of 10 local charities will share in $25,000! 

It's So Hard To Blow Out The Candles When You're Dead!

Tuesday, during a campaign stop, GOP Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann caused a media frenzy by starting off a speech by wishing “happy birthday” to Elvis Presley.  The only problem: it wasn’t his birthday, it was the anniversary of his death. 

- When she was corrected she said, “Good to hear… that’s one less person burdening the Social Security system”. 

- So SHE’s the one who saw Elvis at that Burger King in Kalamazoo!

- Donald Trump immediately produced a copy of Elvis’ death certificate.